What's the hardest thing about being newly single?

puddlejumperSeptember 27, 2003

I'm about to be single again and have no idea what I'm in for. I'm moving from a house to an apartment and that's a little traumatic. I was such a baby when I got married (21) and now I'm a young 44 yr old and looking forward to creating a new life for myself.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Puddlejumper

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Tinmantu

The toughest thing for me after the separation was getting to sleep at night...I am normally a hit the pillow and out type of person, but those first couple months were hard...listening to Neil Young, Harvest helped me immensely...just as I was adjusting and the divorce was less than a month from being final, the ex-to-be stops over one night and says that she made a mistake...tried to make it work for a couple weeks but it was obvious that nothing had changed...the day it was final, I had relief....In the other thread, I noticed you said you are in no hurry...that would be the best advice I could give you

    Bookmark   September 27, 2003 at 6:37PM
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Daisyduckworth

Being newly single is so rotten, it's impossible to pick out one individual thing about it that's the worst! That's not much consolation for you, no doubt, but the thing is that Time is on your side. If you take one day at a time, deal with one problem at a time, you soon won't be 'newly' single, but experienced and able to cope. There comes a time when you actually find positive things about it, and you may even get to like it. Just take things slowly, one step at a time, don't rush into anything, keep counting your blessings. Allow yourself to go through your grieving process, then pick up the pieces and just get on. That's what we've all had to do, and most of us have been successful at doing it. You will be, too. Best of luck. You are NOT alone.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2003 at 3:59AM
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Carrie B

As someone who's been single most of my adult life (and never married), but have many short-lived relationships as well, I've been "newly single" many times. The hardest thing for me about each ending, is the sense of frustration and failure to find, for lack of a better term, The One. I've always very much wanted a permanent partner, and each time a new relationship began I was hopeful that it would be it. As I get older (which is an issue for me - a woman in her late 30's who's always wanted to have, and raise, children with a partner), the issue takes on more urgency.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2003 at 1:22PM
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browntoestoo

No longer newly single, but it's still not easier, just more usual.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2003 at 9:41PM
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kayjones

I agree 100% with Duck - being 'newly' single stinks! It's lonely and quite frankly, boring. I have been married one time, divorced 22 years, in a relationship for 7 years, and alone for a month. I am not wanting all that a 'relationship' entails - I just want someone to pal around with. I have plenty I could do, but I am a person who likes to be active and DO things - where does an older lady go to find someone of a like mind? I am sure it will get better since I have already been down this road, BUT - right now it's a real bummer. Yes, I WILL take some cheese with my whine!!! LOL

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 1:04PM
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puddlejumper

Thanks for the encouragement Daisyduckworth! I agree it is rotten and it really, really stinks - but I've discovered that it isn't fatal.

I didn't sleep for the first 2 nights, Tinmantu. Did you ever get back to falling asleep easily? I'm still having a hard time sleeping.

Carrie - My friend just had a baby at 38. My SIL is about to have one at 40. I sympathize with your urgency, and wanted you to know there's still time!

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 6:21PM
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Tinmantu

Hi puddlejumper....I fall asleep just fine now, but I should, considering it's been almost 8 years :) .... I moved from Neil Young to audio books on my laptop as I drift off to sleep....unfortuately I keep having to start the chapters the next night because I crashed less than 10 min. into it...heh.....find something to occupy your time, instead of laying in bed, thinking of how things might have been different if.....read a book and fall asleep with the light on, listen to your favorite cd, whatever it takes...just don't dwell on things that you can't do anything about....sweet dreams

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 9:16PM
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Tinmantu

I never read so many books in years, as I did when I was trying to take my mind off of it initially...not sure what the ladies on the board would recommend (which might be better), but I am a huge Stephen King fan....for those nights I couldn't sleep it was nothing for me to read a hundred pages a night, of an 800 page novel...the trick was to go to bed earlier than your normal pattern and devote the time to that instead of sitting up and "thinking"

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 9:29PM
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Daisyduckworth

Oh dear, I've never been called 'Duck' before! I much prefer 'Daisy'!!

