Survey: Do you really enjoy 'dating?'

sayhellonowMay 3, 2011

I have done it a lot, and frankly I'm finding out that I don't really enjoy it a whole lot. I get my hair and nails done, maybe even buy something new to wear, and 30 minutes into the date I'm wishing I was vegging out in front of the tube.

I've had more two-hundred-dollar dinners than the next 50 people combined, can afford to take myself to the movies, the dances, and plays, etc., etc. I like my small home and my flowerbeds, and really enjoy being there. I'm not lonely either.

Although totally unrealistic, it would be so nice if I could just find someone to hang out with whenever, and not have to go through the "dressup & stepout" routine. It must be even worse for you men who often have to foot the bill (or think you do anyway). I guess it's just something we have to do if we want to find/create a lasting, loving relationship. I remember that in a lecture one time, the speaker said to a group of singles, "It's a numbers game. You have to go through them one by one until it clicks."

What do you folks think about dating? Is it a tiresome process for you, or do you really enjoy it?

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kayjones

I haven't dated in many years, and like you, would LOVE to find someone to just go do stuff with, without all the hoopla surrounding 'dating' - I don't think it's going to happen, though. I, too, love my home and flowers, but don't enjoy movies and t.v. - I want to be outdoors whenever possible.

Down here in Florida, almost all the men my age, (that I've heard about from other single women), play golf nearly every day, something I'm not interested in. My idea of a fun time is going to the beach or out to hunt wildflowers.

I hope, one day, to meet someone as adventuresome as my now-deceased husband was - we had SO MUCH fun just doing simple things.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2011 at 8:58PM
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asolo

Hard to meet 'em and/or get to know 'em if you don't date. It's never been otherwise. Even THAT takes work. No rest for the weary.

Tell you what.....

If you'll promise to be perfect for me, I'll just come up and knock on your door and we'll go ahead and hang out and/or veg out and/or go the beach, etc., etc. We'll just promise to fulfill the other's expectations over Pepsis within the first five minutes and the rest will be bliss.

And I'll save $200.00 and three hours trying to figure out if I can stand you.

And tomorrow morning can speak for itself.

If there's a better way than some variation on "dating".....I'd be interested in learning what it is.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2011 at 11:49PM
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kayjones

OK, Asolo - who's house you coming to visit first? Do I get first dibs, since I live in Florida?

    Bookmark   May 5, 2011 at 6:23PM
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sayhellonow

I definitely think you should get first dibs, Kay. I don't live in Florida and I don't like Pepsis ! But if you're not perfect for him, I am planning a trip to Delray Beach and Jacksonville within the next little while (grin).

    Bookmark   May 5, 2011 at 11:02PM
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kayjones

Well, Asolo already knows my personality - we would mix like oil and water! LOL Good Luck, Say!

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 8:06AM
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asolo

You had me at "oil".....my imagination soars.

That perfection thing certainly is elusive, though, is it not? : )

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 4:09PM
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sayhellonow

Well, you're both certainly very open and honest, so who knows?

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 8:57PM
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jleek

I guess we are all looking for the same thing. A good friend and if it is of the male gender that too would be nice. Finding a really good "girl" friend is not that easy as we get older either! We are all looking for someone that is "like" us whether it be someone who is on the go or a couch potatoe. I enjoyed working and interacting with young and old and find all interesting. Now that I am "at home" I tend to interested more in the home and yard. I reach out to social groups when inclined, but find no one of real interest with either gender. People are all nice but no tried and true friends up to this point.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 9:38AM
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kayjones

Say - FYI - Asolo is just being ornery - we've bantered back and forth for years here on this forum!

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 5:54PM
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asolo

"...but find no one of real interest with either gender. People are all nice but no tried and true friends...."

Well that's sort of the nut, isn't it? World's full of wonderful people....but how many would you like to spend serious time with or live with? Dating is testing. And it takes time -- time we often don't feel we have when we're older. Would be nice to shorten the process but it can't be done. I don't know how else we could do it other than "dating" when we see "potential" and the attraction has progressed beyond curiosity for us.

