kathy813August 30, 2008

What do you do when you are lonely? I work 34 hours a week and I'm fine at work but when I am home I get depressed. I find it hard to do even the simple tasks around the house. I don't want to go to sleep at night and don't want to get up in the morning. I'm on a very limited income so even going to the movies is extravagant to my budget. I use to enjoy going to yard sales but with gas so high I've had to re-think them.

Just read over what I wrote and I sound TERRIBLE!!! I just need to know your mindset when loneliness sets in. I had rather be by myself than be in He!! everyday with someone.

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Kathy, I have learned that the worst "lonely" there is, is being married and lonely. I was that for a very long time. I am still not sure if it was worth it. Financially it was, but emotionally, not sure about that. I get lonely and just a wee bit depressed, but the stress and frustration is not there since I haven't seen my steps since my husband passed away. I have learned to cope with the loneliness by reading, watching uplifting movies which you can pick up at good will stores, music and playing PC or Nintendo games. I am a nature lover so I feed the birds and check them off in a book when I see a new one. I wouldn't marry again for a million bucks, umm, have to rethink that one. LOL

    Bookmark   August 30, 2008 at 1:37PM
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I dont know. I am sitting here right now so bored and lonely that I could just cry. My DH passed away 2 weeks ago, and although it was not a perfect marriage (is there a perfect marriage?) I miss him so much. There are neighbors and his family just steps from my door, but I dont want to talk to them. My parents are nearby. What I am saying is that I am not necessarily alone, but lonely.

Like you, I could do housework/yardwork/etc, but I have no motivation. I will start a new job in a week, so that will help. Hope I can cope with all the stress.

Wish I had something great to tell you. Hope I can find something myself. Looking forward to getting back into church activities.

Also, I have joined a ladies only gym, and hope that will help some.


    Bookmark   August 30, 2008 at 6:43PM
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I don't have the exact same issues with the death of a spouse, but am still lonely.

I have family nearby, but enjoy my own place.

What if we all get online and chat sometime? MSN Messenger, Yahoo or something like that?

    Bookmark   August 30, 2008 at 8:43PM
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Losing someone is a different kind of lonely, that is why you don't make any rash decisions like selling a home and moving. it takes time to adjust to being alone and is much harder when you lose a spouse. It's two battles.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2008 at 2:07PM
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Kathy, what kind of environment are you in (city, country, etc.)? Have you ever looked into church groups (whether or not you're religious) or volunteer orgs to find some activities, if not instant best friends or men? Are there any classes you can join (good time of year to look for them)? You do sound 'clinically' depressed - not being able to get up or much else outside of work and you might consider trying medication (thru your MD of course) short term til you can feel well enough to explore some ways of being busy meeting new people. I know it's hard without money, but there are things you can do that don't cost much if anything, and may even lead to making more on the side. Don't give up!

    Bookmark   August 31, 2008 at 4:18PM
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I work at home alone and battle with the same issue. I have a daughter but she is 16 and often gone with friends or riding horses. I found that taking my laptop and working at an internet cafe solved some of the sense of isolation. Over a long period of being a regular I developed a group of friends.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2008 at 6:22PM
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Loneliness is something I can't relate to. There is so much living to do, and so little time to do it. I am very happy being with only me (I think I'm pretty good company, warts and all). Sure, I still want companionship and yes, sex too. But there are so many great people around me that I just can't feel lonely. I treasure my alone time.

I have small harbors within, where I can go and get in touch with myself. That isn't original, BTW, but happens to be the truth for me.

For you who have lost a spouse, I cannot identify and I wish I could. I dont' think anything can fill that void except time -- one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. My heart goes out to you.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2008 at 11:13PM
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Thanks for the kind words "sayhellonow". My husband suffered so much before he died, that his death didn't come as a shock like it does for most couples. I have gotten on with life and my periods of loneliness are when I travel. I would truly like to find a man to travel with, no serious relationship, but as a friend like we do with our female friends.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2008 at 11:26AM
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Stargazzer, so sad to know that about your DH. Mine was active and able to care for himself until about 2 months before he passed. We didnt know he had cancer until 48 hours before, so it was and still is a shock.

Sayhellonow, I am usually a content person. Thanks for being so understanding that this is a different kind of lonely.

Mimi, I am on yahoo messenger with the same name as here. Would love to chat sometime.

Hope everyone is having a better day.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2008 at 10:11PM
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Kathy, I think you sound pretty "normal" to me. But your post sounds just like what goes through my mind, even now. There are times when I don't feel that way, but when I do, it is just so hard to get it together. You do what you must do, to get by; the rest just doesn't get done, until you can. uuuuh, I'd invite you over, but now is one of those times, and I don't remember doing dishes today - LOL!!! No matter, they'll get done in the morning. I've learned to conquer these feelings by pacing myself until I'm better. The one thing you must remember - you need your rest and sleep. That will help you cope much better. I know that's hard to do - I went to bed at 4:00 yesterday morning!! You may want to check with your doctor for some tests as well - just to be sure that nothing is going on with thyroid, etc. Also, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE!!!

Best wishes. Email me if you want.

Anette - I am so sorry to hear about your loss. It probably does help when you know or expect it, but losing a spouse is a pretty heavy loss - under any circumstance. My thoughts and prayers go out for you.


    Bookmark   September 7, 2008 at 12:25AM
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I don't get lonely often, because I absolutely CHERISH my solitude! I've always been like that!

