Boo!!....Do the words 'I do' scare you?

TinmantuNovember 7, 2007

I've been divorced for 14 or so years now and have had a relationship here and there. Nothing that was long term and spells of 2 years or more, where I didn't date at all. I'm seeing a woman now that hints (sometimes strongly) of marriage and spending the rest of our lives together. She put me on the spot recently and asked if I indeed felt the same. Had to be honest and tell her that I have been alone for so long that at this time I couldn't commit. She was disappointed but still wants to see me. I'm not asking for advice, just setting up conversation. Anyone else out there that is perfectly happy with living alone and is glad to see company go home?

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kayjones

I've said those words twice, so no - they don't scare me. I enjoy being married, and all that goes with it. I have no idea if I will marry again - just have to see.

I was divorced from my first husband 25 years before I married the second time. I said that I would never marry again - then I married for the second time. I would still be married to my second husband, except that he passed away.

I hope to meet someone and fall in love again before my life is over. I would say I will probably marry again some day. My views on relationships have changed over the last few years - I have learned to respect my relationships much more now.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 9:11PM
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centralcacyclist

I'm not afraid of getting married to the right person. I do not have it as a goal but I would certainly say yes if the right man asked.

I have several women friends who are like you, Mike, happy to be alone when company goes home. I miss the good stuff of being a couple. I hope to find it again.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 9:40PM
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Tinmantu

Maybe that's just where I'm at Eileen. It's not a goal and maybe I'm just not head over heels....I do enjoy my quiet time more than most I suspect. If I were born a hundred years earlier, I would have made a great mountain man....(No Broke Back Mountain jokes!!)...heh

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 11:05PM
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centralcacyclist

Well, Mike, I wouldn't marry just for the sake of not being alone. There ARE worse things than being alone--being in a committed relationship with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Yes, I think "head over heels" is required, at least part of the time.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 11:28PM
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mimi_boo

Oh goodness - this post's title scared me! My nickname at home is "Boo"...

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 11:43AM
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finedreams

I have been by myself for a long time and most of the time I enjoy it, at the same time it is great to be in a good relationship. i would take risk again if I am with the right person, but if relationship is not right then it is always better to be alone. So if you are not 100% sure about the other person, enjoy your singlehood.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 5:03PM
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gabrielesgarden

you bet they scare me.....yet I still think about the possibility of it happening again someday.

I've been seeing someone for just shy of 7 months, and while we really enjoy each others company, and we spend the weekends together, I think we both still want our space in our own homes.

I've been married before for 17 years, and have been divorced for 10. I walked away from the marriage with nothing after all those years and had to rebuild my entire life, including my credit. After going through all that, I am very reluctant to do it again, but that doesnt stop me from thinking about how nice it would be to be in that place again... with the right person... and maybe my guy is the right person, but we need to let our relationship grow for at least to the 2 year mark before I would think about living with him... and then it would have to be another two years after that before I would consider those two words. If I do it again, I dont want another divorce.

It takes years to really know someone, and then, do you really know them?

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 5:52PM
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Tinmantu

Sorry to scare you mimi, wasn't considering it when I came up with the title. Hi to finedreams and gabrielsgarden! Not that you may be new, but I am newly back and hope that you continue to post here. You have very good points. It would take me a longer term relationship than what I have ever done before, in order to say those "magic" words.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 9:39PM
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gabrielesgarden

women are funny creatures, sometimes i wonder how i am one...my boyfriends calls me an alien! anyway, I've seen how some women behave with men, how they can manipulate them to getting what they want. I call that using! And that includes getting them to marry. Some guys are putty in their hands...I call that being pussy whipped. I appreciate and respect a man who has a mind of his own and doesn't allow a woman to manipulate him. On the other hand, I also appreciate and respect a man who is not afraid to commit, but it has to be for all the right reasons....and I do think "head over heals" should be one of them.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 12:27PM
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bunnyman

I can't imagine being in a relationship much less getting married. My mother popped up a couple years ago peacock proud that she had managed to sabatage every job and relationship I'd ever had. I had alway written my problems off to bad luck and never suspected the back stabbing. Like a complete idiot I had never hid my employment or relationships from my parents and was pretty much a sitting duck. Now that I'm fourty-something I don't even know how I could trust anyone enough to have a "relationship". Find myself humiliated and angry to have mommy problems at this age. Best if I just wall off the outside world and spend what life I have left alone.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 12:51AM
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gabrielesgarden

bunnyman, that is a sad sad story! we could start a whole new thread on parents! I've been relatively blessed with at least one good parent, but it is all too common how messed up our parents can make us.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 8:55AM
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pris

I've hesitated joining this thread up 'til now but, what the hay, here goes.

