Advice Needed (LONG)

lindaraeAugust 1, 2008

Anyone can comment but I would especially like the mens point of view on this. Here is the situation, I thought I could make it short but no luck.

I've had a friend for about 4-5 years now and he's had the same girlfriend for 3-4 of the years I've known him. He and I met about six months before they did. When we first met we each liked someone else and had no interest in each other but we really clicked and became friends. Then we didn't see each other for about two months and thats when he met the new girl and they started dating. When the new semester started we had classes together again and when you saw me you saw him. We could talk on the phone for hours even though we just got through hanging out together. I started to like him and I believe he was into me too but since he was already dating the new girl ( I don't mess with a guy who has a girl) and I wasn't sure I wanted to change the friendship to a romantic one I always acted like I wasn't interested in him and would act like he was just joking when he would say or do something relationshipy with me. After a few months he told me he didn't think he wanted to be with her anymore and was going to break up with her. I encouraged him to try and work it out. Why? I was trying to do the right thing, didn't want it to seem like I was encouraging him just to have him for myself. If he did break up with her it wouldn't be because of anything I said it would be his own free will. So I encouraged him to try and fix the problems. They did and then six months later he said he was going to end it again. I was the same supportive friend telling him to work it out. ONLY if he really didn't think she could be the long hall girl should he end it. No since in leading her on just to hurt her more later. So they stayed together. At one point she really didn't like me because she thought there was something going on between us, I didn't know he was talking with me on the phone for hours when he was on a date with her. So I told him we couldn't talk to each other every day anymore. He didn't think there was anything wrong and didn't want to even got mad but did it anyway. We spoke to each other once every two months or so. After a year of this we started talking to each other more and eventually got back up to the everyday thing but I always made sure to ask if he was with her when I called and if he was I said I'd talk to him later since I knew he wouldn't tell me and just talk to me for hours. I didn't want her thinking I was trying to steal him away again. (little did she know I was the reason they were still together) I still liked him all this time. He still liked me too, I think, he seemed to anyway. All my associates thought we behaved like a married couple. We knew everything about each other, talked about anything and everything with each other, they thought it was wierd that we would even talk to each other while on the toilet ( why hang up and call back its only gonna take a minute anyway) He sent me a pic of him on the toilet one day when I texted him and asked him what he was doing. (waist up only) It was hilarious. No one else seems to think so but we became that close. He would text me to say when he was going to work, coming home, having lunch, taking a dump it didn't matter we talked all the time and about anything. So rewind to over a year ago we started adding stupid sex jokes to our conversations and a few months later (april last year) we ended up having sex it only happened the one time. It was a mistake I wasn't going to repeat. He wanted to repeat it and since then has continued to try and get that to happen. I finally just asked him if he was cheating on her with other women and he said no, I asked him why he wants to with me he says I just do. ...huh? I know he hasn't been cheating he works way too much and the rest of the time he's talking to me. Plus he's told me in the past when he was cheating.Of which she told him she didn't care she wasn't going to let him go.(she is ten years his senior him 30 her 40 and she looks it in another three years he's going to look like he's dating his mother.She is aging quickly) I finally just asked him if he loved her and he wouldn't answer me. I told him I thought that even though we weren't physically cheating that we were having an emotional affair. I read up about it on line it happens between friends sometimes we fit most of what they said about it. We couldn't go more than five days without talking to each other and five days was a strain. Finally after I pushed him the next day to answer me he told me yes. I asked him why he wouldn't answer me when I first asked him he told me he was undecided.....again huh? Iyour with someone for three years but you don't know if you love them. So I told him if that was the case we really needed to just not talk to each other so much and cut way back like we did before so he can be in his relationship without me being in the mix so to speak. Yeah again with the noble crap. Its who I am. So for the past month and a half we have only texted each other four times and they were very short, two responses tops about two min. instead of a 30 min long text session. This past week he has tried to text me more than once but I only respond with a smiley or something and won't actually talk to him or just not answer. Recently I have begun to think he is just playing me, trying to get me to have sex with him and have told him so. He denies it but won't say he has feelings for me. I haven't come right out and asked either, don't see the point when he has been with this woman now for three years, she got pregnant last sept. but had to abort do to a problem with the baby. He claims the pregnancy was an accident but I found it funny that in all the years he was in school they never got pregnant and then two months after he graduates she pops up prego and they move in together.Told him so too. He denies. If I hadn't threatened to end our friendship he would still be acting like he was interested in me and talking about sex. He knows I don't want kids. I'm 40 too but not rushing for a relationship or worrying about my clock ticking, not stressing the age, I guess it helps that I don't look it most people think I'm about 27 great genes! The jealous girl in me does wonder why he's with someone who looks like she's his mother. I keep her under wraps though. I'm really not one to toot my own horn but I'm very pretty.

