Is your retired'significant other' harder to live with now?

craftyrnApril 29, 2002

Well maybe not harder to live with but now that your always "under foot" is there anything that drives you bananas that didn't when you /he wasn't retired?

My Hubby -dear as he is to me--is a BIG SLOB !!-'course I've always known it & when we were both working didn't seem to be so bad but now I'm about ready to deck him--HE NEVER PUTS AWAY ANYTHING--leaves drawers & cupboard doors open--drops (lays) whatever he's been using (& is now done with) where ever he happens to be instead of putting it back where it came from--clothes hung on every chair back in the house--shoes in the living rm-slippers in the kitchen--newspaper out on the deck/back porch--gas can he used to fill the mower sitting in the back yard.

Am I the only one ---


Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You have someone to drive you bananas.

Make him pick up after himself (much as you would a child.. he is a 'guy'..)

Enjoy the snoring. You don't know what you got till it's gone.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2002 at 3:19AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

What you do is say, "OK, I put up with this while you were working, but I am really, really tired of it. Therefore....CHANGE!!!"

It will take a while for him to break the habits of a lifetime. You have the choice, nag him as you would a child to remend him, or ignore it and continue to pick up, put away, just as before.

My husband doesn't wear his hearing aid like he should. I find myself talking to him and I realize that he isn't hearing, just nodding as if agreeing. I could slap him silly sometimes. Especially when I am giving him information about appointments, etc and he hasn't heard a word I said. Other than that, he's pretty nice to have around. He can open jars better than I can. If he would just learn how to clean the toilets. LOL

    Bookmark   May 2, 2002 at 12:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree with you, especially if they are able to get around and help in some way. I spoiled my husband for years. Then he got a lung disease and is failing everyday! So I would not open my mouth now to change him.
I am so thankful to have had the priviledge of having a husband that has taken care of me and our children for all these years. I count it a priviledge to be able to have God's love to help take care of him.
I have come to the point where I find that God's Love takes care of everything! It takes a while for God to get our attention!
God Bless!
Betty in Florida

    Bookmark   May 2, 2002 at 12:40PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Or - for us to pay attention to what He (She??) would like us to do.

Sorry I don't remember the name - but the lady whose hisband in incapable of picking anything up or replacing it where he found it.

How about getting a big carboard box from the supermarket - e.g. one that they'd packed paper towels in (or how about having him pick up an appliance box, e.g. a frig one, from the garbage on the street, some day when garbage pick up is due).

Give it a location that's handy but not too much in the way.

When he leaves something somewhere, just pick it up and dump it into the box.

When he needs something and can't find it, maybe tell him he might find it in the box, (maybe not).

Next time when garbage is due, ask him if he'd like to take it out to the curb.

If he doesn't notice - just figures that it's regular garbage, don't let him actually dispose of it.

If he notices and asks what's going on - that's valuable stuff!

Tell him that, as it appears that he doesn't value the stuff enough to look after it, you figured that you might as well dispose of it.


joyful guy/Ed

    Bookmark   February 22, 2003 at 2:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You'd BETTER believe it! Lloyd

    Bookmark   August 16, 2003 at 4:49PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


How about, every time that he leaves something lying around, pick it up, make a special trip to where he is (even at a distance, e.g. the back yard) and give him a crack on the ass with it?

But - if you start it, be persistent - keep at it until he gets fed up enough with your doing it that he mends his ways.

Some (many?) guys would get pretty stubborn - the "I'll show her - be damned if I'll change" attitude/reaction.

You'll know whether some humour along with it may reduce the sting somewhat - but let him know that, despite the humour, it's a serious matter.

Habits entrenched over a lifetime (well, almost) die hard.