    Bookmark   May 7, 2011 at 7:25PM
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sayhellonow

"Dating is testing. And it takes time -- time we often don't feel we have when we're older." Aha! That's what I'm feeling when I say that sometimes into yet another disappointing date I'd rather be vegging out in front of the tube (just an expression -- don't do too much of that). It just seems like a huge waste of time, sometimes.

"I tend to interested more in the home and yard." Yep, that's about where I am at the moment. I have had a good career and raised three wonderful children, and now find the domestic part of me taking precedence over a social life. Of course, this recent experience has my judgement a bit clouded. I guess the trick is to find "balance," right?

    Bookmark   May 8, 2011 at 1:14PM
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jleek

Perhaps Balance is the word............I am proud of all my accomplishments. People say I was always strong.....had no idea. Yes, we all just want to be content and appreciated for who we are. A little warmth and a cuddle is a plus..life is an adventure but in the end we are all a little soft.........to share contentment would be such a plus.........ages and stages.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 8:19PM
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asolo

"...to share contentment would be such a plus..."

Again, the nut. No contentment without trust. No trust before its time. Damned time.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 10:30PM
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sayhellonow

"Damned time." Another big amen!

I just watched a documentary about reincarnation. LOL -- Maybe we can take what we've learned into our next lives! Here's an excerpt from a book on the subject, which I find to be fascinating:

"During a presentation at Penn State University in 2005, Dr. Jim B. Tucker described how a mother was leaning over the changing table to change her son�s diaper. Her young toddler unexpectedly said, "When I was your age, I used to change your diapers." Sam Taylor, of Vermont, was born 18 months following his grandfather�s death. When he made this comment, he was only a few years old. When he was four and a half years old, however, Taylor was able to pick out his grandfather from a class picture of about 20 people and identify his grandfather�s first car from a photograph. Tucker, a child psychiatrist, past-life researcher at the University of Virginia and author, studies cases of possible reincarnation in children. Taylor�s case is detailed in Tucker�s book Life Before Life: Investigation of Children's Memories of Previous Lives along with studies of other children who seem to experience past life memory."

...but that's a whole 'nother subject.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 1:44PM
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silversword

Interesting comments.

For those who would like to get to know someone better, I think volunteering together or doing something together that makes life better for others might be a good way to spend the time. That way no one is paying (may feel they are owed something) and there is equal footing. You can wear grubby clothes and will see how that person interacts with others in front of you (very telling).

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:25PM
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asolo

Oh, Jeez, hello. Do we have to go there?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 4:29PM
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asolo

Yo, silversword....

Agree positioning in some well-populated other-oriented group is almost always a plus. The more-or-less continual drum-beat to join a church would be one example.

Trouble is, other-oriented volunteer groups are almost always social-minded folks -- refraining from saying "socialist", but I've blown it, now. And churches are,...well....churches, aren't they?

Don't want to open any Pandora's boxes, but.....where do we go to interact productively without pretending to some group-expected agenda? Maybe that's where the whole internet thing comes from. Everyone wants a short-cut.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 9:32PM
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silversword

Hey Asolo. I don't mean join a group to get a mate. I mean, once you've met someone, instead of going out to the traditional dinner/movie/dress up routine do something you might do anyways by yourself.

Sayhello said "Although totally unrealistic, it would be so nice if I could just find someone to hang out with whenever, and not have to go through the "dressup & stepout" routine. It must be even worse for you men who often have to foot the bill (or think you do anyway)".

As to your question: "where do we go to interact productively without pretending to some group-expected agenda?"

By "interact" do you mean "communicate with strangers for the purpose of finding a significant other" or do you simply mean "hang out with other potentially like-minded people"?

Because if I were looking for a mate, I would, honestly, do it online. I watched a friend pick people from her online page and it was amazing. There were so many criteria, from religion to politics to activities, desires for the future, etc. You meet in a public location, if you don't hit it off you don't hang out. Simple and honest. You're both looking for someone. And you'll have something to talk about, you already know what they're interested in.

