How to Use PSP
How to Use PSP
Supplies you will need: 1 computer, 1 chair, 1 desk, 1 cat, 1 car, 1 copy
of Paint Shop Pro , one 6-pack, clothing optional.
- Step 1: Fix yourself a drink. I prefer Coke myself, but there are times when
I wonder if a shot of gin might help. I tried Cafe _Mocha once, but that
makes a mess when the cat flies from the top of the china cabinet to your
- Step 2: Put the cat outside or in another room and let her clean the Cafe
_Mocha off her own feet. I tried to clean her up once but it took me days to
get the fur off my tongue.
- Step 3: On the way back from putting the cat out, make a stop in the kitchen
and whine because you're all out of Oreos. Decide you can make do with Chips
Ahoy and remove 2 from the bag. Place them on a plate and put them in the
microwave for 10 seconds. During those 10 seconds, pace around the kitchen
island and begin to imagine colors in y our mind. Pastels? Bright Primaries?
Muted earth tones? Dark shades of gray?
- Step 4: Remove the plate of cookies from the microwave, change your mind,
put your clothes on, grab your wallet, and head for the nearest Quik Mart to
buy Oreos. After all, quality images require quality snack food!
- Step 5: Return home, get back into your comfy clothes, and sit down at your
computer and rip that bag of Oreos open with your teeth. That will show your
computer who's the boss around there.
- Step 6: Open your PSP program. Watch it come to life on the screen before
you. Smile with the knowledge that tonight you will create a masterpiece. A
computer graphic that will be so superb, so spectacular, it will make the
world sit up and take notice.
- Step 7: Open a new image. 400 pixels by 400 pixels. When it shows up black
on your monitor, close that, and open a new one with a transparent
background. Open an Oreo and eat the half witho ut the filling.
- Step 8: Fill the transparent image! with a ba ckground of your choice. Change
your mind and undo it. Search your files for a different background. Lick
the filling off the other Oreo half.
- Step 9: Find the perfect background for your image. Celebrate by eating the
other half Oreo.
- Step 10: Fill your transparent image with that perfect background. Decide
that isn't quite as perfect as it looked, growl, undo it, and open another
Oreo. But don't eat it.
- Step 11: Search through the CD where you've been storing special images.
Reboot your computer when your CD-Rom freezes. While your computer restarts,
wander across the living room and end up in the kitchen by accident. Nibble
a handful of peanuts.
- Step 12: Repeat Steps 6 &7, substituting a smirk for the smile.
- Step 13: Fill the transparent image with a solid color of your choice.
Celebrate by eating that Oreo you opened and left laying on your desk.
That's right. The half the cat didn't get when she jumped up on your desk
while you were nibbling peanuts in the kitchen. You didn't put her out did
- Step 14: Decide you don't like the light color you filled the image with and
change it to a darker color. Change your mind once more and settle for a
medium dark color. Celebrate by twisting open an Oreo and eating the half
with the filling first.
- Step 15: Run to the kitchen and answer the phone. Tell the nice man you
don't need new carpeting.
- Step 16: Wander to the living room and look at the TV. Wonder to yourself if
maybe you'd be more inspired if you had a good movie playing while you
paint. Plug in your favorite movie. Have trouble with the *tracking
adjustment*, leave the fuzzy lines across the bottom of the TV screen.
- Step 17: Sit back down at your computer and look at the image with the
medium dark color. Notice the cat sitting under the dining room table eating
the last half of your Oreo. Make a mental note to replace the cat with a
- Step ! 18: Wond er what would happen if you applied a filter to that solid
color. Attempt to apply a filter. When nothing happens attempt to apply
another filter. Make a third try. Realize that your filters aren't working.
- Step 19: Go to PaintShopPro / Plugins / Filters. Yup! They're all there.
Check to see if you unzipped them. Check to see if you installed them. Check
to see if you unzipped and installed them into the right folder.
- Step 20: Unzip and install all those filters you downloaded. Close out all
windows and reboot your computer. Wander into the kitchen while your
computer restarts. Make yourself a turkey on white sandwich. Extra mayo.
- Step 21: Sit back down at your computer. Repeat Step 6. You forgot to save
your image didn't you? Repeat Step 7 with no smile.
- Step 22: Fill your transparent imag e with a solid color. Any color. You
don't care what anymore.
- Step 23: Attempt to apply a filter. Make another attempt. Find that some
work and some don't. Send a hasty email to a friend asking why this is
- Step 24: Make a quick run to the bathroom, then zip through the kitchen on
your way back and freshen your drink. Scotch might be appropriate at this
phase, settle for another coke.
- Step 25: Hear your email sound go off. Rush back to your computer, tripping
over the cat, and spilling half the drink on the carpet. If the kids are out
of earshot, use one of your favorite words and mop up the spill.
- Step 26: Sit down at your computer and read the email from your friend. It
speaks of setup.exe, msvcrt10.dll, and plugin.dll, C:\windows\,
C:\windows\system, D:\PaintShopPro\Plugins\. HUH? WHAT? WHERE?
- Step 27: Growl and eat 2 whole Oreos.
- Step 28: Return to your PSP program and look at your image with the
acceptable solid color background. It's a nice color. Maybe not the nicest,
but nice. Decide you could live with that. It's not so bad. You might even
come to like it. Eat 3 mo! re Oreos as you contemplate all this.
- Step 29: Finally decide that this new image is finished. It's fabulous! A
true work of art! A masterpiece! You've just created a new background to use
on a web page.
- Step 30: SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!