Good wishes for at least a measure of success in the project,

joyful guy

    Bookmark   August 18, 2003 at 4:15AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh my gosh, this does bring up memories. My DH & I both worked full time, except I had the privilige of doing the laundry, cooking, picking up, etc. etc. etc. When we retired, he played golf everyday, I loved playing golf, so I did too. The beds didn't get made, dishes not washed, laundry stacking up, etc. etc. One day DH brought all this to my attention so I took care of it. I hired a housekeeper! But then when I cooked he informed me that I hadn't cooked his scrambled eggs the way he liked them,(we were about to celebrate a 40th anniversary) a bit on the wet side. So I just handed him the eggs, the skillet and said "Have at it!" After he got the bill for the housekeeping, & cooking his own breakfast, he announced he was now open to negoiations & we had a happy home at last.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2003 at 10:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I had a terrible time adjusting to my husband when he retired. It has taken me awhile, but he is easier to live with now. I went somewhere every day when he worked, when he retired it was, "where are you going", "another new blouse", "what did you buy", "can I go with you", the worst was when he started taking me everywhere, even the beauty shop. New boundaries have to be set. I give my husband all the freedom he wants, it is hard for him to let me have the same freedoms, insecure I think.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2003 at 10:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


He's had a major change in lifestyle, recently.

Including - friends that he dealt with every day ... just aren't there, now.

Even if he gets together with them after work - their interests are different now, and such probably won't last.

I hope that he can find some other interests, hobbies, friends, volunteer work, etc. to give him something to do.

Some people plan ahead for it, others think how wonderful it will be not to "have to go to work" any more.

But ... after a couple of weeks or a month of "nothing to do" - they get bored.

Some are better than others at finding whatever portion they choose of a wide variety of things to keep themselves busy, interested and occupied.

As a retirement consultant, I've heard many say that they couldn't find any time to go to work now, that they are busier than they ever were while employed.

And most of them are as happy as can be - they're picking and choosing what and when they like to do things.

Good wishes for your guy finding some interesting things to do and friends to do them with.

Some, especially old farmers, retire and move to town.

I don't know whether they are like fish out of water, or are unable to find things to do and ideas to pursue - but a number of them, six months or a year or so later, turn up their toes and die.

A shame.

ole joyful

    Bookmark   January 31, 2004 at 1:08AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have enjoyed reading this post, not retired yet, but hubby is not far away (2 more years at the most he says). Our best friends retired and they got on each others nerves so bad, they both went back to work! She said "he was driving me crazy"!

Jonesy, it sounds like your husband needs a hobby - don't let him do that to you.

Diane, my hubby is like this right now, so I guess I'll start training him now! It's so much easier to just pick it up and say to "he__ with it", but that will be to my disliking when I can't bend over to pick his crap up anymore as we grow older.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2004 at 9:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My husband was an office manager before he retired. For a couple of months after he retired he went around the house "organizing" every drawer and cupboard. He would put rubber bands around things, etc. Then I couldn't find anything. Thank heavens he settled down after a while and leaves the organizing to me!

    Bookmark   February 22, 2004 at 5:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Joyful, he has a big time hobby and he puts in more hours on his hobby than he did on his job. He restores Cushman Motor Scooters. He is just insecure about me running around without him, a wreck, car jacking, flat tire, etc..

Here is a link that might be useful:

    Bookmark   March 4, 2004 at 7:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Sorry guys I couldn't read all the post on this thread, I have impaired vision and I miss a lot of things but I just had to get my 2 cents worth in on this one. My husband has been retired over 15 years and never, never, never has he gotten under foot. I have been too busy doing the things that I want to do. I'm sure I have gotten on HIS last nerve. I have become a real slob. Who has time to pick up and put up when you are just going to need it again and why waste precious time. There are only 24 hours in a day and I have a weeks worth of living to do in each day. My DH is an early bird, I am a night owl. I would garden around the clock if I could, he has absolutely no interest in it. What we do have is a deep love & respect for each other and would never think of suggesting that the other change, or do things differently. If he is happy, that makes me happy and vise versa. I am no little susie sunshine but just the fact that I know he is somewhere, maybe off rambling in the woods is good enough for me. We do have interest in common and agree on the important issues. What we don't agree on, we can compromise, because we care about the other's feelings. WHY is this so important to us after almost 23 years of marriage...because we had 18 & 20 years, respectively married to people who did not care about us. We know what we have and we are still enjoying every minute of it...after all these years....I'm smiling here! :- )

