The worst things about being single

DaisyduckworthFebruary 20, 2003

Just to keep the ball rolling, the opposite to Netla's thread. What do you like least about being single?

For me (in no particular order):

the loneliness

scarcity or lack of physical relationship (yes, that 3-letter word, but also the welcoming and farewell hugs and kisses, the hand-holding, the affectionate pat on the rump, just the physical presence of someone you care deeply about)

having to play gooseberry with unsingle friends

being too embarrassed and shy and nervous to go anywhere alone, like a movie, or a Sunday drive, or a party

no dancing partner!

forcing yourself to prepare decent meals for one

the acres of empty bed-space on a cold night

coming home to an empty house

nobody to share a private joke with, or laugh with when watching TV or reading a book

being unable to gloat over my single friends that I've Got Somebody

that awful feeling of being made to feel Nobody by real estate agents, bank managers and other people who insist that they'll arrange a meeting for 'you both together'.

that sinking feeling when you're lost and you can't read the road map

nobody to remove spiders and other unwelcome guests

nobody to change a tap washer or flat tyre. I know HOW, but haven't the physical strength to do these things myself.

nobody to reach things down from the topmost shelf without having to get out a ladder.

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wormgirl

Thank goodness I'm not the only person here who's not 100% deliriously happy to be single! :)

I miss:
Companionship
Sex
Somebody else in bed
Someone to take care of me when I'm sick!

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 9:07AM
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darkeyedgirl

I only miss the sex. That is all.

I like to be alone, always have, always will.

I have affection and love on a daily basis... my little girl, and my four cats, one of which completely adores me and stays firmly planted at my feet at all times.

I like being alone when I'm sick and I love stretching out on my bed alone (well with the four cats anyway). I'm very self-sufficient and don't need anyone for anything.

Well, except for, the sex.

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 9:47AM
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Judith

Since I never married, I don't have a long list of things that I miss. I like to have the whole double bed to myself. I now share mine with a cat. I would like to have someone to go places with and to go out to eat sometime. I don't go out to eat because it is very akward going by ones self. I do go to the movies by myself and shopping and just about any where else that I want to go. I would like to have someone to help fix things when they breakdown and to have someone to talk to when I have a problem and someone to share the good things about my life. At my age, I can't see me ever falling madly in love with someone like I used to when I was young. It is depressing to come home to a dark, cold, and empty house in the late fall and winter months.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 10:14AM
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jamie_mt

Well, I love living alone, but at the same time, I'm very happy to be getting married...

- As posted previously, I much prefer cooking for someone else.

- I don't like having to do *everything* with maintaining my house/yard...I would love to have help with even just the outside part.

- I really want someone to appreciate my efforts when I clean the house. I love it when it's clean and neat, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to point it out to, "Look, I vaccuumed! Doesn't it look great?" (Note: I've been known to drag my DF to my house to do just that, but he'll already be there after we get hitched).

- I really don't like sleeping alone...just found this out recently when I banned the dogs from my bedroom to prepare for sharing a bed with a human - geez, it's really lonely at night!

- I hate that employers feel that just because *you* are single and don't have a family, *you're* the one who has to work or stay odd hours and holidays...after all, everyone else has a *life* (like I don't?). It seems like everyone feels that way though - if you're single, you're available for any little volunteer job around. And if you say no, everyone thinks you're cold-hearted and selfish.

- People are constantly taking for granted that since I'm single with no kids, I'd be happy to babysit thiers (not true - I'm not a "kid person", and we don't plan on having kids, so why would I want to babysit?).

- Married women never call me, but when I see them out and about and say "hi", they ask why *I* don't call *them*? Hmmm...since they never call and the few times I did thier kids were constantly interrupting them or they couldn't do anything, I assumed they're busy. When I *do* talk to them on those rare occasions, the first and most important question for me from them is, "When are you getting married?" Maybe after I get married, they can get past that and we can talk about other things like we used to? One can always hope...most of my friends have been married since college, so it's been awhile.

- Reduced gym fees...we'll be able to get a "joint" membership, which will cost less...

- It will be nice to have someone to help me move heavy furniture around. ;-)

- It's hard living on a single income...will be nice to have that double income, and know that if I lose my job for some reason, or he loses his, we'll be able to get by together. Also, we can plan & save for retirement together - which means we'll both be better off at retirement than we would have been staying single.

- And of course the daily companionship, cuddling, motivation to get things done, and activities together (DF is out of town this week, and we normally talk to or see each other every day, so I'm really feeling this one right now).