I have friends I can call or spend time with... and some I can call for physical affection too... I think that those things regularly keep me healthy emotionally. Well, far from healthy, but healthier than I would otherwise be.

If you don't have a pet, consider one. I know, it's a lot of work and expense (the OP mentioned being on a tight budget) but being lonely isn't fun. On the rare occasion that I do get lonely, I spend quality time with my cat and it just helps in ways I can't even explain.

I also do regular things to make feel normal. Watch old sitcoms, bake, play with the sewing machine, wash the car just for a distraction and to get me out of the apartment... even going to the grocery market can be a nice change of scenery. Or the mall... just to look if you are low on funds. Just being around other people can help you not feel so alone... unless you see couples or something... that may make it worse.

If I feel lonely, I go grocery shopping at Wal-mart instead of the other local stores. By the time I fight my way through the parking lot, choke my way through the smokers by the entrance, ram through the herds of people stopped in the middle of the aisles, and wait 45 minutes to in the line to pay for one carton of eggs and a gallon of milk and I'm ready to race back to my apartment, lock the door, jump under the covers, and wallow in my solitude!

    Bookmark   September 20, 2008 at 1:18PM
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Kathy, I lost my husband over 3 years ago to cancer. Wonderful life we had together but knew it was coming and we moved to South Carolina from New York City. No family or friends and then I was put on oxygen for COPD. I just turned 65 and although I sure miss my husband, I would rather be alone but am sometimes afraid incase something happens but thats a whole different thing.

Suggestions I can give...

My cats sure do help....place to give and get loving feelings.

Do some of your computer work at the library and take out only 1 book to read so you have to go back with it for another.

Write handwritten letter instead of email some of the time.

Take up knitting or crochet. Check out if there is a store giving instructions...usually free with hope you will buy yarn.

See if there is a community center....many times there are free things there too or at least very low price.

Start a journal...but only write 5 things each day that were good things for you. It can be hard to do at times but seeing a bird or eating a candy bar or taking a walk in the neighborhood would help.

I sure would like to do that chat room that is mentioned ...I have windows messenger but not sure how to get chatting. Hope this helps some.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2008 at 2:09PM
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I just returned from a 6 day bus tour and have confirmed my thinking that being alone is better. I thought my neighbor's relationship with her boyfriend was perfect or as perfect as one can get. He kept his home and she has hers and they go home at night. They were on this trip with me and when she found out I used to skate when I was younger she said her friend did also. His name clicked and when I got home I called my sis and ask her about "John Doe". Her reply was "yes, I had dinner with him a couple of months ago". He talked extensively about his girl friends. LOL My friend thinks she is in an exclusive relationship with him and I won't tell her what I have learned, unless she decides to marry him, which she has said she will never do again. I very much like being single and a little lonely.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2008 at 3:51PM
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hi i lost my husband 2 months ago.we had 2 years of marriege and was staying away from family due to job.now when he is not there and i have to stay away from family due to job i feel lonely.i dont feel like meeting people or go for movie or party.it all seems useless now without him.but lonliness kills me.yesterday only one of my friend suggested me to do a course of vipassana which is conducted in various countries by art of living.i m planning to go for one scheduled next year in feb.you can also try.hope it can help.i m hoping same for myself.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2010 at 9:55PM
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sorry forgot to tell you this course of vipassana at art of living is free of cost.you can find it on google.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2010 at 8:54AM
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I will tell you what I do when I am lonely. I have a good cry, cuz sometimes you just need to get it out of your system, then I go do something to alleviate the situation. FIND something to do with other people. You can't just wait for someone to walk up to you and say "let's be friends". You have to take a proactive approach. Try meetup.com to find a group of people in your area who do things you like to do: hiking, ball room dancing, yoga --- whatever. Find a worthy place to do some volunteering with a group of people, join a team of people doing something at church, take a class at the local tech school/community college. If you look, there are many things to do that will get you out of your rut and meet new people.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2010 at 12:27AM
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It sounds like all you ladies need a out of the house hobby, a few of you have depression and for the ones whove had losses Im truly sorry you have a right to your loneliness and its how some people mourn. the ones with the lack of motivation days..go to the dr! its normal to have ups and downs but you are more than lonely and are not content with self maybe hormone imbalance or you need anti depressant.A forum might cheer you up for a few minutes but the dr can give you a long term solution.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2010 at 12:18AM
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I know this is an old post, but some can relate to loneliness. I rarely have the problem, but have had it in the past when I was single.

Developing hobbies definitely helps. Or if you are on a budget, going to the park to exercise might be a good way to possibly meet people. If you live in a big city, you can find like-minded people to meet up with time to time, say book clubs or arts and crafts, or volunteering if it interests you? Or how about joining a church, or attending Lions Club or even, Toastmasters to improve public speaking. Just use your imagination regarding your own interests. Good luck!

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 3:22PM
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Toastmasters -- a wonderful organization! Also, since this site is primarily a gardening site, I heartily recommend the garden clubs: American Rose Society (ARS), American Hemerocallis Society (AHS), and the more generic ones. In my area there are some community gardens where they are always looking for volunteers.

I'm glad you mentioned book clubs. I found a newly-formed book club for mysteries, which I really enjoy. I never have enough time to read -- ever, ever, ever.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2011 at 4:58PM
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