when 'just friends' means just that...

darkeyedgirlMarch 1, 2003

I am newly back on the single market after breaking up with my boyfriend. It's only been like, a month. I totally prefer singledom and have vowed to NOT involve ANY MAN other than my best friend (male) and her father, in my DD's life. Period.

So I get a call from the guy who sold me my car last year on my 30th birthday (a yr ago, I have a bday coming up!). I have been in touch with this guy for over a year now, well he found me my "dream car" and he stayed in touch mainly to ask for more business to be sent his way (or so I thought).

Turns out he just called me again to "check up on the car and on me" and he said he learned I was single again. He then asked me out on a date.

I said no.

I told him I'm far from ready. I guess I feel comfortable enough with this guy, enough to be honest, I feel like I know him because of all the conversations leading up to the car purchase and then all the follow up calls he made. Nice guy and he's a looker, but I have zero-interest in dating right now.

So he asked if he "showed up" at one of the gigs my band plays at ... would I dance with him? Talk to him? Hang with him? I said yes. But, drive separate, I pay my stuff you pay yours, we part ways end of the night, etc.

(He knew months ago about the band and my desire for dancing (he dances, too) because I talk about music a lot.)

So he is planning on showing up at the gigs, etc. and we will "hang out".

I'm just really really afraid that "friends only" won't fall on his ears. Too many times guys have been pushy or downright egotistical in thinking they can "make me" be with them or push me their way. Change my thinking. It only pushes me away. I'm fiercely independent and when someone tries to "take me", it makes go the other way.

I really want to hang out with the Toyota salesguy, he seems REALLY fun, especially after Mr. Boring who I just dumped. Me and the salesguy could have a blast. But that is all I want; to hang out and have fun. None of the pain of relationships.

Guys, if a woman (who is vibrant and fun) dances with you and hangs out with you, talks your head off, shares her available time with you.. says "friends only"... do you listen, or do you press-on until she caves?

- darkeyedgirl

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Well, have fun, be friends, and if he does push, push back! You have been honest from the beginning.

If he's smart, and values you, he will wait until you are ready.


    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 9:23AM
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but "waiting" is "hoping" and puts pressure on a friendship.

I can remember losing guys I thought were friends when they started dating someone else and dropped me like a hot potato.

it is a delimma. I would like to know how the guys see this. There seems to be a line between "being friends" and "leading someone on" that men and women view differently

    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 10:02AM
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Yeah I guess I would love to hear from the dudes on this board, I'm glad you gals know what I'm talking about.

I have had male friends all of my life, as far back as I can remember. I'm not manly or sporty at all but I just get along better with men and since I like the great outdoors and cars, that might be a few reasons, who knows.

Anyhooie I do not want to lead Jim on, he is so nice, I already told him my stance and that I 'need a break from dating' but I'm all for hanging out and having a ball together!

Guys? Your input? I know there are men on this board...

- darkeyedgirl

p.s. March 8th is the night we are going out, well I mean "meeting at a public place with a group". And hanging out.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 4:33PM
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I don't think you should make any hard and fast rules, but rather just go with the flow, let things happen as they will. We don't have a crystal ball, but you might well be pushing away a life-time of happiness with someone very special. The best relationships begin with friendship, and develop from there, but throwing friendship in this guy's face as you seem to be doing just might turn him off even that. Lighten up and give yourself time to get over your previous relationship, then give this guy a chance to prove himself to you without you being quite so heavy-handed!

    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 4:40PM
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I am not a man. But, why oh why do I see something here no one else has said? Sorry if this offends you. This guy used your personal info from when he sold you a car, to call you under the guise of business? Did you tell him this was okay? And even though you were involved with another person and encouraged it...That scares me. I would have reported it to the dealership. I would call it stalking. And so now his technique of this kind of unsavory behaviour has worked. Wonder how many before has had his special attention?

