Is it possible to reunite successfully with EX BF?

irishgirl68May 11, 2011

I am a mid 40's woman who dated an amzing man for 3 months last summer until I became overwhelmed with being a single mother to my kids and trying to train for my new dream job that I got 2 weeks after I met him. He was smart, honest, spiritual and we were just in love when I felt that we had to break it off until my life settled down. He kept in touch every once in awhile via text and I honestly wasn't phased or pulled in by it but of course missed him and we agreed that it was hard to break free of this "pull" between us. Things finally settled down about 6 weeks ago and I replied with more of a conversive tone when he texted me a hello and we began to text very deep things, feelings etc and he was very upfront that he had met someone but she was great and he "could be happy with her" but "I met you first" and "I miss you" and what if we had a 2nd chance?" etc. I was very pulled in but reluctantly bc I knew he was dating someone. I reminded him that he was not available and a few days later he cut contact until I pushed him to give me an idea of what was goingon and he told me that "He did not want to lead me on" and that I was right, "I am not available", all along I had told him that if we ever were to have a chance that I would not want him to leave her for me but to have it end because it simply didn't work, then we could see about us. So we both wanted to do the right things and deny our feelings for now. I was devstated to see her picture on FB recently and it has been 4 months of dating. I know that all I can do is sit back and go on with my life. I do hope we would have a chance but my question is really, do you think 2 people can deny their passion and love for each other if they really look in their hearts? I don't think he is a gamey guy but now I hurting. I do still have very strong feelings about a future with him. Thank you...

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kayjones

Asolo, where are you - talk to this woman!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 10:07PM
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sayhellonow

Hi Irishgirl,

Remember that you are the one who put the relationship on pause/halt initially, and when there was a second contact you told him you would not want him to leave her for you. He has been honest with you by telling you he is not available, so the ball is in his court if you are ever to get together again. To be brutally honest, it sounds like the "passion and love" he's feeling is now for someone else -- otherwise, wouldn't your photo would be on FB and not hers?

My best advice is to get "very" busy and stay busy socially! But don't do it in an attempt to get him back. If things don't work out with the other woman, he may come back but you can't wait for that or dream that it might happen.

Good luck to you now.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 10:18PM
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irishgirl68

Thanks for your reply. I have struggled in the past with relationship jitters after a 20 year marriage that went bad, I was devastated.I don't want to make a mistake again and frankly sometimes I simply feel like I will fall short for the next guy and fail.I have done much work on myself and truly this man and I had a great thing but I did have to prioritize my life back when I halted it. He understood but yes then dated and found someone. I tried to take the high road by telling him to not leave her for me, isn't that really the right thing to do so as to take all pressures off of us if we did get back together and eliminate the chance for regret.I didn't want to be the "other woman" just the girl he could not get out of his mind and hoped I was still available when and if it did not work out. Isn't that the mature thing to do or no?
I guess I am wondering how he could be "that into her" and have gone through this 6 week texting/talking reconnect where he said he thinks of me everyday, looks at my pictures. etc. I feel the same which is why I have not returned to dating but I am not going to wait on him either. I guess time will tell but If true love really exists can you ignore that pull towards someone? He was very clear that he "could be happy" with her, she is great but she is not you and we lack alot that we had together. thanks for your insights

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 7:50AM
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asolo

You said he said:

"...but "I met you first" and "I miss you" and what if we had a 2nd chance?"

I'd call that a clue.

"I had told him that if we ever were to have a chance that I would not want him to leave her for me...."

Don't be an idiot! Of course you want him to leave her for you. What is this? You're both dating, not "committed". He and you can do whatever you want. If you want him, go get him. Don't need to be obnoxious about it but you don't have have to shrink away behind self-perceptions of lover's courtesy either, if you're feeling like you obviously are.....and apparently he is, too.

"I don't want to make a mistake again and frankly sometimes I simply feel like I will fall short for the next guy and fail."

Put that stuff in a box on the shelf and never look at it again. That was then, this is now.

"....eliminate the chance for regret."

"Regret" is what you've got now, sweetheart. You're going to analyze this thing to death, aren't you? You don't get certainty about this stuff but if your feelings (and logic!!!) are as strong about this as you've described -- talking reality, here, not just romantic wish-thinking -- then hop on your horse and get going. You're the one that told him YOU were unavailable. Tell him that's changed. How else would he know? If he's not married or engaged, he's fair game. He and she both know that. You should know it.