If you're just looking to hang out with people, I work on my house/garden and help other people work on their property sometimes. That's productive and fun. I guess it may be a little of a group-agenda though. The homeowner usually wants to work harder than anyone else :)

There are so many activities to do in my city that are free or close to free that involve other people and I don't have time for, guided hikes, garden tours, wine tours, art in the park, etc. Get out and start doing. At least that will be more fun than sitting home grumbling. (not that anyone here is doing that... I'm a big proponent of staying in over going out, especially at night)

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 9:45PM
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asolo

Online....."Simple and honest. You're both looking for someone. And you'll have something to talk about, you already know what they're interested in."

Or so their postings would seem to indicate. I have no experience. However, the forums are certainly loaded with stories about blatant misrepresentation and intentional deception. Honesty? We're hoping from every quarter, aren't we?

Do agree with one thing, absolutely. Get out there once in a while. Do stuff you want to do. Significant other will come by or they won't. In the mean time, your life is passing by. Gotta get after that, companion or not.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 11:07PM
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sayhellonow

I agree also with you Silvers. Volunteering is something I like to do for myself as well as the community. We can't do it solely for the purpose of meeting "the one" though because then it can become a chore -- especially if "the one" never appears. I did work on the Habitat for Humanity when I lived in Atlanta. It was very rewarding, I really enjoyed it, and learned a lot. Maybe I'll do it again. I also think garden clubs are a good place to be. As you said, Asolo, "Get out there once in a while." It's certainly beneficial to get "outside" oneself.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 12:13AM
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silversword

True Asolo. But the chances of meeting someone online through a dating website, where you can interact by computer and then by telephone and then meet sure is a lot safer than meeting someone in a bar or church.

At least, IMO.

There will be tons of dishonest people who misrepresent themselves. I think everyone here has been in that situation. It's not inherent to computer dating.

I've never personally done it. I met both of my husbands through mutual friends. But I have watched several friends with online dating and they've all had positive experiences. If I were single, that's what I'd do. And yes, I am hoping for honesty. I think a person can tell pretty quick what's going on with another person if they listen to the little signs. Problem is that most people don't want to pay attention. They want to fall in love.

So don't volunteer in the hopes of meeting someone, volunteer because you want to do it. Later, once you've met someone, volunteer with them. Get to know them while helping others rather than draining their pocketbook while both of you are dressed up, uncomfortable, and performing in public.

Do you like dating Asolo? Where would you go to meet other people or get to know other people better?

I know when I have a new friend we do things together that we like. I've made many friends by asking if they'd like to go hiking with me. Once we go, we find things to talk about, we either have a good time or we don't, and usually we make another date to do something together.

I think it's pretty easy to see which people you like being with and which you don't if you're actually DOING something rather than the action being "DATING".

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 10:23AM
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asolo

"Do you like dating Asolo? "

I suppose I'm like most. I like the good ones and don't care for the bad ones. I do try to arrange activities that are enjoyable regardless of company although, certainly, good company is always to be recommended. Whether it is or not is that to be discovered. A delight when it is, but I must confess they are the exceptions. I am selfish with my time. If it doesn't go awfully well, I don't kid anyone about going 'round again. People so often use the word "friends" in such circumstances, but we seldom really mean it. I've got lots of friends. If I'm going on a "date", I'm looking for more.

"Where would you go to meet other people or get to know other people better?"

Rather a moot point in my circumstance as I am more-or-less house-bound with my care-giving duties. I am what the books and magazines describe as "unavailable". When that circumstance changes I suspect I'll learn to dance and/or become a better cook. Perhaps I'll begin accepting all those party invitations I've had to decline. There seem to me to be a nearly infinite number of interesting things to be pursued. And there seems to me to plenty of nice people all around. I would say I'm temporarily out of circulation but quite unconcerned with what the future may hold relationship-wise. I see no reason to think other than that all will develop satisfactorily in due course. Too many good folks around for it not to.

