Are you OK, alone?

gneegirlApril 21, 2008

OK, I know we've all talked about it to some degree here, but thought this would spark some new ideas. So, are you OK with being alone? I'm sure if given choices, we would pick "alone" and "hitched", because there are advantages/disadvantages to each. On a pro / con basis what do you think.

My pros:

* Not being alone all the time

* Having "help" with the fixes without hiring someone

* Companionship

* Financial assistance

* Sharing your day

* I don't have kids around now, but it's nice if you do, to have another person to help with EVERYTHING

* Stability in a relationship

* Someone else around when the stairs creak

My cons:

* Not being alone when you want to be

* Space invasion

* Finances (someone else's or someone else not able to pull their share)

* Sharing someone else's day when you don't feel like it

* disagreement on raising the kids or only one parent does while the other parent could care less (is a child too!)

* Committment on a prolonged basis

* Someone under foot all the time

OK, guess what - we have GW/TSL Forum to fix all the pros and cons.

Anyway, what do ya think your pros and cons are? And, would you rather deal with your pros or stay single because of your cons?

Just curious...


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Mary, I adored being Gary's wife, FOR THE MOST PART! I would say that having the quality entities were GREAT, but having the negative entities were the pits! I was divorced 25 years before I agreed to marry Gary. I had times when I wished I hadn't gotten married again (he was a heavy drinker), but MOST of the time, it was everything I could hope for. I miss his loving more than I can convey - he either made my life heaven or hell, depending on the mood of each of us on any given day. I would say the benefits of marriage out-weigh being single!

    Bookmark   April 21, 2008 at 7:38PM
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I agree on that one Jo!! My ex STIll tells me that he considers us still married because I am who he vowed to be with 'til death... I KNOW, if it wasn't for the fact that I've seen the "bad", I would go back in a heartbeat. But, since I know, I'm not sure if I'm ready to decide to re-take up the "bad" stuff. I'm just not sure I like this being alone all the time. It's nice to wake up and have someone to say good morning to. I guess that's the reason for the thread. I really think that if we really had to choose, we'd pretty much have a hard time saying one or the other, even with picking the "perfect" mate. Isn't that "can't live with 'em; can't live without em"?

Still curious...


    Bookmark   April 21, 2008 at 8:51PM
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Mary, I think you're right about 'with and without...'. Hey, you can move to Florida with me, we will get a duplex - you live in one side, I'll live in the other, and every morning, I will say 'GOOD MORNING' to you!

The day is coming, in the not-so-distant future, when we WILL have to share an abode with someone else - it will be too costly to live in separate quarters. EVERYONE will have to have a roommate just to survive the cost of living!

    Bookmark   April 21, 2008 at 9:10PM
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Unfortunately I think you are right! I am not a loner for sure but to think that I would HAVE to share a space is really not my idea of the good life. It's nice to have friends, even close ones that stop by every day, but living with them is entirely different - OK, except for my GW friends - thanks for the offer. We can visit...

    Bookmark   April 21, 2008 at 10:18PM
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Hey you two! I prefer to be married, and believe with the right mate, the pros would outweigh the cons.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 8:51AM
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Eloise, that's EXACTLY what Mary and I both said - the trick is to find that 'great mate'. Marriage is a two-way street, and unfortunately, it seems couples tend to go the opposite direction on that street, and eventually end up hitting each other head-on! LOL

I was grateful for my first marriage, because I have three wonderful sons - nothing like their father.

I am grateful for my second marriage, because Gary was a wonderful father, husband, lover and companion when he wasn't drunk and angry. I miss him more than anyone can imagine, and would continue to live through those difficult times in a heartbeat, if I could hold him again! I stood by him through thick and thin, and would do so again, given the opportunity!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 3:31PM
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Eloise - Hey there!!!

I prefer marriage for sure, and actually think, I'm ready again. Now I just hope someone else is ready too - who, who, who?????? THAT'S the million dollar question - who, and where the heck are you????

