OK, Add Your Own!

kayjonesJanuary 6, 2008

TIDBITS that may be worth pondering:

Love is grand! Divorce is a hundred grand.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common - they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

I am in shape - round is a shape

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Don't be afraid to try new designs. After all, Noah's Ark was designed by amateurs, and the Titanic was designed by pros.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

All the $10 words in the world won't hide a 10-cent personality.

Worrying is interest paid on trouble long before it's due.

Never presume malice where incompetence will suffice.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

There will always be death and taxes - however, death doesn't get worse every year.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

You are only young once- but you can be immature forever.

An expert is someone who is one page ahead of you in the manual.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Never play leapfrog with a rhinoceros!

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Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield

    Bookmark   January 6, 2008 at 7:59PM
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I really LIKE THAT one - thanks!

    Bookmark   January 6, 2008 at 8:42PM
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I learned that one years ago, when I opened my E-trade account and bought AOL stock...lol

    Bookmark   January 6, 2008 at 9:04PM
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Sorry guys, I am not good at this, but you keep it up!

    Bookmark   January 7, 2008 at 9:36AM
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tinmantu....I know that song...

Dire Straits - The Bug Lyrics

well it's a strange old game - you learn it slow
one step forward and it's back to go
you're standing on the throttle
you're standing on the breaks
in the groove 'til you make a mistake

sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all

you gotta know happy - you gotta know glad
because you're gonna know lonely
and you're gonna know bad
when you're rippin' and a ridin'
and you're coming on strong
you start slippin' and slidin'
and it all goes wrong because

sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger baby
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all

one day you got the glory
one day you got none
one day you're a diamond
and then you're a stone
everything can change
in the blink of an eye
so let the good times roll
before we say goodbye, because

sometimes you're the windshield
sometimes you're the bug
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're a fool in love
sometimes you're the louisville slugger baby
sometimes you're the ball
sometimes it all comes together baby
sometimes you're going to lose it all

    Bookmark   January 7, 2008 at 12:19PM
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Thanks guys & gals,

I have a friend in Houston who sends out a "Saying for the Day" every day. They sometimes get a little pithy so maybe if I send these to him he'll have a supply that won't sound so much like preachin'.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2008 at 1:41PM
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Pay attention to the idea that won't leave you alone.

Never give advice unless asked.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2008 at 3:46PM
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Without fools the rest of us could not succeed.
~ ~ ~ Mark Twain

    Bookmark   January 7, 2008 at 9:50PM
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"A day without sunshine is like night"

That one made me laugh... sounds like something a 3 year old would come up with..

"There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness." ---Dave Barry (oh, so, so true)

    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 12:41AM
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Sounds like something Steven Wright would say. He's the funniest comedian.

Here's some more of his:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't?

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 2:31PM
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Oh, my god, those are great!!! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 3:44PM
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Thanks all, these are great. I needed a good laugh.

    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 8:32PM
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I'm like Eloise I guess - I'm not good at this stuff, but it's fun being a spectator!! I'll try to pull some together though.

Keep it coming - yep, need the laughs!!


    Bookmark   January 8, 2008 at 11:47PM
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Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

    Bookmark   January 9, 2008 at 3:27PM
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    Bookmark   January 9, 2008 at 5:33PM
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Life's lessons I have experienced personally..

Being drunk doesn't make me 8 foot tall and bullet proof. (didn't get shot, but came close)

Ex-lax is not chocolate!! (yeah, I tried it as a kid................................................once)

Oh and taking a whiz on electric fences is not as funny to the person whizzing ,as it is to spectators (I plead ignorance, didn't know it was that close.)

Trash bags DO NOT make good parachutes.

At a bar, always keep track of which beer is yours. I once mistook a bottle of spit for my bottle of beer. (Dang tobacco chewing cowboys.)

    Bookmark   January 9, 2008 at 8:37PM
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I remember it well. Had to put a chair on the kitchen cabinet and climb up to get it off the top of the kitchen cabinets. Not only sick as a dog but got a whuppin' too.

    Bookmark   January 10, 2008 at 8:46AM
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Michael, actually you WEREN'T that close! LOL

    Bookmark   January 10, 2008 at 5:54PM
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Michael, glad I wasn't your mother - she must have gone through many lifetimes worrying about you!! I hear that's the stuff boys do. My sister had 2 but I only had one girl. She keeps telling me that the Good Lord must have known what he was doing when He gave her boys. I watched what she went through and OMG, I'm not sure I could have done it! My nephews, and my cousings (3 boys) all were pretty much like you. They've calmed down now and have families of their own. Wasn't sure the younger one was going to live olong enough to have a family!! They were alwasy good kids though - just mischievous.

I'm REALLY getting some good laughs with these posts!!

    Bookmark   January 10, 2008 at 8:16PM
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Gnee, Michael ALSO is a tornado chaser! I don't know about this boy!

    Bookmark   January 10, 2008 at 10:25PM
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I gave up tornado chasing after my close call a few years back...I still dream of chasing them though.

    Bookmark   January 13, 2008 at 3:26AM
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I know you believe you understood what you think I said
But I'm not sure you realize that what you heard
Isn't what I meant.

In your life, you are only person you will never leave or lose
To the questions of your life, you are the only answer
To the problems of your life, you are the only solution.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2008 at 1:32AM
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I've always wanted to do the chase thing with tornados. I remember when one was going close to my old house. I kept hearing a noice and for the life of me, I just couldn't stop walking to it - NOT GOOD! I was outside during a hurricane that came through here - until I came to my senses and got scared. I love being outside and warm rain or the time right after a Spring rain are the best times to be outside. I guess a hurricane or tornado don't qualify for one of those - LOL.


    Bookmark   January 14, 2008 at 1:37AM
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I was sitting in a car in a shopping center when I was 9 years old....think being in the front row against the building saved us. It flipped a semi, shattered our windows and bent the big sign over to the ground...since then I've been fascinated by them. Just know better than to hop in a car and chase them anymore. heh

    Bookmark   January 15, 2008 at 8:09PM
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