I suspect I may join a club or two, but certainly no churches or political groups. And no bars.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 2:07PM
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kayjones

Asolo, you know you are welcome to come and hang out here in Florida with me, but ya have to go to church with me!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 10:11PM
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asolo

I have gone to church with my mother. I encourage and support her every religious leaning. I share her grace at dinner. I read to her from the psalms. Because of the comfort it gives her, I will continue. This I do while believing none of it; in fact, very much resenting the ridiculousness of it, as I have since I was 10 years old.

This I endure for my mother's benefit. And for hers alone. Others? No. Never again.

Dates/prospects that would require churchgoing of me will find our conversation quickly concluded.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 10:40PM
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kayjones

Asolo, I will miss you - 'sigh'!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 8:52AM
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silversword

That's very generous of you Asolo. I'm sure it's very comforting for your mother. I would never be in a relationship that required me to go to a certain church either.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 11:07AM
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sayhellonow

Asolo: You're a caregiver? My hat's off to you. I was caregiver for someone who had cancer for three months.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 11:24AM
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asolo

Mom's 99. I've been full-time with her for more than a decade, now. That's where the "unavailable" comment came from.

I do hire people regularly so I have time away. I do have a social life, but the restrictions to it that I've voluntarily undertaken make it atypical.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 12:36PM
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kayjones

Thank God for you - what a blessing to your mother!

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 5:52PM
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asolo

Thanks, but it's really no big deal. There aren't any gods in it as far as I can see, but we do have at least a little fun every day.

The circumstance certainly does circumscribe my dating aspirations, however. Still, you might be surprised what can be made to work.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 6:05PM
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vala55

What's dating???????

    Bookmark   May 24, 2011 at 10:36AM
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sayhellonow

You're joking, right? Or is that a trick question?

    Bookmark   May 25, 2011 at 12:11AM
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kayjones

Asolo, I will date you - I've always had affection for you over these many years!

    Bookmark   May 25, 2011 at 6:56PM
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asolo

The bramble and the rose, no doubt.

You should probably go find yourself a good christian boy with a bank account. Somebody to go to church with, etc. Quoting Bob Dylan via the Turtles from the mid-'60's..."....no, no, no, it ain't me babe....it ain't me you're lookin' for, babe...."

(PS....Best version of The Bramble and the Rose is by the Smith Sisters)

    Bookmark   May 25, 2011 at 8:07PM
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sayhellonow

Hey -- So here's a genuine thought from a nice gal, apparently (you said you like nice people). Oh -- I just noticed, Asolo, that you're in zone 5. Don't know how I got it in my head that you're both in Florida. Since I'm in zone 5 too, I can only say, wouldn't a trip to some sunshine be pretty good right now? You just never know!

    Bookmark   May 29, 2011 at 12:01AM
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vala55

I haven't dated since 1972 and it was okay. Now 40 years later I wouldn't like it. It would be uncomfortable for me, sitting there wondering what he is thinking about me. If I had an acquaintance who wanted to go out with me that would be different. I would just think of him as a friend.

I had a chance to have an affair with a married man and needless to say I turned him down. I Had no trouble turning him down, but he was a very nice man and I was sad with thoughts of what could have been if he wasn't married. When he was leaving he asked for a hug and corny as it sounds, never in all of my life have I been hugged and held like that, with no ulterior motive.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2011 at 10:00PM
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asolo

Dating is always "uncomfortable".....until it becomes comfortable. That's the curse and the joy of it. If desperation/expectation (other than courtesy) can be left out of it, there's almost always something worthwhile in it.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2011 at 7:34PM
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vala55

Asolo, you are right. I guess at this stage in my life, I don't want to be uncomfortable so I prefer to avoid the dating game unless like I mentioned before, the man is a friend first.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2011 at 8:24PM
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obbopp

Disgruntled Old Coot huddled within a shanty atop the Ozark Plateau.

I'm over yonder 'cross the holler.

