Will soon be single...feel horrible

cheerful1_gwOctober 31, 2005

It did not come as a surprise, but it still feels lousy. I feel like a failure, that I didn't do enough to keep the marriage going. It's a complicated situation; I have to find a new place to live; he wants me out. He relates the marriage to being employed: if you keep screwing up, you'll eventually get fired. He thinks I've given more of an effort to my job than to the marriage. I said the job is more black and white than a relationship is. I don't know if I'm coming across well, but I needed to vent a little bit.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your marriage. By no means should you feel like a failure. All relationships are a two-way street. Feel free to vent here any time. There are some great people on this forum - but it does tend to be slow.

So where will you be moving to? I used to live in New York. Are you in the city? Upstate?

Post again - please. And big hugs to you.

Barbara (Tampa)

    Bookmark   October 31, 2005 at 4:03PM
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Before you move out of the house, get legal advice from an attorney.

I don't know about where you live, but in Texas, if the house was purchased after you were married, it is most likely community property (there are exceptions, which is why an attorney would be helpful), and, even if one partner (not employer) bought the house before the marriage, the other partner has homestead rights & at least some financial entitlement.

These rights may be compromised if you move out ("abandoning the homestead"), which may be why he wants you out!

Take care of yourself, materially as well as in other ways.

and don't be discouraged if your posts on this forum don't generate much response. It's a very slow moving forum.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2005 at 7:39PM
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I am totally devastated right now. I've been married so long, I won't know how to handle being single. I'll be going from a house to an apartment; I won't be able to face my family and friends.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2005 at 3:24PM
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Don't let this isolate you from your family & friends!

Chances are they have some different perspectives that will help you.

And *why* are *you* the one moving??

Your member page says you were having a house built when you joined gw.
Consult an attorney!

    Bookmark   November 1, 2005 at 7:17PM
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My heart aches for you, you sound so sad. I wonder, this man sounds like he has really beaten you about the head and shoulders emotionally. Marriage is a partnership, it takes both parties to make it work or fail. You can't possible be the one to take all the blame for the failure. He sounds a bit controlling. Marriage is not an employer/employee contract. What a strange analogy. please see a counselor and an attorney before you move or relinquish anything: rights, property.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2005 at 3:10PM
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I agree with BarnMom's post 100%! You must not blame yourself for what, at the moment, you percieve as "failure". You sound like you have been treated very badly and must not give in to believing every negative your spouse throws at you. First thing tomorrow - get a good lawyer and I agree, don't --under any circumstances --leave the house until or unless the attorney tells you to. Find at least one (real) friend and/or close family member to confide in and vent. And pray, it works, it really does.
Please feel like you have friends here - most, if not all of us have been where you are now and we know that there really is light at the end of what seems like a very long tunnel. I promise.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2005 at 9:15PM
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Just checking in to see how you're doing...

    Bookmark   November 7, 2005 at 9:49AM
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We had a long, serious talk, and decided to give it one more try. I'm still feeling drained, but hopeful. There are a lot of things that need to be sorted out. I thank everyone here for their support.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2005 at 6:42AM
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Good luck Cheerful1... stay in touch?

    Bookmark   November 8, 2005 at 9:17PM
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Cheerful, sounds like you need some professional help. I urge you to get it. Don't worry about hubby on this one. Don't feel ashamed about anything. There's this bizzare idea a lot of people have in their heads I think from watching too much TV, that lives should be a lot more charmed than they are, like good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Well it just aint so, sorry, nope. "STUFF" happens. Forgive yourself and forgive others for being less than perfect. Get some help so you can feel truly cheerful. You can do it!

    Bookmark   December 9, 2005 at 9:01PM
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He sounds like a idiot. You will see once you get rid of the dead weight you will feel so much better and you won't feel like a failure. It wasn't your job to hold the marriage together, that's team work and he sounds like he was never part of the team. Pick your head up throw your shoulders back and get back out there in the dating scene or just take some time to yourself and refocus on what is really important to you, but never blame yourself for another person's actions. You are only responsible for your actions.

