How to find older single Friends?

marys1000January 9, 2007

I'm not against hooking up but am fine on my own too.

Mostly I find it so hard to find single friends my own age (50). They're either married or or have grandkids and not really interested in new friends (I moved to a different state 3 years ago plus there seems to be some suspicion of people who have never been married). I work in a field that is populated by people that are very traditional, almost exclusively men.

Any ideas? I'm fairly normal other than the non married no kids part. I have made some younger friends here but their lifestyles surround kids which is fine some of the time, but I'd like some alternatives.

Mary

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sylviatexas1

I've been divorced since 1980 or thereabouts, & I've become very comfortable with doing what I enjoy doing & seeing who shows up!

My oldest friends are still my friends (or maybe "again" my friends, since most of them dropped out for child-rearing & now their children are grown), but my group of day-to-day friends tends to be fluid, based on what I'm doing at the time.

Work friends, hobby friends, Sunday friends, gardening friends, pet friends, etc.

Guys know how to do this very well, their gatherings are often centered around an interest or a project:
the Corvette Club, or baseball in the park, etc.

Do what you enjoy doing, & chat with anybody you see there.

Always carry business cards with your name & cell phone number or email only, & hand them to people you might like to chat with again.

I've come to love the element of structureless serendipity that comes with this kind of thing:

The other day when I paid my Realtor dues, I commented to the person writing receipts that I liked her earrings & asked her if they were handmade.

Yes, they were, & one thing led to another, & when she finds out when the next class starts, she's going to call me & we're gonna learn to make jewelry.

that kind of thing.

To meet guys, I think it's the same way:
They're going to be where they can do what they like or what they feel good about.

Guys who like football are at the restaurants/bars that have football parties on Sundays.
(I think the guys at the actual games tend to be married ones who go with wives or other married men friends. don't know why I think that, it's just my impression.)

Guys who like building or who have strong feelings about providing housing for people who need it are building Habitat for Humanity houses.

You won't run into a bachelor herd this way (unless you like Corvettes too!), but you always meet *somebody*, & at the very very worst you'll do something that you enjoy.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2007 at 4:32PM
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asolo

"I've become very comfortable with doing what I enjoy doing & seeing who shows up!"

Terrific amount of wisdom in that short sentence.

The world is full of wonderful people. They're all around all the time. You don't have to be "looking" -- just interested (interesting helps), open, and out and about being the kind of person you, yourself, like being.

I don't care for "herds" anyway, but I've always enjoyed nice people, especially when I learn there are common interests between/among us. For some unknown reason, some of them seem to like me, too. You never know where its coming from, but it does come. I have little doubt somebody in your orbit is looking for someone pretty much like you. And if they aren't, they know somebody who is.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2007 at 6:10PM
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raee_gw

I have been wondering this also--& I find it hard because of who I am (a very quiet, introverted, self-contained nature.)
Most of my co-workers are much younger women at a very different life stage. My work schedule makes attendance at classes or other regularly scheduled activities irregular.
I've not found a church community yet that matches
my religious leanings (rather conservative),but is comfortable with a lifestyle that has been non-traditional.(Any suggestions out there?)

Mary, do you have a community center that has classes you might be interested in? I didn't make a friend connection, but it did offer a social outlet (when I could attend).

    Bookmark   January 26, 2007 at 2:56PM
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Jonesy

You can meet people almost every where. I have been eating out alone for years and have seen men take a second look at me. All it usually takes is eye contact and smiling. I've never encouraged it because I am married. My husband had 2 or 3 women helping him with his grocery list one time, he couldn't read my writing. LOL

    Bookmark   January 29, 2007 at 11:35PM
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marys1000

I meet people and have had the "pet friends", "bird watching friends" etc. but its not the same as having the kind of friends you can call when your feeling blue, had something great happen, broke down on the highway, and conversely feel needed by them when they do same. Meeting people, and having class or comittee friends is not what I'm talking about. More meaninful, more an alternative family, sort of like when you had best friends when you were young.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2007 at 9:17AM
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marys1000

I meet people and have had the "pet friends", "bird watching friends" etc. but its not the same as having the kind of friends you can call when your feeling blue, had something great happen, broke down on the highway, and conversely feel needed by them when they do same. Meeting people, and having class or comittee friends is not what I'm talking about. More meaninful, more an alternative family, sort of like when you had best friends when you were young.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2007 at 9:18AM
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lpinkmountain

