getting help from fiance

toasted_311December 20, 2005 to this forum---old timer to auto forum. My fiance recently moved in together. We had an argeement since I worked nights and paid the rent/bills and car notes plus cooked and vaccuumed that she'd dust/do bathrooms/laundry/dishes and buy groceries from her check.

She's has yet to clean anything(4 months, I've done it all,work 12 hr shifts 5 days a week), she hasn't bought groceries in 3 weeks and her clothes are still on the bedroom floor since we moved in.

Everytime I try to calmly discuss getting some help she thinks I'm starting a fight and gets mad and refuses to help. We connect really well emotionally and have a blast in what little time off together we have. She only works about 6 hrs a day at a desk job and doesn't budge from the tv at night. I work on class 8 trucks all night--so I'm not the most motivated to do more labor at home.

She didn't use to be like this...what can do to get a little help or is it too late? Sorry for the rant but I'm at my ropes end.

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It sounds like you have a communication problem. You believe you had an agreement in the beginning, but she won't go there now. Maybe you didn't have the agreement you thought. Tell her it's time to sit down at the kitchen table and talk about splitting up the household chores. Put all the chores down on paper and then work it out. If she says that you are just trying to start a fight and she won't have the discussion, then tell her that maybe moving in together was not such a good idea and maybe you should agree to live apart. Not end the relationship, just live apart. Was her place a pigpen when you met her? If it was, then you should have seen it coming.

It sounds like you do the cooking but she is supposed to buy the groceries. Put together a meal plan. Tell her what groceries she needs to buy so you can cook. If you come home and she has not bought the groceries, go out to eat - by yourself.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2005 at 8:50AM
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IMHO the concerns you've described are too basic to have to argue about. This is way beyond a "communication problem". Fiance? Bail while you can. 4 months of this should be more than a clue.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2005 at 4:36PM
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This sounds way one-sided.

Is anyone else having trouble figuring out whether she moved to his place, he moved to her place, or they got a place together?

and has anyone else looked at toasted's member page?

    Bookmark   December 20, 2005 at 10:20PM
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I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. If what you think is calmly discussing things your fiance thinks is getting into a fight, then maybe you are not perceiving all of how you come across. I know lots of times men I know act in a mean, agressive, hurtful way, and the whole time they think they are being calm and reasonable, they just do not perceive the other person's perspective. I know I can come across bitvchy to some people depending on their personality and experiences and all the while I may not realize it and not mean anything bittchy at all.

You and your fiance have a serious communication issue and you need to get counseling ASAP and stick to it until this problem is solved or it will just fester and create a bad situation in your relationship over the long haul. Keep looking until you find a counselor you both like. And if she won't go, find one you like and go on your own. Find someone who can take the time to help you really solve this problem. It's beyond the scope of this forum I think.

    Bookmark   January 20, 2006 at 1:26AM
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No I try to calmly discuss it, she just doesn't want to discuss it at all and I do. She seem perfectly content to let me do all the work and bill paying now that's we've gotten a place together.
She says she has a bad back but it never seems to stop her from doing "fun" things. ie going out to dance etc. Even her mom has notice she isn't helping around here.
And to make it better she still hasn't bought groceries in 2 months now. Which is making it hard for me to pay all the other bills. Honestly I don't think counseling would help any. She's says I'm wanting her to change and all I want is some help.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2006 at 2:27PM
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I'm thinking getting married to this woman may not make you happy. It won't get better. She wants a sugar daddy. And a maid.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2006 at 3:29PM
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This is very apparent now. Things were great when she wasn't living with me. Thank god for finding out before we got married and had kids and all. Alot less messy to end it now rather than later. She wanted to get married before she moved in, should have seen that as a warning sign. Oh well, such is life eh?

    Bookmark   January 22, 2006 at 9:48PM
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