    Bookmark   February 4, 2006 at 3:24AM
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Not doing so well right now. Still married, but the problems have not been resolved yet. A big issue is communication. He says I don't think before I speak or act, and that I'll never change. He says he's tried everything to help me, and it's not working. He also says I know what the answers are. I admit he communicates better than I do. He also says I don't take responsibility for my actions. I used to make excuses in the past, but I thought I'd gotten better.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2006 at 11:11AM
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Why isn't he ever wrong?

    Bookmark   February 21, 2006 at 12:07PM
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He tells me, "I haven't done anything wrong in the relationship". He's saying the mistakes I've made have compounded over the years, and he can't handle them anymore. I've admitted to making mistakes, but don't feel I'm the sole cause of the problems.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2006 at 12:48PM
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He too has made mistakes.. Sounds like he is putting one hell of a guilt trip on you.. I personally would watch it so he doesn't manipulate you into feeling guilty and get everything he wants out of a divorceb (if it comes to that).... He sounds like he is manipulating you because he is making the breakup of the marriage ALL you fault.. You know this is sooo not true.. Please please please take legal council if the marriage is going to end BEFORE you do ANYTHING. You might not care now because your heart is hurting.. But after you heal from the relationship YOU WILL and it will be to late!!!!!!! Make sure you don't get SCREWED!!! You know he is going to cover his butt.. And so should you...

    Bookmark   February 21, 2006 at 1:14PM
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I feel so bad for you. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but please know you are not alone. Could you possibly get some counseling? I think you really need face to face support from someone, somewhere to get a clear perspective, not just negative feedback from him. Please don't feel helpless - you're not, and don't be embarrassed or afraid to ask for help at this time in your life. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do and I will add you to my prayer list tonight.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2006 at 10:37PM
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I do believe in God. I have prayed for guidance, strength, you name it. I feel like I need counseling, but he says it won't help since they'll tell me what I already know. He keeps saying I have the answers, but I don't feel that way right now.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 6:50AM
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I think you should go to counselling without him. Sounds to me like your self esteem needs a little boost! Ok - a lot of boost!

It takes two people to make or break a relationship. Please consider going. Contact your church, mental health clinic - but please go somewhere!

You're in my thoughts and prayers


    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 9:28AM
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Poor darling. This is not a loving relationship. He is controlling and mean spirited and must get some kind of weird sadistic satisfaction from watching your misery.

Pack your stuff, find your bootstraps and give them a big yank and walk out that door. Spend some time learning to love yourself, you are lovable and worthy, mistakes, failings and all that you are. You sound like a nice person in a very difficult and damaging situation. He has worn down your self esteem and now you think what he says his true! It's not. Yielding to this emotional blackmail just reinforces his sorry and erroneous opinion of you for him. Look him in the eye and tell him he is wrong, you are a good human being doing your best in a difficult marriage with a manipulative and emotionally abusive man and you aren't going to do it anymore. Since he is so unhappy tell him he is welcome to leave. Pack his crap and put in on the lawn and change the locks. Have him served with divorce papers at his place of business.

My 2 cents.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 12:42PM
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I said to him, this must make you very happy. He said, How can you say that?

What I can't understand it, if this process is making us both miserable, why go through it?

Am I missing something here?

I told him, all I want is to be accepted for what I am, faults and all. He looks at that as being allowed to get away with anything I want.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 1:07PM
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He is using you to make himself look good in some twisted way. By continuing to make you the scapegoat for all that is wrong, which seems to be fundamentally everything, he escapes any blame. This is a load of hogwash, don't accept it. See above, he is mean, NOT loving.

Years ago I had a live-in boyfriend who would get a hair up his backside about every 4-6 months and threaten to leave me over something, anything. I fell for it for a long time, he would storm out, I would worry, cry myself into a frenzy, beg, plead, call anyone who might know where he was. In the end he would come back and act like he had forgiven me one more time but I'd better watch it! I would be grateful and weepy and compliant. One night we were laying in bed talking and I had a differing point of view than him on something really stupid, I think it was how whales communicate. He started with the threatening-to-leave business because I didn't agree with him. Mind you, this was not a shouting match but a simple quiet discussion as we lay in bed one night. I felt myself snap to attention as it came into focus that this purely manipulative crap. I looked at him and quietly told him I would not participate in his threats to leave me any longer. He was free to stay and work on and be a part of our relationship or go his own way, no more threats, no more manipulation. Stay or go, his choice. I put my head down and went to sleep.

