A Blue, Blue December

kayjonesDecember 13, 2007

This year, December is/will be horrible for me - I can't listen to the Christmas songs - I cry; the happy shoppers and all the beautiful decorations - make me cry. It seems I cry at the drop of a hat any more - I miss my husband VERY much!

Today is his birthday - he would have been 54. This year he is getting a 4'-across wreath for his birthday/grave site - not much fun, huh? Dear god, WHY???

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I'm so sorry. I can't imagine your loss I can only offer my heartfelt condolences. I hope you can spend time with friends and loved ones this month. Hugs.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 10:51AM
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How very sad for you. I am so sorry for your loss and for your grief. Have you been over to the Grieving Forum? There are people there who have experienced similar losses and may be a source of comfort for you.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 11:55AM
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I belong to a couple of grief forums. I posted here because I know several people on this forum are alone and blue - death isn't the only reason people have no one to hold this time of year.

If anyone fits under this heading, whatever the reason, I hope they will feel comfortable sharing it with the rest of us.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 1:31PM
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I'm so sorry, Jo. The holidays are particularly bad and to have to remember his birthday too is an extra blow. It's certainly not the time to start anything difficult so be kind to yourself. You need some extra pampering so don't be hesitant about indulging yourself. When you see something you want, buy it. If you think of something you want to do, do it. Worry about the cost or consequences later. Believe me, others will place restrictions on you so if you can make it happen go for it.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 3:12PM
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I totally understand. In October of 1985, we discovered that my father had 6 months to live...brain cancer. In February of 1986, my husband was killed in an accident and left me with a dying father, and a 10 month old and 11 year old to raise alone.

In April, my father died. In September, I had a nervous breakdown from all the stress, and in October, I picked up and moved to Florida. Best move I ever made.

Still, I start getting depressed in October, and stay depressed until after Easter. There's nothing I can do about it. It has happened every year for the past 20 years. 8 years ago, I stopped celebrating Christmas because it was just too sad with no kids of family here.

I understand, Kay. That first Christmas was terribly hard, but I had to carry on for the kids. My husband's birthday was December 24, so I really think about him this time of year.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 7:58PM
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Junk, where in Florida do you live? I will retire in the fall of 2008 and plan to make that same move - PCB for me.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 8:00PM
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JYG - There IS something you can do about your 'winter' depression - sounds like it's SAD - not 'sad' as in blue, but SAD as in Seasonal Affective Disorder, which hits a lot of people when the sun's hours of light get a lot shorter. What you can do is get a special kind of light fixture (actually there are table top types) which mimics daylight, and you 'use' the light (expose yourself to it according to directions) for a short time each day and it apparently makes a huge difference in being able to cope and not doing so. Ask your MD about SAD and ask for a referral to a specialist or Google info to find out more about the lighting set-up which thousands now use routinely.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 4:48AM
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K-J - like I said on your dedication thread, Hang in there Kid!! You've come so far already.

The first year is awful!! Unknowingly, you try to prepare and anticipate those anniversary dates - DOD, B-day, Holidays, etc., and then those dates arrive - and with the stress having mounted each day of the year, you kind of explode when they hit. I still have a tough time on those days - especially near Memorial Day weekend. My Step-Father had a massive heart attack on that holiday weekend; six years later, we put Mom in the hospital that weekend and she passed on the date we buried my Step-Dad; Cheryl's accident was the Friday night of the MD weekend, and she passed on the 31st (this was 2yrs after Mom passed). We buried her on the date my mother died. So, needless to say we all fear that weekend. My close friend had a stroke at my house, the Tuesday before the holiday, 2 and 1/2 years ago, and my sister and I both thought the curse was back, but he made it almost another year - missing May only by a couple of days. It's gotten so now, that when I think about it or look at her picture, I just do one of those grunt things and just dismiss it - the anger is redicuous but that's my way of dealing with it. It's like when your computer crashes and you don't have Norton Utilities to bring all your stuff back. Nothing you can do.

Anyway, don't want to blue up your mood any more, but like I said, hang in there. They say you should only have one more year of the real grieving process. The intensity lessens and the anger slows down a bit during that year. I wrote a poem to a friend when her Mom and younger brother passed close together. It was based on the eulogy for Cheryl, about losing another Child of God! Remember, he is another jewel in God's crown!! Unfortunately, it was on my other computer - if I find it, I'll send if you want. The important part is that I wanted to tell my friend that when she was ready, I would be there for her; I'm here for you too!!

We are all here for you and by golly that's a lot a shoulders!! That should count for getting through another day, each and every one of them, one day at a time.

Hugs to ya, Kid!! Email me if you want to...


    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 10:28PM
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Kay, what is PCB? I'm on the west coast halfway between Tampa and Ft. Myers.

Lucy, I don't have SAD. I live in Florida, and I get plenty of sunlight, believe me! I have taken anti-depressants off and on since I was 22. I'll probably take them the rest of my life. This only started after my father and husband both died. My mom gets it too. We talk about it alot, since we lost our husbands within 2 months of each other.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 10:40PM
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No diagnosis, but I really believe my dad has SAD - and he passed in on to me!! Dad lives in Michigan and boy do they loose the sun in the long winters. He gets to "ugly" in the winter - always has. He had a stroke about 4 years ago and is very slow right now. His mind is good, but only inside. You can see the light is on, but he just can't get it out as easily as before the stroke. That is only compromised by the doldrums of the cold Michigan winters. He and my Step-mom have tried for years to move but they live in a small community without a lot of anything, so it's been hard for them to sell their home and move to a sunnier climate.

It's funny how much something as simple as sunshine affects our entire being. I've just learned to start celebrating Spring in December - I start measuring the miniscule moments of extra daylight that come after the 21st. It's amazing to see the Mother Nature bring life back to the plants, trees, flowers.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 11:05PM
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Kay, I can't imagine the pain you're going through. Really trivializes my blues at this time of year. Seeing people stressing out shopping, overspending, accidents, fighting, bickering and that, kind of makes you wonder where peoples' priorities are at. To be able to have a loved one back again, I know we'd all give up the world and especially all the materialistic things.

I'm thinking of you Kay. Some have experienced similar losses, some have not, but I hope you know that we all share in your grief. Hope there's comfort in that.


    Bookmark   December 15, 2007 at 12:50AM
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Ken, thank you for your kind words.

I have so many 'sisters and brothers' who are on this journey with me, and I appreciate every one who understands my pain. I am keenly aware, like never before, of the hollowness in the lives of those of us who have lost a loved one.

I also realize there are others with much more painful situations. Gary was blessed with a life of fun, plenty and sense of worth - he got to live life to the fullest, albeit too short.

I belong to a prayer forum on another site, and there is a baby being prayed for - this tiny being has cancer! How can we piss and moan about our dating situation or our neighbor's dog peeing in our yard - there are people in this world who's WORLD is collapsing around them!

I think we all need to step up to the plate this holiday season and see how we can help SOMEONE else instead of wallowing in our own small problems. An example of helping someone could be:

When you see someone in a store who is a few dollars short of having enough to buy what they need, offer to help them out. Not everyone can do that, but the feeling is good to help someone else.

You can also go to a nursing home and visit someone who otherwise would not have anyone come and see them EVER!

Find a neighbor who needs his walk shoveled or who needs someone to run errands - help them out - YOU will be the one that receives the blessing!

When we help someone else, it takes our minds off our troubles, if only for a little while.

One of the worst times is when I settle down for the night - I miss my mate so very much. I am moving forward, ever so slowly, with the help of friends like all of you - THANKS for your support!

    Bookmark   December 15, 2007 at 8:52AM
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