10 years of a single life...and

SmokyMistJune 29, 2008

I've lived a single life now for well probably almost 11 years. I did have a 7 year 'situation', that can by no means be called a relationship....I lived as a single person renting a downstairs room to someone , and that was that...

I've always thought I'd be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life, becomming that 'old lady in her garden surrounded by her cats"...only...I don't much care for cats..LOL...my house is full of reptiles and other interesting animals, and of course my two Pekes.

I have older children, 16 and 20, and we are extremely close.

All of a sudden, at the age of 43, I find myself wondering what life would be like , sharing it with someone . I actually find myself fighting an inner battle..like the little good angel and the devil on the other shoulder...

Like look it says..you've been happy this long along..and then the little angel will say ...but wouldn't it be nice to have someone to talk to , garden with, read with and share the shoulder to lean on with, when you get older ?

Anyone else have these little inner struggles going on ?

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OMG, does anyone else have these little inner struggles - well, let's just put it this way, you are definitely not alone!!

It's a real struggle for me. The ying and the yang just don't ever want to meet in the middle and I think I'm losing something very precious because of it. One day I'm OK with having someone around, and then the next - I'm Ms. Independent that can't handle someone in my life all the time. Mind you, I am not in what you would call a relationship. I have a few male friends but I don't date, go out, etc. I was married for 26 years - was separated after 21 and divorced in 2000. He wants to get married again - one half of my brain says that would be the best thing for me. The other half says, if you say yes, it will be permanent and you will loose the "freedoms" that you have. The funny thing, I always had those freedoms, even when we were married. So, what's the problem, I ask!! Don't know. It's not because it's him because he's the perfect care-taker, care-giver, provider, fun and funny guy everyone just loves. AND, we trust each other with our lives. Not sure what I'll do, but I can really feel the offer slowly but surely being removed from the table. hmmmm...

Anyway, if I can make a suggestion, at your age, if you are thinking sort of half and half and that little angle is really getting louder, I would be a little more aggressive about trying to meet someone, just for practice again if for no other reason. If you don't get out there, you won't know if you like having "it" or not. As you get older, it is much harder to meet people. After a certain point, you are really almost too old to enjoy it as you can down. That's not to say that you couldn't have fun and enjoyment with someone when you are older. It's just that you do go through some life changes when you get older and the meaning, needs and want of a relationship are a little bit different. It is nicer, I think, to grow with someone as you age.

Nice little pickle we are in, huh. Thanks for sharing.


    Bookmark   June 29, 2008 at 9:23PM
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I have been single for seven years following the death of my husband. We were married 32 years when he died suddenly of a heart attack. I am now 62 and find my life very lonely. I have one child still at home but she will be leaving in Jan for college. For the first 4-5 years after my husbands death I didn't even think about the possibility of a relationship. For one thing my youngest was only 11 years old and all of my emotions and energy were tied up being a single parent. All of a sudden I find myself facing the empty nest and however many years I have left being alone. It is not a comforting thought. I definitely would like to share my life with someone. I miss having someone to talk with, share life's ups and downs with. I really think that for me a life alone is really a life of lonliness. I agree that the older one is the more difficult it is to meet someone. I really only dated one or two others before my husband and I don't have a clue how to start having a social life. Anyone have any ideas for an old lady like me??

    Bookmark   June 30, 2008 at 9:41AM
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IMHO, I think we're all meant to spend some of our time on our own, if only to discover who we really are, without the distraction of a relationship (even though it can be a good distraction!) I am not alone by choice - my DH died in April 2007 from cancer, but I LOVED being with him!

Some people flit from one relationship to another because they are afraid to be alone, to discover who they really are, in case they don't like what they see. It takes courage to go it alone, but it's worthwhile, and once you know what and who you are, you will love yourself for it.

You'll begin to attract that special person who appreciates you, usually when you've stopped looking - remember, 'alone' and 'lonely' don't mean the same thing.

There are many people in this world who are in relationships, but are incredibly lonely. Even the bible says 'you must go forth and seek a wife/husband', but if you indeed find a mate, it's no guarantee you still won't be lonely! As for me, I'd prefer to be lonely alone!

Good luck as you go into each day - may you find what you seek!