The next day or so, he went looking for an apartment. I was sad, I cried, I wanted him back, but I never once regretted standing up to him and ending the threats and manipulation. We tried one more time several months later to reunite at his insistance. Other issues arose, his boozing brother moved in, BF sided with him against me. I moved out. Many years later, he apologized. Much water had passed under the bridge with regard to that brother and even he had finally burned the bridge himself and no longer speaks to him.

Don't let him bully you any longer. He is a bully, plain and simple.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 2:00PM
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Thanks to everyone for their input. It makes me feel better. Will keep you posted.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2006 at 2:41PM
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When does the pain and sadness go away?

    Bookmark   February 23, 2006 at 8:37AM
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cheerful 1

I think the pain and sadness goes away after it's served it's usefullness. It's a part of the process. It's been more than 2 1/2 years for me, and I'm just now starting to get back to being me, but everyone is different. So, don't judge yourself. Allow yourself the pain and sadness. Accept it, embrace it. It's part of grieving.

Here is a link I found that might be of some help to you...

    Bookmark   February 23, 2006 at 6:20PM
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Thanks, Jean. I will take a look at it. You know what bothers me a lot is that I didn't grieve this much for my beloved father, who passed away last year.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2006 at 7:01AM
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grief is different. It holds to no pattern. Please, don't compare yourself. Even with yourself.

This is different than losing a parent. It's losing a life. Yours as you knew it. It's a harder grief when it's for yourself. You're losing what you thought was going to be your partner for life. It's a betrayal. It's a loss of so many things. Not just one. Be kind to yourself, and let the tears flow as they must. Things will NOT remain the same forever. I CAN promise that.

Please take care


    Bookmark   February 25, 2006 at 3:55AM
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Hey Cheerful - I just read your posts. You say you won't be able to face your family and friends?

He is telling you he keeps trying to help you? If you keep screwing up you get fired?

If I were you I would look FORWARD to being single. When I was first divorced I did have some feelings of grief.

After 20 years of working my butt off, building a home, farm, way of life.....
I end up living in a one room apartment, sitting in a laundry mat washing my clothes and having some ding-bat use corny pick-up lines on me while the clothes dry. I thought 'I've worked my whole life for THIS?'.

But the FREEDOM that came with it was fantastic. I didn't stay in that little one room apartment for long. Got back in touch with freinds that my controlling husband had kept me from - made great new freinds. Went shopping at WalMart at 3am if I felt like it and took naps at noon - if I felt like it - on my days off.

I had not realized just how much I tip-toed around his emotions, careful of every word I spoke. Careful of who or how I spoke to someone else so he wouldn't become angry. It took a lot of changes on my part to give me the courage to stand up to him - like you said - 'faults and all'.

Amazing how we begin to always see ourselves as the ones at fault - screw that - I yam what I yam - love me or not.

I would hope that your family would accept you one way or another - but if not - there are great freinds to be had out there. I have found some that are much closer to me than any family I ever had.

Best of luck to you - I can only hope that you will find all the happiness that I did. My divorce was the scariest thing I ever did and it ended up being the best thing I ever did.

    Bookmark   February 27, 2006 at 4:50AM
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I am scared out of my mind. It's affecting my work, which is no good since I need the income. My anxiety (due to being in menopause) has gotten worse. My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-anxiety medicine. The way I feel right now, I would want to take a lot of them. I don't want to die, but I want the pain to go away. It's funny, I don't hate my husband for this, but I feel sorry for him. He's hurting, too. I ordered a book on Emotional Abuse, to see if what I've done over the years to him was actually abuse, as he said.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2006 at 7:12AM
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Sorry to keep coming back to this. I'm normally a private person, but have no one else to turn to. He wants to cut ties to his family as well. He feels they were always lecturing him and telling him how to act, as he felt I was doing. At the risk of sounding stupid, I never realized over the course of my marriage (25+ years), that the problems were affecting him so much; only over the last year or so. I know you have ups and downs. But how could I have been so blind to the severity of the problems?

