Need advice

haliwa01February 10, 2006

I am a 39 year old single male and a good friend of mine is trying to set me up with his 27 year old female cousin. He gave me her number and we have been talking on the telephone for the past month and have gone out to dinner.

Yesterday she made some comments that got me to thinking and wondering

1. she said she had dated a couple of people who were 35

years old and they were set in their ways and didn't

want to do the things that she wanted to do and she

realized that she had nothing in common with them

2. We were talking about a 34 year old cousin of mine who

got married 2 years ago and just recently had a child

and she her comments on that made it sound like there

was something wrong by him getting married and just

having a child at 34.

I don't know if she knows that I am 39 years old or not since I don't know what her cousin told her. She knows that I am around the same age as her cousin as he is 1 year younger than me. We have never discussed our ages in any of the conversations that we have had.

I really like this girl and I would like to see how things develop but her comments have gotten me to thinking that I may be too old for her in her eyes. I am not set in my ways and I like doing all kinds of things. I wonder what she will think when she finds out that I have never been married and I am fast approaching 40 years old.

Off the topic but I just thought of it.... why do people think there is something odd about someone being nearly 40 years old and never been married?

Your thoughts and suggestions are appreciated.

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JeanInWa

Stop thinking, and start asking. When she first made the comments, why didn't you tell her how old you were? If you are too old for her (more than 10 years by the way...would you go out with a 51 y/o woman?) then, stop wasting her time and yours. If you aren't too old for her, then get it out in the open so you know, and don't have to wonder about it anymore. Isn't honesty the basis for a good relationship? How do you think she'll feel if down the line she finds out you're so much older than her, and it is a big factor? Do it now, early in the relationship. Get it out of the way so it's not an issue anymore.

Jean

    Bookmark   February 10, 2006 at 11:08AM
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asolo

I was tired of the charades long before 39. Waste of time for everyone. Open and honest is where its at. Game-playing and deceptions are for kids and hollywood. Put it on the table and talk about it. If its a problem for her or for you, that's fair. But maybe there is no problem. Experiences of your friends and relatives don't count. This is between the two of you...period.

    Bookmark   February 10, 2006 at 2:51PM
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mimi_boo

I agree with asolo... Age is just a number. My SO and I are only 4 years apart, so right now this isn't an issue. But I am single, never married, he is the father to dauthers who are 18 and 22 year old.

Maybe the issue is having children and the potential father being much older?

I gave up on the having kids thing when I turned 40.

Barbara

    Bookmark   February 10, 2006 at 3:07PM
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lpinkmountain

Well, is she totally oblivious? Even at 27 I would pretty soon get around to asking how old my date was if I couldn't figure it out. I mean I might not ask on the first date, but somewhere in the early stages of getting to know him. I personally wouldn't bring it up like it was a big deal. But I might try and mention my age sometime in a conversation when it is appropriate. It's funny, I always ask my date's ages fairly early on. I can't believe she hasn't. Don't lie, that's the biggest bit of advice. Among my girlfriends the number one dealbreaker in relationships has been lying. But I also don't think you should be paranoid. Age differences may or may not be an issue, there are a lot of variables. But you are going to have to go exploring down that path someday soon. Meanwhile, try to appear as flexible as possible lol! ;-)Keep us informed how it turns out! Good luck!

P.S. If your date is a woman older than you, NEVER bring it up, lol! :-)

    Bookmark   February 14, 2006 at 7:49PM
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haliwa01

When she first made the comments my first impulse was to ask her how would she feel about dating a 38 year old man. But I decided against it because I don't want to scare her away or try to rush her into anything, she has a lot on her plate right now. Her mom is going through chemo treatments for pancreatic cancer. She lost an aunt to pancreatic cancer last year. She has been taking her mom for her treatments and I am not trying to put anymore on her than she already has.

I always believe in being honest and trustworthy. I am not into playing games with anyone. When we first started talking age was never brought up.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2006 at 6:29AM
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asolo

"I always believe in being honest and trustworthy. I am not into playing games with anyone. When we first started talking age was never brought up."

Well, then, don't worry about it. It's doubtless perfectly obvious to her that you're a decade or so older than she is. When birthdays and/or other discussions arise the topic can be covered in due course directly or indirectly.

Your friend may well have covered this with his cousin before setting things in motion anyway. If you remain concerned, you might ask your friend.

Default position remains the same IMHO. Both of you are all grown up. Don't see any reason why the issue couldn't be addressed directly. I don't see this as any additional "burden" for her to bear along with her other concerns. Its not at all in that catagory.

    Bookmark   February 15, 2006 at 3:20PM
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centralcacyclist

If she has accepted a second or a third date, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Whether she knows your age or not, she is interested. Twelve years is a pretty big gap and should be apparent to her even if you don't look your age just from the content of your conversation and cultural and childhood references. I know that if someone tells me they were at Woodstock that they are at LEAST my age!

    Bookmark   February 15, 2006 at 5:26PM
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asolo

OK barnmom....

What was on the flip-side of the original 45rpm "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens?

Answer: "Bwa Nina" (don't ask me how I know this, but we are of the same generation)

    Bookmark   February 15, 2006 at 7:37PM
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