Just how happy do ya hafta be???

jeaninwaJanuary 31, 2008

I'm in a relationship with a guy for 8 months now, but there's just that "something" missing.

I've thought of breaking it off, but on the one hand, he's a really nice guy, we get along great, there's no deal breakers being broken. On the other, I'm not feeling fulfilled. (And, I don't mean sexually, we won't even figure that in or else I wouldn't even DREAM of leaving!) Actually, what it is, it's feeling like an old marraige, and I've been there done that. I want someone to treasure me, to cherish and tell me how much I mean to him. Yet, what we have, so many people are looking for. Companionship, stability, closeness.

Yes, we have talked about it.

Do I hang in there and enjoy what I have, or look for more?

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Hi jean!..I would guess that you would have to weigh your options on what your life would be without him....I do understand that feeling and that's why I haven't made a long term commitment to my present relationship. I call it "deja moo", translated, it means, I've seen this bull**** before. I'm going to give it a chance on this upcoming visit, but I'm not going to settle just because I'm alone. I wish you all the luck in the world on coming to a decision that makes you happy.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2008 at 8:37PM
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Hi, Jean - nice to 'meet' you.

I would have to quote you: " I want someone to treasure me, to cherish and tell me how much I mean to him." - then I would have to ask: Are you doing for HIM what you want him to do for you - ie, are you telling HIM those things that make him feel treasured and cherished? Are you making him free like he is your "BE-ALL, END-ALL"? Actions usually beget like actions.

I am an old lady, and I can tell you that MOST OF THE TIME, what we feel is 'missing' in any kind of relationship, be it romantic, work, family - is NOT with the other person - it's within US that that 'something' is missing.

NO ONE can make you feel any certain way - if you don't 'feel it', it's most likely something the other person cannot supply.

I would suggest you take a long, hard look at YOURSELF - what do you find? Perhaps you are looking to the wrong person (him) for fulfillment, when you should be looking to yourself.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2008 at 9:24PM
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t-I don't think I'm "settling", but do think there could/should be more.
I have a man friend that I can talk and laugh with about anything. He's not available. What I'd REALLY like is to blend these two men together! That would almost be my ideal man!

k-Actually, I HAVE done those things. I tell him, I show him how much he means to me, how much I believe in him, how much I treasure him as a person.
But, I will take more notice when I do those things and why. I'm not a "spring chicken" myself, but I've really only ever been in one long term serious relationship, and that was with my husband.

You've both given me food for thought.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2008 at 10:37PM
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Having been there, done that, I have to say don't settle. You'll end up really regretting it. I married someone who I knew I wasn't 'in' love with, but thought we'd be friends (I was 30), be able to have at least a fun life, make something good out of it, and probably end up lovING each other in time. I had also been IN love spectacularly in the past with someone else (apart from lots of dating in between) and knew the difference... and it's huge. I'm now separated (for good!) and should have done it years ago as things really did get just horrible over time. Even if they don't get horrible (I don't know your guy of course) you will likely not see things get better and always want what you know may be out there somewhere, but isn't at home.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 8:26AM
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BINGO!!! You hit the nail on the head and answered your own question - you want what you can't have! It's normal human nature to want what we can't have, and to blame the reason we can't have it on someone else. My ex-DIL is going through this VERY SAME THING right now - she's in love with a married man. He keeps dangling the 'carrot' in front of her, and she keeps chasing it! Attached guys/gals aren't going to leave their partner for anyone else - it's too costly - they will play and you will PAY!

I am sorry, but you need to give up on the unavailable guy and devote yourself to an available man. We women are naturally drawn to the 'bad boy' because of our nurturing instinct, and your 'attached' guy is in a 'bad' situation and needs 'rescuing' - let him go - you can't help him because he doesn't WANT HELP - he loves his situation!

Your current man is probably totally devoted to you and you are sabotaging the relationship because he doesn't appear to 'need' you, yet he needs you more than the attached guy - his heart is in danger of being broken. The bad boy doesn't worry about his heart - he has two or more women gaga over him.

Please remember this: if a guy is a player, you aren't the only pawn - it takes several game pieces to play any game!!!

Keep us posted on how things are going - we really do care. Jo

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 8:30AM
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single friends, you have helped me a little by helping jean. I love my man of 9 months but I also feel like there is somehting missing that I cant put my finger on. There are very important qualitys that he posses that I have NEVER ever found in anyone else, but there is something that i'm just not sure about, but i'm not sure what it is. Maybe I do know what it is, maybe it's that I want certain things from him...like flowers! haha, or for him to remember my birthday etc. I think those are selfish things to fret over, he really does so much for me, lke he helped me with my kitchen redo, he always mows my lawn, all those types of things. So how selfish am I anyway!!! uuugh. I dont want to break it of, I love him, I want it to work for a long time, but I also dont want to live with him or marry him....certainly not in the near future. Learning about all this stuff and what is right and what is wrong in a relationship, and being able to communicate and share your learning with someone who also is learning, and improving is an important part of life.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 9:10AM
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Yes, I admit, I do want what I can't have. The "other man" is actually just a friend. We talk on the phone and there's no hanky panky going on. His wife knows he talks to me. I've told him that if he asked me tomorrow, I'd run away with him. Jokingly, but half serious.
It's just that I see what a good connection can feel like.

I don't plan on moving in with or marrying the current beau. I can't see spending another lifetime in the some of the same conditions I didn't like before.
He IS a dear. I DO love him.
But, I also feel something missing in the relationship. Maybe it's me.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 9:32AM
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Jean, until you figure out what's 'missing', it won't matter whom you are dating - it will be the same thing.

First, see if you are being realistic in your expectations. Over time, few couples are able to maintain the same sizzle they felt when they first met.