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 11:08AM
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netla

I'm with Daisy on the dancing and the cooking.

What else:
When ALL your friends are in relationships, and most have babies. Although I did mention going out with my girlfriends at short notice as one of the good things about being single, guess what: It rarely happens anymore since 6 of my closest friends had babies in the past year.

When your friends start resembling the "smug marrieds" from Bridget Jones' Diary (doesn't happen a lot, but it does happen).

No-one to play nurse when I'm sick.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 11:11AM
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skyway1111

While I am content being single, and not ever going to 'settle' just to have a warm bod, I am looking forward to the right person being there to:

snuggle in front of the fireplace with
help lift furniture when it is time to re-arrange
work on a project together (like painting, etc.)
and of course, there is, well...sex. :)

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 1:11PM
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SandiD

The constant explaining to friends & relatives that "no, I'm not dating" or "no, I've not met anyone".

Being in a Bible study & having someone state, right in front of you, that divorced people don't belong in church. (Needless to say, I stopped going to that church!)

Someone else to share parenting responsibilities with! (My ex hasn't seen the girls since Christmas '97. When we had an appointment at the OAG's office August '01, the scuzbu*t never even asked how they were doing.)

Someone to make sure my car is serviced, that the brakes work, the tires have the right amount of air...

Someone to mow the yard and dig the big holes for me.

And cuddling, holding hands, sex....

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 1:40PM
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teri2

It would be very nice to have someone handy to bounce ideas off of and someone to go the movies with and go on vacation with. But, on balance for me, those benefits are not enough to put up with the invasion of my privacy.

But living alone is truly difficult when I am ill. Not cold and flu sick but seriously ill. Having to call on friends to drive me to the doctor, or worse yet, to the emergency room. Being unable to care for my cat or care for myself (including hygiene) without help from friends is just awful. Then, and only then, do I think that life might be better with another person in the house.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 2:08PM
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kframe19

I miss the conversation.

My ex and I used to have GREAT conversations.

    Bookmark   February 20, 2003 at 5:49PM
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Daisyduckworth

Yeah, kframe, I believe you. Has anybody out there started having conversations with themselves??

    Bookmark   February 21, 2003 at 1:06AM
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darkeyedgirl

No but I have had some pretty great conversations with my cat... he talks more than my ex-boyfriend did... is smarter, too...

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   February 21, 2003 at 8:46AM
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browntoestoo

Looks like my single friends from other forums are here!

The "cons" side of singledom:

No one to cook for, I like having an appreciative audience and someone to cook with if they are so inclined.

ÂI miss the couple status. Married people seem to only socialize with other couples so I don't get many invitations.

ÂI miss sharing the Sunday paper over breakfast in bed.

ÂI miss the physical side of coupledom. No one has rubbed my shoulders in a long time. Miss sex, too.

ÂI miss having a partner in life and common goals.

ÂSomeone to share a bottle of wine with. I have wine that has gone bad for lack of someone to drink it with.

Eileen

    Bookmark   February 21, 2003 at 9:12PM
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CindyBelleZ6NJ

Eileen, you can freeze the wine in ice cube trays and put the blocks in a ziplock bag in freezer to use in cooking, or pour it on the compost pile to speed up results. Just a thought.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2003 at 11:57AM
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darkeyedgirl

I buy my Merlot in single-serving bottles. They come 4 to a pack. It tastes the same, if not better, because you know you don't have to waste a whole big bottle!

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   February 24, 2003 at 2:01PM
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browntoestoo

I don't drink alone. Personal policy. Just don't want to go there.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2003 at 3:54PM
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bbolts

I love those little bottles of wine, so I'm with you Darkeyedgirl. There is something sad about pouring a 3/4 full bottle down the drain. But I enjoy an occasional glass, all by myself, along with a soak in the tub, or spending cuddle time with my mutts. Why don't some of the better wines come in those sizes? I like white, and only the cheaper stuff seems to be packaged like that.
They're missing out on a segment I think!!

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 10:11AM
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browntoestoo

Bbolts,

Actually, there are many fine wines available in 187 ml sized bottles, which is roughly 2 small glasses. They don't come in those little 4 packs but are sold singly and are mostly available in boutique wine stores. Check in wine stores, ask for splits or 187 ml bottles.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 11:12AM
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darkeyedgirl

I like Sutter Home Merlot. They sell them in those single serving 4 pack thingies. I like to come home after a weird day at work and have just one of them. I like to drink to relax or just for the taste. A pina colada on a hot summer day, or a nice room-temp glass of Merlot on a brrrr-cold winter night. Ya know?

