Too long & I apologize, but would like your thoughts

sayhellonowAugust 25, 2008

OK, so here I am thinking I shoulda listened more carefully to you, Asolo, back in April. My man of four-plus years and I have apparently broken it off for good after many breakups and makeups. Some of you may remember that the problem was his "explosions" over really petty things, then saying that somehow I caused them. I kept forgiving him and trying to help him save face. My reason: No one is perfect. And when you go from one relationship to another, you just trade one set of issues for another set of issues. So I hung in there. I also happen to love the man. Bill (not his name) has many wonderful qualities. So now I'd like your take on somthing I'm considering (none of the names in this story are real):

Martin, one of Bill's patients of 25 years died last week and the funeral was Saturday. Martin had also been a close friend of Bill's parents, so of course Bill intended to go to the funeral. Here's the catch: Martin's son is married to Bill's daughter Mary, who hasn't spoken to her father for 14 years because, after putting her and her husband through college and giving them $30,000 for a down payment on a house, they asked for a lot more money and he refused them. So Saturday morning, Bill got a phone call from Mary telling her father not to go to the funeral, insinuating he was not wanted there. It hurt Bill deeply and I did everything I could to console him.

On the next day, Sunday, I asked Bill to go to a farewell party of a very close relative who is going away to Brazil. He refused, but said, "Give him some money" and handed the money to me. Bill has consistently refused to take part in my family's get-togethers over the four years except for two Christmas mornings. It's like it's just too much of a bother to him. This hurts me because my family is very close. So when he handed me the money, I gave it back and said, "If you want to give Terry money, you can mail it to him. I'm not going to tell my family that you wouldn't participate with us again." Then I told him I had tried to be supportive of him with his family, but he had hurt me regarding mine. His response was, "Then maybe we should go our separate ways." I think he's right, but I want to give him some perspective on what he's done because every time we break up he comes back to me asking that we try again.

My thought is that I will send him a note saying this:

Your family: "We want more money." You refuse and they don't speak to you for 14 years except to say now, "Don't come. We don't want you here."

My family: "Come join us. We want you here."

Your response: No, but here's some money." It was a lose-lose decision, but it was your choice.

Please understand that I do still love this man but don't want him back because it's just never going to work. Time and friends and family will help me get over it. But do you think it wise to send him that note? I admit that it's a bit of a get-even tactic, but I also want to put it into perspective - in writing - so that he will know that I realize exactly what has happened. I expect him to try and get back together with me, and I just don't want to even though I'm hurting a lot.

I'm sorry this is so long, but there are a lot of good heads here and, even though I may not take your advice, I'd sure like to hear it. I may not be as objective as you.

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The more you look for ways to stay connected to Bill, the more you set yourself up for more problems, whatever your honest and true feelings are about wanting him back or not. You are fooling yourself about things and if you really don't want him back and know it's a destructive relationship, then stop giving mixed messages, stop figuring out ways to communicate, and do make serious efforts to have a new life, men or not.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 6:33AM
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Thank you, Lucy. This morning I'm feeling more angry than hurt, although I think that hurt is anger-based. I'm not a psychologist by any means. I appreciate your perspective.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 9:59AM
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When it's over, it's over. Once the decision is made, do it as quickly and cleanly as you can. No notes; no diatribes; no "last points" to be scored; none of that. He has nothing to teach you, nor you him. If you've decided, just get it done and move on. The competition is over. Shelve the anger and do what needs to be done.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 12:35PM
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All I have to say is be strong - and good luck.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 6:46PM
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Asolo, once again you're on target and I appreciate the reminders.

Kay: Thanks ever so much. The staying strong is a bit difficult. In many ways I feel as though I know how it feels to have lost someone to death - only it doesn't seem to have the same finality because he is still around.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 10:16PM
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