I've been pretty shy about marriage lately because although I had the PERFECT person as a husband, he wasn't the perfect companion. Now I'm sure he is but I just can't swallow those less than happy times just yet. The other thing, I don't want to be a wife anymore - too late for that. While I have no problem doing and caring, I don't want to have to do those same things that I used to do that I now consider chores - like preparing dinner every night kinda stuff. I guess I could get used to it again, but it sure is hard thinking about getting back into that ratrace. We had a business and I KNOW that he wants me to manage a lot of the business side of things. I DO NOT want to get back into that. There was ALWAYS something and it was so stressful. Plus we never had time to develop a relationship that would be strong enough to overcome any bad times - like when we weren't getting paid!! I was super supportive with the business but the stress was so much that he never realized it until I was gone. Oh well, maybe one day he'll think he's had enough and will retire or do something else for a living. That would be a good thing because he works too darn hard now - time to calm down some.

ANYWAY, just glad to hear from ya Eloise! I guess we are still the boring TSL Forum and no one else want's to hang out with us. Oh well...

see ya - gng

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 8:08PM
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Mary, I feel responsible, to a degree, for the lack of activity on this forum - I tell it as I see it, and many folks would rather look at issues through rose-colored glasses. I do not appologize for debating issues!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 8:24PM
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don't worry about that part Jo. We all have opinions. Some of us are just more persitant than others. OK, not talking just about you. I think too, there is a generational thing as well as a tendancy to "mope" sometimes. But what the heck do we talk about? Maybe we could compare notes on something besides our daily routines. "hello" started something good with her post about her party. That was fun. If we talked about how not to be single any longer - best and worst pick-up lines, the best places to meet someone (which we have), or our last bad relationship (in our case, men-bashing), that would be more interesting. But, you and I know that all of us aren't single by our own choice, such in your case and Eloise's also. So I'm sure you two, especialy won't be doing the "men-bashing" thing. Maybe if we touched a little less on the more controversial subjects and more on the places that singles could go, or have visited or things along those lines, maybe we would be more popular.
There are other forums here that are more like our CS thread. I think that's about our speed. Most other issues tend to become overly boring or just a tad bit too elevated. I think the good part is that here, we are all pretty much single, and we share in whatever good or bad that means to each of us. As I said, the other Forums have "discussions" but you hear more about the kids and hubbys too. We can also share some of our upbeat moments with a new beau or the details of a hot date, and someone here would care differently than those of our "hitched" friends.
I would relish some discussions on things singles do. I'm tired of being in the house when I'm not at work. And I'm tired of doing things alone ALL THE TIME. I know we tried that but it died some time ago. Maybe someone could chime with some new ideas.

I bet that a lot of people come here with a different expectation than what they find. Again though, being single, we are often alone. This Forum allows us to cut down on some of the lonliness of being alone, and gives us the opportunity to just want to shoot the breeze so to speak, with someone (thing) besides a wall.

Keep smiling - that way your chin is always up!!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2008 at 9:54PM
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Hi Jo and gng,

Hmmm, let me see. Jo, you shouldn't feel responsible for the lack of action on any site. I for one don't post on hardly any of them because either the topic doesn't interest me, or because comments on a particular topic piss me off "when they don't agree with my way of thinking" LOL, so it's best for me not to post! As for 'rose-colored glasses', I think that is a matter of interpretation, e.g., in politics, when I see others follow a liberal as if their rhetoric is the gospel truth,I think they are seeing things through 'rose-colored glasses'. Others might think I see things with 'rose-colored glasses'. See what I mean?

Definitely would not post on a men-bashing one. Especially when there are a lot of women who can also be dogs!

It's hard to please everyone and so all we can do is post when we feel like it. If no one finds that of interest, then on to the next post.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2008 at 2:15PM
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I could not participate in a 'male bashing' thread, either, except to reiterate that I LOVE the male species!

    Bookmark   April 23, 2008 at 2:28PM
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Ditto, Jo!

Smiling because of bookworm's post. A happy way to be single. Take a look.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 8:59PM
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Mary, I did read it - I just wish I could have had a choice in whether to be single or not.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 10:16AM
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Hi Jo -

I'm so PO'd right now because I had written such an eloquent response to your last post and then my computer crashed - YUK. Anyway, I will try to pull it together and post it. But either way, keep on hanging in there. You're doing great. I'm happy for both you and bookworm.

