Is it time to end this relationship???

bookworm_2007July 24, 2008

Ok...I have posted on other forums on gardenweb before about my relationship situation.

I'm 32, divorced with an estranged 10 year old daughter. I have been in a relationship with someone for 3 years now. We lived together for 2 years and we were engaged to be married and now we are living apart and see each other a couple of times a month. He became a full-time stepdad last year to his twins who are 7 years old. I could not handle the change that taking on the twins created between him and I so I moved into an apartment by myself.

My problem is...I don't know if I should just let go of what is left of our relationship or try to build it back up. I know that I will never be comfortable with being a full-time step-mom to his children. I went into the relationship not knowing that their mother was going to give them up the way she has. Also...the other issues revolve around money. My ex-fiance lied about money on a couple of occassions and had a porn problem that he also lied about. We are 3 years into this relationship and by now I saw us married, buying a home and maybe even having a child together. As I said I live alone now and he lives with his kids. We speak on the phone everyday and he comes over every other weekend to stay with me. He claims that he still loves me and wants to still get married one day. Part of me wants to believe that our relationship can turn around and get better but then part of me doesn't know if I want to risk trying for the fear of being hurt and wasting my time. I have already put 3 years into this-don't want to put more if it isn't worth it. He isn't all times he is caring and concerned but when it comes to why I can't be a step-mom to his kids etc he gets upset and pulls away. I have reasons that I can't handle his kids...1# I have major problems with mine. She has cut me out of her life because I divorced her dad. The pain and hurt that it has caused me has taken a toll on me for the past 4 years now. I can't play mommy to someone else's children. My heart won't let me do it because I miss my own child so much. Plus his children are hard to handle-boy and girl twins-7 yrs old. I am not trying to be selfish about it that is why I moved out to live on my own because he needs to not feel like he is always picking between me and them. They come first and he needs to be with them. He keeps hanging on though hoping that things will get better and I don't know if I will be truly happy if I were to marry him.

I don't know what to do anymore!!

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"I don't know what to do anymore!!"

Yes you do. You have all the information you need. You're simply grieving in advance of a painful decision you know has to be made. Sure it hurts. But there's nowhere to go with this. If you want a man in your life, I would suggest looking elsewhere. I would suggest beginning today. You've already dragged it out a bit. What's the point?

    Bookmark   July 24, 2008 at 5:39PM
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You posted here back in March, with 40+ replies back then...

bookworm_2007 ( on Wed, Mar 26, 08 at 8:48

I was engaged up until recently. We had been together for almost 3 years and I thought up until about a year ago that we were soulmates. Everything seemed perfect. He has 6 yr twins from a previous marriage and in the beginning got them every other weekend. Soon though his ex-wife started keeping the kids from him demanding more money in addition to the child support she is already getting from him. He had to go to court last year and then he started getting them again every other weekend.

Things started changing between him and I. He spent lots of time doing other activities away from home, playing with his sports car, mountain bike racing and photography. I felt like I was home alone a lot and then on the weekends that he would get his kids he wanted us to all spend time together and would say his feelings were hurt if I decided to go visit a friend while his kids where at the house.

So...a couple of months went by and then I get a phone call from him telling me that his ex-wife is on the run from the law and that he now has the kids full time. I felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks in my lap. We were already having issues in our relationship and things were real rocky between I started worrying how much more things were going to change with having 6 yr twins move in. The children stressed me out as bad as that is to say. There was always a problem and someone was whinning and crying about something. I know that kids will be kids but I felt like he became such a softy because he felt bad about their situation and what their mother had done. I saw them walk all over him frequently and it drove me crazy. I felt like an outsider because they weren't my kids so I couldn't really say anything. I felt weird in my home and now instead of them being there twice a was everyday.

So...after about a month I told my now ex-fiance that I couldn't do it anymore. I was getting to the point where I was so stressed that my hands would shake. He moved out with the kids and that has been about a month ago. Even though I asked him to leave I am struggling with missing him. I think though I am missing the person that I thought I knew. There has been some stumbling blocks along the way besides the issues with the twins. He lied about some financial problems, I thought he was divorced when we met and turned out he was still married and he waited almost a year to tell me. He became hooked on porn and lied to me about it when I confronted him. The main reason that it upset me is because I felt like how could he push me to the side and be gone all the time but he makes time to look at porn when I am not around. If he had just made time for me and treated me like he still loved me then I think we could have got through some of our problems. In the beginning he was so into our relationship, the sweetest and kindest man I had ever known and I thought I really found a great guy. I look at him now and feel like I lost that person and don't know what went wrong.

