The single mom and the deadbeat dad

txgoldenhorseJanuary 22, 2009

Hello everyone! I am a single mom of 1 and totally LOVE being a mommy, would not trade for the world so I don't want to come across as complaining as I am lucky with good job, family etc. BUT........here is the deal. My child's dad is a serious deadbeat, owes about 20 k in back pay. On top of that he NEVER makes contact. It breaks my heart for my child, yet at the same time I am thankful and feel lucky I do not have to share. But I find my heart broken over this, it has been like 6 years and I am so angry and have such negative feelings which is not really me. I want to move past the hurt and anger but never really can. Anyone have any advice? Thanks! :)

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gneegirl

I'm sorry you are in this situation - I know it all too well, only I was the child. I know that my mother, as sweet as she was, never really got over the hurt and anger. Everyday struggles prevented that. Plus it was during the time when only Hollywood folks divorces and she took it very personally as though she had done something really wrong. Mom had a career and that helped a lot, but ny sister and I both agree that things would have been so different in our adult lives had our father wanted to be a part of our lives. My mom sheltered us from as much of his isolation but I never let him get but so far away (to my mom't dismay). I'm not bitter, but I just know there is a difference, now that I'm an adult.

I'm no expert, but I think you sound like you are holding it together. My suggestion is probably the same as what the pros would say - love you chld and never let him/her hear you bad mouth Dad. Be available to answer questions and be as honest as you can without becoming too emotional. The hurt and anger - well, it may never go away. Coping will take time, but group or individual counseling might help. It's not the answer to everything, but venting does help, and you may pick up a few tidbits from success stories.

I wish you well and many miles of smiles and years of joy with your child. I think you'll be the one that comes out ahead with that one!

gneegirl

    Bookmark   January 22, 2009 at 10:30PM
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stargazzer

You need to take the appropriate legal steps for support, then let it go. It sounds like it's hurting you more than the child and the child will pick up on that. I would discuss this problem with a counselor, ask him how to handle the situation to keep the child from growing up filled with anger and hurt.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 12:36PM
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txgoldenhorse

Thanks gneegirl, glad to here you are on the other side so to speak and stargazer for your advice thanks but I think I should clarify. This IS hurting my child but not from my anger, or hurt, he never hears sees this part. The hurt is coming from my ex because he is infrequent and inconsistent in his attentions. AND it is hurting my child that the child support is not coming and his lifestyle is not as good as it COULD be due to that fact. And legal fees are costly, I am living entirely within my means on a teacher's pay with no help plus paying for graduate school, money is tight and what I MAY collect would be negated by what I pay a lawyer. The money part is bad but that is not even it it is the fact that this POS can still live his lifestyle while my child has to do without things he should/could have. I am angry yes and I am angry that my state has such a crappy system in place for dealing with these leeches. I am working my tail off everyday to support us and still going the extra mile to make a better life even better by doing grad work etc. and he floats along with not a care or repercussion. Maybe I do need therapy, I find the older I am getting the more this is bothering me...maybe it is my premenopausal hormones! LOL! Anyhow, my child's life is filled with love, stability, and joy and sometimes I wonder why I am complaining but the feelings are still there! :( THANKS!

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 8:49PM
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gneegirl

ur welcome...

tuff to do, but hang in there. The group therapy might help.

If Dad isn't contacting your child, that might be a good thing in having an ability to keep the disappointments to a minimum. Don't make promises for him - keep things on a "last-minute" basis -even though you know about it. It will be a good surprise if it comes to fruition. Sooner or later, your child will realize the truth and make decisions on where his love comes from. Just prepare yourself for backlash on that one. The anger may come out in all ways - even blaming you. Just remain close to your chile and it will probably be OK. I was never angry with my Mom. But the chaos paralyzed my success. I'm OK, and always have been, but I know that home would have been more settled without the worry and frustration, and anger. BUT, there are wonderful stories out there - kids are resilient. Many times they try harder to equalize their situation. Your child has YOU to help get through this. You have to deal with your hurt and pain - that's the most important thing. As stargazzer said, it may be something you have to swallow so you can emotionally move away from the situationon. You can't worry about what you can't control. You have a lot you can control - the love in your home for one. We all have a cross or two and I really believe you can carry this one with that love. Just think of it as one huge vitamin pill - LOL!! You will feel great at the end of the day.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2009 at 10:11PM
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stargazzer

How old is your child?

