Sex Roles

Carrie BSeptember 29, 2003

I've posted variations of this question before, but as a new dater, this topic has taken on some weight for me. As a feminist woman who is interested in forming a serious partnership with a man, I'd like to think that I should just "do what feels right", but I think it can be more complex than that. How do you all feel about "the rules" of who asks who out, makes the phone calls, etc. at the very beginning? Are there any generalizations that really do apply?

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puddlejumper

Good question! For future reference, I was curious about who pays for what? I'm a little older, 44, so I probably would not hesitate to call first or ask someone out. I'm Guessing that if I ask someone out, I should be prepared to pay.

So, what is the current etiquite? Or is there any?

Puddlejumper

    Bookmark   September 29, 2003 at 5:20PM
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Tinmantu

I fall in puddlejumpers age group and feel the same way, I think it's more a matter of taking the initiative in a male or female to see just where they stand in the relationship instead of going to sleep wondering....I lost the fear of rejection, a long time ago....as far as who pays, I don't see a problem with the lady paying if she speaks up and invites to a dinner, saying "I'll treat"....if she doesn't say that it's "her treat" and I'm invited and I accept, I go with the intent to pay but I'm not going to make a big deal of it if she offers to pay her part...that's not being cheap, that's respecting how far along the relationship is and letting her make her decision

    Bookmark   September 29, 2003 at 11:00PM
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browntoestoo

Though I haven't dated since the demise of my marriage, most men my age seem to feel more comfortable picking up the check than not. I don't have a problem paying my own way, however. Communication is key.

Eileen

    Bookmark   September 30, 2003 at 7:37PM
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Daisyduckworth

Showing my wrinkles, perhaps, but I firmly believe that it is the man who 'controls' the relationship and where it goes, if anywhere. Most men hate to be pursued, and their perception of what 'being pursued' means is a little different to that of most women. They are quite sensitive about it, in fact. I will only telephone a man after he has indicated verbally that my calls will be welcome, and only in an established relationship will I suggest an outing. In fact, I prefer the man to call the shots. You know where you stand, that way. Even in the best of democracies and the most successful partnerships or teams, you have to have a leader.

An exception to this rule is when using telephone dating services, where my safety and security become top priorities. In that case, I expect a man to provide his telephone number (NOT a mobile number!), and I will call him at his request. I do not give my telephone number first up. Two or three calls maximum, and if he hasn't asked for my number after that time, I know he isn't all that interested ,and I only provide my telephone number when I've begun to trust him a little, and placed him as a 'potential'. I always leave it to him to suggest a meeting, and I always expect him to pay for whatever refreshments we might have if/when we meet. I never suggest a second 'date' - I leave it entirely up to him. Most intelligent people just KNOW if you've 'clicked' or not! I never expect a call if he says 'I'll ring you sometime', in which case I know I'm wasting my time in calling him, and I don't bother.

If somebody issues me an invitation, which I accept, then I am his guest, and therefore he pays. If I'm the one to issue the invitation to anyone, they become my guests, and I pay. It's that simple. I do not ask people to be my dinner guests, and then expect them to pay for their meal. That's ill-mannered, IMO. And I think it's just as ill-mannered for a guest to offer to pay for the meal or treat I've agreed (by virtue of the invitation I've issued) to provide. Nay, it's downright insulting!

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 3:07AM
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quirk

Well, doesn't it kind of depend on what you want in a relationship? If you want a traditional gender-defined relationship, then acting that way from the start kind of seems like the way to go. If by "feminist woman" you mean you don't really subscribe to living by traditional gender-defined roles in life, then why would you start out getting to know someone by trying to act in the "correct" gender-defined manner? I'm not saying that one way or the other is better. I'm just saying go with the "truth in advertising" concept. Pretty much anything you can do will be "wrong" to somebody, so you might as well do what is right to you. Be who you are from the start, and the people who stick around long enough for a relationship to happen will be the ones who are comfortable with the kind of relationship you're looking for. Yes, it probably is more complicated than it sounds. But, hey, what isn't?

    Bookmark   October 1, 2003 at 5:17PM
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