I totally hear you Mary, and totally agree. It takes more than casual friendships to have a fufilling life as a single person. People nowdays I think are very self centered and don't realize how much single people appreciate being included in "family" type gatherings, etc. They also tend to focus on just their immediate circle and don't reach out. I once had a "porch party" as an attempt to get to know my neighbors, and not one of them came! I'm lucky that I have found a few folks who "get" the concept of an extended community. I think staying put for a few more years will pay off for you in the "friend" department. Perhaps you can start doing some low key entertaining at your house, that builds community. Keep trying and don't get discouraged. Easier said than done I know! There are just certain people in this world who have enough room in their lives and hearts for an extended definition of "family" and some who don't. Even folks in my own blood relations aren't that cozy towards me, but if you look at their life, they don't have many outside friends either, just focus on their kids and work. Like I said, some folks are into friendship in general and some are not. You just have to keep looking to find some folks who value an interconnected life.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2007 at 11:20AM
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kayjones

Find a widow or widower's support group and join. You don't have to be a widow/widower to join - just have to have lost a loved one and be grieving.

I have met some really great folks since I started going back to church and joined it's grief support group. Also, every community seems to have a senior citizens center. If you aren't old enough to join, volunteer - there are terrific and giving people who would love to be a friend to you.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2007 at 9:46AM
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Jonesy

I posted above about meeting people, since that post I have been widowed. I don't plan to marry again, but a male friend would be nice to travel with and go to events around town. I am not actively looking. The development I live in is 95% seniors and most are widows. Most all are just a little bit lonely and enjoy a visitor. There are two that I claim as real friends. I lunch out with one 4 or 5 times a week and shopping is our hobby. LOL I don't see the other one as often, she has family and also actively searches for dates. She lives across the street so we visit often.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 7:34PM
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junkyardgirl

I have very good friends at work. We talk about everything, and I can always go to them when I'm sad, or depressed, or happy, or need advice. But 8 hours a day with them is quite enough! I don't need to socialize with them outside of work, although sometimes I do with a few, but not often.

Actually, I have more online than RL friends. How sad is that?

    Bookmark   December 20, 2007 at 10:03PM
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stargazzer

There are also single travel groups. I called one and I asked if they were straight, the lady laughed and said, that is the first question everyone asks and they are. Our park board offers classes for crafts, art, etc.. I think it would mostly be women, but you can't have to many friends. They also play cards.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2008 at 3:30PM
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stargazzer

I looked into both of those sites thinking they would be people looking for friends not dates, but it's a dating site and I backed out. I used to use ICQ years ago and talked to people all over the world. It was a pleasant experience except for one guy. He was the kind that are dangerous to our daughters. He was smooth and patient, it was 3 weeks before he got around to what was on his mind.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2008 at 3:46PM
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newdawn1895

I have to admit it is hard to meet friends (as in girlfriends) at a certain age. I have many childhood friends but they live across the country.

Maybe joining a book club if you enjoy reading. Or perhaps an antique club or the historical society if you love old homes and antiques.

How about taking classes? Although I don't know if you could make too many friends there. How about a gym? Although when I am working out the last thing I want to do is talk. I can't wait until my workout is over.

I live close to the Birmingham, Alabama area. Any idea's?

Women should have girlfriends. Having male friends is totally different. They need their friends we need ours.

.....Jane

    Bookmark   August 10, 2008 at 1:36AM
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kayjones

Join your city's Senior Center - all kinds of activities and a wide range of older people - before I joined, I thought it would be comprised of 'old fogeys', but once I joined, I met many very nice folks, both men and women - no fogeys were found - check it out!

Volunteer for an organization, such as the volunteer fire fighters auxillary or the policemen's auxillary - be aware, they have BIG egos, but you stand a good chance of meeting guys! Political arenas are good volunteer jobs, too.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2008 at 9:01AM
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sayhellonow

My advice is "Don't look." Enjoy your life doing the things you love and with those people you love! If you meet a great fella, good. If you don't, you'll still be enjoying your life. My personal motto is, and I have it posted in my kitchen, is, "Live well, laugh often, love much."