I've been married twice. 16 years and two children and 17 years. I can honestly say that no, you never really know someone no matter how long the relationship. First marriage ended with hubbies midlife crisis. He fell for a fellow office employee who wanted out of her marriage. Yes, gabrialsgarden, she used him to do that. They ended up married for a short period of time but it didn't last. Why I married the second time, I have no idea. I had never been alone with myself in my life and thought I had to have someone. I stuck it out as long as I did because I hate to fail. I couldn't admit I had made a mistake. He turned out to be very controlling and attempted to alienate all my family and friends. It's a testimonial to them that they stuck by me regardless of his behaviour. It ended anyway but by that time I realized that I really had to learn how to like myself before I could ever love anyone else. I'm either still in the process of doing that or I've learned that I don't have to have someone to be happy and am afraid to upset my carefully contrived applecart. If I'm not happy, I've convinced myself that I am so I guess that's all that counts. The point is that the attributes we have in the beginning slowly change over the years and not always for the better. This is true of ourselves as well. I would never have thought the father of my children would do as he did nor that the man who was so loving and caring in the beginning of our relationship would try to isolate me from even my own kids. But, there you go. By the way, the second marriage lasted 17 years but it took 3 years to get the divorce so we were together 14.

So, if the words "I do" are followed by "want to run like hell" then I'm not afraid say them.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 9:46AM
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Tinmantu

Bunnyman, I'm sorry to hear of your experiences...I'm the youngest of 4 and if my mom had her way I would have never grown up. She disliked my wife from the start. When she was ignored, she moved into sabotage mode. Accusations of child abuse (told her to call the police if she had proof..never did), wife stealing jewelry (turned up a day later and never an apology to wife)...after comparing notes she does this to all her kids spouses. Been going on for over 20 years now. She recently ran my sister off ,with her vowing to never come back. It's a sad deal, but you have to look at it as THEIR problem and not yours. I hope you do get over those wounds and at least consider taking a chance on a special woman (broken hearts heal, trust me).....to pris, I like the ending your post...LOL...and thank you for joining the thread. :)

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 9:11PM
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pris

I've been lucky in that I was raised by a wonderful mother and also had extremely nice inlaws. But by and large I've always believed that young marrieds should live at least 1/2 days drive from any and all relatives. At least until they are well established in their marriage and comfortable with each other to the extent that outside influences don't affect them as much. I don't know what I would do if my own mother had treated me in that manner or tried to influence how I treated my spouse. That has to be a hard thing to endure. My advise would be this. You have to do what is necessary for your own survival. If anyone is threatening your well being in anyway, then, you have to remove yourself from the situation. And, remember, your mother is the exception, not the rule. Thank God everyone is not like that. I am so sorry you are going through this. Surround yourself with people you like and trust and buffer yourself from those that are harmful to you. In time you will learn to trust again.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2007 at 9:49AM
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quirk

Do the words I do scare me? Absolutely. But not in a want to run screaming kind of way, more in a move to another country or embark on a drastic career change kind of way. I've never been part of a couple- by which I mean serious, living together, planning a future together couple- I'm very accustomed to being on my own, making my own decisions without having to worry too much how it affects anyone else, so it's pretty far out of my comfort zone. Making it scary. But not undesirable.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2007 at 10:37AM
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mimi_boo

Quirk - those are my thoughts exactly...

    Bookmark   November 15, 2007 at 3:26PM
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green-zeus

I've never been comfortable living with anyone so know where you're coming from. Being true to self and not marrying just because you THINK you might end up happy is the way to go. No one completes you. You are already complete. Sometimes you just don't know that you are.

Living by yourself is so much easier. Even the perfect relationship would require SOME hassle. That's just the way it is. It really depends how you are wired emotionally speaking. I have a group of friends--both male and female---that run from those words because their lives are filled with hobbies and doing things and learning. We are our own little group who support one another, have dinner together, do projects together, BUT THEN THEY GO HOME. Some of them have been married and divorced, some are life-long single people. But all seem to agree (especially the divorced ones in the group) that their lives are more productive and happy in the unmarried state.

Relationships with people is what's important. And it doesn't REQUIRE marriage. Building a group of people who are your second family by your CHOICE is a great way to go.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2007 at 11:15AM
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asolo

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katharine Hepburn

    Bookmark   November 16, 2007 at 12:52PM
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Tinmantu

good words of advice green-zeus!

    Bookmark   November 16, 2007 at 8:21PM
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