    Bookmark   March 1, 2006 at 9:15AM
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Dear Cheerful,
One of the odd blessings that comes from going through a very difficult time, at least in my experience and what I've heard from some of my friends, is you have several opportunities to grow as a person and also to serve others. When things are going well we tend to go along and take certain things for granted, including our relationship with the "higher power." Then, hard times force us to change and if we take advantage of the opportunity, to "grow." Grow in our spiritual life, and grow in our relationships to others. You develop the ability to empathize with people you would have never noticed before, and you receive help from wonderful people along your way to "recovery." I urge you to find a support group as fast as you can for people who are going through separation and divorce. Find a church that offers this, and join and start going right now! Or call your community mental health center and ask for a recommendation. You will feel so much better when you seize control of your life and take action! Even if you don't end up divorcing. A dear friend of mine experienced just what you're experiencing and she joined a group like I describe at her church and it helped her. When you reach out, you will find others are going through exactly what you are going through. Also, you will learn to give and receive empowering support. This sad experience could actually be a great opportunity for you to deepen your spiritual walk through this life. Get started going to a support group! This forum moves at a dinosaur's pace! A few dear souls, but you need something closer to your actual life. Keep us posted!

    Bookmark   March 12, 2006 at 9:03AM
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So nothing has been his fault since he was a child?
He's just too sensitive for the beasts that his parents, & then you, turned out to be?

Bless his heart, he's just a sheep in wolf's clothing, isn't he?

Acts ugly, makes you beg him to tell you what you've done wrong, says you already know what you've done wrong....

but actually it's just 'cause he's so sensitive.

I had one of those guys.

His goal was to reduce me to something less than human & then to feel exultant about it.

The complete dismantling of a human being:
What a power rush!

& he wouldn't have stopped until I was dead or in an institution.

I am afraid that you are in very real danger:
When guys like this decide to cut strings, they have no intention of splitting the resources; they're gonna keep it all.

You are in his way, & he's ruthless.

Get an attorney, get into a support group, get the divorce, get half of the property & assets, & get him out of your life where he cannot hurt you.

The longer you wait, the more time you give him to:
1) hide assets
2) convince you that you are worthless & that if you have any decency at all you'll just remove yourself from his life. or from life in general.

Kind of a Scott Peterson philosophy.

Get an attorney & *stop talking to the one person who wants bad things to happen to you*.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2006 at 4:13PM
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Menopause doesn't have to be miserable.

If you don't have health insurance, you can get hormone replacement therapy from Planned Parenthood for a minimal cost.

You don't have to stay on hormones forever if you don't want to, but right now you need something stabilizing.
You cannot afford to be debilitated or distracted or thrown off base right now.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2006 at 4:27PM
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Things were on an even keel for a little while, but I put something off he asked me to do and I didn't tell him about it until the end of the day. He said that's a perfect indication of the big picture that I only think about myself; that he's not even on my radar. He's calling me a coward for not wanting to tell my family about the impending divorce until it actually happens. He meets things head on, and doesn't take the "easy way out". I have a big problem with confrontations. Even with everything going on, I feel sorry for him. I can see this whole thing taking a toll on him as well.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2006 at 7:01AM
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Have you asked around and are you finding a good lawyer?? DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE... If he wants a divorce, show HIM where the door is... If he wants out, tell him to get out, that YOU are not leaving!

I think you need to read that book on abuse SEE that what he is doing to YOU is abusive.

Are you listening to ANY of the excellent advice given in any of the posts above??

    Bookmark   March 29, 2006 at 12:54PM
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He said to me this morning, you won, you beat me down, I can't take you and your abuse anymore. He also said his blood pressure has skyrocketed. While I don't feel I'm totally responsible for the breakdown of the marriage, why do I still feel for him? As far as winning anything, I haven't won s..t! All I wanted was for us to be happy.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2006 at 1:22PM
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I have been watching this thread for awhile/lurking
and i cant stand by and not get on my soapbox

1.he says "you won" that is just more of his berating you .

2.in my opinion this guy needs to kicked to the curb

3. you never will find any happiness with your husband
unless you become his twisted little perfect pet
that he can give you a verbal lashing whenever the mood is upon him .

4. do you want to go on living with the nonstop guilt trip this guy keeps laying on you ??
nobody is perfect and he should be trying to understand that he isnt either and "clean up his own backyard first".
and thats this guys opinion !!

