Can't change him, so how can I change my attitude about this?
I got into a terrible fight with DH last night. We really don't fight/argue much at all, but the one persistent issue is his behavior/attitude towards BM; I feel like he is not supportive of me, and doesn't send her a clear message that WE are a team, and that he backs me.
Ok, so last night, right before we went to bed, DH tells me "oh, we are probably going to pick SS up from school and have him for a few hrs tomorrow afternoon." (Mondays/Tuesdays are BM's days.)
Issue #1: "we" means ME. But that is the lesser of two issues here. If I truly had something going on, DH would do it. So this is not the issue at hand.
So I said "oh really, why?" And he tells me that tonight at 7 pm, it is DH & BM's parent-teacher conference with SS's teacher. He then goes on to tell me that it doesn't make sense for BM to have to drive all the way (about 30 mins) from her house to pick SS up from school at 3:30, then drive home, and then come BACK to the conference at 7 pm. (I am assuming that if she did so, SS would stay home with his stepfather and baby sister.)
I just kind of gave DH a dumbfounded look and said WHY would you do her a favor like this? I truly don't understand! I asked him why it was HIS problem that BM had to drive back and forth, why he would volunteer ME (because let's face it, that is what he did) to go out of MY way for BM.
What kind of message does that send to her? I don't care if he is telling HER that he's going to pick SS up, she knows the truth, she knows who picks the kids up from school and you can bet your bottom dollar she knows it would be ME doing it.
I balked at this and told DH I thought he was rude to do this without a)consulting me and b) given the way things are.
And then he launches into this whole tirade about how HE is the bigger person than me; I want to "punish" BM, and I'm being "petty and immature" and this is just "common sense, common courtesy." It doesn't "make sense" for BM to have to do all this driving.
THEN he has the balls to tell me that BM didn't even suggest this idea and that it hasn't even been discussed yet!!!! I guess HE was planning to suggest it to HER today. AUUGHH, that set me off even more! Not only does he want (me) to do her a favor, but he is going to SUGGEST IT? Then he backed off of that and said that he won't bring it up but he just KNOWS that she is going to ask him to do this when she thinks about all the driving back and forth.
Needless to say, everything he said really ticked me off and we got into a MAJOR fight about it. I told him I feel he doesn't back me up, I don't trust him to set and enforce boundaries with BM, etc. He said I was being insane and over-reacting, that this had nothing to do with me having any contact with her, that he doesn't ask me to do anything like that. His main argument was that this is a "reciprocal thing" and it's the "right thing" to do.
THEN he goes on to tell me that she doesn't drink anymore and seems a lot more rational than she ever has been. I reminded him that she has had LONG periods of being "sane" befre and look where it ended up? She tried to be my friend for a good year and a half, and was friendly/rational that whole time. I don't trust this woman AT ALL and I feel like every little gesture DH makes towards her, she feels more comfortable. And comfortable with her leads to BAD THINGS.
OOOH, I am p*ssed!!!! I mean, seriously, I am really, really angry. Actually, I am more hurt than anything.
So whatever--DH and I can go round and round about this; the truth is, he does NOT see my perspective and I don't see his.
So what can I do to protect myself?