We still talk now everyday and I see him once in a while. I am getting to the point though where I think I need to end things totally and can't seem to let go. Part of me wants to hear his voice on the phone and part of me never wants to hear it again. I have to figure out what to do from here because I can't keep hanging on to that last little thread of what is left of us. I just don't know how to let go???????

    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 11:01AM
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Oh...that one.

Well then, you've actually dragged it out quite a lot, haven't you? Don't you think it's about time to get off of this pot? Four months since that post and you're back whining about this practically self-making decision?

Get up and go, girl! Life's a-wasting while you dither.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 12:20PM
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He became a full-time stepdad to his twins? I don't understand. STEPdad? Who's children are they?

Maybe that doesn't matter, based upon other people's responses. Are you trying to hang on to something that's not there?

    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 5:02PM
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you know what they say....poop or get off the pot!

this story has been going on way too long, and you got a lot of attention from the original post with great advice.

it's apparent you have no self esteem left, but if you have any self respect left, you need to get the heck out of this dysfunctional relationship and move on. and you also need to heal properly from this becasue if you dont, you'll only attract more of this kind of relationship. What you need is to grow and learn from your experiences. You've wasted too much precious time, YOUR precious time.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2008 at 5:25PM
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Ok, maybe this has nothing to do with it... but how do you become "divorced with an estranged 10 year old daughter?" It sounds like she was 6 when she wrote you off because she was mad you divorced her father???

I'm not understanding how a kid that young has any say in your love life or can become estranged from you. Maybe you should focus on trying to repair the relationship with your daughter. It's seems to be causing problems... not being able to deal with or have a relationship with anyone with children (becasue you miss yours too much) is probably just going to follow you around and haunt you.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2008 at 11:21PM
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You have all the information you need. You're simply grieving in advance of a painful decision you know has to be made. Sure it hurts. But there's nowhere to go with this. If you want a man in your life, I would suggest looking elsewhere.

[url=] Relationship A to Z [/url]

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 2:30PM
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Please don't use my opinions to promote your own spam.

If you want to say something, say it. Otherwise, pack up.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2008 at 5:02PM
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Thank you for the advice from everyone. I have come to terms with what I need to do and that is not to worry about a relationship with anyone at all right now.

To answer carla35-I left my daughter's father 4 years ago and we divorced about 2 years ago. Basically it was a very nasty divorce and my daughter was caught in the middle...not by my choice. She has never been the same since and pushes me away. I am seeking help because emotionally I am a wreck and getting through each day is tough for me. Not having her is killing me inside and I can't focus on anything at, family, friends...nothing. I have flashbacks everyday of the last time I saw her, the last time I tucked her in at night, read to her, washed her clothes (as crazy as that may sound) and then I fall apart. Crying at the car...watching tv...I can't seem to control it anymore. I have done good for 4 years at trying to be strong and I have been pushing for my daughter to come around but now it's different for some reason. It is almost like I woke up one day and realized my daughter really is gone from my life. You know how when something traumatic happens you try to deal with it by pushing it to the back of your mind and put on a happy face...I think that is what I have done. 4 years of doing that is catching up with me. I have been telling myself and everyone around me that it will be ok..things will get better just wait and see...and things are worse now than ever before. I will keep fighting for my daughter and it may end up being another battle in court again. Which is what I have been trying to avoid due to her father being so revengeful. I constantly worry that if I make him mad he will take it out on her because I truely believe that is why she pushes me away now....she knows that I anger her dad so it is easier for her to shut me out so she won't have to deal with him. I need to focus everything I have on fixing my relationship with my daughter and I am giving up on love relationships. I can't be a good wife or step-mom to anyone with all this going on in my life anyway.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2008 at 12:19PM
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Hi, as a newbie to this forum, maybe I have a more immediate response to this drama, and what I think is that you need to do two things, the first of which is to get yourself to a therapist to work out your feelings about everyone. The second is to take your ex to court and sue for alienation of affection (from your daughter), as it's obvious he's worked on her to look at you as the bad guy in the split, plus why haven't you pursued some form of at least part time custody, because your daughter doesn't like the idea of it? How are you ever going to build back a relationship with her if she never gets to see you?

    Bookmark   August 25, 2008 at 6:28AM
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