    Bookmark   October 3, 2003 at 8:17PM
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kayjones

CALL your friends! Talking the ears off my friends and aquaintenances has been a life-saver for me. The first two months were unbelievably painful, spent asking myself: what could I have done to prevent the breakup. As I have talked to my friends (and ONE sweet person in particular) for literally HOURS, I have been assured I couldn't have done much differently. Now, two months after the event, I find myself talking to one particular person for HOURS. I was not aware I could talk on the phone for ten minutes, let alone hours. Find an MSN instant messaging buddy - I did - and wear yourself out talking about everything. I find myself feeling renewed every time I talk to this person. Remember, you are not alone - people care about you - lean on them. There will come a day when you can do the same for someone else who is going thru tough times.

    Bookmark   November 3, 2003 at 9:51AM
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Tinmantu

Good post, Kay.....I have found such a person in my life....It's amazing how the time flies by when I am talking to her....sometimes it takes a brick up the side of the head to realize just how close that person might be

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 12:01AM
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kayjones

LOL, Mike - TOUCHE!

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 8:25AM
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Carrie B

Do tell, Mike...no wonder we haven't seen you here much lately!

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 10:07AM
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Tinmantu

I still look in often, Carrie...usually at lunch and don't have much time to post...you people just thought you got rid of the tinman..heh

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 2:00PM
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Tinmantu

I thought you might get a chuckle out of that one, Kay

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 2:03PM
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Carrie B

Glad we didn't lose you, Mike.

(...ah, a private joke/reference)

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 6:08PM
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GardenGhost

The hardest part for me was just simply getting used to the aloneness. When I was with someone, my whole life was wrapped up in what he wanted and when he wanted it and where he wanted to go and what I could do for him. When it was over, I felt lost. Who was I? What was I supposed to do with all this space and all this time??

Projects!! Take on projects--redecorating the house, landscaping the yard. Take on hobbies and make new friends. The best advice I can give is to fill every moment with all the things you would have done if you had had the time before.

I've been alone now for 12 yrs, and I really like it. I've learned so much about myself and I've learned how to do so much more than I would have if I'd been married. this may shock you, but I took a job in construction (the pay is better than secretarial work), and I learned enough to build my own house! That's something I'd never done if I had had a man around. I learned how to maneuver thru the internet. I learned how to garden and have landscaped my entire yard (NO GRASS). I've also begun learning oil painting, something I'd never had time for before.

I found when I was with someone, I lost myself. I became what he needed me to be. Everything in my life revolved around him and I was really an extension of him. But on my own, I learned who I was and what my dreams were. I learned that I really can do anything I wanna do. And I learned to not be afraid to try something completely new. Being alone taught me to keep stretching my boundaries and see just how high I can fly.

Look at this new aloneness as an opportunity for you to grow and branch out in different directions. It's an opportunity to be who you are and who you were meant to be. And just be all you can be. Let nothing stop you from pursuing your dreams, artistic endeavors, hobbies, etc. I feel more alive now than I did when I was in a relationship. Perhaps that is why I'm still single. LOL

Casper

    Bookmark   November 4, 2003 at 11:12PM
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kayjones

Tinmantu, I have been accused of having a paramour and I offered some clues. Now, it's your turn to tell us about YOUR intriguing paramour! Come on - spill it!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2003 at 2:51PM
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Tinmantu

Let's just say, that I have met a very special lady and I'm not one to kiss and tell :)

    Bookmark   November 5, 2003 at 3:12PM
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janet_ks

Well, no wonder it's been slow around here --- some people have been very "busy"!! LOL! Now, you guys have to realize that since I've been in a steady relationship for a while now, I have to live vicariously through you folks.....so, be sure to keep me posted. New relationships are so exciting -- best of luck to you!!

    Bookmark   November 5, 2003 at 3:19PM
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Tinmantu

if anything maybe it will spice things up....good things can come out of this board...I know that for a fact

    Bookmark   November 5, 2003 at 4:03PM
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