stopped dating?!

gabrielesgardenJune 23, 2006

I think i've basically stopped dating. I have no desire to date. what is wrong with me? i'm not unattractive, infact i've been told i'm pretty, my figure is that of a 45 year old, (which I am)135 lbs with a pooch in the mid section. but i just dont want to go out and "meet" new guys. I feel totally inadequate (can't spell either!)in that my conversation skills are not real good. i hate politics and sports, two things men seem to love! so now what? I do enjoy myself but i think i might want to be in a relationship at some point again, but i'm so set in my ways and have such a low tollerance for things. Like snoring, can't sleep with a man, so what do I do if I had a guy I wanted to date, and stared dating, what happens when we start having sex and he wants to spend the night, send him to the spare room in the basement? How many guys will go for that?! I have issues!

Guys, what's your feed back on this?

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If I heard it at a cocktail party, I'd quietly back away. However, since you've asked directly, I'll answer you directly.

Typical 45-year-old guys have had all the unresolved-issues-women in their lives they want. I find it hard to envision one of them volunteering to pick up the basket of problems you've presented here. I think you're wise to refrain from dating at this point.

Relationships develop one discovery at-a-time. Between your own issues and your in-advance judgement/predictions of future males that may find you attractive, it seems to me there's little sense in troubling yourself or anyone else with dating right now.

Basically you've told me everything I need to know to avoid you. Surely you have other attributes beyond being "pretty"?

"Inadequate"? We all feel that way when we're attracted to someone.

Nice people are all around. Shape up, get happy with your life and you'll find they pass by you dozens of times every day. They'll always be there. I see no reason to avoid them entirely. However, you certainly have the freedom to do so if you wish.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 12:20PM
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Perfect, Asolo.

Gabriel, I have had more than my share of women that snore, and keep me awake. I fully understand there is no fault on their part, and it is a fact of humans just sleeping. I don't look at them as being deficient in any manner, they snore...and that is that. It is uncomfortable to suggest seperate sleeping arrangments, but, "everyone" is entitled to a night's rest. I try to impress upon partners that both of us rested and happy, is going to do more for the relationship than being disgruntled about not sharing the same bed. It is a difficult tradition to negotiate....but does not define what a couple constitutes. The important thing is that there is willingness to compromise from a logical standpoint. If you asked me to sleep in another room cause of my snoring, I would probably welcome it. I am a light sleeper, and any help I get in the shut-eye deparment is appreciated. Learn to be diplomatic and a fair may find rewards.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 4:33PM
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I don't like sports, (er...I don't idolize anything), nor do I particularly care for politics, ( I prefer to screw up my own life).

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 4:40PM
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Thanks for the mention of sports and politics. I don't much care for sports and I'm an ex-jock. Most of my male friends don't either. Actually a number of my female friends do like sports. I know its common, but it is far from universal. Same with politics. IMHO larding friendly banter with a topics the listener obviously doesn't care for is simply inconsiderate. Finding common ground - or lack thereof - is what we do when mingling with new people and when dating new people. Its one way all of us choose our friends. Stereotyping our acquaintances and/or dates in advance is an error.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 5:57PM
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It seems to be just a part of life for dating to taper off a bit after about age 45 or so. Most people are paired off or, if not, achieving some level of comfort with a single life. It's easy to become set in your ways but I like to believe I'm still fairly flexible. Overall, I just don't worry about it any more, though.

And re: snoring, it might be a good idea to be checked for sleep apnea.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2006 at 11:29PM
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Asolo and Bogi - thank you so much for giving the male perspective here. I have been a solo female for such a long time that I really appreciate your telling it like it is!

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 10:49AM
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Well, I'm not a guy, but my take on it is that if right now you have no interest in dating and no desire to put the effort into the compromises that being in a relationship requires, then, so what? Don't do it. So, at some point in the future you might want to be in a relationship? When that point gets here, then you can start dating again. Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with just not dating for a while; if your heart's not in it, it's probably not going to work out well anyway, so why subject either yourself or some innocent guy to what's only going to end up badly?

Where is the rule that if we are single, we are required to be actively looking for someone to couple with? Or the rule that says we have to want the same thing at all points in our lives? Choosing to not date at the moment doesn't mean you are making some major decision to give up dating for life.

And, if you really think you have a problem with being too set in your ways, then go out and learn something new, do things that stretch your comfort zone a little. This is actually fixable, if it's something you want to fix.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2006 at 5:33PM
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I have some of the same thoughts and frankly resent the
"men have had enough of women with issues so don't date response"
What BS.
Men have plenty of their own issues that they have no problem
inflicting on women.
Bottom line - everyone has issues - which are really just personalities. What makes it so hard is finding someone that your personality fits with.
Most people settle and put up with things that bother them - maybe they are more flexible or maybe they are secretly miserable.
It sounds like you need to figure out what your saying.
I would like to date but am afraid my personality will be a problem - you just have to keep trying till you find the one that matches you.
I'm not that interested but feel I should be - take courage and live alone if you want.
I would like to date but feel inadequate - everybody does. Learn to laugh at it. Men have other men to talk about sports with. They don't really expect it from women.
Just my 02

    Bookmark   January 7, 2007 at 8:53AM
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My first husband was a young alcoholic & the marriage lasted 18 yrs. Five years later, I married a man who turned out to be a sex addict. He also forgot to tell me there were three wives before me with the same complaint. I took the short road that time & left after 2 yrs. The time was messing with my mind & yes, when you're in the middle of an emotionally abused relationship you can't always see the forest for the trees. Now,I love nothing more than coming home to a lovely little house where my little dog & cat are waiting for me. It's quiet here, nobody's "picking" on me, drunk or sober, & I can do just as I please. I have great music, good books & a house & yard to take care. By the way the house is totally mine as I was lucky to get out of the last marriage with my purse. So what if you're single or a pair..sooner or later it's down to one anyway. Enjoy single life to the max if that's what you have..There are far worse things.