I don't recall seeing white wine sold in the little bottles. HOWEVER I only go to the cheapola liquor stores (Kroger) and never set foot into the real nice stores!

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 11:48AM
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bbolts

I have never gone into one of those chi-chi wine shops, ('fraid I'd look alot dumber than I usually do) but if there is such a thing in there, then I'm going to try!!!
Browntoestoo, can you recommend a chard or pinot that you like? Thanks for the tip you guys! Toast!

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 10:09PM
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cube1067

The worst thing about being single

Glad to see the comeback of the Singles forum. Im a 40-something single; never married, no children.

I opened this thread to see what folks disliked about being single and I wanted to see if I had anything to add, but its been 96 hours since I read the thread and I cant think of anything so bad about singlehood.

Singlehood = no sex? Not for me. Im not the Happy Hooker, but no sex seems to be a matter of choice, not circumstances. And judging from the laments of my married friends, marriage often equals no sex. And yes, Ive had long periods of celibacy, and for me no sex equaled no yeast infections!

Singlehood = a lonely too big bed? Not for me. I love having my king sized bed to myself. When people ask What side do you sleep on?, I say I sleep in the middle!

Singlehood = limited financial resources? Since high school Ive known that I wanted to make an above average salary because I wanted to be able to afford to live comfortably on my own. I advocate women choosing good-paying professions, so that the choice of marriage isnt based on financial need. And again, judging from my married friends, marriage often does not equal financial security. Now that Im older, I also advocate learning to manage your money wisely, no matter what your income or your sex, cuz being OLD, ALONE, and POOR is a sorry state indeed.

Singlehood = the pitiful task of cooking for one? Not for me. I like to cook, and I like having the freedom to try something new, or eat the same old thing, or NOT cook, without having to listen to someone elses gripes. Never liked the idea of being responsible for another adults daily meals.

Singlehood = no one to help move heavy things, fix things, or hang things? Get yourself a dolly, some Magic Movers, and a heavy tarp. If the task truly requires another person, invite your married friends over to help, or hire a handyman. And get yourself a few good tools.

Singlehood = no one to go to the movies with? This is a plus in my world. My last movie date was the talk-thru-the-movie type; I kept shushing him and he kept giving me puzzled looks. I tend to pick matinee times and go to movies that have been out for a while, because I dont like crowds and extraneous noise when I watch a movie. I also attend live theatre productions and buying a single seat usually gets me a choice spot; twice Ive been lucky enough to get the last available seat for very popular productions. And at intermission, the only people unwilling to engage in conversation are the couples on dates and those under 35 years old.

Singlehood = no one to go to dinner with? I do take myself out to eat and this can be a minefield. Some restaraunts are better than others at accommodating single diners. I return to the places that make me feel welcome and I avoid the places that treat me like a pariah. I avoid Saturday night date time, I choose non-prime-time hours at popular restaraunts, and I always take something to read. And havent we all seen the couple who dine together but dont talk to each other so company is not always a delight.

But I guess singlehood has some negatives. I wish I had someone to travel with, but so do my married girlfriends. In 99, I planned my first European trip with a male (platonic) coworker. When I called my 3 married girlfriends in excitement, I was surprised by their cool reception of the news. I felt like I had broken some unspoken rule single girls are suppose to *wish* they could do things, not actually DO them. I was disappointed by their lack of enthusiasm for me.

Another negative: My citys hosting a dinner with my favorite PBS cook, and Ive hesitated in calling for a seat because Id be asking for a seat for one. I want to ask them if they have a singles table; I hope they do, but Id bet they dont.

A big negative: Fear of being preyed upon. Men make this world a very dangerous place for the single woman. When Im out alone at night (a play, food or mall shopping) Im very nervous about the walk back to the car. And I worry about unexpected car trouble. I take steps to minimize the danger. I park as close as possible, under lights. If I must use a lot, I use the one-level open-air parking lots not the tower lots with elevators. I walk with the crowd of people as much as possible. I keep my car maintained and my cell phone charged. I have a battery charger that works in the cigarette lighter. I worry about dating and letting a man know where I live. On getting-to-know-you dates, Ive decided that I will meet men at the date location and drive myself home until I feel said man is safe.