If you want the comfort, familiarity, and safety of a long-term monogamous relationship, you usually don't have the mystery, excitement, thrill, and intensity of a new relationship.

If you hunger for that mystery, excitement, thrill, and intensity to feel like you're living life, then maybe a long-term monogamous relationship isn't for you - but then, of course, you don't get all that comfort and security.

What happens if you try to consider not what you don't have, but what you do have? Ultimately, only you can decide what the problem in your relationship is.
If there's still plenty of affection, but the problem is that sex has become boring and predictable, that's not so unusual. At the same time, even though it is pretty common for the initial flames of passion to fade a bit in a long-term relationship, it isn't necessary.

At least a bazillion books can give you lots of ideas for spicing up your sex life. If there's 'something amiss', that's a sign of a more serious underlying problem (for example, sometimes, withheld anger can get in the way of verbal and physical affection in a relationship) that you will need to explore with your boyfriend.
If, on the other hand, your relationship is just dead in the water, then you need to figure out why you're staying in the relationship - fear of being on your own, perhaps?

Find a way to change your thinking OR make plans to move on. If it proves too difficult for you to remove yourself, even though you know the relationship is done, then you might want to consider seeing a relationship counselor.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 11:17AM
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Just as happy as I am now. Which is happier than I have been ever! No responsibilities, no money problems, no stress, do as I please.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 5:39PM
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Jonesy, how long have you lived in Eutopia?

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 5:50PM
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Oh, it's NOT the sex. LoL Like I said, if I figured that into it, if that's all a relationship was about, I wouldn't even be thinking this way.
But you're right, it's got more to do with me than him. He's not responsible for my happiness, and I've told him that. In fact, it's not even that I'm unhappy. Just that I have the deep feeling there should be "more". I know there could be more.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 6:32PM
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Since my husband is not living a nightmare anymore (Alzheimer's), since I don't hear daily reports of his fighting and hitting people in the care home, since I don't see his children anymore, especially since I don't see his kids breaking his heart by their absence, since I am not suicidal anymore, since I have a reason to get up in the mornings.......about 10 months now.

Does that sound cruel?

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 11:11PM
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It doesn't sound cruel at all Jonsey....it sounds like the last few years have been a living hell for you....I respect that you don't feel suicidal anymore and hope that you have aspirations for bigger and better things in your life.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2008 at 11:37PM
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Jonesy, when you head out on a trip this fall, let me know - I might just join you. You can visit me in Florida and we can take off from there.

I am serious - I have had a rough last couple of years - I need to take a deep breath and do something to relax ME -been doing for everyone else, now it's time for Jo to do something fun!

Send me an email!

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 10:15AM
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My plans for the rest of my life are to travel until I reach X amount of dollars, then buy a cat and settle in at home. My exterminator who has been doing our termite control for 30 years said, don't stop until you are broke then get a reverse mortgage. LOL

Kay, if you find a trip you want to take, email me. I have booked a cruise and land tour to Alaska for June 22, 08. I have a room mate already. It costs $1500. extra to travel single on this trip. I have had room mates (strangers) on all of my trips but one bus tour and they worked out fine except for the last one. And that was with my best friend, wouldn't ya know it would be that way.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 12:59PM
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The trip I want to take as soon as possible (read end of May) is to rescue my grandsons from that place they call home, with those people who hold dominion over them - those they call Mommy and Grandma Carol and Grandpa Poo. They are spending most of the summer with their MeMaw Jodie - that's MEEEEEEE!!!!

I will be ready to travel a bit once I have everyone back in school and have gotten moved - probably Octoberish!

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 5:38PM
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You know, I never settled, but sometimes, I wish I had. I look at my friends who have been married for many years, have kids and grandkids, and family holidays, and I'm envious. Still, they may be envious of my freedom too, although none of us had ever said anything.

Right now, I'm just trying to stay above water, and if someone came in and swept me off my feet, it would be more of an inconvenience than anything else. Still, I remember what passion is like, and although it diminish with time, it's always nice to look at your long term partner and remember that there WAS passion.

I had a very passionate relationship that ended over a year ago, and I still think about him. I've met really nice guys, but no one who just makes me want to strip him nekkid every time I was near him like this guy did.

I guess at my age, I'll have to settle for what I can get, but I don't have to like it.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 10:34PM
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You are singing to the choir, JYG, I felt the same way about my late husband - he and I had an animal attraction that drove us insane! He will never be replaced in that catagory.

I won't settle for anyone - just can't see it happening. At my age, I will settle for having a good friend to hang with - that's the best I will hope for. I do miss having someone to talk to, sit with and do fun things with.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2008 at 10:40PM
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That's it in a nutshell Jo!! Yes, it would be nice...


    Bookmark   February 3, 2008 at 12:43AM
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Hey Junkyardgirl, people always seem to want what they don't have. Many parents wish they had never had kids, if they couldn't have had them it would broken their hearts. I was going through major burn out regarding marriage 10 years ago, I was envying the working girls, especially the ones with the capability to earn a good living. The ole, "grass is greener" thing.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2008 at 10:42AM
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Had a really great weekend. I remembered the advice I got here, and stopped fussing over what or what not. He was trying extra hard too, even tho I never did get the foot rub he promised! lol

We went and visited his daughter and her family. She has a month old baby girl that is only 10 days younger than my grandson I've not been able to hold yet. She is absolutely perfect. Perfect little lips and eyes and nose and ears. Sweet little toes........
Her mom is very very generous with her. She finished nursing her, and handed her right over to me. Ohhhhhhh heaven. She's certainly not a replacement for my little Ean, but a very good substitute until I can get my hands on him in April!

    Bookmark   February 3, 2008 at 9:55PM
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