...will post later.


    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 8:40PM
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Mary, do you have Office or Microsoft Word on your computer? I found out, long ago, that if you type your responses in one of these, and your computer crashes, you won't likely lose it.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 8:51PM
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I think I am "too" ok with being alone. I have found that I've become very selfish with my time. When I was in the four-year relationship, I had to be with him all of my time not at work. While I really enjoyed his company for the most part, there were times when I just wanted to be alone. And now that it's over, I find myself wanting to "catch up" on myself -- the stack of books I want to read, the water sport I enjoy and he would't take part in, the classes I want to take, etc., etc., etc.,

I do plan to have a coming out party, but right now I just can't seem to come out. It has only been four months, so I will give myself some more time. Warm weather will help, if we ever get it that is.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2008 at 12:30PM
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Thank Jo, for the tip. I'm going to try that.

"hello", no such thing as being "too" OK with being alone. You were in a relationship for 4 years which is a very long time. You probably need the time to catch up with yourself - to read and enjoy the activities that you haven't been able to enjoy. You have the "freedom" to explore all of those tings and more, and to meet others with common interests. That's not to say that you would only meet other men. One of my previous posts I mentioned having a few "girlfriends" over and maybe a few guys just to mix things up a bit. Don't try to "come out" big. Life will lead you to the "big". Besides, you don't want to end up breaking your heart or someone else's if you aren't ready to begin that new journey. As you relax a little and become familiar with "you" again, it will come to you when you are ready. Have some fun and settle in with you. As they say, the rest will come. I was with my husband for 21 years and divorced after a total of 26 years. Talk about a new life!!! It has been more than 10 years now and even after that long break, I still think I would be OK in another relationship. I've just gotten in a rut and don't put myself out there. So like I said, take the break - enjoy yourself. You'll find yourself and maybe even someone new (when you are ready).

    Bookmark   April 28, 2008 at 10:07PM
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Thank you, gneegirl, for the encouragement. A couple of fellas have made some subtle hints about dates, but I just can't get interested. Like you said, I don't want to encourage anyone right now because I have little, if anything, to give to another person. I do need to make some friends, and I'm thinking I may do as you suggested and just start with girlfriends. I live in a condominium and there are several gals my age in adjacent buildings. Hey -- you've started me thinking about a "breakfast club" -- Saturday morning once a month, rotating in each other's homes. Maybe that could ease me into "coming out."

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 5:31PM
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You are welcome "hello". Breakfasts are always nice. They encourage a sisterhood that often last a lifetime and even through generations. People don't do things anymore other than hurry to this and hurry to that. I remember when I was young, my parents had a group of close friends - mostly couples, that got together pretty frequently, just to lightly enjoy life. I found out after I was a parent myself that the mothers in the bunch would often swap kids on Saturdays just so they could have a free time to clean house, run errands, etc. Gee, and I thought it was becasue I asked for a sleepover!!

You may miss a good date every once in a while, but you know what, if it's meant to be, the opportunity will come around again, becasue it was meant to be. So don't worry about turning down a date or two. Besides, that will give you the chance to practice with setting your own limits for yourself. Yes, as I've said elsewhere here, we are the nurturers and want to give and take care of, etc. And that's OK, but not at the expense of yourself. It 's called a 2-way steet. Until we learn to drive on one, we will always be subject to the someone else's wants, needs, values, and all that other garbage. It's OK to do these things, but when you are just getting out of a relationship, you may need to cave in and accept the comfort of being needed without really taking the time to express your expectations.

Anyway, hope all works out with the breakfast!!


    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 7:29PM
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Thanks gng. I'll post some pics -- IF I really get around to "coming out," that is. LOL. I can't even take my own advice sometimes.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 12:59PM
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Thanks -

Just remember, "coming out" is a lot of hype when you think of it as "letting people know you are available". I think you are already coming out. You just have to get used to it, and then everyone who counts - maybe someone new, will know too. It's all in your thoughts and actions vs. your shouting it to the world.

Have fun and definitely post pics!

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 7:23PM
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