Question About Public Records and...

sayhellonowMay 20, 2008

My neighbor's boyfriend told her he has been out of touch for several reasons. One of the reasons is that a child in his family died and he's spending a lot of time with his family. She is just beside herself because she hasn't heard from him for more than two weeks. I believe the writing is on the wall and, if I were in her shoes I would give up. But I'm not, so I agreed to do this one thing to try to help her.

Mary (not her name) asked me if I would try to find out whether the relative really did die (she doesn't know how to use the Internet). In her mind, that would answer the question about where Jim is really spending his time and whether he's lying to her. So -- does anyone know how/where I could get access to public records to find out if this child really died? I know his name, the city where he lived and the the name of the hospital and county where he supposedly died.

Thanks everyone.

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mimi_boo

You can try a couple of things. One is to just google the information you have and see what pops up. I have found out information this way, often linked to the online newspaper in his hometown.

The second way is to go to www.legacy.com. You can search for many obituaries in dozens of newspapers here.

Lastly, you can always check for the social security death record. The government's site is free but often a google search will bring up 'pay only' sites.

I can sympathize with your waryness - I found out a guy I had been dating lied about the same thing - said his sister died.

Let me know if you need help searching.
Barbara

Here is a link that might be useful: Legacy Site

    Bookmark   May 20, 2008 at 2:50PM
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asolo

"I know his name, the city where he lived and the the name of the hospital and county where he supposedly died."

This is a telephone-job. It's a public record, certainly, and will likely be net-discoverable....eventually. Inasmuch as its a recent event, you may not find it there this soon after the event. Oftentimes weeks/months go by before web-sites are updated. I would telephone appropriate city and/or county office and just ask them. They would have the record right away. I believe such authorities are required to record every death within their jurisdiction.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2008 at 3:01PM
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sayhellonow

Thank you Barb and asolo!

    Bookmark   May 20, 2008 at 4:09PM
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highcenter

The above is true except that it would have run in a newspaper and therefore if you will at the obits in the local newspaper it should be in there.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 7:41AM
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kayjones

Deb, I would say that if she doesn't trust him and his word, she should just give him her condolences and get out of his life! I wouldn't bother 'checking up' on him.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 9:34AM
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Gerry1117

Seems to me it was strange he should wait over 2 weeks to contact her. Even if he had felt he needed to be with his family he could have called from their place to let her know about it. I, too, suspect there is more to this story than meets the eye.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 10:07AM
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sayhellonow

I have to agree with all of you. I wouldn't give this guy a second (nice) thought if it were me. But this gal just keeps making excuses for him. She is basically very honest herself and I think she has a tendency to believe everyone else is honest too. She sent him three text messages yesterday, after not hearing from him for more than two weeks (maybe even three at this point). She keeps saying that his cell phone is probably damaged, and that he doesn't remember phone numbers, etc. I finally told her, "If you want to be the kind of person who trusts, that's great. But he may be choosing to be un-trustworthy."

kayjones: Do you think I'm Deb?

Highcenter and all: Do the newspapers have to publish all of the obits? If so, then we have definitely caught his lie because it has not been published to date, and the death (I learned last night) was a month ago.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 10:29AM
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kayjones

Say, I have a note with the name Deb beside your handle -may have misunderstood your name - sorry! I will just call you 'Say'!

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 11:42AM
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sayhellonow

Funny. I don't know how I did that, but wouldn't put it past me - lol.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 11:45AM
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asolo

Not all obits and death notices are published in newspapers -- and if they are published, may not be in the one you're looking at. I would not consider the absence of this one as evidence of anything in particular.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 7:27PM
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kayjones

Say, the note was handwritten by ME, not from you. Don't ask me where I got that name - I'm old, therefore concessions will be made for my state of mind at any given time!

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 8:47PM
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highcenter

Agree with asolo, not a 100% mandatory thing to have all published; however, if the family was that close they would have done it. Depending on the community even people without families may have them published.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2008 at 10:43PM
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jayokie

His 'excuse' is full of holes, IMO. BUT not every family publishes an obit so the absence of one in the paper isn't a concrete clue. (a HS classmate was killed in a car wreck a few years ago; her & her family's religious beliefs did not agree with obits)

Make a call to a local funeral home..."I've just been told xxxx passed away. Before I send a note to the family, can you confirm it for me?" If there's more than one funeral home in the town, the one you call will (a) say yes/no we had services (b) depending on size of town & temperment of person you're speaking with, they may tell you "we did not have that service, but "YYY did OR you might check with YYY" Keep at it....you'll get it confirmed IF it happened in that particular town (& not a neighboring town's funeral home)

    Bookmark   May 22, 2008 at 1:12PM
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sayhellonow

Good advice, jayokie. And I certainly agree with you about his "excuse." I don't know why she keeps defending him and making excuses for him. The baby supposedly died an entire MONTH AGO now (I had thought it was two-three weeks). And she's still saying things like, "I think his cell phone was damaged and that's why he can't call me." She even says she thinks he's still out of state with his son's family. Gimme a break: after a month?

Anyway, I think she's finally getting the message. She only sent him three text messages Tuesday and then none yesterday after I gave her a verbal "shoulder shake" and telling her to wake up! Egads! She even told me to stop talking about the obit/death notices of the baby now, so maybe it's sinking in.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2008 at 1:30PM
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kayjones

Say, we are here if you need to talk.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2008 at 2:05PM
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asolo

"50 ways to leave your lover...." as the title of the old song said.

Looks like Jim chose one. If not, and he shows up again clean as a whistle, the discourtesy he's shown all by itself would be enough to be rid of him. Unless he's been injured and comatose himself for the last few weeks, this guy needs to be history. Time to move on.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2008 at 5:20PM
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sayhellonow

I couldn't agree more, A.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2008 at 10:13AM
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