Each day is a gift and we never know if there will be another one.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2008 at 12:26PM
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kayjones

Hey, Asolo, my Friend - it's been a day or two since I've been on this forum - hope you are well.

This list is by no means complete - I want other qualities in my friends, too numerous to list, but here's a sample:

I am looking for a young, rich, single, straight friend with good hair, white teeth, no nose hair - ear hair is o.k., has a valid driver's license, owns a Harley that runs - you get the picture - now, where do I find this person?

    Bookmark   April 23, 2012 at 7:43AM
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asolo

Stay with straight and rich. Young or not doesn't matter. The other stuff can be fixed. What happened to church?

    Bookmark   April 23, 2012 at 2:14PM
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kayjones

Where will I find my knight in shining armor, Asolo? I looked at church - he's not there! LOL

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 4:20PM
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asolo

The feminine desire of the ages again finds voice.....in the wilderness, she seems to be thinking.

Don't know your location or living situation but I can almost guarantee that he's already in your vicinity....and likely thinking the same thing you are. As for the rest, we are all prisoners of chance and circumstance.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 7:09PM
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kayjones

LOL, Asolo - I'll keep looking, but from what I've seen, of the men in MY neighborhood (Panama City, Florida), I don't think there are any knights in it!!!

    Bookmark   April 24, 2012 at 9:53PM
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sayhellonow

"Stay with straight and rich. Young or not doesn't matter. The other stuff can be fixed." This reminds me of something a comedian said recently (paraphrasing):

I just got married again to a woman my age (he's 55). I found out that doctors can build the most beautiful boobs and ass, remove the varicose veins, tuck in the tummy, straighten the teeth, and make most any face beautiful. But you can't fix stupid!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 12:53PM
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asolo

I might add: you can't fix unreasonable expectations. And, if I may be excused (although I know I won't be) women are notoriously expectant....every bit as much as men. Different stuff, maybe, but all the same at the base.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 8:42PM
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kayjones

You are right, Asolo - we want the whole enchilada and a big package, just like men do!

    Bookmark   May 15, 2012 at 7:17PM
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asolo

Back in the seventies they used to talk about how everybody was searching for a BBD (Bigger and Better Deal) in their partnering. Nothing's changed.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 9:57AM
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kayjones

I had the best a couple of times - the first one was for 20 years and he passed away due to cancer and the other, just a short while, but he just sorta faded away.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2012 at 3:46PM
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GGGF

So, have you had any luck, Mary? It's one thing to meet people casually at an event, and another thing to find a real friend. I finally realized, that most people I meet online arleady have a home or at least a place where they intend to stay put. I fall into the class of the single landlower, and boy, are WE stuck! Try getting somebody to come to your land.
I am trying to clean up my place so that I can host events and invite other gardeners here. I was gone 5 years, and my farmland grew up in the meantime. I have pretty decent houses, but the road is a big rough and needs one more culvert: People won't drive up a rough road. [I drive a truck.]
I write plays and poetry and garden. I am retired from journalism, so I don't get out like I used to.
I don't have any answers to give you. I have the same problem. Right now, I just search the web, hoping to meet like-minded people, but it is difficult. I did meet some nice people this way, but I also met some dope users, thieves and alcoholics. You have to be careful.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2012 at 10:48AM
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sayhellonow

Asolo: "What happened to church?"

I think that's a great question. BTW, what state are you in?

    Bookmark   June 3, 2012 at 6:39PM
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asolo

Don't understand anything about your post. What are you seeking?

I prefer not to disclose my state of residence.

    Bookmark   June 3, 2012 at 10:32PM
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sayhellonow

You asked, "What happened to church?"

I responded, "I think that's a great question."

I'm not sure what's confusing about that, and I'm not seeking anything.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2012 at 3:05PM
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fuzzyapple

I feel your pain. I am almost 60 years old divorced several years. No family near me. I work full time but weekends are lonely. I have one teen daughter with pretty much a life of her own. She doesn't want mom around her all the time. I take whatever time I can get with her. She will be moving next year for college. I spread the word at work that I've been looking for things to do and people to socialize with. That has helped and you would be surprised by how many other women feel the same way. I've been invited to dinners, and they took me to a bar/restaurant to play trivia. They do this almost every Wednesday. I did not know that many of my coworkers hang out with each other. I've asked them to keep an eye out for a gentleman friend for me. I thought it best to maybe meet through friends rather then go to bars or go online to meet men. They would not match me up with someone who isn't nice or couldn't be trusted. I just want to spend time going to a movie, dinner, or other gatherings in town. I called my church to see if they had any groups with in the church for socializing and they only have card group. Don't play cards. I have a year to work on this before I am alone. I would put the word out there that you are looking to make friends, it can't hurt.

