Alienated in love

perchiperAugust 13, 2010

I came from a semi-modern family. My 'Dad' is what people call a hard man, although he called himself quite lenient and more flexible than others, much better compare to his own abusive dad (ie: my now gran dad - who start to lose it little by little). In contrary he get violent when he drunk.

At the outside, he seems calm, but when one person start disagreeing with him (even when that person try to explain his/her point of view politely without forcing anything), he start to curse, get violent and talk crassly (it is unsightly, hurtful, and accusing things that's not right). In short, he acts like a king. He wants to be respected, but he can't respect others; except those who's in higher position than him (eg: priest, rich people etc etc...)

I'm 22 years old, and our current economic situation isn't helping. Things started to get worse when he has been having difficulties in his recently 'I'm suppose to get rich' antiques and property investment. Our family company bears the brunt force of this debt, since he can't really pay for it. There's so many factors and story behind it. In the end, his violent habit resurface when he sober. His 'King' attitude and hurtful behavior affect us all, and worsen.

I live in third world country, where eastern tradition is strongly held. My two years experience studying abroad taught me many thing to see the world (and people's heart and ways) in so many colors. I was not able to continue my study overseas due to pressure and stress from family. I'm not really a social person, I'm a first child. I was an obedient child and I'm a late rebel in my age. Thing is, I didn't regret my journey to study abroad. The more I remember about it, the more appreciation I felt to it. I feel like it was the first time I could see and thought things clearly.

I can't really talk to Mom or my little brother, although they want me to talk to them. Then when I get a little emotional, they refuse to hear further; although when they get emotional, I kept listen and try not to mind it. Sometimes I regret it. Like, 'Why can't I be calmer when I get emotional?' And other times it was like when Mom says, 'You can't get angry.' I mean, what the heck? So they can be emotional and get with it and I can't? People set limitation in their lives, there are things they can and cannot accept. So when I cannot accept it and be forced to accept it, then I still can't. I can be patient only so far. So forgive me when sometimes I can't hold it anymore. I felt like a time bomb. Mom said to me five years ago that even my therapist (sometimes she likes to bring us, to understand 'things' she can't. Like our future's career option, talents, and even teenagers' behaviors) said that I'm a bit unstable - ahem.... a little crazy, perhaps? I mean...., heck, what kind of parents that talk about their confidential conversation with 'my' therapist with me? Furthermore, she likes to remind me that there is crazy gene in my blood that came from my dad's mom. So he suppose to have it, then me.

Well..., excuse me. Even I cannot find a word to explain that.

I feels like I'm crammed in this one tiny little box. My apologies for ranting, but I cannot explain it with better, more polite words. I think I just poured one per thousand of my problem in here. I don't know what to do. I feel like people expect the best from me. And life's just seems dandy and fine around here.

People have problems, and I know that. But one thing that a stranger taught me is that, just because some people can say 'fuss it, join the club', doesn't mean you're able to do that. People have ways to deal, and so do I.

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Well, that's all very interesting.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2010 at 3:51PM
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Just one thing - I think the therapist probably asked your family about you so she could learn more, in order to help you. It's one thing for you to have told the therapist what you feel, but another for someone else (who knows you well and cares about you) to give a different point of view. After all, if someone (therapist) is to help you, they need all the information possible, and it's done all the time (to ask other family members about the patient).

    Bookmark   August 15, 2010 at 2:04PM
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@ larke. It is one thing that my therapist discuss it with my mom. Though, does she have to talk about her conversation (with my therapist) with me? I mean, isn't it confidential?

"You aren't quite right (in the state of mind)" was what I recall the word used by therapist that again my mom told me. I admit, I'm a bit mad about it, and confused of they way she put it just like that. Furthermore, I know my mom. Sometimes she has this habit of exaggerating thing with an ounce of truth behind it.

I think I have a lot of issues...

    Bookmark   August 16, 2010 at 12:32AM
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"I think I have a lot of issues..."

One of which is figuring out what "Alienated in love" heading and the rest of your post have to do with The Single Life.

    Bookmark   August 16, 2010 at 2:27PM
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@ asolo, "the rest of your post have to do with The Single Life." I read other post briefly in The Single Life. I figured that single life involve anything that can happen while we are alone without partner in our life. It isn't just an ex-husband, or an ex-wife (who have divorce and thus, they become single again), but also those who isn't involved in relationship (being girl/boyfriend - and thus off the market, engaged, married...), and even isn't planning to be involved in relationship...

I apologize if my words and the content of my writing confuse you.

If there's one thing that caught my interest like a fire works, it is the quote at the top page of this forum:

"You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose."

Through experiencing many things and meeting different people...

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 5:57AM
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Rock on.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2010 at 9:37AM
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