Let us post our funniest jokes - as many as you like - laughing makes life easier and longer!!!!
This really happened several years ago and I submitted to the newspaper and it got printed up! This is the condensed version:
I was watching my then about 4 y.o. granddaughter. Mom was expecting their second baby. My GD asked when the baby would get here, so I said, "Mommy's tummy has to get bigger and bigger before the baby gets here". My GD immediately responded, "like daddy's"!
I didn't tell them that I submitted the story to the newspaper, but when it was published up, I called them first thing in the morning and told them to look at the newspaper. My DD laughed hysterically, my SIL started to laugh and then got quiet. He realized that he had gained weight and his DD saw him has having a big tummy, lol! I have a journal that I started for my GD when she was born, and that clipping is in there. I might give it to her when she turns 18.
Eloise, how funny! Kids are so honest. It's like the innocent quip from my 4-yr. old Grandson recently. While I was visiting them in Florida, we went to Walmart to buy - what else - toys.
Darin was looking at a very expensive remote-control toy, and I said I wasn't paying that much for a toy.
Darin said, "Why not, Gramma - Mommy says you have enough money to buy anything!" Now you know - Mommy HAD TO HAVE said that, because otherwise Darin wouldn't have thought of it.
Ah, the things children can say!! I was wearing a rather low cut blouse one day. My 9 year old son was standing in front of my chair with a thoughtful look on his face. Then he said, "Mom, did it hurt when your cleavage formed?" ..... I guess he thought the chest swells up, then split apart!!! What kinda bothered me was that at nine years old he knew the word "cleavage". I managed not to laugh and took the opportunity to explain to him how breasts really grow. THEN, I went in another part of the house so I could laugh.
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
Blaming your farts on me.....
Not funny... Not funny at all !!!
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
Taking me for a walk, then
Not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing
Food on my nose. Stop it!
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
Up when you're not home.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
A proud moment for the top of the food chain.
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
Then acting surprised when I freak
Out every time we go back!
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager finally had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man...never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. An in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response....
"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their a$$ to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a$$e$!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
(sent by DIL. Hmmmmmmm.)
I don't have a comeback, but had to tell you, you guys made me laugh so hard, I have tears running down my face!! Eloise
Upset with someone? Don't take it out on someone you know - take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "Hi, could I please speak with Robyn?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right frigging number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a-hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a-hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a-hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a-hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Jo Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a-hole!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first a-hole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a-hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don,you're an a-hole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a-holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called a-hole
1. He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an a-hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "A-hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a-hole," and hung up.
Then I called a-hole 2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, a-hole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your arse,"
I answered, "Well, a-hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two a-holes beating the crap out of each other, in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
The 3 wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quick Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded in a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
ROFLMAO - you should send this one to Jeff Foxworthy and Larry the Cable Guy!
Really Simple Home Remedies!
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
A cowboy, walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of an underaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a while and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Yuck, yuck, yuck!
One afternoon, Christopher's father picked him up early from school to take Chris to a dental appointment.
Knowing that the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, the father asked his son if he had gotten a part.
Christopher enthusiastically announced that indeed he had gotten a part. Chris proudly exclaimed, "I play a man who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work, and before you know it, they'll be giving you a speaking part."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the back of a milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws"!
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
Dear Family and Friends:
Just a note to let you know I am hoping to see you Christmas Day. But.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this year. IÂm telling you in
advance, so donÂt act surprised.
Since Ms. Stewart wonÂt be coming, IÂve made a few small changes:
My sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a
trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming
lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, my guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the
traditional swags of Christmas lights and garland I had planned to make. Instead, IÂve
gotten the thrift store involved in the decorating by buying a dusty wreath to hang
on the front door and letting the dog track snow into the entry way.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or
crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will
get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the plastic
Peter Rabbit plate and the pink napkins from last Easter.
The centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I
promised. Instead I will be displaying a tree-like decoration hand-crafted
from the finest construction paper. The thrift store assures me it is a Christmas
We will be dining fashionably late. The television will entertain you while you
wait. IÂm sure those guests who arrived early will be happy to share every choice
comment I have made regarding Christmas, cooking and the turkey hotline. Please
remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that
the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the entertainment, I will play a recording of tribal
drumming. If anyone should mention that I donÂt own a recording of tribal
drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a
clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
I toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of
our feast. In the end, I chose to keep my traditional method. IÂve also
decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds,
please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony,
I will ask the older guests to sit at a separate table - in a separate room, next
to an open window.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front
of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.
For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress
"private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh
at me. Do not send anyone to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The
turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my diners that "passing
the rolls" is not a football play, nor is it a request to bean another guest
in the head with warm tasty bread.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between
12 different scrumptious desserts, I will be serving the traditional pumpkin
pie, garnished with whipped cream. You will still have a choice - take it or leave it.
I hope you arenÂt too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with
us this Christmas - she probably wonÂt come next year either.
Why have I never thought of defrosting turkeys or chickens in the dryer?...thanks for the tip, Jo!!
OK, folks, it's time for some New Year's humor - I'll get us started:
The story goes that Mrs. Descartes was throwing a New Year's party to celebrate the arrival of 1630 and had spent weeks preparing. She had invited all the local jet (equestrian?) setters.