    Bookmark   January 24, 2009 at 9:01AM
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txgoldenhorse

Almost 9. And the thing is he does not know the difference really in his dad being gone since I gave him the boot(due to a drug problem among other things) when he was 2. I just still find it hard to believe ANY parent can be so callous and turn their back on the most wonderful gift in life, especially now that he has supposedly been clean for years. And he is the only child for us both. You know I have thought about this since I posted and I woke up this morning and I realized that I think that I will "feel" better about all this if I DO something. I have just let it go and let it go now for years. I am ready to do something I think and make him one:responsible financially, and two: take away his visitation(like he ever uses it anyhow). I signed up for legal services thru my school and although I will still have to pay it will be a reduced fee. Out system here is minimal at best...obviously he is almost 20k in the home PLUS not providing insurance for 2 years and he(the ex) has never lost his license, never even been served! So, Monday I am going to get on the phone and see what I can do. I am going to take that anger and turn it into action! Have a wonderful weeked! It is cold and no sun here in texas! :( After 70s yesterday this stinks!

    Bookmark   January 24, 2009 at 11:02AM
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stargazzer

Good for you, doing something positive helps most problems.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2009 at 1:01PM
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gneegirl

oooooh, I feel the fire in someone's belly! Good for you. Baby steps, and mini goals, are the way to go. Don't want you to set yourself up with over the top (in some cased, even normal0 expectations. Even though rational thought seems normal, legal stuff just ain't that way. Glad you are taking action, because nothing will get done without it. Sincere wishes for a successful outcome. Keep calm and focused, but by all means, keep smiling.

Keep us posted. If you need a shoulder or hug, we all will be here!!

gneegirl

    Bookmark   January 26, 2009 at 9:05PM
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lucy

Can I at least suggest calling places like "Big Brothers" or whatever is appropriate where you live, to find a mentor, or 'friend' for your son, so he does get to have a male figure around weekly, one who can take him to games, teach him guy stuff, etc.?

    Bookmark   January 27, 2009 at 10:49PM
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txgoldenhorse

Thanks Gnee and Gazer I am in the process of meeting with my att. at this point. Lucy that is not a bad idea and I will consider it. I am not a real "girly" girl...I live in the country, drive a truck and so I am feel pretty good about teaching my son to be a "man"...in a GOOD way! :)) Plus I have a wonderful father and two wonderful brother in laws and brother all within a 30 mile radius so am blessed there! I also have involved my son in scouts(great male mentors here) and he has done 3 years of baseball and is currently in ice hockey and soccer is about to start. I love outdoors so we camp, hike and all that stuff. He does miss out on the whole hunting thing because I am a devout believer in the preservation of life...any life is precious to me and my boy is so much like me in that respect he won't even kill bugs. That is ok with me, his dad was a hunter and I never really "got" the pleasure behind killing something beautiful. Don't mean to offend anyone it is just not my cup of tea but respect eveyone's rights to their own opinion.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 2:47PM
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mom2emall

As much as it may hurt for your child to have no father in their life it would be a lot worse to have a father who lets them down.

I am a stepmom to three wonderful kids. Their mom constantly lets them down. We have sole custody and she rarely sees them or calls them. During that time they do well...it is when she begins calling them again and then stops suddenly that hurts them most. OR when she says she will see them and the day comes and she does not show up or answer her phone when they try to call.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 8:36PM
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mariealways

I totally understand your feelings. I am also a single mom and dd's dad is a complete deadbeat. As I mentioned on another thread, he has no relationship with dd, calls 1x every three months or so, but insists on visitation, during which he and his family make dd very unhappy. He never pays his minimal child support on time -- pays 1 month late always as a standard and is now 3 months behind, yet he can afford to send his ds to an expensive private school and various extracurricular activities. I have asked him to help contribute to monthly college fund but he makes excuses. It really bothers me and I wish he would just completely vanish. She doesn't miss him and doesn't like him and is growing up into a wonderful young lady, no thanks to him. I have to agree with mom2emall that it is better to have no dad than a deadbeat dad.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2009 at 5:25PM
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laurawaite2003_gmail_com

I am the child of a bitter divorce. My biological father has not paid a single penny when he had my mother sign divorce papers while physically threatening her.

He fled the country and head out to Iran. Iran is as lawless as it can get and these deadbeat scumbags can get away with anything... including having several wives.

He finally deserves to be remembered what he left behind even though he is now spoiling his new children with one of his newest wife.

He tried to become untraceable but its payback time.

Please all send this monster your thoughts on being deadbeat dad.

beniahmadi@yahoo.com

    Bookmark   June 3, 2011 at 4:25AM
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