    Bookmark   October 1, 2007 at 12:21AM
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Partnering with another human being emotionally, domestically, intellectually, intimately and doing a half decent job of it is hard work and not for the faint of heart! It doesn't just "happen." My opinion. Those who choose not to should be respected for knowing who they are and for feeling fulfilled and comfortable all by themselves. There is a big difference between needing a relationship and wanting one. Lots of people get into relationships for the wrong reasons with the wrong people.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2007 at 6:26PM
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I have been married all of my adult life and I was a very unselfish wife. So much so that I went through burn out. I am now a widow, I have no desire to marry or get involved with a man so deeply that I have to worry about whether he wants to eat take out or dine in or which restaurant to eat at. I didn't mention eat at home, because I don't cook anything except breakfast anymore. I have a new neighbor who I thought figured out how two people can be close without feeling like that. They are not married, they maintain and sleep at their homes, no problems right??? Well low and behold I stopped when I saw her sitting on the porch, as we talked she mentioned her relationship with her friend. She said she couldn't go downstairs and sew when he was over, because she was afraid she would hurt his feelings. She doesn't know how to break it off without hurting him. So she is as good as married, even though they both maintain their own homes. I don't think people are meant to be married to the same person all of their lives. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it......

    Bookmark   October 5, 2007 at 11:19PM
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Frankly, I loathe being single and alone all the time. But it is preferable to most of the options of companionship that have come my way.

    Bookmark   October 8, 2007 at 2:01PM
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You know, back when I was just out of high school and starting college, there was a group of us that hung around together. Just about equal men & women. We went everywhere together as a group, not as "couples". It's a shame you can't go through life with that kind of relationship. Our group gradually paired off with people outside the group and dropped out until there was no one left. From what I remember of everyone, the relationships didn't last and the group was gone too. What a shame. I've had friendships with an equal number of men & women but never as a group again. What is it about this sort of thing that makes it difficult for people to maintain friendships with more than one or two people at a time? It always seems that the people you really like can't get along with the rest of your friends and you end up doing different things with different people.

I'm with those of you that have no desire to get married again. I enjoy my "me" time and that is in short supply in a marriage. I would, however, like to have more male friends. I've found that, once you reach a certain age, men drop out of your life. I can only assume they are looking for younger companionship. That leaves us "old ladies" with our female friends, family and pets. Come to think of it, that ain't all bad.

    Bookmark   October 9, 2007 at 4:33PM
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True for men, too. Independence becomes precious. And, really, is there anything worse than a bad date? On the other hand, good ones are wonderful, aren't they? Here's to balance and not disregarding opportunities.

FWIW, I don't think most women even start getting attractive and worthwhile until 40 or so. Pity so few of them know it. Or maybe good for me because I get to tell them.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2007 at 12:20PM
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Well, Ladies, looks like we have a rare bird here in asolo. One that appreciates the attributes of the experienced and well seasoned woman. Can't say that this breed of bird appears often in my circle. But then again, I live in a rural area with very little exposure to a wide variety of men. Or women for that matter. Maybe I should move to the city. Nahhhh..........

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 10:39AM
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I don't think so rare. I think by the time we've reached "an age", usually with at least one marriage behind, we've got a different perspective of what's important and enjoyable and reinforceing and what isn't. We've also got a better track-record of situations and behaviors on both sides to evaluate. Perhaps most important, we've essentially got license to be a little more open and direct even in the early going. I find the maturity of conversation alone a considerable benefit compared with younger, less-experienced women. I think it all goes together much more satisfyingly past 40 or so. By that time we don't have to wonder what kind of person we're dealing with. Whatever they were going to "become", they already are.

The downside is that the dishonest among them have sometimes honed their deceptive skills over the years. Thankfully, they are in the minority.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 3:38PM
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Hey pris, I was going to say something special last night about asolo's post - it was pretty nice to hear. I was too tired last night by the time I saw it and thought I'd leave it for when I was a little more alert. Thank you asolo!!

I have to say, my ex husband is one of those extra-special guys that really appreciates women. We split over something very traumatic - our daughter passed away and it was very difficult for him (and me also) to handle. That made the marriage pretty tough for a long time. He (we) owns a trucking business and was on the road a lot. When our daughter passed, an already strained relationship just became unbearable. We are very good friends now but I keep up the wall because I'm not sure I want to get married again. I've been on my own for so long that I don't think I'd make that "wifey" award anymore. I'm weighing my options a little more now because one day, he probably won't consider me his 1st choice. Having said that, I do so much appreciate the love between a man and a woman; it's pretty darn special - especially when the man really values and a woman's grace and knows how to express it. When that happens, it's so much easier.

Thanks again.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 7:22PM
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I get lonely sometime and think about dating, but it's just so much hassle! Then I think about washing his clothes, listening to him snore, having him channel surf when I'm trying to watch something, having to cook supper every night, and I just say no!

I've gotten now to where I have no desire to even meet anyone. I haven't really dated anyone in almost a year, and I just don't want to. I've met some nice men who were interested, and I always back out, or just sort of blow them off. I'm enjoying being alone, and being able to do what I want.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2007 at 8:31PM
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