    Bookmark   March 5, 2004 at 2:01AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am married to a very neat guy. He has clothes for shopping, clothes for working in the garage and clothes for wearing in the house. After shopping he hangs up his clothes. I can always tell what he as worn, because I button his shirts after laundrying them, he leaves them unbutton after he wears them. I have to smell the armpits to see if they need to be laundered, we really have a good laugh when he catches me doing that. He has garage work clothes which he lays on a bedroom chair. His in house clothes usually sweats go in a drawer. He never throws anything on the floor except newspapers by his easy chair.

Twilight, I think we are all individuals and have different priorities. I was born loving pretty things, my home is very pretty and I keep it neat. What's the point in having a pretty home if it is not clean or piled high with junk. I have been in homes where you can't sit on the sofas and chairs because there is stuff piled on them. I am not a neat freak, but I want my home to look nice and I think a messy home is a bad reflection on me as an adult.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2004 at 7:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Jonsey, I also have a very nice house. I had at least a dozen of them before this one, which I kept immaculate. What a waste of my time. I have severe limitations and how I expend my energy is more important to me than how "pretty"
someone thinks my house looks. Do I have a mess all over my house? Of course not, I prefer things clean and when I have the energy I do the housekeeping that is most important to me. We are animal lovers in the sense that they are members of our family. Do they have the run of the house? Do the birds make messes everywhere? Of course not, nor did my children when they were home; nor do our grandchildren when they are with us. My kids had their own room which they could keep pretty much as they liked. Our birds have their own room and an aviary outside. Our dogs have the run of the kitchen & laundry area and are allowed to sit on the couch after our evening meal for a little while, I made a special quilt where we could all be comfortable doing this. My kitchen & bathroom absolutely have to be clean but that does not preclude me leaving my reading material stacked on a table or seeds sitting to dry.
I too have my own room where I would not want anyone to try to go in, it's mine and my stuff is not a mess to me. Who else would be interested anyway. They can stay in the living room or dining room, not in my private room. Yes, I have been know to leave things "out of place" in the workshop, I am visually challenged, things out in the open are easier for me than when things are "put away". I don't have a pretentious bone in my body, I don't need anyone to think one way or another about my home. If my husband and I like it, then that is all that matters. Maybe I don't like "pretty" things the way you do but I do have a huge collection of M I Hummel and lots of very old Egermann ruby etched glass as well as a large collection on dolls, mostly handmade, each one I bought in a different country when I traveled there. Perhaps my Delft, or antique stained glass windows would not be pretty to anyone but myself, but then no one else has to live here.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2004 at 8:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Twilight, I enjoyed your posts so much. It would appear that you and I have a lot in common! If you were in Arizona instead of Alabama, I'd invite you over so we could share a pot of tea and conversation about our "night owl" habits and our love for gardening. I like my house to be clean and I have nice things but I can live with a little clutter, also. My husband is my best friend. We celebrated our 36th Anniversary this week! We both try to treat each other with dignity, love and respect. I truly don't consider him harder to live with since he retired. It has taken some adjustment but we enjoy each other's company.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2004 at 9:50PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh, I have clutter. I have sold most of my 25 year collection of dolls and am selling the misc items on EBay. So I have packing boxes and material around. I always clean out the utility room after Christmas and it is half done because my husband was diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks before Christmas, so that has not been finished. We go for treatments every day. Last week he almost died and had to have for units of blood, so my home is at the bottom of my lists of priorities at this time. It is clean, but very cluttered at the present time. When our life gets back to normal, I will have it back in shape.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2004 at 3:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Good wishes and some prayers for you and hubby.

ole joyful

    Bookmark   March 25, 2004 at 1:51AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks joyful, The hospital stay was right out of a horror movie and we would have collected big bucks if we sued them. My husband couldn't stand the stress of testifying.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2004 at 7:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I also have a hubby who leaves things lying around,and the idea of putting everything you find in a box or basket sounds great.If I put his things away where they should go he kind of half kiddingly says I hide them.Now he'll just have to go to the box.Might just work!