    Bookmark   June 23, 2012 at 3:29PM
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kayjones

Right, fuzzy! Heck, we are still young enough to 'get out there', but as you said on your other thread, men our age want someone 20 years or more younger - makes them feel as if they 'still have it', when we KNOW they don't! We won't tell - we'll just let it be a surprise for the 40-50 year old women who might hook up with them! LOL

    Bookmark   June 24, 2012 at 3:14PM
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asolo

Yo, kayjones...

Ya knows ah loves ya, but.....

The point of view you just expressed is so far away from reality I don't think there's any getting back to terra firma.

I'm sorry the planet you live on is socially structured the way it is. Mine is not. I'm not far away from your age. I've been involved with women 15-20 years on either side for the last two decades. (I would be today except the 15-20 year older pool is thinning out rapidly.) Among those around your (my) age, it appears to me the candidates are about as infinite as they were when I was 30. Just had dinner Friday night at the home of a 50-year-old and her table-full of friends from early forties to late seventies. Lasted hours. The interaction was invigorating.

I suspect your purporting to stand in for your age/sex via using "we" in your expressions is telling. In any event, I don't live in stereotypes. Sad to learn that, perhaps, you do. If I believed the stereotypes about women your age, I'd have turned gay or gone to live in a cave years ago. It ain't true....and never has been. It's one person at a time. Period.

    Bookmark   June 24, 2012 at 11:30PM
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kayjones

Hey, Darlin'! You are correct, as usual - I tend to use 'we' instead of 'I'. My problem with 'dating' guys is the only ones who seem interested are REALLY old - with the idea of sitting around doing nothing. That's just not who I am - I want to get out and about and DO STUFF. I don't watch t.v., go to movies, drink etal.

I don't like sitting for very long - an hour in church is pushing it. I don't like attending gatherings and listening to the 'blablabla' conversations - I just can't get into that sort of 'entertainment'.

As you said, I am doomed to a life on my very own planet!!! Hugs, Jo

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 12:16PM
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fuzzyapple

So how do you let an older man know you are interested? I forgot how to date. I would be embarrassed to ask a man to go out for coffee and have him tell me he is already seeing someone. Is asking friends to be on the lookout okay? I wouldn't think they introduce you to someone if they didn't like him. I had a bad Sunday. Mowed the lawn, weeded the garden, rode my old bike for 45 minutes, ran to the grocery store and watched tv later at night while I painted my "split rock lighthouse" rock. I feel stupid letting people know I am looking for a companion. Anyone with me?

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 4:27PM
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kayjones

Fuzzy, asking friends to introduce you to their single friends is the BEST way, imho! Don't feel stupid - being single and 'looking' is O.K.!

It's been this way since the beginning of time, so you are no different than anyone else who wants a companion - they generally don't come knocking on your door!

Keep us posted on how you do.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2012 at 5:54PM
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fuzzyapple

Would it sounds stupid for me to call up my plumber who is about my age and is divorced to go out for coffee with me or for a drink? I hate to ruin out relationship and put him on the spot. I want him to continue to be my plumber. I've never done this before. What if he says, No?

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 9:01AM
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kayjones

Absolutely! If he says 'no', tell him you just thought you would ask - no hard feelings. Most people would not be put off nor offended if asked out for coffee. I don't think it would harm your relationship at all!

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 2:22PM
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fuzzyapple

Well, I did it! I called someone today. He is my plumber and divorced and two years older than me. He sounded confused at first. I don't think he knew right away who it was. He took my home phone and said he would call me. Who knows, maybe he won't. But it felt good taking the lead. He said he wasn't seeing anyone. I know on the weekends he goes to the lake and isn't around. I figured if he was sitting at night in his apartment alone and I'm alone, what the heck.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 6:32PM
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kayjones

WONDERFUL! Now, we will want to know what happens - if he calls. This is so exciting - and who says you can't go to the lake with him? Oh, the possibilities!!!!

