retired to most beautiful place on earth....want to go back home!

booboo60May 20, 2013

Boy, this is really an inactive forum! Well, let's see if anyone wants to respond or help me with this scenario.....

Dh and I retired 5 years ago. We bought property on the other side of the state, much more rural, laid back, no traffic, beautiful lakes, mountains, hot summers, snowy winters, etc. We built a lovely home and I am not happy. I miss my friends and family. We moved from the home town we both grew up in where most of our family live. All our kids are married and have families. We are 2 hours from one, close to one, and 6 hrs. from the other one. (3 kids) Dh says he will move back to our home town if I want but I am not really believing him. He has a tractor here, hunting, it really is beautiful but very isolated. We are 1/2 hour from any shopping, groceries, etc. but 2 hours from any REAL shopping, Costco, fred meyer, target, etc. I have a few friends here but most people are just trying to survive here. It is a poor county with not a lot of jobs, lots of retirees but they mostly live on farms. My dh needs projects and I am afraid if we move back "home" he won't have enough to do. We are going to keep some of the property here but he has worked so hard to make this dream come true. I thought I would like it and sometimes I do but it seems more of a place to visit for me. What should we do? Should we stay a couple years longer? So torn..... afraid he will resent me if we move back, he says he won't! Anyone ever been in this kind of situation?

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I hope we get some discussion going here, it's an "interesting" conundrum you have there. And you have my sympathies!

I've worked as a senior peer counselor for years, and one of the most common problems we see are the older generation far away from the younger ones. Either the parents moved away, or they stayed and the kids moved away. The problem comes when Mom or Dad dies or has a stroke or other major medical problem, and the kids are really under a burden trying to help. It's like, "Mom lives in Florida and needs daily help, but we're in New York, and no one can afford to hire help, and Mom refuses to move." Or Mom is too frail to move. I am all for keeping families closer if it's possible.

Sure, you don't have health problems right now, and your crystal ball isn't working, but what are your plans down the road, what-if scenarios?

Right now, I'll add some things for you and your husband to discuss. Can you afford to move back? Can you sell your new house? Where would you live? Does your husband have any hobbies other than riding around on his tractor? (I know one couple who had to move when he had an accident and was pinned under the yard tractor and broke his pelvis.) I'd suggest that he do some serious thinking about volunteer work and other keep-busy work if you move back.

You should put some serious time into these discussions before you jump to any move. Make lists. Put things down on paper, then put the paper away and bring it out a few weeks later. Still feel the same way? What do your kids have to say?

Sigh, I do feel your pain. My husband will be 66 in a couple of months, but we agree to not even talk about retirement until he's 70 because he loves his work, and has no hobbies. I keep busy with volunteer work, which I love.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2013 at 12:16PM
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Thank you so much for the advice! Making lists is a great dh is just the opposite of yours, he couldn't wait to retire to "farm his land",lol. I don't meant to say he just rides on his tractor all day, he is just an outdoor guy. Lots of yard work, getting wood in for the winter, all kinds of outdoor activities! Meanwhile, I clean, research things on the internet, care for some flowers and vegetable garden but I really have no social life to speak of. I left a wonderful church in my home town and did a lot of volunteering. I had thought too, if we move he could do volunteering thru the church too. I have always thought we were so well matched and now it seems, we have such different needs and wants? Makes me sad.....our kids are fine with the move except maybe the son and family that live 2 hrs. away. I keep trying to tell myself even though we built this lovely home it can be wonderful for someone else too, aren't people more important? Thanks again for your response, it helps for someone to see the problem from a neutral point of view!

    Bookmark   May 21, 2013 at 5:56PM
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My husband's company sent us to California and we stayed there almost 3 years. Before that time was up I wanted to go home so bad. When we finally did I was sorry. Families change, move away and parents who are the glue in the family die. The San Joaquin Valley in California was beautiful and I missed it a lot worse than I missed my old home. So many places to see and things to do.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2013 at 6:09PM
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So sorry EmmaR. That does not sound good, I would really feel the same way if that happened with my family. Fortunately, I have 3 small grandkids and lots of family and friends still there. The housing, weather, and "busy" life style may be hard to adjust to but I found out I don't need 100 acres and a brand new home to make me happy; they are "things" and can't be substituted for people!

    Bookmark   May 22, 2013 at 10:38PM
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I am a nature lover so where there are forests and water I feel I am in heaven. Where I live is flat as______________. LOL

    Bookmark   May 25, 2013 at 11:03PM
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One of those "coulda, shoulda, woulda" scenarios, unfortunately. It isn't easy when two people have differing views of retirement happiness.

I think your concerns about your spouse not being happy in town are justified. If anyone's going to compromise, it seems it has to be you. But how much happiness will that cost YOU?

No one else can judge whether that compromise is worth it to you or not.

What are you missing most? The grandkids? The shopping? Being able to socialize easily?

The only solution would be to figure out a way for you to more easily access the most important "missing links" in your life. If that means renting a room from a friend for a couple of weeks, every few months, so you can enjoy the activities you are missing, then do it, if you can afford to.