Always despised dating and never possessed a desire for that white fence made of pickets not to suffer a barrage of squawking, screeching tax deductions infesting the place.

Would revel in intelligent discussion with a female but hereabouts, what with so many citizen-sheep reveling in their ignorance backed by an obvious lack of any reading or TV viewing other than the lamest sit-com or broadcast fare aimed at the lowest levels of mind-sets well.........

Hallelujah for the Web that allows one to, in a may, mingle with those possessing at least some or MORE!!! maturity, intelligence, self-awareness, capable of self-reflection and introspection, etc.

And I'm single1111111111111

(hint?)

Here is a link that might be useful: Disgruntled Old Coot

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 12:16PM
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sayhellonow

Soooo -- Are you Scott (aka Santa, aka Quasar)?

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 2:10PM
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obbopp

In an alternate life decades ago a chosen few labeled me with "Quasar" for reasons best left unsaid due to very few civilians ever likely to comprehend the rationale behind the methodology.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2011 at 5:33PM
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sayhellonow

So are you as Webster describes, "one of over a thousand known extragalactic objects, starlike in appearance and having spectra with characteristically large redshifts, that are thought to be the most distant and most luminous objects in the universe?" And to what or whose methodology are you referring?

    Bookmark   December 22, 2011 at 10:20PM
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obbopp

One of the great mysteries of our times that even many years of Zen-like mantra mumbling will allow the seeker to attain enlightenment as to the origination of the "Quasar" nomenclature.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2011 at 8:43AM
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obbopp

"One of the great mysteries of our times that even many years of Zen-like mantra mumbling will NOT allow the seeker to attain enlightenment as to the origination of the "Quasar" nomenclature."

Gotta' remember there is apparently NO edit feature at this message board I frequented several years ago (lawnmower area) and commence proof-reading before posting.

Altering quoted text (thus it is no longer an exact quote) to what should have been written in preceding reply.

At least my nick-name was not the "Mo" one chap had to live with.

The source of his "Navy name" will likely die as the crew members of that era steadily die off.

Most of us the "dregs" of USA society.

It was a far far far different era back then.

Society, culture, institutions-- so many parts of the extremely complex whole that when combined results in a modern industrial first-world nation-state.

Merry Christmas!!!

    Bookmark   December 23, 2011 at 9:01AM
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asolo

Perhaps some sunny day you will explain to us what the hell you're talking about.

Take the pill. It's good for you.

    Bookmark   December 24, 2011 at 7:11PM
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kayjones

LOL, Asolo!!!!! Merry Christmas!

    Bookmark   December 25, 2011 at 10:53AM
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sayhellonow

Amen, amen, and amen.

I've been away, so I'm late in wishing everyone Merry Christmas. I hope it was great for all of you.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2011 at 3:39PM
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kayjones

Asolo, you make my day every time I read your posts - they always make me laugh - thanks! Happy and better New Year to all!

    Bookmark   December 28, 2011 at 5:32PM
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gabbythecat

Sayhellonow - you like to garden, right? Have you ever thought of becoming a Master Gardener? You know, a state extension trained horticulturalist? The training classes tend to be made up mostly of *women*, but you would meet all kinds of *men* in your volunteer work. Also, if it's an activity you enjoy - why not?

I know that I don't really belong in this forum as I'm now married, but I was single for the first 40 years of my life - didn't even date much (couldn't find any decent men), so I feel for you who are single. It was often an incredibly lonely time of life for me.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2012 at 10:00PM
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coolvt

$200 dinners! Wow, you must be meeting some pretty wealthy guys. As I guy I try to meet for coffee or a drink. I dont' mind spending money, but not on someone I don't know. I've met over 200 women (maybe I'm a serial dater:-) and I'd hate to be spending $200 each time I met someone. The last womman I met I planned it for a 2:00 o'clock coffee. I got there and she was having a drink. Over the next hour she had 2 more drinks plus an appetizer. What I thought was going to be a $5.00 meeting turned out to be a $30 meeting. When I saw how she could drink...well, there woundn't be a second meeting;-)

    Bookmark   February 9, 2012 at 4:55PM
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sayhellonow

I have been away for such a long time -- it's not the company. I have been a care-giver for a friend I used to date, who just died of cancer. Which reminds me: Asolo, how is your Mother?

