back in the game?

butterfly_crOctober 20, 2008

hi, I am new here. Please don't judge me by what you read...this situation is uncharacteristic of me, but big changes in life cause you to do crazy things sometimes.

I divorced about 2 years ago. I have been dating this one man for a while now, he'd been a family friend. He is 10 yrs older than me and we get along very well, however he is still married. I know what your thinking...but honest they are only still married because of their kids. He thought of leaving her before but didn't because he had no where else to go and decided to stick it out to be with the kids. He says that now that he has found me he plans to leave her, soon. Since we all were friends at one time, he is waiting so that its not too odd for the kids and our ex's when we eventually annuonce we are together. I do love him and would enjoy living with him and spending my life with him BUT he does have a few annoyances (dont they all). He can be selfish with his time and I worry he will run to his kids every call (even when they just do it for the power). I understand his kids are important, i have kids to...but I am able to see when they are abusing a situation. I also don't like being a home wrecker. What if it didn't work out, now he's left a life he can't just go back to. I want to believe this situation is different, that he really is going to leave...but then I hear in the back of my mind those tv/movie/magazine articles saying "they never leave". I foresee excuse after excuse to push off leaving. I gave him a date/ultimatum (april)that i need to know by otherwise I may move out of state where I will have some family support. (i don't really want to move, but financially i might have to, and if there is nothing/no one for me here - than why not move)

WHATS MORE is... I recently hooked up with a guy i know thru work (it's ok - it an extremely casual work situation). It was very unexpected for me, but apparetly he has had his eye on my for a while. He is my age, We have a lot in common, and he's been divorced several yrs with one child. About a year ago he left a 4yr/bad relationship. He gave me a whole speech about taking this relationship slowly because he doesn't want another failed one. I agree going slow is a good idea for many reasons and he says he foresees a relationship between us down the road but right now he has a lot going on (work & such) and needs to accomplish these goals first. He's already mentioned wanting me to meet his parents! However when i let him know I am free (kids with dad) he acts so non-chalant about spending time with me. He says he likes me, He says he can see himself really falling for me, but has these goals to tend to right now. I trust him and I want to beleive it, I want to think he is just trying hard not to get too close to me, too attached to me right now so that i don't get in the way of his goals (they are short term things)which I understand BUT then I worry if I am just being a fool. If what he says is the truth, I think we would be great together and overall, in the long run a healthier relationship than the one above. So do I wait this out the 2 months for him to finish these other goals,and then see what happens - or quit now?

I appreciate ur help... I have no girlfriends I can talk to about this. And the 2nd guy...his friends lately are much younger and immature then him, so I can't ask them anything. Besides he acts much different in front of them than when were alone - question is which is the act and which is the real guy. Or perhaps he does intend to have a relationship with me, but he won't be able to give up being immature with his current young buddies.

To wait or not to wait?

Which guy ? I don't like having 2 "relationships" at the same time. I feel as if I need to be true to myself and let one go, but I fear losing both.

Being with this new guy has shed some light on things i really do not like about the older guy, on the other hand I have been in this relationship for a long time and its hard to let it go for someone new. BUT if what this new guy says is true, and we have a relationship soon when he's done these goals - I really think he'd be the better guy for me. where's the crystal ball when you need it lol

I hate being alone, I AM READY to date, but I have a fragile heart - I always have... I don't like these emotional roller-coaster rides... and it makes it harder trying to go alone, not having a girlfriend to confide in and bounce things off of on a regular basis...that is what brought me here.

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momma2b

3 Words: DON'T DO IT! From someone who has been in that situation, started their current relationship with a guy who was basically "roomates" with his then girlfriend...it will not stay as exciting or fresh as what it may seem now, or what you may imagine it being (if nothing has yet happened). For me, there is constant worry about his wandering eyes, is he looking for someone else? keeping me until something better comes along? if something more exciting came along, would he cheat on me as well? These may seem like simple paranoia, but he did it on his past gf, why wouldn't he do it to you? I know I seem cynical, but I am just trying to point out things that you may not want to ask yourself. Besides, you will always have it in your heart the hurt and dissappointment with yourself for cheating with him on his current gf/wife...even if she never finds out, you will know.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2008 at 10:54AM
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centralcacyclist

Is there a door number 3?

Sorry, I think there is a better option for you than either of these two men. Hang onto your heart and save it for someone who is ready for a real relationship. You deserve it.

    Bookmark   October 21, 2008 at 5:50PM
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texaswoman

I agree with barnmom. Neither of these two guys are worth your time. Don't "settle". Find someone else.

    Bookmark   October 22, 2008 at 3:21PM
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lucy

You're "wanting" is getting ahead of your brain and if you were standing on the outside like us here, reading your note, you'd agree that neither of your guys is going to come through for you, or even if they do, you probably wouldn't want them past the first week. I know it's really hard being alone, but even worse is being there but trapped by a relationship!

    Bookmark   October 28, 2008 at 9:26PM
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onyxguy

Hey Butterfly...take it from a guy, these women are absolutly right in their advise. spread those wings and fly!

yours truly,
onyxguy

    Bookmark   October 29, 2008 at 10:05AM
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sayhellonow

"honest they are only still married because of their kids"

i've heard that so many times that it absolutely amazes me that anyone is still buying it.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2008 at 3:21AM
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silversword

no kidding sayhello.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2008 at 10:39AM
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kaye820

Hi Butterfly.
First, how old are you; Second, dump the old married guy ("OMG"). He's not worth it and it will never work; Third, co-worker ("CW") is immature, impressionable and commitment-phobic.

Stop talking to OMG; he just checks in occasionally to keep you hooked! You are diminishing your self-esteem by being available at any time, anywhere; he is wasting your time and life and what's worse is that you are letting him.

Regarding CW, tell him that you're considering moving out of state--let him know that it's a serious possibility. As for his "goals" that prevent his growing up and entering into a serious relationship, he's stalling. He has his his pals to spend time with whereas you are alone. That his behavior with the pals is so different than with you is a big tip-off about maturity.

Make certain these guys know you have had it with being demeaned, dismissed and jerked around in general. It is way past time to be very kind to yourself. As far as having a fragile heart, for your own sake you simply must toughen up; that vulnerability attracts losers like these men. Further, you are depressed (who wouldn't be?) and therapy would help enormously, whether with a psychologist or with a minister. They can give you mental tools to help you be couragous and improve your self-image.

You are worth it. These two clowns are not.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 3:05PM
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