Another negative: I miss having girlfriends to hang out with. My girlfriends dropped out of my life after they married, and they dont work to include you in their new lifestyles not until you become a couple. I sometimes feel my married friends want to cast me in the poor unmarried soul role. I see that their husbands still manage to maintain friendships with their before-marriage buddies (that is, those husbands who had friends before marriage). But at my last job I met the single girlfriend from hell type, the one who seemed to want to destroy her married friends happiness, and I thought better of a married woman shunning the friendship of the unmarried girlfriend. And who among us hasnt been approached by a married friends husband, so maybe theres some wisdom in keeping distance between your marriage and your single friends. And besides, I know my friends will be back when the husband leaves them or dies. I have visions of living like the Golden Girls in my old age.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 10:31PM
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browntoestoo

Cube,

Interesting points about single and married women friends. I used to have a 40-something single woman friend who had no reservations about seducing married men, even those of women she knew but wasn't close to. I figured my husband was safe but he filled me in on her behavior after I had broken off my friendship with her for other reasons.

Before I was married I went out to eat alone and went to movies alone but really have no desire to do so again. I do have friends who will dine and view with me.

I did buy myself a hand truck for just the reasons you mentioned. It's been very helpful. When really desparate I can hire a neighborhood teen or ask a friend or my ex. He will still pitch in with heavy stuff if I really need help. I own tools and am as handy as lot of men I know and certainly much more adept than my ex.

As for walking to my car alone, I have found that men will always escort me to my car if I ask.

Being self sufficent still isn't as much fun as having a partner.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2003 at 11:15PM
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butterfly130

Yes, there are disadvantages but I can deal with them. I won't go out to dinner alone so I really enjoy it when my girlfriends and I are out for the day and we eat dinner before going home. Their husbands do not like to travel, shop in craft stores, go looking at antiques, so we go together. I do miss not having someone to share conversations with, and just the companionship. But then I get over it. If this is my fate in life, then I will make the best of it.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2003 at 7:23AM
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Kathsgrdn

Having surgery and knowing there is no one out in the waiting room worried about you and waiting to see if you are ok.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2003 at 6:51PM
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Martina_WV

married person peeking in......several years ago my mother sat with an elderly woman who never married. Martha said it was because she never met a man who could keep her better than she could keep herself. she died in the hospital all by herself and her only closest kin was a neice who lived in another state. to me that was just sad. the neice took what pocessions she wanted and told the rest of the caregivers to take whatever they wanted out of the house. To me that's the bad thing about being single.

Martina

    Bookmark   March 7, 2003 at 8:09PM
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browntoestoo

Geez, Martina, I may need to be put on suicide watch now.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2003 at 9:31PM
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Daisyduckworth

Cube has made some interesting observations. I agree that any single woman can have sex anytime she chooses to - with the proviso 'if she's not too fussy'. All it takes is a single phone call to a dating line and she could have a long queue at her door in no time flat. No man of any age will refuse a no-strings-attached freebie if it's offered. But most women don't want that sort of no-frills sex. And in the long term, I don't think most men do, either, though they're easier to please when things get desperate. Once you've had a long-term committed relationship with someone, no 'sex' but lots of 'love-making' (and there's a vast difference!), you know there's a better alternative and nothing but the best will do. In that sense, especially for the older woman, being celibate is not a matter of choice. Far from it!

    Bookmark   March 9, 2003 at 6:53AM
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CindyBelleZ6NJ

Cube 1067 you summmed it up very well. I LIKE living alone, but I also like having great conversation and some romance. Being single doesn't exclude that, but perhaps in a great marriage it's always there. I don't know, I haven't seen many great marriages.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2003 at 5:24PM
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darkeyedgirl

"I haven't seen many great marriages."... amen to that. I've seen more miserable marrieds than I have miserable singletons.

I get plenty of interesting conversations and plenty of romance in my life. More so than when I was married.

- darkeyedgirl

    Bookmark   March 11, 2003 at 12:08PM
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civilmind

What a great thread! Everyone has made good points. One thing I noticed is the worst things about being single could also be the worst things about being married. Not that I would know since I've never married.

I find one of the worst things is losing touch with friends after they get married, have kids and become stay at home moms. That's really my choice, tho. I get tired of hearing about the kids and carpools. And they don't want to hear about my trip to Jamaica, etc.

Being married could be better than being single in alot of ways, but for the most part it's probably just a different set of woes.

On dying alone... We all die alone. If I'm on my death bed and there's only my sister and nieces beside me, that's enough for me.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2003 at 3:01PM
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itsmesuzq

After being married to the same man for 30 years, (and being split for about 4 of those years) I can't think of a single bad thing about being single.

