Friend seems to never want to drive to visit me

nougat99September 7, 2008

Hi all, couldn't find the right category to post in so thought I'd try this one.

I have a close friend I've known since high school, and we're in our 30s now. She lives in the same city as we grew up in, and I have family that still lives there as well. When I moved to a city 2 hours away, I think she only came to visit 3 times - she always came with another friend as a carpool, and never visited me alone.

I now live an hour away. Recently I went through a rough patch in life and this friend did come up to see me, however again this was in conjunction with our other close friend. Other than on my birthday, that has been the only time she's has visited me.

The majority of the time that we do see each other it is because I make the phone call and suggest arrangements, and this usually falls into weekends when I visit my family. This friend has never been much of a driver since we've known each other, and I guess I've never asked her why, but as far as I know she has not had any sort of traumatic experience while driving or being a passenger. In our group of friends, although we never spoke about it, I think we all realize it, and just have taken our turns being the one to drive.

Just this week I called up to suggest that we go shopping - at an outlet in my area. Her reply was that it was too far... and that besides that she had just gone to another set of outlets with her husband (a one hour drive past me from her home) recently.

I am bothered by feeling that I am doing all the work... making the phone call, making the drive, making the plans. We have grown apart over the years, but have said to each other that we have known each other for so long that it is an important friendship to both of us.

Any suggestions on how to bring this up to her without being pushy about it?

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It doesn't sound like the friendship is very special to her. I would not call her and see what happens. If she calls some time and wants to do something, tell her you have made plans already. Play hard to get. LOL

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 7:50PM
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Thirties are a hard time.. usually new husbands and babies or young kids take much time away from friends. I don't know what her family situation is, but when I was in my early thirties, I didn't have much time for friends that lived 10 minutes away, much less could I even imagine taking a day off to drive an hour to go shopping. Even if she doesn't have kids, sometimes work obligations or gatherings with the in-laws take over many weekends.

You say when you drive in, you're generally coming in town to visit your family... but, honestly, how many times would you drive that far and come in just to visit her? Have you driven in just to see her?

Have you guys considered meeting for lunch or dinner half way? That sounds like a plan to me...

I don't necessarily think that the friendship isn't special to her; I just think there are times in our lives when we aren't able to invest as much time as we like with all our friends. Some years are better than others. Friends don't need to physically see each other all that much. Keep in touch by phone.

And one more thing, it may not seem fair but I have noticed usually the friend or family member that moves away does come back to visit more... I mean, that's home, you're coming back to see many people. So don't keep tabs; it's not really fair. I mean, you may come in town 5 times a year..for a reunion, a funeral, a wedding shower, your mom's b-day, a niece's baptism, etc.... but that doesn't mean your friend should have to visit you five times a year. Get the point; you moved away, not her. And, she doesn't like to drive so you will probably be seeing her on her home turf way more often.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 11:31PM
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She may have a touch of agoraphobia or suffer from some mild anxiety when she ventures too far from home. I have had several friends through the years who aren't comfortable traveling. One friend will go out of town but ONLY if her husband comes with her. Another friend took her husband with her to a job interview because she was beginning to have panic attacks. She later got medication and treatment but at the time didn't know what was going on. I had another friend who had NO sense of direction. She lived a little more than a mile from me for 4 years and had to ask directions to my house every time she came alone. Usually her husband drove her around.

I suspect something other than lack of interest especially since she will go away from home with her husband or if someone else drives. She may be embarrassed to mention the problem.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2008 at 8:11AM
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"Friends" need to breath. Life brings changes. Not deserving of specific address.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2008 at 7:55PM
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I could've written that post. I usually meet my friend half way or try to lunch with her before I see my family who live in the same city she does. To expect your friend to drive out to you a lot is not very realistic. But if she doesn't ever want to meet half way, then you have grounds to be upset. In that case, it doesn't seem like the friendship is worth having.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2008 at 12:42AM
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I have a friend from high school who lives 20 minutes from me. We haven't seen each other in a year. We invite each other to our children's birthday parties, say "we should get together more often" but never do. I don't push it. She doesn't either. BTW, we are 2,600 miles from home, so it's not as if we're on our home turf.

Let it go. Be grateful for the friendship you have, don't push for more if you're not comfortable being the initiator. Go out, find new friends. As they say in Girl Scouts, make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold.

It's hard. I feel for you. But don't take it personal or let it get you down. Hopefully in the future you will come together again. If you are true soul sisters you will. If you are not, then you were once blessed with her as a friend. Take the good, and move on.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2008 at 12:38AM
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