together forever but not under the same roof

gabrielesgardenMay 14, 2008

Who was it on this forum a while back who said they knew a couple who has been together for like 30ish years but never married and didnt even live together?

I wonder how many people successfully do that. I know my mom has a neighbor who has a situation like that with her BF.

I'm so set in my ways and love my home and my space, and likewise with my BF. I often wonder if we would even be able to live together.

I'd love to hear similar stories if they're out there!

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sayhellonow

I was in that situation for four years and am considering going back into it. Like you, I love my home and my own space. One of the men here said there is someone for everyone. I'd like to think that "happily ever after" would be something to aspire to for me (meaning marriage again), but it seems very elusive. The together-but-separate feels a lot safer.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 4:12PM
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kayjones

Gabriel, that would have been my friend, Pat, and her boyfriend, Fred. They are upper-crust citizens, both own ritzy homes, and are as happy as clams. They get together whenever they want, travel when they want - whatever. She goes on trips without him, he does the same. She lives her life and he lives his - going on 34 years now.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 6:49PM
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asolo

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. "

Katharine Hepburn

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 7:02PM
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gneegirl

asolo - you are so on it with your comments! I know Hepburn said it, but it sounds like something you would say.

I kinda have to agree with you and Hepburn. The fact that gabrielsgarden started this thread makes me think I'm not the only one. And, better said, "hello" hit it - it does sound safer. Jo - your friends have kinda proven it too. But, I guess in that lifestyle, it could work. You gotta pay to play. When you can swing in those circles, you probably have enough to pay when you have to play "alone". I think we all aspire to be in that position - even though we all wouldn't necesarily want to live that way, i.e., some may actually want to get married. At least we probably would have more options. Although that doesn't necessarily make one happy all the time, it may help. I'm glad that it's working for your friends though - sounds fun and emotionally healthy!!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 8:23PM
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kayjones

Mary, you are right - it probably isn't what makes them happy, but they make it work.

I loved being married - romance whenever I wanted it, someone intelligent to talk to, someone to nurture and someone to nurture me, someone to do lots of fun things with - all that stopped when he became ill.

Gary and I were just made for each other, it seemed, and I totally miss him and the fun we shared. I don't believe I will ever be able to find that take-your-breath-away-after-20 years romance again!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 8:50PM
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gneegirl

I hear ya Jo - my friend that passed away a couple of years ago, and I had that. I think the term "soul-mate" was made for us. But we weren't "together" so to speak; just very close and we just seemed to click, as they say. We didn't do all that romantic stuff but it was more the "little" things, like sharing life. I think back about something and although not thinking about him, it dawns on me that he was there with me when that happened, or the other thing happend. He was the only person that I would go with, to my daughter's gravesite. It was like having someone around but yet, being so much as one that it was like not really having anyone else there. Something deeply special about that. My ex and I can't say that; I don't think we ever had that soulful enjoyment. Funny though, I think it's coming - SCARRY!! It's almost as though we now have the time to begin to enjoy life and each other - grow old together. Right now though, there's only one rocking chair in this house!!!

Anyway, as I always say to you, hang in there. The sobbing will turn to teardrops and the teardrops will turn to warm smiles filled with wonderful memories that you can enjoy (without the tears) - you can go to the bank on that one!!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2008 at 11:06PM
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sayhellonow

I don't think Hepburn's philosophy is right for everyone, although it seemed to work for her and Spencer Tracy. The comment about living next door and just visiting now and then seems to me to be devoid of the true intimacy that is necessary, and is developed in, lasting relationships. I'm not talking about sex. It's the building of a life together -- making a home together, sharing life experiences (problems as well as good times) mutual friends and combined families, and sometimes with children, that the best relationships seem to have in common.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2008 at 5:40PM
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gabrielesgarden

"Hello" I hear what you're saying. I believe in marriage, but not the kind that you go into with the attitude of "if it doesnt work out we'll just get a divorce". It seems there are too many divorces anymore and the value of marriage as it should be is so rare. I would love to have that kind of marriage but I dont know if i have it in me. I failed at my first one of 17 years. I already built a home with someone and lost it, now I've built a new home for myself. I dont want to lose this one to someone else. I've already had children, there will be no more. We can still build a life together and share experiences together etc. We have our overnight visits at each others houses and out of town together, there is plenty of intimacy between us, and I'm not talking about just sex either, I know what you mean.

I'm sure it certainly takes two people who want the same thing for it to work just as it does in any relationship or marriage. As soon as someone wants something different and the other doesnt, the whole thing changes.

Gneegirl, it sounds like your situation was more like a best friend of the opposite sex, not a love/sex relationship...is that right?

Kayjones, do Pat and Fred have the love/sex/monogomous relationship?

I actually have fantasies about my boyfriend buying the house next door...it's for sale...but 1 year together is way too soon for him to be living so close.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2008 at 9:18AM
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kayjones

Yes, Pat and Fred are 'lovers', but firstly, they are best friends, respectful of each other - that's the key - respect!

    Bookmark   May 16, 2008 at 12:58PM
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terrig_2007

My mom and her BF maintain their own homes and have dated for five years now. I know they'll never get married, and I really don't see them ever living together either. They both like their houses and like having room when their grown children come to visit.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2008 at 4:21PM
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