Sorry in advance, this is gross

caphillsmJanuary 31, 2011

So, my SSs visit periodically, depending upon school schedules. Its not both together as much anymore, but more likely one at a time, which is fine. Oldest is 18 and youngest is 16. Here is my problem: they have their own private bathroom in our home. Each time they depart, the toilet seat appears as though it hasnt been down the entire time. That doesnt bother me so much, as I dont use that bathroom anyway. However, they seem to "miss" quite a bit, to the point that the outside of the bowl, and the FLOOR, need to be cleaned. Otherwise, I must say, they are very neat. They put all dishes in the dishwasher and even strip their beds before they leave to be washed. But the toilet thing has me infuriated. They share one bathroom with BM, and I am guessing that she doesn't seem to mind this sloppy behavior. I mean, couldnt they at least wipe up after themselves? I don't want to get graphic here, but its obvious that it took days to get that way. (Oh, there is a toilet brush next to each toilet in our home, as well as paper towels under each sink)

So last night I got pretty ticked off and told DH that "he needs to talk to them about toilet manners". He actually seemed shocked and a bit offended! I described, in detail, what I have been cleaning each time they depart. I simply repeated "you need to talk to them about this...its not acceptable".

He gave me the silent treatment for the remaineder of last night and today everything is fine. So my question is: did I do the right thing? Its better to have told DH than SSs myself, right? Is DH's reaction one of embarrassment? I am thinking it must have been, but I'm not sure what else I could have done.

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You did fine in my opinion. Did better than I would have done. I'd could not and would not tolerate this filth. You're not their maid.

My own sons would be sent right back into the bathroom to clean immediately if this were happening. My oldest went through a thing in Jr High where he seemed to forget putting the seat down when finished...I thought that was a no-no. Can't imagine a dirty mess too. My boys always had to clean their bathroom twice a week as 'household chores' from like age 10 on and of course immediately if needed inbetween.

I will assume that your SS's BM is not a sparkling clean tidy lady, but filth in the bathroom is unhealthy. You can't control what happens in their home, but you have every right to insist sanitary measures are taken in your home. If DH has a problem handling this, hand him the supplies and let him clean up after his teenagers himself. I'm surprised he had issue with your concern.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 10:54AM
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Most certainly you did nothing wrong by asking him to talk to his sons. SD22 has some sanitary/hygiene issues that I shared here in the past. Her dad felt uncomfortable addressing it with a girl so he asked his older DD to talk to her and there was an improvement.

If I had male SKs, I would not address toilet issues with them but I would ask SO to talk to them-and it is exactly what you did. Of course if you would say "your sons are pigs"-which i know you did not, then i could see him being upset. Other than that oh well it is embarassing but is it more embarassing then for you to observe their gross toliet manners? If he refuses to talk to them, then he must clean toliets daily, not you.

Talking about embarassment... My SO had to be embarassed when a plumber pulled feminine products out of plugged up toilet, here is major embarassment for you...Yuck.

Let DH to cool off and then maybe gently ask what does he suggest: for you to talk to Sks, for him to clean the toliets, or what? tell him that one day SKs will be dating and imagine how their girlfriends are goign to feel...It is dad's job to prepare them for adulthood.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 10:56AM
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That is gross & what I would do is hand DH the cleaning supplies & have HIM clean up after his kids... or he can have them clean before they leave.

When my teen son was still living home, decided that he didn't like my DH & he would purposefully leave the seat wet. Personally, I did not raise my kids to think that it's acceptable & I believe he was making a gesture at my DH. I made my son clean it himself. When my son did it, I was shocked, offended & embarrassed. My husband was livid but I wouldn't let HIM say a word to my son. I think that my son wanted a reason to have a confrontation with DH... he definitely wanted to get a reaction. I would not give my son the reaction from DH that he wanted. So, my guess is your husband is also embarrassed (and maybe even feels his parenting is being scrutinized)... or he probably doesn't want to deal with the situation. Regardless of why the kids do that (bad manners or intentional), it's not YOUR job to be their maid. If DH thinks it's not a big deal, then he won't mind cleaning it up.

And it's entirely possible that BM doesn't put up with that so they may not do it at her house.

Oh, and now that my sons don't live at home anymore... SD11 can't blame the mess on anyone else. She has some pretty disgusting bathroom habits (not flushing, putting the tissue in the trash with #2 on it, etc.) and if DH doesn't want to say anything to her, he can clean the bathroom. My DD20 shares a bathroom with her but she is equally disgusted by it so I doubt it's her doing it... though my DH has actually been so in denial that he suggested my DD could be doing it. I think men don't like confrontation so they stick their head in the sand. Plus, anytime he's ever said anything to SD, she runs to her mom & cries of how we embarrass her by telling her what she's doing is gross or that we make her clean up & then DH would get a phone call from BM reminding him that "she's just a CHILD" or we're going to "break her spirit" if we tell her anything. blech~ she's almost a teenager...