Moments before the guests started to arrive she instructed Descartes that the pastries on the table to the side were not to be eaten until after midnight to make sure there was enough food to keep the guests from leaving too soon. To make sure, she tasked Rene with the job of guarding them until an hour or so after midnight at which time she would invite the guests to help themselves. Though deep in thought, he nodded to mind the table.
As the party got into full swing, Descartes found himself in an absorbing philosophical discussion with Vandyke over why Titian removed a church from the Venetian background in one of his paintings. To hear each other better, the two wandered away from the crowd, in the direction of the forbidden baked goods. Without Descartes noticing, Vandyke started munching thoughtfully on a pastry. Suddenly, Descartes snapped out of his thoughts and realized what Vandyke was doing. His reaction surprised Vandyke who figured that Descartes surely must have just thought of something of great significance. Discretely, Descartes wrote a message on a napkin and handed it to Vandyke so as not to attract his wife's attention. However, just at that moment they were interrupted, which meant Vandyke could only stuff the napkin into his pocket for later.
The next morning he removed the napkin to see what profundity his friend had bequeathed him, and sure enough, there scrawled in in Descartes hand was an expression of timeless insight: "I think they're for I am."
Tee Heeeeee - that was a really bad joke!
New Year's Day Prayer for one and all:
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Auld Lang Syne
Auld Lang Syne was partially written by Robert Burns in the 1700's, it was first published in 1796 after Burns' death.
Early variations of the song were sung prior to 1700 and inspired Burns to produce the modern rendition. An old Scotch tune, 'Auld Lang Syne' literally means 'old long ago,' or simply, 'the good old days.'
Here are the lyrics - so many people seem to remember only the first verse.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
And here's a hand, my trusty friend
And gie's a hand o' thine
We'll tak'A cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne.
You're right, KJ - that was pretty bad, wasn't it? I am known for my bad jokes!!
This was the joke of the day on my Google home page today:
John took his blind date to a carnival.
"What would you like to do first?" asked John. "I want to get weighed," said his blind date. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds; she got on the scale and it read 117, so she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over John again asked his date what she would like to do next. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guessers they went, but since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and John lost his dollar.
They walked around some more, and again John asked his date what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she insisted again. By this time John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her room mate, Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How did it go?"
She replied, "Oh Waura, it was wousy!"
That one is rather bad, too, eh? Guess I just have a weird sense of humor.
Gerry, they were BOTH FUNNNNNNNNNNY - really, they cracked me up! Does that mean I have a sense of humor? Most folks who know me wouldn't say I have one.
The first one made me groan, gerry...the last one made me LOL
I Can't Believe We Made It!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, or 70's, probably shouldn't have survived.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.
Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ...
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable!
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Unimaginable!
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever.
We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it.
If you are one of them and have managed to survive?
The Ultimate Senior Moment
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since
her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she
and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou
Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond
goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but a-ha! You guessed it - Morris is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for
more "action." And once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris set
to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed
that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with
guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are
truly a great lover, Morris".
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?"
This is a real crack-up! I swiped it from a KT posting.
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned them, and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The druggist says "Better stay off your bicycle for a week."
What a difference 30 years can make:
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones
1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid
1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will
certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College
in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a
sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
* The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1983.
* They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
* Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
* Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
* The CD was introduced the year they were born.
* They have always had an answering machine.
* They have always had cable.
* They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
* Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
* Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
* They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
* They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
* They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
* They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
Camel," or "DE plane Boss, DE plane."
* They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R.even is.
* Michael Jackson has always been white.
* McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
* They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet
Yes, and proud and thankful that I have been blessed to get this 'old'. What choo talkin' bout - I ain't old, I'm vintage, like fine wine!
Why I Am So Tired!!!
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job,
earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired, which leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government, which leaves 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Bin Laden, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,
which leaves 1,212,000 to do the work.
As of today, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves JUST TWO PEOPLE to do the work...
YOU and ME!!
And there you are sitting on your butt,
at your computer, reading jokes. Nice, real nice...
Ouch - no wonder I'm so tired!! But, I did get to leave work early today. Thanks for the smile Jo.
Hey, Gnee - you have a good evening, too! I shudder to think of all the headaches revelers will have in the morning - LOL!
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when
she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to
be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't
want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to
the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart
of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to
the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left
over---so now we're going to Sea World.
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and,to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'
Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'
Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'
Still chasing my tale at work so don't forget me. Hope you enjoy these.
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over..
The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first, I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
MAN I'M TIRED!
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to
switch with mine for a day. Amen.'
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish..
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
Awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes,
Fed them breakfast,
Packed their lunches,
Drove them to school,
Came home and
Picked up the dry cleaning,
Took it to the cleaners and
Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1PM
And he hurried to make the beds,
Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
Mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
Got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and
Got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and
Watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
Washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the chicken chops and
Snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
Ran the dishwasher,
Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P. M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
-'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
Wife's' being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change
things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though.
You got pregnant last night.'
Have a good weekend!
What do you get when you play a country western song backwards?
....you get your wife back, you get your dog back, you get your car back...........
lol Pris!!.....I wasn't expecting the ending on that one.
I knew it would catch up with me sooner or later.