    Bookmark   June 26, 2012 at 6:59PM
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emma

I have met people who have had life long friends and talking to a few, I came to realize you have to put up with a lot of stuff = stress. Some are life long friends because they live hundreds of miles from each other and don't see each other often enough to have problems. Others are just so terribly lonely they put up with anything to have people in their lives. I don't like the stress, so I made peace with being alone.

    Bookmark   June 28, 2012 at 5:40PM
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fuzzyapple

Okay kayjones, he called me the next night. I was shocked. I thought for sure I would hear from him. After we talked a bit, he asked if next Tuesday would be okay around 6 pm. I said it was, and wanted to know where to meet him. He didn't want to go for coffee, he wanted to pick me up and take me to dinner. He said he was like me. In a rut. One night a week he washes clothes, the next night he does the books for his business and etc. He said it would be fun to go and have a nice time. My friends couldn't believe that I would call someone up. But heck, I've been divorced 9 years and no one has come knocking on my door yet. Desperate times calls for desperate meansures. Even if we didn't like each other, it's a start to socializing. It doesn't have to lead to anything, and everyone said, "free plumbing." I said, no. I would not take advantage of someone like that. I will keep you posted on the "date." Shall I actually call it a "date?" It seems so funny at my age.............

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 6:33PM
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kayjones

WONDERFUL! One of the BEST male friends I've had, in my life, I met here on Gardenweb! He was a great human, so, yes - it's good that you took the initiative and called him - keep us posted.

    Bookmark   June 29, 2012 at 8:37PM
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ellendi

Sounds exciting, and you are being realistic. Just goes to show you what can happen when you take the initative.
Let us know what happens.

    Bookmark   June 30, 2012 at 7:51PM
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kayjones

Fuzzy, how was your get-together with your friend?

    Bookmark   July 5, 2012 at 5:57PM
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fuzzyapple

Well the so called "date" was so so. He only talked about himself and did not ask me anything. He talked about his kids and grandkids, his work, his lake place, his ex-wife (briefly). It only lasted 1 1/2 hours. Just enough time to have dinner and a cold beer. It seems funny because I have hardly any grey hair and a 17 year old teen. He has grey hair and a granddaughter almost the age of my girl. I sort of felt like I was with a "grandpa." I wouldn't mind seeing someone a little bit younger. I feel young inside. Maybe that is because I have to keep up with a teenager

    Bookmark   July 10, 2012 at 6:22PM
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kayjones

Fuzzy, I, too, prefer to be a 'cougar', having always dated younger guys 3-5 years younger than me. Men my age act and look like they are done living - heck, not me - I'm still young at heart!

    Bookmark   July 10, 2012 at 9:05PM
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fuzzyapple

I did not like looking across the table at someone who looked like a grandpa with grey hair and getting wrinkles. I thought it was just me. I don't really want to talk all night about grandkids. Oh well, I'll keep an eye open and am not giving up.
My daughter is back home now after her summer program and I don't feel so sad anymore for now. I will enjoy yet while I can. Last night, a neighbor friend invited me out for frozen yogurt and then we went to Starbucks. That was enjoyable. When she dropped me off, she came in the house and stayed until 10:45 pm. That was something different for me.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2012 at 1:20PM
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ellendi

Sometimes we need to make more of an effort. You get points for taking control and maybe you will have better luck next time.
It's great that your neighbor asked you out for frozen yogurt. It's these little things that mean a lot and are important in everyday life. In a few weeks time, invite this neighbor out.

    Bookmark   July 18, 2012 at 9:47PM
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sayhellonow

Kay and Fuzzy, you girls are braver than me, and I admire you for it. I've never been aggressive, or even very assertive, where men are concerned. It was preached to me as a teenager that the guys have to do the asking. A few of my men friends have said the same thing. But I think that's wrong because my daughter met a man one day at a business meeting, and called him a few days later and said, "Let's go have a beer." They are married now.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2012 at 11:12PM
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kushy28

In old age homes and in holy places like church where we spend our time at weekends we can meet new people and by regular chatting we can meet new friends.
But going to such places we have to make a habit in order to engage our selves busy.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2013 at 12:57AM
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