Has it come to this?

centralcacyclistAugust 8, 2004

It seems that the only way couples are connecting these days is via internet match making sites. Am I horribly old fashioned? I am still not comfortable with this method of meeting. I have tried writing a profile for myself and I sound idiotic, desparate, fogey, dull, trite--take your pick! I end up deleting all of it. Do people hire profile writers?

What happened to all the old tried and true ways to meet people?


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I guess I am confused. Why do you want to write a single ad? A person who in other forums is married with a husband allergic to mushrooms and looking for salt free recipes?

Married persons are welcome here, and we welcome any advice. To come here and deceive, for your own entertainment?

    Bookmark   August 8, 2004 at 5:38PM
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No, you're not horribly old fashioned, BarnMom. You're smart and cautious. Lots of the stuff people put out there about themselves isn't true and it's definitely only part of the picture. One time I was surfing the ads (when my soul was crying for contact, as bunnyman says) and found a listing for a local man very well known in our psychiatric network. He was quite a disturbed person, and his profile painted him much differently than how he really was.

It's so easy to omit pertinent details that wouldn't go unnoticed in a face-to-face meeting when one uses the internet. Other things can't possibly surface, such as what they're spontaneously like when they don't have the luxury of editing their comments or behaviors. I briefly corresponded with a guy that seemed decent and courteous in emails, but when I met him he didn't listen to a word I said and behaved much differently than he had proclaimed in his letters. Internet example: "Take your time, Marilou. No pressure here." Real life: "Pleeeeeze won't you change your mind, pleeeeeeze!" and other assorted comments that amounted to begging. Ugh!

If there are tried and true ways to meet people, please share them with us! (My experience has been trying but no true.)

    Bookmark   August 8, 2004 at 6:54PM
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My oh my, how quickly one can be judged! I have been separated from my extremely ill estranged husband for nearly 6 years. He is devoutly Catholic and we do not plan to divorce. We do have a friendly relationship forged over the past few years of raising children together. I cook meals for him as he is unable to prepare proper and healthy meals for himself. I also do his laundry to save him from gasping for air hauling a basket around. I do not have a romantic relationship with him and do not plan to resume one. He is a good father even if he was never a very good husband. I treat him as I would treat a good friend of long acquaintance. Not every marriage that goes sour has to acrimonious to the bitter end.

I would like to meet another man eventually and since it has been nearly 20 years since I had any kind of date with anyone other than my husband, I am just curious how other people go about this process. I don't care if my situation fits or does not fit other peoples' notions of an ideal life. It is odd but it seems to work for all of us. The kids are happy, straight A students with lots of friends. I, however, am the one who is suffering. I need to have a little more fun!


    Bookmark   August 8, 2004 at 9:59PM
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I would like to pretend that I was wiser than you, BarnMom, but in truth I am just less honest. I married years ago when my girls left home. We both realized almost immediatey that it was a mistake and parted amicably. A couple of monthes after we separated, he was diagnosed with leukemia. I helped him through the initial phases of the disease, later through chemo, and most recently, back surgery. He is also a diabetic and has had other problems due to the chemotherapy. I bought my webtv to research his medical issues.

We have no children. I hate him more with each passing year. I have too much self respect (and I would not embarrass him) to find comfort in the small town where we both live. I am financially self sufficient. He has a good job, health insurance, two vehicles and a motorcycle. It is hard. He thinks nothing of asking me for help with his medical problems, which generally means that I am without a paycheck for the duration.

so I am coming out of the closet ~smile~. I am bitter about the years I have lost. When I do meet someone (which is rare and has so far went nowhere), there is always the issue of when to explain my situation.

am I single? I certainly feel single except that I had a lot more fun in the 20 something years that I was truly single before I married.

And, without being rude, I am not really interested in what you all think about my situation. I made a commitment, for better or worse. Who imagines, in those giddy moments, what the "worse' might entail?

will I hit submit? or remain as I am perceived?


    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 8:37AM
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Family members that are caregivers for the sick have *got* to take care of themselves, no doubt about it. It must be highly stressful and lonely at times... so few other people exist that are in the same boat that it surely can be isolating at times. Even if others in like circumstances are out there, the question then arises of *when* one can take time away from the situation to connect with others.

