Alienated in love
I came from a semi-modern family. My 'Dad' is what people call a hard man, although he called himself quite lenient and more flexible than others, much better compare to his own abusive dad (ie: my now gran dad - who start to lose it little by little). In contrary he get violent when he drunk.
At the outside, he seems calm, but when one person start disagreeing with him (even when that person try to explain his/her point of view politely without forcing anything), he start to curse, get violent and talk crassly (it is unsightly, hurtful, and accusing things that's not right). In short, he acts like a king. He wants to be respected, but he can't respect others; except those who's in higher position than him (eg: priest, rich people etc etc...)
I'm 22 years old, and our current economic situation isn't helping. Things started to get worse when he has been having difficulties in his recently 'I'm suppose to get rich' antiques and property investment. Our family company bears the brunt force of this debt, since he can't really pay for it. There's so many factors and story behind it. In the end, his violent habit resurface when he sober. His 'King' attitude and hurtful behavior affect us all, and worsen.
I live in third world country, where eastern tradition is strongly held. My two years experience studying abroad taught me many thing to see the world (and people's heart and ways) in so many colors. I was not able to continue my study overseas due to pressure and stress from family. I'm not really a social person, I'm a first child. I was an obedient child and I'm a late rebel in my age. Thing is, I didn't regret my journey to study abroad. The more I remember about it, the more appreciation I felt to it. I feel like it was the first time I could see and thought things clearly.
I can't really talk to Mom or my little brother, although they want me to talk to them. Then when I get a little emotional, they refuse to hear further; although when they get emotional, I kept listen and try not to mind it. Sometimes I regret it. Like, 'Why can't I be calmer when I get emotional?' And other times it was like when Mom says, 'You can't get angry.' I mean, what the heck? So they can be emotional and get with it and I can't? People set limitation in their lives, there are things they can and cannot accept. So when I cannot accept it and be forced to accept it, then I still can't. I can be patient only so far. So forgive me when sometimes I can't hold it anymore. I felt like a time bomb. Mom said to me five years ago that even my therapist (sometimes she likes to bring us, to understand 'things' she can't. Like our future's career option, talents, and even teenagers' behaviors) said that I'm a bit unstable - ahem.... a little crazy, perhaps? I mean...., heck, what kind of parents that talk about their confidential conversation with 'my' therapist with me? Furthermore, she likes to remind me that there is crazy gene in my blood that came from my dad's mom. So he suppose to have it, then me.
Well..., excuse me. Even I cannot find a word to explain that.
I feels like I'm crammed in this one tiny little box. My apologies for ranting, but I cannot explain it with better, more polite words. I think I just poured one per thousand of my problem in here. I don't know what to do. I feel like people expect the best from me. And life's just seems dandy and fine around here.
People have problems, and I know that. But one thing that a stranger taught me is that, just because some people can say 'fuss it, join the club', doesn't mean you're able to do that. People have ways to deal, and so do I.