why can't i find anyone out there

lonelysam4296April 8, 2010

So I am a young man only about to turn nineteen and for some reason I have seemed to mature mentally at an early age I am not saying I am a mature full grown adult because I am not. I feel connections with people on different levels and always have and I can't explain it but when it comes to women I understand them so well but can never make it last. If you know anything I can do to try and find somebody out there who will just be themselves and help me do the same please don't hold back. I am lonely and find myself depressed a lot because I feel secluded from those aroung me. I just want somebody to love and hold.

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"I am lonely and find myself depressed a lot because I feel secluded from those aroung me."

Welcome to 19-year-old male-ness. Your numbers are legion...just like they were when I was 19. You're describing me and 1/2 the people I knew at that age. There are four "secrets" to changing it:

1) Screw depression. You're normal as can be.

2) Be -- and become -- the best person you can imagine for yourself. This is 100% yours. Your the only one who can develop yourself. Although the book is really old, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" remains quite current in terms of behaviors that work all the time, as do the Carnegie courses. Human nature is somewhat constant. If you're feeling like you're not "getting it" socially, here's one good place to find your clues. Most people find a lot of themselves in there -- and usually some things that need changing. It'll tell you how to do it.

3) Get out among other people as often as you can -- situations where you're not gathered because you're on the make but because you're doing something together. It will allow others to observe your behavior and find out who your are and what's attractive about you. At least once a week. People will learn that you exist and that there are interesting things about you. Join something with people of both sexes in it. Over time, magic happens.

4) Give it time to work. Just do it. I will work. You'll develop yourself, like yourself better, and others will come to know you and like you. Some won't but many will. All this will happen for you eventually anyway, but you can cut years off the process. It's the same for most of us. You've got a head start by realizing what you want and not allowing your ego to be a barrier to learning about how to obtain it.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 5:31PM
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Thank you asolo I actually will look into that book.
I know who I want to be and the steps I need to get there the problem with just forgetting my depression isn't that easy when I feel so alone. The funny part is I am not alone at all I get girls I have friends but for some reason I still feel away from them.
Ok so I got a mans perspective how about you ladies any advice?

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 8:52PM
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Hello lonelysam,
when I was 19 I fell in love with someone who was also 19 and it was really special. We almost got married but he broke up the relationship... long story short, it took me a long time to forget him as the love of my life and part of it was because I was 19 !!! The part that made us became friends after many years later it was because neither of us ever lied to each other. We were good kids back them and good adults now a days.
So, in addition to asolo's advice (I am wondering if he's e therapist of some kind ) I only have to add. Have healthy fun, enjoy your age and always be true to yourself and to people around you and most of all to people you care.
Hope you find what you are looking for and much more...

    Bookmark   April 8, 2010 at 9:41PM
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Finding someone you can love and hold is easy. Making it last is a little harder. I'm female, and if I had to go back to 19 I'd work on myself a little more and worry about love a little less. When you are doing what you love you will meet others who are in similar places in their lives. I'm a very different person now than I was 10 years ago and my considerations for boyfriends has changed quite a bit. None of those I dated back then would ever be anything but a friend now.

Learn about you. Like yourself. Find something you enjoy and do it/practice it/learn it. You have plenty of time for lasting romance.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 10:10AM
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Thank you all for the good advice but here are some other issuses you lovely members might be able to systematically break down for me. I want a person to love and hold because of the many things in life that I lack such as money, positive attitude on all aspects, etc... I know I am a good looking young man everywhere I go I hear it and I have no problem with the ladies like I said before but I guess its time to admit that I am just embarrassed by what I have to offer which feels like nothing.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 12:07PM
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The attitude part is your problem. Need to work on that. Nobody is attracted to needy mopers/whiners. Everybody likes upbeat people who are interested in things and moving themselves ahead confidently. And I know that "confidence" thing is hard sometimes.

Nobody at 18/19 has money unless their parents see that they do. Food, clothing, shelter, transportation are basic. Everything else is gravy. At your age, the typical scenarios are school or work or some balance of both. If you don't have mom & dad, scholarships, financial aid, or a job you'll have to set your priorities and get something going.

Be clean, pleasant, positive and develop yourself. Get around other people. People your age typically don't have money. They're just doing what they can while they develop themselves -- just like you. This is the age when everybody is doing that. At this age, what you have to "offer" is the kind of person you are and what you're on your way to becoming.

Like you, I didn't have a girlfriend at that age either -- and I wanted one badly. In that way, I can easily relate. Seemed to me everybody else had a girlfriend while I didn't. I was somewhat socially inept. That's how I know the "program" I suggested works. It was up to me....just like its up to you. Be the best you can be and keep on growing. Get around other people your age in respectable environments. You'll be amazed.

None of this will happen by tomorrow -- you're a work in progress. But it will happen if you keep your young head screwed on straight.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 12:27PM
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Honey, no matter how cute you are, if you don't have confidence and a good attitude you aren't going to hold my attention for long as a partner. Money comes and goes. Personality doesn't.

I can understand being lonely, and I'm sorry you have those feelings. Listen to Asolo... he's on the right track.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2010 at 2:05PM
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