Go to the bathroom, get some water and feel free to read (LONG!)
Yes, its me. First of all Â please donÂt faint. IÂm sorry I havenÂt been posting here lately. An occasional non-descript post at the KT Â but thatÂs about it.
My days have been troublesome latelyÂ hard to know just where to start. But I do owe everyone an explanation. Gee Â where to startÂ family stuff first. No one here knows me yet Â but IÂm the primary care-taker of my ailing mother. SheÂs only 68, but suffers from no less than four major ailments. From something called NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalous) to glaucoma and a corneal transplant, to high blood pressure to a mini-stroke. My other family is my brother and his family. Unfortunately, I only feel as though they suck the life out of me. Case in point Â IÂm a den leader for their middle son Â Adam. Wednesday nights are meeting nights and I usually come through their subdivision to get Adam, take him home to dinner, and then the meeting. IF IÂm lucky, one of them will attend and take him home. Communication has hallways been a problem Â although I donÂt know whyÂ I have to tell/call/email both my brother and his wife just to make sure the message has a chance of getting through. Few weeks back, I was told I wouldnÂt have to get him as my SIL would drop him offÂ that lasted 1 week. It adds about 25 minutes to my commute home.. puts me home at about 6:15 p.m. Â make dinner Â meeting starts at 7Â rush rush rush. Few weeks ago Â night before a large cub scout event for over 200 people (my brother is the pack master) Â I offered to have dinner there for my brother Â the remaining 2 nephews and their foreign exchange student. SIL and eldest nephew were off to a music competition. Through the grape vine of my mother Â I get a call from SIL wondering why only brother, et. al are invited. Thought she had to drive to Timbuktu (please forgive me!) to music event. No Â she didnÂt have to be there till 7:30 p.m. Order more food for take out, stop at grocery because sheÂs doing a semi-Atkins diet and pizza wonÂt do Â pick up food, dog at groomers Â and arrive home about 6:30. Make salad for SIL Â all arrive Â she eats in a hurry Â because she has to leave ASAPÂ (?) Thought that was the case before Â hence the no dinner offerÂ oh well. Off in a mad rush Â advise her not to go a certain route as the traffic reports were horrible Â highway shut down. Frantic call about 20 min. later Â stopped dead on highway that was ill advised to take. Give alternates Â voice frustration to brother and go about loading my truck with all the paraphernalia for a 200+ pinewood derby the next morning. Get to bed about 2 a.m. Up again at 6.
Next Â case in point Â One of many doctor appointments the following week for Mom. Includes 2 eye doctors Â corneal specialist/surgeon and glaucoma specialist Â they are ping-ponging over the risk of increased pressure vs. the integrity of the transplant Â one set of drops upsets the apple cart of the other condition. I take copious notes at every appointment. (mind you this is over 18 months of visits). Glaucoma dr. isnÂt happy with pressure Â contemplates more surgery in right eye after reviewing with cornea dr. which we see the next day. Next day at work Â receive phone call from SIL Â she has spoken to Mom who expresses her uneasiness about more surgery Â and only to get the 3rd degree about surgery optionÂ nothing that I havenÂt already asked the dr. Â but since itÂs only a possibility Â will reassess in a month Â have no clear answer to questionsÂ Hang up in total frustration that if she wants to know so many freakinÂ details about the office visit Â she could have gotten her _ _ _ to the eye doctor with us. DoesnÂt occur to her that I am at work!!! No wonder my mother doesnÂt like her to attend. (BTW Â sheÂs a stay-at-home mother Â no job Â volunteer work only) I have to take time off of work (days too) to attend all these appointments.