    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 4:48PM
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No he didn't use my personal info! This guy had my email addy and work number. My home phone number is and has been, unlisted and private. He only called once a month 'or so' and in all honesty I emailed him every time I did something different to the car.

I have done a whole lot to it, it's been a project of mine over the year. Every time I did something (new wheels, paint job, etc.) I'd send him photos.

We talked a whole lot during the 3 months it took to find my Celica. Because I knew what I wanted and he was the only salesperson in this area who gave a hoot to find it.

I didn't encourage anything. I ran into him at the gym that I used to work out at until a month ago. It was then that he asked my ex-bf, who still goes to the gym, where's Steph been, I haven't seen her here? And that is how he learned we split.

So no it's not stalking. Running into him every time I went to the gym for the past 6 months was coincidence, we went alot and so did he.

Re: what Daisyduck said about friendship... yeah I know I don't want to push anything away that might turn out to be a good thing. I just don't want him around my kid is all and I have her 90% of the time. Of course I already told him the reasons.

So leave it at, "friends and maybe more ... if?"...

back to my pot of coffee I go...

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   March 2, 2003 at 8:06AM
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I'm not sure why you don't want any men other than the two you have mentioned around your DD. I can understand that you wouldn't want to have a succession of different men around her, but if this guy becomes a nice friend (whether or not it looks like developing into anything else), wouldn't it be a good thing to introduce them to each other, just as friends? Children need to have positive role models in each gender or they don't know enough to discriminate against the bad ones in later life. I would think your DD needs to know how good men behave (whether it is this man or someone else) and a sample group of two is kind of narrow.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2003 at 5:22AM
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I'm judging by experience. Most of the men I do date, hate my daughter. Really. The last one? Told her to her face that he couldn't stand her, hated kids, and thought she deserved "nothing" in life. So you see, I'm getting sick of the guys being sweet on me and then when they meet my DD, treating her like a disease.

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   March 4, 2003 at 8:30AM
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You're in a sticky situation there sister. Any single parent - of a young child - trying to date has got to be tough. I can understand your frustration. Guys can be real jerks sometimes.

Just friends eh? For most guys that won't even register. Not saying Jim is like most guys. He very well may be the exception, but, if there is any romantic interest on his part you may be setting yourself up. We like to win the affection of a woman. He'll probably try to do this and, unless you shut him down form jump street, he's gonna' keep knockin' himself out until you let him in or he excuses himself completely. If the latter, you will have lost even the relationship you have now.

I agree with Daisy, just let things evolve as they may. And if you ARE interested you can still maintain a level of control by continuing to meet in neutral places and doing the "I pay for me, you pay for you" thing.

Just one guy's take

    Bookmark   March 4, 2003 at 1:14PM
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I've been single for a gazillion years and have many male friends, as a matter of fact my four best friends are guys. Whether or not you can become friends with this guy depends completely on his character. Some guys are comfortable with the concept of female friends, some are not. Any guy worth his salt will respect your wishes. If there is sexual attraction between you two, the guy will probably want to move up or move on, and then you have to decide what you want. If he is a friendly type of guy you can probably stay friends after he moves on, but I will say that is the exception. Most guys loose interest after awhile, but the ones that don't are gems.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2003 at 2:04PM
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why would someone say that hate your daughter? Does she misbehave often? That is pretty strong words. Just curious.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2003 at 5:57PM
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Did you hear the guy tell your daughter these things?

Children who've been through a divorce feel that they've lost one parent, they don't want someone else taking the other parent away from them.

Not to say that there aren't some jaw-droppingly selfish, brutal, & ruthless people out there.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2003 at 4:06PM
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I don't think you're being realistic to think this guy just wants to be friends. He obviously wants to date you and you are sending the wrong message by meeting him if you really aren't interested in dating.

Maybe it would be best to concentrate on your daughter and forget about dating, especially since you are just getting over a relationship. It takes time to get over a breakup and it's best to just be alone for a while.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2003 at 11:08PM
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