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 11:05AM
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I would say to your DH, "I am sorry I offended you, next visit you clean their BR and I won't get upset".
My guess after one or two visits he will speak to his sons.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 11:23AM
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You handled it exactly right!

When my boys were little and I found a wet mess, I'd call them into the bathroom and order them to "Sit on that!" Of course, they reacted with shocked disgust. At which point, I'd tell them that that's what they were asking me to do. Then I'd hand them the Lysol wipes and wait while they cleaned up.

Didn't take too long to teach them...

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 12:36PM
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Thanks so much, everyone. I agree with the point raised above concerning "what would a future girlfriend (or her parents) think?" That is a good was of bringing it up as it benefits their future. And yes, cleaning supplies will be ready for the boys to use before departing next time.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 12:39PM
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"hand DH the cleaning supplies"

That oughtta do the trick!

I my own naturally suspicious self would figure that they don't do this accidentally.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 12:46PM
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Perhaps it was not about the boy's behaviors but how you expressed your feeling. A negative feeling begets negative feeling and defensive mechanism (that is just pure human nature).

I think a better way would be to say something like:

Honey, have you had a chance to look at or clean the boys' toilet out? I think they missed the bowl when they urinated and the stuff got all over the floor. Is there a way you can show them how to do without spraying ? That would help a lot in terms of germs and cleaning.

When you ask for help then the tendency is to help,but when you begin to accuse and attack then the tendency is to deflect blame and take defensive postures.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 3:06PM
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You did the right thing.

My husband sits down to do his business. My floor has never been so clean. You brought me right back to the occasion I've seen the tell-tale color on the floor around the bowl and yuck. Just yuck.

I think all little boys should be taught how to sit down and boys and girls should be taught to leave the lid down when not in use.

And your DH should realize how hard it was for you to even bring it up. Talk about awkward. I hear what you're saying Shakti, but I think sometimes there is nothing wrong with not sugarcoating it.

Honey, your boys are missing the potty. It's gross. I'm not cleaning it. Either you talk to them, or you clean it.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2011 at 4:39PM
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Shatki, I get your point, but "I think you should show them...." is like talking to little boys. THese are nearly 19 and 17 year olds!

I also learned from SS2 over the weekend that BM now has EIGHT (8!) dogs living in their 1,500 sq ft rental home. he says they are fostering 4 of them. I have long been suspicious that she might be an "animal hoarder" type.

I mention that point because it reflects on overall cleanliness. I cannot imagine that a tiny place with 8 dogs is spick and span. I am sure their toilet habits reflect that standard.

It must be a glaring difference to them, but intervening will help them as adults.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2011 at 9:16AM
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You absolutely did the right thing. SS is eight, and he does not always put the seat up first, especially in early morning. This is completely understandable as he's a little boy who "has to go" - but, then he has to clean it up. I'm still hesitant to let him near any serious cleaning chemicals at his age (I have a fear that he'll forget and mix bleach and ammonia!) but there's no reason a child even younger than he is cannot at least wipe off a seat or floor.

(Sorry because this is even more gross.) Last year I woke up one weekend and SS was in his room preparing to clean up vomit where he'd thrown up that morning; he told me that "Daddy said I had to clean it up myself". Well, I had no idea what lesson DH was hoping to impart from that, but since that was completely unlike DH's normal behavior I figured something must have happened to cause DH to say this (SS adamantly refused to go into the bathroom when feeling ill, maybe?) Anyway, I wasn't going to overrule DH's authority on this, even if I didn't understand why he'd done it and it seemed really harsh to me, so I told SS I would stay with him for moral support and encouragement while he cleaned it up. He did, we went downstairs - apparently DH was feeling really queasy himself that AM and what he had actually said to SS was that he, DH, was not going to be able to clean it at that time or he'd, erm, make the mess worse. Poor SS understood that to mean that he was to clean it up. LOL! He was very proud of himself though - "it's the first time I cleaned up puke!"

    Bookmark   February 1, 2011 at 9:52AM
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Buy some of these. Put them in the bathroom.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2011 at 11:11AM
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I've heard 'Gentlemen sit down at home' :)

    Bookmark   February 1, 2011 at 9:29PM
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hahah husband needs show 19-year-old how to pee without spraying hhaha he has to show??? 19-year-old could serve in the army and marry. this is one of the funniest things I heard hahahah

animal hoarders, wow, 8 dogs????? oh my, my SO's ex is animal hoarder and it caused a lot of strain in their marriage, she used to bring animals home without SO's consent and wouldn't clean after them, they had (all at the same time) cats, dogs, rabbits (in suburbs), fish, birds, frogs, snakes, mice, rats. Some of these creatures were supposed to be rescued animals from who knows where, but she kept them.

I still don't understand how he put with this, he is allergic to animals. when she left she got rid or took with her all of them except one cat she refused to take. SO had to keep it (what else was he supposed to do, she refused to take this one), we have the cat now, she is a very sweet cat. SO said it is funny how she left the nicest cat behind but took all the dirty vicious ones with her or gave them to someone. crazy

    Bookmark   February 2, 2011 at 1:32AM
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