Gladys: Yes, I have been interested in the Master Gardener courses. I actually did that when I lived in Atlanta, but want to do it again because I've moved to the West and gardening is very different out here. I had the good fortune to discover a community garden, and I'm very active in it and serve on the board. I love it!

coolvt: I have dated a few fellas who had no apparent money constraints -- some I met through my profession and a couple of others through a singles group at church. But two of the best guys I've dated were very mainstream economically. I discovered a long time ago that the old saying "Money can't buy happiness" is very, very true. I would rather go to McDonald's with someone I really enjoy being with, then the fanciest place in the country with someone who's boring or otherwise just not for me. I hope you're meeting better prospects than the one you described. Sounds like "good riddance."

    Bookmark   February 11, 2012 at 2:53PM
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kayjones

I agree with your statement to cooltv, 100%, Sayhello! I haven't done any dating since my DH passed away, but IF I were to do so, I would date the man who treated me with respect and didn't put on airs!

    Bookmark   February 12, 2012 at 6:37PM
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sayhellonow

Hi Kay,

You know, I think you should get out there and try it. Dating can be enjoyable. I think I just OD'd on it a bit. Since I posted the question I met a very nice and sincere man who treats me well and is very easy to talk to. David is not the stereotypical "romantic" type, but we seem to see the world the same way -- at least for now. So we'll see what happens. As I've mentioned before, I'm pretty happy where I am. It sounds like you are too.

I've noticed one thing about me, and it is that I seem to look forward to the next day a lot more when there's someone who wants to share it with me.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2012 at 6:19PM
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asolo

@sayhellonow....

Mom's doing well, thanks. Some oxygen saturation anomalies, but responds well to simple management. At this point, medical care is more "art" than science. Stuff happens and you deal. We still have fun every day. She'll be 100 in August. Making plans. The clan will gather.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2012 at 10:41AM
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sayhellonow

@asolo: Once again, kudos to you. It sounds like your positive attitude is premier in caring for her.

What a great occasion for your family to gather in August -- I'm jealous.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2012 at 1:15PM
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willbgoode

I have to agree with Sayhello dating can be a pain and I have so many things going on at home is very hard,but on the other hand there seems to be no other to get with anyone,gotta get out there and try.it's been hard for awhile cause like asolo I am the primary caregiver for my mom,and she needs dialysis 3 times a week,what that means is that I have to drive her & bring her back,approx. 5-6 hrs., tends to put a damper on things. No complaints on my part, just does tend to put a damper on things

    Bookmark   March 19, 2012 at 8:59PM
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silversword

I am loving dating!! I don't go for dinner on the first date. I feed ducks or go bowling or meet at a garden. Then if we like each other, we can go for something after.

A lot less pressure, a lot more fun. You can tell a lot about a person by how they play putt-putt golf :)

    Bookmark   May 3, 2012 at 4:58PM
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sayhellonow

Hi Will. I'm sorry I wasn't around in March when you posted your note. I think it's wonderful of you to take such good care of your Mother. Gotta believe your time for you will come along. In the meantime, maybe you could join a book club. When you're sitting with Mom you could read, and if you get to a meeting or two now and then, at least you'd have some social life. Good luck to you, and keep us posted.

Good for you, Silver. I believe there's something to be said for such casual meetings. But I sure hope no one EVER judges me by the way I play putt-putt. I'm worth a bit more than that.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2012 at 6:47PM
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emma

Silversword...........I like you style, sounds like fun.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2014 at 10:27PM
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So where?
So where does one meet new people? I have tried all...
Linda
Favorite cook for one meals/food shopping tips?
Any favorite meals for one recipes? Also, I am trying...
CindyBelleZ6NJ
Older women, younger men....
I've been recently widowed, and although I would love...
patty_cakes
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