    Bookmark   April 5, 2006 at 8:13PM
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By no means should you feel horrible. One person can not hold a marriage together, it takes two. He sounds so harsh and uncaring so you will probably be better off. His tail should be glad you were working. In this day and time it takes two incomes to live comfortably.
My question to you was as the others WHY ARE YOU MOVING OUT? You didn't mention if children were involved or if your name was on the mortgage. If children are in the home make his tail move out. If your name is on the mortgage as well don't you dare leave, make his butt sleep on the couch or let him move out.
He sounds like he was very unsupportive of you working. Put the marriage first he says most women do everything in the marriage for the most part. WORK, CLEAN, COOK, TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, SEX HIM , HANDLE THE CHECK BOOK , GO SHOPPING, what the hell else does he want?

    Bookmark   April 12, 2006 at 3:08AM
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Am still hanging on, but it will be over soon. We had a long smooth patch, but he blew up at me yesterday because I told him not to honk his horn at someone who was taking his time pulling out of a driveway (I worry about road rage). He said this is a culmination of my behavior over the years; I'm allowed to behave however I want, and he's not. Everything is one-sided; he gives and gives, and I only take. He also said he should have left years ago when he wanted to. I told him he gave me mixed signals, that when everything calmed down, I took it as being back to normal. Apparently the calmness was only a facade.

I'm sorry to rant, but I'm very upset right now.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2006 at 7:54AM
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I haven't posted in a long time, but your post touched me. It looks to me like he just wants out and is trying to make you make the final decision. This way he can tell himself, his family and friends that it is all your fault.
He's given you all the answers you need. He's felt this way "a long time" and should have left "years ago". Tell him if wants out don't let the door hit him in the butt on the way out. Do not, in any circumstances, leave the home you helped to build and maintain all these years. Just remember that he is the one wanting out and as such should also be the one to lose the most.

Hope this helps

    Bookmark   June 17, 2006 at 9:21AM
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Cheerful I............I've been there. It's over now,
and I finally realize the pain was in the marriage.
Eventually, the pain goes away and you find serenity
and freedom and it's worth it. Twenty years of trying
to please someone else and finding it's really a one
sided effort, is damaging to the soul. I wish you the
best. Hopefully someday, you'll put it in another
perspective. Best wishes...

    Bookmark   June 18, 2006 at 10:15PM
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A long tme ago some one in this thread mentioned getting counseling. I did that, to try and save my marriage. ended up saving my self, and my kids. best thing I ever did! now the next part is getting on with it. sure your going to cry, but you will hurt at some point whether its now or next year with this guy, so wouldnt it be better to get it over with at the age you are at, while you can still rebuild? Ive seen some ladies hold on for a real long time, and what do they get? POVERTY! NO TME TO REBUILD, GET A GOOD HOME ETC. if you dont think its really going to make it, better to bail now while you have the strength you will need to rebuild. and you may be suprised. after it happened to me even his friends said, "why on earth did you wait so long" and I said,"I didnt think I could take it/make it alone." and they said, "You have been alone along time, doing it all by yourself, at least now you wont have to fight against some one trying to undo your good progress. NOw to the fun prt. WANT A WAFFLE? NO one is going to tell you its to late in the day, so have one. Want some fresh lime slices for your ice watter? NO ONE WILL TELL YOU "ITS TO EXPENSIVE" SO GET SOME. want to re watch you favorite movie, in bed? go to it, its your bed, your room, and your entertainment system. once you find out how to really love and celebrate all the good things about your self, you will be glad this happened. (I know doesnt sound possible) one of my kids said to me, as we walked along on one of our weekend jaunts, "Lets Go home" and I said, arnt you having fun? and she said, Yes, but since dads not at home, it would be fun there too, and Id like to try it!.
words to live by.

    Bookmark   June 22, 2006 at 11:47AM
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Bless your heart cheerful. I hope you come back on soon, I weant to know how you are doing now. I too, have gone through this and I have survived...not only the divorce but with him taking my daughter too. Now it's been 8 years and my daughter came back (and left again becaseu she was old enough to move out on her own,)I have to tell you it is so nice to be me and not have anyone tell me what i can or cant do, i dont have to beg for money anymore becaseu i make my own, and after 8 long hard years of living in an apartment, i finally bought my own house. YOU TOO can do this!!!!! All of us women on this thread have done it, it can be done!!!

hugs and prayers to you!!!

    Bookmark   June 23, 2006 at 4:38PM
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