My ex is a treasured friend, (after all we had 2 wonderful children together) but I know that I have never been happier than I am now. It's a "personal" kind of contentment, I am at peace with myself, my life, and I love the control I have being on my own.

Basically, CUBE said it all for me. Thanks for putting it so well.....

~Susan

    Bookmark   April 21, 2003 at 7:24PM
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cube1067

Seems like people who aren't happy being single see choices as "either/or".

Either you're married and having sex with one man OR you're single and looking for Mr. Goodbar, sleeping with strangers. There are long-standing sexual relationships among singles too, you know. Those are the best types of sexual relationships, I think.

Either you're a couple who attend functions together OR you're a single friendless person. I have friends to dine with, but my tastes are a bit more far-ranging and I'd rather dine alone than eat with someone who's turning up her nose at unfamiliar cuisine. I join them for the *Red Lobster* type meals, but I take myself to restaraunts that serve sole encrusted w/macadamia nuts topped with apricot relish.

Oh, I want to address the *dearth* of men for the older woman. My Mom is 65 and is on her second long-term (8 year) boyfriend (he's 72) since she divorced my father 18 years ago. And I think I saw my mother head over heels in love with the prior boyfriend - she was in her mid 50's then and he was older. Both of these men are attractive, still driving their own vehicles; one owned a business. I've not seen my mother pining for male companionship as she ages. And my Dad, at 70, has a girlfriend too!

    Bookmark   April 21, 2003 at 10:47PM
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gemmamiller_hotmail_co_uk

Worst things about being single imo:
* People automatically thinking you sleep around and men assuming that you're easy and have sex with anyone (this isn't the case for me at all. I've only slept with one person and I was in a relationship with him).
* Whenever I meet a man one of my friends always says "Ooh he could be The One". Arrgh!! I not even been on a date with him yet! Back off!
* Wondering if ill ever find anyone. I'm 26 and been single 6 years now. I'm worried that being single this long means ill never get anyone now.
* Being told to "make the most of it" and "go out there and meet someone" hard to do when all your friends are settled down and don't go out!
* clich�s: Such as "if you stop looking he'll find you", "loves just around the corner" and my fave said by people in relationships:"I wish I was single, its the best way to be!" Well if you actually think that then be single!

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 7:14PM
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sayhellonow

Hi Jemma,

You are sooo young, and have sooooo much time to find a husband, if that's what you really want. You've probably heard this before, but it really is true: occupy yourself, within your means, with the things that make you happy. There is a man out there somewhere who loves those same things, and can you imagine what that would be like? In the meantime, until you find him, you will be happy doing what you really enjoy. If you love to hike, join a hiking group. If it's gardening, volunteer at a community garden.

You said you've been single for six years, so that means you were married at a very young age. Does that mean you forfeited an education in order to get married? If so, I'd say go back to school. It will not only give you the chance to increase your income, but it will also give you more self confidence -- the most attractive thing to the opposite sex.

I don't agree that people think you sleep around just because you're single. If you conduct yourself in a ways that say you have high standards, most people will think you have high standards.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 12:04AM
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gemmamiller_hotmail_co_uk

Hi sayhellonow

I've never been married, I meant I hadn't been in a proper relationship for 6 years. The thing is I don't dress or behave in a way thats sterotypically "easy" (I don't even flirt with men really). It's just in my culture most people assume if your young and long term single it's because your more interested in having just flings/one night stands rather than a relationship. Whilst this may be true for some people it isn't for me.

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 2:18PM
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terrene

Hmmmm....I love being single and fully enjoy being "captain of the ship". Not that I wouldn't enjoy spending time with a compatible man, or having someone around to clean the gutters once in awhile, however my happiness is not contingent on this.

The worst thing for me about being single is being misunderstood and subjected to other people's ignorant misconceptions about singlehood! For example, most people assume that because I am middle-aged, single, and never married "there must be something wrong with me". Perhaps I am too independent, but basically, I've never met Mr. Right and wasn't willing to compromise (and there have been many suitors).

On more than one occasion, married women have assumed that because I'm single I am interested in poaching their husbands. Wow, the LAST man on earth I would be interested in is a married man, especially your pot-bellied, boring husband. What's more, do you know how many married or attached men have solicited me? Despite the fact that I do not give them the slightest encouragement nor do they get a toe in the door.

Being single and alone, having the luxury to explore your own inner psyche, control your own destiny, and follow your own spiritual path unfettered - it is grossly under-rated.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 6:55PM
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