    Bookmark   June 30, 2008 at 10:33PM
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I've lived most of my life alone. Most of the time I'm very happy alone. It would be really nice to have someone on the other side of the bed. Sex is a good thing but not what my heart really aches for. Late at night I crave the sound of someone breathing, the smell of girl sweat, the warmth on cold nights. My youth was lost to poverty. Young honest working guys are not relationship material it seemed. Now I'm 40 and some. Poverty is a thing of the past and life is comfortable. Seems like all the women my age have been married once or twice or so. Their kids are grown. From what I can see there is no place in the world for me. I pay a housekeeper to pick up after me so I don't even need domestic help. Looks like I'll sit on the porch drinking tea until the sun goes down and that will be the end of the story. I'd love someone but who and how seems impossible.

    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 12:54AM
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ooooh boy, aren't we a sad lot...

Not talking about anyone's post in particular because I've posted my "story" here too. But when I read this thread and a lot of the others on TSL, I began to feel a theme - lonliness. There are a few here that I don't hear it from as much, but for the most part, it sounds like each of us is "secretly" starving for affection of some sort - but mostly from someone that is not a mother, a father, sister, brother, daughter or son, etc.

OK, we post about the freedom's that we enjoy being single and the fun times we have with family and friends that fill our lives. But I feel the most sunshine in everyone's eyes when someone posts about having a date, or when a friendship could possibly step up one more rung.
We can get into the philosphy of life really well here, but when it gets right down to it, I think we all would have a little twinkle if Mr. or Ms. Right showed up on our doorstep.

Several have mentioned having lost a life-partner, that would be hard to "replace". But is the reality of this that it could be better not to be alone?

Some of us have been through you-know-what in past relationships. So, do we wear the disguise that being alone is Ok, because it's safer than running the risk of another bad relationship, or ending up in the same rut as before?

Thinks brings me back full-circle to the OP's question, what happens after being alone - do we want to be alone, or with someone. I think our fears play a lot into this. Take a look at how children gain friends and play out their adventures. They just strike up a conversation or get a game of kickball going until they encounter a bad or sad situation, they keep going,with reckless abandon (until the "much wiser old person" tells them otherwise). Even when they take a stumble in a bad situation, we are there to tell them it will be alright, and off they go, running again.

We don't try things as much when we are older because we have been experienced away from doing certain things. I think the whole internet thing has helped because for the most part we can say what we want and no one is the wiser - it's safer. We reach out through the written word all over the world, and still no one really knows who we are.
We may just need to take the child's approach - go for the gusto! Maybe that special someone might just be there to tell us it will be alright - for a lifetime.

just some thoughts...(or am I dreaming)!!


    Bookmark   July 1, 2008 at 9:12PM
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gneegirl, if you are dreaming I want to be part of that dream. I agree with all you said. I just don't believe that we are meant to be alone, lone, single, solo or whatever you want to call it. I think we all need the deep satisfaction you get from having someone to share with whether it be a good movie, a bad situation, a beautiful sunset or just the ups and downs of life. I miss having someone to share my most inner thoughts with and knowing that someone loves me in a way only a lifelong partner can love another. I miss my husband.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 10:31AM
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In my opinion, the trick is to enjoy your life as much as you can, single or not single.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2008 at 1:09PM
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Thanks satine - yeah, I think we agree but your thoughts were expressed in a lot fewer words. Missing your hubby is probably pretty tough. When I lost my daughter, my closest friend was so supportive and we kept talking about how it is such a sad thing to loose a child. She had lot her husband very suddely when her chilren were young. That to me is the most tragic lost. Yes, it's tough to have lost my 18yo, and I struggle still. But to me, you kind of know you will loose your child when they grow up and start their own family. But you spend your life cultivating your relationship with you spouse or SO. You become special intimate (not nec. the nightime intimacy) friends. When you loose that it has to be pretty devastaing. I am sorry that you have to go through this type of loss. I know others here are also in the same situation. My heart goes out to you.

sayhello - I think that you are right as well. But my post acknowleges that fact - you spend time enjoying life, family and friends. But there is a different type of lonliness that I think is from not having a love interest. Your family and friends are there to love, care and share with you, but when they all go home, there is something different that goes on when you have that from a love interest. When I read the thread before my previous post, it hit me that there seemed to be so much lonliness here. We try to fill up the void with everything under the sun - there is nothing wrong with that, but still I believe that having another half so to speak would benefit us all. We condition ourselves to adjust to being alone, sometimes so much so that we appear to be satisfied with it. But truly if we let go and allow that to happen, I bet I would see/feel more smiles here. Mind you, even those of us that are alone due to loss, continue to have a love interest in the lost partner. Part of that is grief and longing that sometimes never goes away.