I truly think we did start of as real friends but now I don't think he has any real interest in that anymore, now I think he just wants to have me on the side and stay with her. What is your take was he playing me from the begining? Or did I push him away by acting like I only wanted friendship in the beginning when their relationship was just begining and screw up the chance I had and now he is just taking revenge/advantage because he knows now that I do want more? Whats your take on everything?

I'm really about to just end the friendship all together. This is why I tried so hard to keep us as just friends and forget about that one mistake. You start getting groiny with a friend you always end up losing them. When we met I had no interest in having a best friend again since the one I had died on 911. Didn't want to feel like another girl was taking her place then we met and clicked and somehow it seemed ok because he wasn't a girl. Anyhow sorry so long but you kinda needed the back story.

Oh and by the way I'm not sitting around pining away for him I date and he knows this we have talked about the guys.



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Not sure what you want from this. Also not sure if you're getting it or not. Seems to me that after 4-5 years you would be clearer. With 40 years under your belt, It's hard for me to buy the dithering. If behavior speaks, I suspect it's just what you want it to be. Maybe it doesn't need a decision.

On the other hand, I doubt you would have written if you didn't have greater expectations. If so, I think those "expectations" are a bit tired by now.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2008 at 2:48PM
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Did you say you're 40?? Sounds like something a middle schooler would write. Sorry-no advice because I don't think you would like anything I would have to say. Good luck. Satine

    Bookmark   August 5, 2008 at 8:52AM
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I have always been kinda indecisive and a procrastonator. But I thought about what you said and maybe your right. There could be no decision necessary. His friendship is very important to me and although there are those other feelings there I still am not sure I want to switch over to a relationship.

Yup I'm forty don't feel it though feel like I'm in my twenties look it too maybe thats why. I've never sweated the age thing and have always just been me. I personally don't think forty is old at all. If you think about it you don't really start figuring out who you are until your done with college if you go and thats around the age of twenty-five and thats when you get out on your own and start living life. So overall I've got about fifteen years of being an adult give or take a few years. Didn't date until I was in my very late 20's and then not for many years so my experience with relationships is minimal. I hope I'm still looking and feeling as young as I do not when I'm eighty.

Feel free to say whatever you like I don't take it personal things like that is just the nature of the message boards. You post something expect to get all sorts of responses. Take the ones that you feel help you think about the issue and leave the rest.


    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 1:41AM
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"I'm really not one to toot my own horn...."

.......You and countless other 40/50 - types who insist that they look 10-13 years younger than they do, insist that you agree with them, become annoyed when you don't, and are sure they're not tooting their own horn.

Glad you're very pretty. Glad, glad, glad. Nice to have friends.

Please do check in when you're 50 (but only look 37) and tell us how the 15-year friendship is going.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 12:20PM
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A ten year update.... sure I can do that. I'm sure we will still be friends then no matter what were going through right now. All the craziness were going through now isn't worth letting a friendship go by the way side for. Things between us changed that happens sometimes, its just the natural laws of attraction at work. Grant it neither of us handled it/is handeling it well each for our own reasons but it will work itself out one way or another. I may threaten to end our friendship but thats not gonna happen. LOL were too well matched as friends and have already bonded (romantic craziness aside) I guess thats were all this procrastination and indecisiveness is coming from. Friendships this close and this good its a scary thing when it progresses to something romantic, you really don't want to mess with it. Romantic relationships can come and go but friends real true friends thats a lifetime.

You guys are really stirring me to self/relationship reflection. Thanks! :)

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 1:28PM
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Sounds like a very murky relationship with a lot of mixed messages being offered from both sides. No advice from me. I think you like things just as they are.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 10:04PM
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Sorry, but it sounds to me like you've been playing games with this guy for a long time. In my book, actions speak much louder than words. For both of you.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 12:32PM
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