That said, I don't want to hijack the thread further. The original post raises a good question. All these match-making internet sites don't exist without a demand, right? I don't think you're the only one frustrated with the dwindling of old fashioned ways of meeting, BarnMom, or people wouldn't be using internet dating like they are.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 1:52PM
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I don't have any notions of finding a soul mate or true love. The "when" is an issue as I am in demand 24/7 while here. I do work out of town several days per week. It is my respite time even though while there I put in 10-12 hours days. It's still way more relaxing than being at home where home life is both emotionally stressful and physically demanding. My kids are teenagers and can make the odd meal under duress. Their dad takes care of driving them around. I cook ahead and leave meals prepped so they are eating healthy food and not ordering pizza the whole time I'm away. From the time I get back I am on a dead run getting ready to be gone the following week: cleaning house, shopping, cooking, doing laundry. I think a bit of pleasant conversation with a nice other is well deserved. Otherwise my whole life is one of servitude and drudgery.

I suspect that JC and I aren't in particularly unique circumstances. I don't plan to take up table-dancing in a fringed halter top. I just want a nice dinner out or a movie date once in while. Heck, I'll treat!


    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 2:10PM
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Several of my friends (and family) have tried internet dating and the likes. None have found any lasting Romantic relationships by these means. I haven't done either, but have written several introductions, "just in case" ... I don't think any sound too idiotic, but they do sound so much like all the rest. I notice that a lot. I used to browse match-dot-com and noticed that overall (men, women, old, young), they all sound about the same. Weird.

None of us in my gang seem to know of any tried & true ways of meeting/dating. Thus, the internet & speed dating appear to be just another alternative tool ...


    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 4:48PM
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I think it's simply another way in a long list of ways of meeting people and as such, should not be totally discounted. I think the guy you meet at the produce market or on a group kayaking trip or at the health club is every bit as capable of being perfectly nice or a liar or a felon as someone you meet any other way including on line or via speed dating. I don't think all of the Internet matchmaking sites are alike. I've known just as many people who have found people to date this way as in real life. I've known just as many whose relationships haven't worked out as in real life. I think expectations have to be tempered. Internet relationships often become intense prematurely and serious quickly, which isn't always the best thing. The important thing is to be as cautious as you would be about meeting any new person and take plenty of time to get to know them before getting seriously involved.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2004 at 5:39PM
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I know a number of couples who have met via the internet and have now been married for five or ten years. I agree with Retroactive - it's just another way to meet.

I've met a few nice men this way. I used an alternate e-mail address, referred only generally to where I live, i.e., "near Boston" and gave out a phone number I use for anyone other than friends. (It's just one of those alternate ring things, costs $2.00 per month, or so.)

When we meet, I suggest a public place that's at least 20 minutes from my house, and come in my own car.

By the way, these are the same sorts of precautions I take when meeting men any other way. It's only sensible.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2004 at 6:16PM
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Okay, it doesn't seem much different than other ways. I guess I am an old gal who used to read the person ads years ago and think "what a bunch of strange losers!" Seems like back then the ads were often people looking for spouse swappers and threesomes.

I'm not ready to think about this too deeply yet, but when I am, I'll let you all know how it goes!


    Bookmark   August 10, 2004 at 9:46PM
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And if you are not free, as in divorced, a difference is, brownstoetoo! You are not different in scenery ...

    Bookmark   August 10, 2004 at 10:29PM
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It seems to me that we have to answer the question, "what do you really want" before we can know where to look for someone. Can't find oranges in an apple orchard. You may be surrounded by suitable fruit but if it is not to your taste then it does little good.

The Internet is not a place to meet people it is a medium not so different from a phone or letter. If I ever meet someone special it will probably be on the Internet. I tend to meet people who are very much like myself and I like that. Only people much like myself will gather in these places I choose to check out. Consider the diversity of society compared to the Gardenweb site. We already share more in common then most people we might meet elsewhere.

*hic*... yes I'm drinking why do you ask?...

: )

    Bookmark   August 11, 2004 at 5:40AM
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Well, I've tried the internet thing and so far, no luck. I send them my picture and they never e-mail back. Or they e-mail one or two lines and never e-mail back even before I send them a picture. One guy I talked to on the phone but he never contacted me again. Then yesterday I got matched up with my ex!! Talk about scary! LOL! I knew he had been on that site, found him while doing a search...but it was shocking to have them send me his picture and profile! I have cancelled a couple of them and am about to give up totally on the internet thing. I only have the other two open only because I can't get my money back and they haven't run out.

I have no idea where else to meet men, especially ones my age who are single.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2004 at 9:33PM
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There was a good letter to Dear Abby awhile back that said a good place to find good, single, educated, and successful men is in local civic groups and chambers of commerce. The writer said his office was losing good female help to single guys that are part of these groups.

I haven't had a chance to check it out but it made sense. :-)

    Bookmark   August 17, 2004 at 1:31PM
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