Again, just my thoughts.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2008 at 1:17AM
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Well since I work from home, and homeschool...and I still enjoy days like yesterday , spent up in the Mountains with my kids in the creeks flipping over rocks looking for salamanders and snorkling..I guess it's just not time yet for me to look for a mate. And If I end up alone..well that's how I end up.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2008 at 9:47AM
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I never thought of myself as a "selfish" or "standoffish" person. I am a teacher. I volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. My sewing guild has a long list of charitable projects every month. I am the first to help a neighbor, friend, or stranger.

I enjoy parties and get-togethers; am always willing to host a BBQ or cocktail partyÂ

BUT at the end of it all, I want to go home ALONE. I guess I do guard my "alone" time selfishly.

I spent the first 50 some-odd years always living w/ someone. I grew up with five siblings; was then married for 20yrs, raised (raising) two children. Loved every minute of it: love my brothers and sisters, loved my husband, love my kids. BUT I never got to be alone.

I am currently in the midst of ending a "casual" relationship. I have always been upfront and honest about not wanting a "serious" commitment but the guys I date always seem to think I will change my mind.

I admire that so many of you would open up your hearts and lives to another, again.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2008 at 7:34PM
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After two marriages--one for 24 years and one for 6 I'm done. I do get so lonely but it is not worth the price I have to pay. Guess I just don't pick em good but I'd rather have peace and be alone that HE!! all the time.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2008 at 2:50PM
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You have to figure out if you are better off alone or married with all of the grief that goes with it. It's a no brainer for me. I have been married for 47 years and was to much of a giver. I should have put me first every once in a while, maybe I would have been more satisfied. I don't think we are a sad bunch, I think we are alone and probably happier than a lot of married women. I have a neighbor who is around 75 and a newly wed. One day she whispered to me, "don't get married".

    Bookmark   July 8, 2008 at 6:17PM
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stargazzer - that is too funny - your neighbor does have a point!! At 75, if you are able to say that, then you can do alright by your own little self!

OK, got some spunk going - some happy, uplifting thoughts. There are those that would definitely choose to live alone. They find happiness in what they make of their lives. Their reality is justified by their experiences - some of which they would never want to tread through again, for love or perceived selfishness. I would never say selfishness. My thought - those who have endured, deserve!

    Bookmark   July 8, 2008 at 7:10PM
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Amen, deserved is right. I'm spending the money and have had people ask me if I would adopt them for a travel companion. LOL

    Bookmark   July 8, 2008 at 7:56PM
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Smokeymist you have been single a long time and raised a wonderful family. So now it is your turn. Your thinking about what it would be like to have a real relationship, just try it. You may meet just the right person that will make your life truly happy. Ya'll can garden together, shop, fight, make up, travel, cook, etc. You are still a very young woman. Forty is the new thirty.

Bunnyman put your picture and profile on Yahoo Personals or Match.com or even Date.com. Throw your sweet tea away and get off the porch. It sounds like you long for a real relationship. You may really be surprized at how much response you get. Of course a woman your age has been married and has probably had children, so what? People are on dating services because they want the same thing you do. Go out and enjoy yourself, you deserve it too.

Did you ever think that maybe your a real prize? You are finanically comfortable, you have no children. That's a real plus, bunnyman.

I am a widow and have been for years with no children. I have meet some really nice and interesting people on internet dating. And many have remained friends. I almost married again not to long ago but decided against it. I knew it was the wrong thing to do for me and for him.

I am 58 now and I feel alive again. I know there is someone out there for me. But if not, so be it, I tryed. And that is something I thought I would never do after the death of my husband. Never say never.

Good luck and I hope you all listen to that inner voice. I am speaking to myself as well.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2008 at 12:54AM
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