I don't know how intense this may be on either side or what the "chances" may be but from your description it seems to me you're letting a good thing go.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 12:28PM
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kayjones

Oh, my dear Asolo - thank you for your insightful reply, AS ALWAYS!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 5:29PM
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irishgirl68

OK, so Asolo, I have read about you on here, long before I decided to post a need. I really LOVE your perspective..Yes you are right, i absolutely was unavailable and ended it, we had a really, really good thing. but here is the skinny..ok, so daily texting for about 6 wks, he taking the "temperature of the situation" and all of a sudden he stops texting. Wham..I asked him to speak with me and he said "you are right, I am not available, I feel badly and no I don't want to have regrets and I am torn, I won't ever stop thinking about you", ...and that was it..so I poured my heart out via email, telling him what has changed, life is calmer, I am secure in my job and most of all I see what I lost. That I do not want a future without him, I did not hold back, that we had a good love..he did not respond..the next thing that happens is, there is a picture of them together on facebook..and there had been none before.It was like a kick in the gut..He seemed to have made a choice, so I guess I blew it, or did I. Several people I have spoken to say that men are chasers and when I was ready to go all in it scared him and all I can do now is wait. I am not sure, but I doknow that men need time to miss you, to process things of the heart and don't like to be pushed, so what do I do???? I am not a gamey girl but it seems as if it gets gamey when things like this happen. HELP!!! Thx :)

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 10:21PM
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irishgirl68

never mind..just received the Dear Joan email..turns out it has been 6 months with this woman and I seem to have misjudged the situation soley based on his words and actions over a 6 wk period...at best he is prone to emotional affairs..at worst..well i dont want him..
..oh well..i am sure his ego enjoyed the ride..

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 11:36PM
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asolo

Oops!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 11:58AM
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asolo

"Several people I have spoken to say that men are chasers and when I was ready to go all in it scared him and all I can do now is wait. I am not sure, but I doknow that men need time to miss you, to process things of the heart and don't like to be pushed...."

Can't let this go. This, too, needs to be stricken from your mental construct. Your guy is NOT "men". He is who he is and he did what he did. Romantic pursuits are troublesome enough as it is without layering on the platitudes and cliches.

It's individual plus individual every time. If you think we're all alike, you're wrong. Let me do it: "Oh, women! Women are always.....(insert your favorite one here)." None of us are always anything!

You've just discovered you've been deceived. That always hurts. Welcome to the trenches...to that disappointment none us seek or expect. I wish people wouldn't do that. However, I can assure you -- and I think you know -- not everyone is like that.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 7:19PM
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irishgirl68

Asolo, thank you for your support and kind words, I really was hurting today, however, I take my side of responsibility for allowing myself to be drawn in, fully aware that yes, he was involved. There is a very small part of me that thinks it is not entirely done as his parting email said "I will always love you, I look at your pictures and think of youe every day-they make me smile- and you have no idea how much my heart aches thinking of what we could have if the timing were different. " Well, the only thing in my estimation stopping him is the fear of the unknown, he wants safe guarantees (he seems to have a comfortable, somewhat satisfying relationship with this woman that as he says "lacks the passion we had and your zest for life and fun and humor and just being alive"..hmm a mouthful...How can you call that a 6 month relationship? so I will go on with my life and take the lesson learned which is to proceed with caution, put up appropriate boundaries until you really know what is going on with someone and overall respect my own emotions and protect them. I am a liver, a light hearted devil may care person and people are highly attracted to that, but he sounds scared. So, it goes. Thoughts Asolo?? I appreciate again, your thoughful perspective!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 7:50PM
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asolo

"I will always love you, I look at your pictures and think of youe every day-they make me smile- and you have no idea how much my heart aches thinking of what we could have if the timing were different. "

In a sense I admire him for easing you down. But he IS saying sayonara....surely you see that. Don't parse it. This is goodbye. Period. Stop the *%#!! analysis, will you? This is "goodbye" from him to you.

Blah, blah, blah, plus...."How can you call that a 6 month relationship?"

Stop, stop, STOP!!!! It's over. That's it. Sit down. Digest it, and then crap it out.

"I will go on with my life and take the lesson learned which is to proceed with caution, put up appropriate boundaries until you really know what is going on with someone and overall respect my own emotions and protect them."

Oh, hell. Grow up!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 9:32PM
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irishgirl68

well that's harsh..maybe I should repeat the same mistake over and over and expect a different result? That is the definition of insanity..and yes it's over..

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 11:47PM
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asolo

Yeah, too strong I suppose, but look.....

If you're going to continue to be interested, that will mean a couple of things....

  1. You'll have to be "available"
  2. You'll have to be able to endure disappointment without getting callous or going nuts.

You've just seen that something you felt so strongly about was, actually, a deception. What you thought was honest and promising was fraudulent. Game-playing dude from your description. Who knows why he did that? Who wants to know?

Just suggesting you not get too crazy about the "lesson learned" thing. It wont' be an "over-and-over" thing. It never is. Of course you'd avoid it if it was. But the next episode will be entirely different. If it's another bust, you won't see it coming. If it's the one that lasts the rest of your life, you won't see that coming either. That's how different it will be.

When the time comes -- or when you think it's come -- you have to put yourself out. Same for everyone. Both sexes.

Be as good as you can be and put it out there. It's all any of us has.

And be observant and strong enough to acknowledge when it's not as right as it needs to be -- pain and all.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 12:30AM
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irishgirl68

yes..that I agree with..but I think that everytime you have something like this happen, you have learn something,about yourself. I mean, if I were to do it all over again, I would have simply told him completely how I feel and that yes, I am available but only to someone who is themselves available and not allow it to go any further. At the end of the day, if a guy can't pursue a woman free and clear of the one that they have that they know isn't for them,then he is not the guy I want to be with.simple.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 7:25AM
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