cheating

zekeMarch 3, 2005

Maybe i am opening a can of worms ,by posting this question

but i was looking at the Marriage forum and a thread got me thinking about this .

why is it sometimes that after two people for 10 or so years

one spouse will have a extra-marital affair when everything will appear to be okay on the outside ??

Zeke

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Tinmantu

So many factors that can lead up to it happening....it could be that the mother is expected to raise the children and gets no help and grows weary....could be that the husband comes home to the mother and doesn't understand why she is too tired...With childless couples, it can be a matter of getting into a routine and taking each other for granted...I could go on with a half dozen other scenarios, but the bottom line is that if you want a relationship to work then BOTH have to put in equal time..If one's not willing, then eventually somone is going to get tired of trying and look elsewhere.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2005 at 10:33PM
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lpinkmountain

Also, APPEARANCES are not always the whole story. Many people appear to be fine but are repressing or bottling up issues, etc. Also, sometimes if there is no hope of ever resolving a problem people just give up and say, "I'm fine." At least an arguing couple is communicating to some extent. I have learned the hard way that all that glitters is not gold. Plus, darnit, I think fidelity is mighty difficult. Not impossible mind you, but humans can slip, we're not infallible. A lot of people go into denial when there is a problem, then they become susceptible to distractions. So anyway, I'm a firm believer that the appearance of no problems is not necessarily the reality of no problems, you know, the Wizard of Oz syndrome. But I'm kinda paranoid.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2005 at 11:06PM
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zeke

the wizard of oz sydrome , is that like standing behind a curtain ??
Zeke

    Bookmark   March 4, 2005 at 6:43PM
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Wings2W

I've read, 7th, 10th and the year after children leave home appear to be the hardest. If marriage was as involved and expensive as divorce there would be a fewer marriages.

I've learned many lessons in my lifetime. Honest communication stands out in any type of relationship. It takes two and a lot of hard work.

Wing

    Bookmark   March 5, 2005 at 5:51PM
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Tinmantu

True those are rough periods Wings, but there are others that don't even have a direct relationship between the couple.....depression from the death of a parent that a spouse can't get over, coupled with a premature hysterectomy that makes a woman feel worth less (not worthless) to a relationship and in order to feel better they go shopping, but the high just lasts a little while. And yes I lived that experience, tried to encourage and tried counseling to make it work. It didn't...she's now in another tough marriage, already had to turn her hubby in for dealing crack and THEN went back to him because she had no other option and they declared bankruptcy...someday I AM going to write a book.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2005 at 6:45PM
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joulesR4me

No comment on the cheating thing specifically ... but I have recently "browsed" on the marriage forum too - just to see what they're talking about. Scary. I think the issues discussed there influence my thinking more than this one ever ... Glad to know I'm not the only single listeneing to what the married people talk about. I've been there - but it's been long enough to forget all the concerns ....if you get my drift.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 12:23AM
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Wings2W

I'll buy your book Tinman. Maybe we all could have a chapter. You'd have to list it as fiction of course. ;)

Actually, those things you mentioned do have a direct relationship. Many times what is important to one person isn't necessarily important to the other and difficult for them to understand. This lack of understanding isn't because they don't care...we are all very different people and have different wants and needs. Outside influences are internalized differently with each and every individual. With added physical problems the mountains can become insurmountable. If one's Higher Power was counseling
it wouldn't help. We are only human and reach that plateau where there isn't anything else to give. We've depleted our external/internal resources. Self survival is our strongest instinct.

The Marriage Board...........EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
I usually check into the Garden Junk to see what things they have come up with now. Sad to say, the MB is a place we can visit to regain our strength and convictions as outsiders. Being *alone* isn't so bad.

Wing

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 4:53AM
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Tinmantu

I had never checked out the marriage board until just now, myself....after reading for a few minutes I have come to one conclusion.

I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....I'm glad I'm not married.....

    Bookmark   March 6, 2005 at 2:39PM
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zeke

well at least you didnt put the NEVER word in the above :-).
Zeke

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 10:25PM
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chinacat_sunflower

1) agree that appearances are decieveing
2) some people think a 'once in a lifetime chance' is worth wrecking something it takes a lifetime to build
3) face it- we've lost all sight of such concepts as sin, and shame...if they ever served their purported purpose in the first place (remember, the whole concept of chivalry and courtly love was a desperate attempt to stem the tide of culture that had turned sneaking and cheating into a competative sport of the nobility)

the people who think that right and wrong actually matter- don't cheat. we'd rather get into an arguement about polyfidelity.

    Bookmark   March 18, 2005 at 10:26AM
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tuanh

i watch DESPERATE HOUSE WIFE just to understand how marriage life is, and it seem very complicate (i know tv show can be misleading)but to certain extend i think it had a real life story behind it.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2005 at 12:06PM
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