Nobody knows how short or how long their life is going to be. If you are unhappy but he isn't, then you have to take the steps to make yourself happy, one way or another. He won't do it for you (and he shouldn't).

There is no such thing as "the most beautiful place on earth" if your heart isn't happy there.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2013 at 4:28PM
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I feel for you.. We have a second home here in Indiana. They are 3 hours drive apart but so different in the way of living. I would "never" agree to moving. Our home down south is out in the middle of nowhere and miles from any . I do go with my hubby not not all the time. He loves it. Our children and grandkids are up here so I am here to stay..

Sure hope it works out for both of you.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2013 at 11:11AM
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Thanks for all the responses! We have moved "forward" in listing our house. The sales are so slow here that we could be here another year or so which I am hoping helps my Dh prepare for the move. If it does sell quickly maybe that would be better too. We went back "home" over the Memorial Day weekend and snooped around, just in our travels we ran into so many old friends and had a big dinner with family while there. Dh said he really enjoyed seeing everyone. Anyway, thanks again for the advice and we both know our marriage is the most important thing, not where we live so grateful for that!

    Bookmark   June 2, 2013 at 12:22PM
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I think you're doing the right thing in moving home. The joy of being with your grandchildren while they grow up will compensate for "projects." And having lots of social/family contact is even good for your health. You can take "volunteer vacations" where you do good works while traveling - that should help him get some of his projects out of his system. Or what about a woodworking class?

I'm not being facetious - my DH and I are building a house next door to my son and his family, and he wanted (and we got) a large lot so he could garden. I know he'll enjoy that as a project and it was a life dream, so I am happy to support him. However, it is the grand baby that is the real motivation, for both of us. Love and people are more important than almost anything else IMHO.

FYI, I gave up the fast track on my career to move back home with my family years ago and have never regretted it. I look back now and wonder why I thought it was such a hard decision at the time...

Good luck!

    Bookmark   June 15, 2013 at 12:28AM
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Sounds to me like you just needed to go RVing to see friends and family maybe 3-5 days a month.
You were in the perfect retirement area with only ONE small problem.
Make new friends where you were.
Get online with skype or something in between visits.

Kick back and enjoy life, its too short to worry about the small stuff.
Fortunately you have a DH that is very forgiving.

My wife and I are about to move 3000 miles away, from NC to Oregon.
We just went on a 27 day vacation cross country for her to see it, she loves it.
She has friends here, but we will skype with them and they can visit us for vacations.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2013 at 12:16PM
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The "small stuff" IS important, the house, the view, and the isolation is not! We do have some friends here but that isn't the same as family. We do have some visitors every year but it is so far away that they are reluctant to come. I love to "go and do" and sometimes am jealous of retirees that live all over the place but "there's no place like home", lol!

    Bookmark   June 17, 2013 at 4:04PM
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Well to each his/her own, thats what makes the world go around I guess.
As for my wife and I that is exactly what we are looking for, The View, in our case we are hoping for a right on the Deschutes River with a dock, the House, and hopefully at least a little bit of isolation.

Wife really has no family left and I am down to an aunt/uncle and 2 cousins and thats it.
We live about 80 miles from them and have for 18 years now and probably don't see them more than 2-4 days a year.
Only reason I am here is because of my mother, which recently passed away at age 95.
So Neither of us really have anything to keep us here at all other than a few friends, they can come visit us in Oregon.

I want my last remaining years to be living in a nice, comfortable area where the weather is meant for human beings not Orchids.
Weather here in NC is WAY too hot and humid for human habitation IMO.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 12:57PM
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We moved 2 hours away from most of our kids and gkids when we retired 8 years ago. We simply couldn't afford to live in the urban suburb with the outrageous property taxes on retirement income. So -- we sold our house and bought 58 acres in the middle of nowhere. We built our house and are mortgage free.

Our kids were very upset at the time but I felt if they wanted to see us and vise/versa we would only be 2 hours away. Well, our farm home is paradise --- I love gardening and have unlimited space. We have dogs and cats and only see the family a few times a year. Yes, we barely know our grand kids.

BUT - I wouldn't give up this piece of heaven for anything. We all have our priorities.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2013 at 5:16PM
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Good for you Ryse. I feel the same way. An awful lot of kids out there want their parents handy to take care of their kids, but it is our time to be free of responsibility and enjoy the years we have left. I envy you your new environment. Enjoy!

    Bookmark   August 7, 2013 at 11:27PM
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I am happy for you too, we all have our priorities and when you retire I think it is easy for some folks to "figure it out" and not so much for others (like me, lol)! My dh and I "assumed" the same thing that we would not be able to afford to stay in our home town. But, after living here (on our 96 acres) for 5 years we realize that isn't the case. We pay more for gas each month because we have to drive farther for everything, our homeowner's policy is more expensive because we are so far from a fire dept., tv and internet are more expensive, our electic bill is also more expensive because of the hot weather in the summer and the colder weather in the winter! It is not an easy choice but I think it will be best for us!

    Bookmark   August 11, 2013 at 4:11PM
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