Third case-in-point Â last weekend. Another all day cub scout event Â District Pinewood Derby Â offered MomÂs services as babysitter for youngest 2 nephews Â yes Â itÂs a good idea Â never informed that other plans were made. GRRRR. Spend all day at even Â go out to dinner Â hmmm Â they never have cash Â Mom and I usually kick in more than our share Â never seem to get the change weÂre dueÂ coincidence? Next day Â major project for work is due Monday Â so spend Sunday working literally from 6:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. with a couple of arguments thrown in for good measure Â to have Mom just leave me alone to work Â shower at 5 Â no time for dinner Â take Mom to orchestra concert Â back home by 10:00 p.m. only to work till 2:30 a.m. Even lost it with long-distance boyfriend who graciously go online to check on meÂ IÂm such a schmuck.
Work Â well that stinks tooÂ. 70% decrease in staff over the last two years Â and co-worker promoted to "manager" Â only to annoy the remaining 2 people. "Kathy" has no clue Â nor any desire Â to understand what I do and how long it takes Â let alone how it impacts the rest of the group and our goals. SheÂs a total Â non-techie Â with no desire to understand. Meanwhile Â I get meaningless "quilting" projects dumped on me Â and things like data analysis, programming, digitizing and all those other "techie" things go undone. Over the Â½ wall all I hear is cursing and muttering Â not exactly conducive to a data analysis environment. I think itÂs been about 2 weeks of constant bad moods Â fights with her husband Â arguments over daughterÂs private school teacher and complaining about having no moneyÂ hmmmÂ found out over the past few months Â her parents have paid for their house, bought her a new car Â and have been paying for private school tuitionÂ wonder where her salary goesÂ?? Was asked to help stuff envelopes the other night Â meanwhile data project (major) is due Â so I said "no". Well Â sheÂs not speaking to me now Â but the cursing continues. DonÂt get me wrong Â I am certainly not a saint Â but the language she has been using borders on harassment in the workplace. Coincidentally Â her annual review form lies on my desk Â just waiting for completion!
So, besides, the Mom, the SIL (and family) and co-workerÂ I stare at a computer screen Â play some games online Â trying to find some motivation to pay the bills, organize the closet, do some laundry and figure out what IÂm going to do with the cub scouts tomorrow night. ItÂs about 1:15 a.m. and I find I could care lessÂ not really a good attitude is it? Just took two Advil Â had dental work this morning and think about calling in "sick" tomorrowÂ itÂs certainly a possibility! Then again Â itÂs another day offÂ Last year Â between MomÂs two surgeries and a mini-stroke and all the interspersed doctor appointments in between Â well it ate up any vacation time I had at allÂ. Wondering what a vacation feels like Â itÂs been about 2 Â½ years since I took a 5 day trip to visit a friend "back home"Â
IÂm finding myself snapping at my mother Â who cannot help her conditions Â which still frustrates me to no end. She does things she knows she shouldnÂt Â like climb on a ladder to get the canning jars I need to make strawberry jam. This from a woman who should (but doesnÂtÂ always use a walker or is in a wheel chair for longer trips). And she wonders why I get upset. I didnÂt plan on taking care of her Â nor did I plan on my father dying 7 Â½ years ago. Thought moving in together to save money was a good idea. Resentful? Yes I am. But IÂm feeling more guilty for feeling resentful. 40 years old and now giving up on the idea of marriage or children at all. BF in Denver is still officially "married" Â and the divorce is taking a loooooooong time. HmmmÂ I waver between sympathy for him and wondering how much is truth or lies. HeÂs sympathic to me Â and has said I can leave the situation at any timeÂ Not what either of us wants Â but how much longer do I wait? Then again Â what would I leave for? Some local guy (married/separated/has girlfriend) who cheats on me? (No Â I didnÂt know it at the time.) Or another who hits me up for an "investment" in his company? Oh Â the quality of men in Tampa.
Not sure if I should post all this Â Spike might send me to Disney Â btw Â we were there for a few days in December. Highlight of my holidaysÂ SIL and Brother et. al Â headed to Maryland Â Mom and I celebrated alone. Mickey sure knows how to make one smile Â it was a blast!
Sorry to vent Â guess IÂll take my chances by posting thisÂthanks everyone for listening.