How you really think about other couples...?

ripetJune 14, 2004

Hi, I'm kind wondering if this is just me/ ? or how you feel about this.

I used to talk about my relationships with friends( most of them are married ) but I kind stopped doing that.

When I happen to complain about relationship, they usually go along with me or they must really agreeing with me and things get bigger than what it is and I start to have more doubt in the guy.

Then later find out their marrige have up and downs too, and depending what it is but I usually feeling like " I do want to get married but I'm glad I'm not married to some one like their husband"

I feel bad saying this but sometime I felt this way.

And interestingly enough what ever the suggestion they made"dump him, or don't take that kind crap etc...LOL"

Only applied to me but not themselves.

Am I imagining all this or what?

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ivamae

I doubt if you are imagining it. It seems like everyone can see the problems in everyone else but they don't see their own short comings. I think that is just human nature. I don't think any relationships or marriages are free of some problems. None of us is perfect. The most important thing is whether each person in the relationship is willing to work hard at it. If it is only one peson trying to make it work, then it just won't. Dr. Phil says it isn't 50/50 it is 100/100 and I believe that is true.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2004 at 7:56PM
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ripet

ivame, I 'm glad to hear what you said here. It;s so true that harder to see own problem than others.
and I realized that I am at the point to make decision or at least be aware of just how much am I willing to work on the relationship or forever single looking for a perfect mate .

    Bookmark   June 15, 2004 at 1:46AM
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Daisyduckworth

Every relationship, in or out of marriage, has its own problems. There are things that you can't tolerate, but which other people find quite acceptable, and vice versa. It's how you work at, with, through or around problems that makes the difference between success or failure. The only advice you should really listen to is that of the little unseen but frequently felt person who resides somewhere around your gut area.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2004 at 2:28AM
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quirk

1) I don't think we are more likely to see other people's problems than our own. (In general, of course there are exceptions.) I think we are more likely to be aware of the good parts of our own relationships, and therefore have a more realistic view of if the good balances out the bad. Daisy is right, every relationship has its problems. AND benefits. But you probably complain about your SO's shortcomings more than you praise the good things. This is natural for most of us--- we are more likely to come home and complain about our stressful day at work, for example, than to come home and gush about how interesting and challenging it is. We do the same thing when talking about our relationships. So, you need to vent, you want advice, etc, so you complain to your friends about the bad things. When everything's good, you don't need to vent, you don't need advice, you don't talk about it so much. So unless they spend LOTS of time around you as a couple and get to view the good things for themselves, they get a negatively distorted view of the relationship. Meanwhile, they know both the good and the bad of thier own relationship. They are more willing to "put up with" their own partner's shortcomings because they also know all their better qualities, which they probably don't about your partner.

2) Your friends care about you and want to be supportive of you. They may not care so much about the person you're in a relationship with, or be particularly inclined to be supportive. They will naturally be inclined to always take your side. This is not really a bad thing, it's good to have friends you know will support you no matter what. But if you want serious advice, you have to take pains to make sure your friends know all sides of the story, and know that you want serious advice, not just emotional support.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2004 at 9:35AM
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ripet

I'm glad to hear everyones ideas and opinions,
quirk said "They are more willing to "put up with" their own partner's shortcomings because they also know all their better qualities, which they probably don't about your partner. "
This is totally true and that's one of the reason I started to have these questions in my head.
It went like this...." Well, friend A said I should dump him because of ********* , three month later same thing is happening to friend A but now she have totally differrent opinion about this or she doesn't even have an opinion but just accepting it , ?????"
When my friend is upset about partner and need to talk about it or ask my advice, I never tell them to take drastic action, because I feel they are basically just venting and needed someone to talk about this, and decision is totally up to them.
And I guess I hope to be treated the same but most time things somehow end up like "you shoul'd do this or that "

From now on if I am in desparate need to have small talk , I should mention that "I just need emotional support"....????

I don't know if this sounds right either....????

    Bookmark   June 19, 2004 at 1:04AM
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marilou

I'd like to toss in some ideas to the mix. It's much different when Friend A hasn't had the same experience, making it easier to offer a knee-jerk reaction to your vent. Now that Friend A is going through the same thing, she has gained perspective and insight she didn't have before, and may say little or nothing because of how complex everything has suddenly become.

It is perfectly appropriate for you to preface your talks with "I need some emotional support." I can add from personal experience that it lightens the (perceived) burden on the listener when they know all they have to do is listen and nod now and then. I think it's courteous and helps reinforce the listening further when you throw in "thanks for letting me vent" when you're done talking.

All too often, unless informed otherwise, the listener interprets venting to mean the other person is asking them to come up with a solution. That may be more responsibility than they want and may result in giving a pat answer, then changing the subject. So, yeah, lay out the expectation right up front. Go for it! Maybe you'll both feel better.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2004 at 10:12PM
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marilou

Me again. I can totally relate to the thoughts you kept to yourself about wanting to be married but not to someone like your friend's husband.

I find myself MUCH more discerning than I was when I was younger, when *any* potential partner flattered my ego by showing interest. It was like having blinders on. There were so many fish in the sea back then that I could just enjoy basking in the attention, and I figured (stupidly) that I'd end up married at some point.

Well I did end up married and luckily I didn't do too bad a job picking the guy. But now he's gone and it's thirty years after that huge pool of cute single guys were around. I look around at the slim pickins' of eligible guys now, the majority of which have undesirable traits (they're single for a reason!) and know that the good ones are already taken. Plus, for some unfortunate couples, some of the not-so-good ones, too.

So yes, I silently evaluate the marriages around me. I think things like, "Wow, how nice to see that" or "Oh, so sad" or "That reminds me of what I had." To me, it's more important to be happy in life (whether single or married) than have a mate just for the sake of having one.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2004 at 10:26PM
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ripet

Marilou,somehow I feel we might be on the similer page in the life by reading your post. I go through a lot of "I silently evaluate the marriages around me. I think things like, "Wow, how nice to see that" or "Oh, so sad" or "That reminds me of what I had." " And when I see "Wow, how nice to see that" , that's when I wish if I was married again.
I was married 10years and been single about 6years(already? time went by so fast , I never imagined to be single this long 6years ago) I am at the point trying to figure out pros and cons of marrige , not as a "marrige" but "marrige" in my situation.

    Bookmark   June 20, 2004 at 1:18AM
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