    Bookmark   January 9, 2005 at 5:30AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I had forgotten about this thread and wanted to husband had 40 radiation treatments with only minor discomfort. His follow up blood work ups are good, the only problem now is his memory and that is only going to get worse. If it had been me I would not have taken the treatments, I would rather die than live with Alzhiemers. BUT then again, I had rather have it than see him go through this. He put on a new lid cover for the stool and it took him over 30 minutes to figure out how to do it. This is a man that has had repaired his rental property for 30 years. Heartbreaking!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2005 at 9:11PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Let's just say that I am thrilled when I get to go the market by myself.

    Bookmark   January 23, 2005 at 1:33AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


More thoughts and prayers for you - and for hubby.

((((Jonesy and hubby)))).

ole joyful

    Bookmark   January 25, 2005 at 4:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks joyful, sometime all I want to do is cry, other times I just want to pack my bags and run away, but I don't do either. I just keep on keeping on.

    Bookmark   January 25, 2005 at 9:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


Around here the expression that they use related to Alzheimer's is " ... the long good-bye".

How true.

How frustrating to look into that face that has become beloved over the years ...

... but the brain that we thought to have been inextricably attached to it ...

... has (pretty well) gone.


One feels like crying, indeed. And sometimes does.

And, as you say, responsible people just keep on carrying on.

Again, ((((((Jonesy and hubby)))))).

(usually, but not always) joyful guy

    Bookmark   January 26, 2005 at 4:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Jonesy, I can sympathize with your feelings of watching your husband's mental health deteriorate. I went through this with my Mom and now my oldest sister (age 79) is experiencing many of the same problems. It is heartbreaking to watch. Sending good thoughts. Bettye/AZ

    Bookmark   January 30, 2005 at 1:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I love the box idea. Must get one soon. DH of 26 years leaves things everywhere. Right now there's a coffee mug on the bedroom nightstand, socks on the chair, newspapers in two locations, TV and computer parts still in boxes in the dining room. I will get that big box, pick up and place everything in it. Then just wait for him to ask "where's the TV satellite tuner that came the other day?" In the box,darling. When we were first married, he'd get home from work and remove and toss his clothing as he walked in and up towards the bedroom. There would be a tie in the living room, shirt on a chair, undershirt in the bathroom, shoes and socks in four different spots. And, being a good little wifey, I would gather everything, launder as needed, then place in the closet or drawer where it came from. He didn't seem to notice,but he did expect the maid service to continue. After a while, I was exhausted from taking care of him AND two kids AND working 52 hours a week. So instead of picking up after him, I went thru the house and stuffed all his clothes under the bed. After about a week, he ran out of socks and underwear. He asked me if I had seen his stuff. Look undewr the bed, dear. That cured him, at least partially. From then on, he'd put all his clothes on one chair. (I tried a hamper,it was too much effort to lift the lid,I guess.) But at least the mess was confined. And when I did laundry all I had to do was take everything off the chair. Now I must get a BIG BOX.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2005 at 1:18PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
What bothers you the most at your retirement home?
Hello. We are a group of graduate students at the University...
Anyone considering retiring to Panama or Ecuador?
Hi! My husband and I are middle income and with the...
Elderly mother cancelled her long-term care policy
Apparently, the premiums were increasing significantly...
Should my husband retire at age 55?
My husband will be 55 next Febuary and can retire with...
anyone have two homes in retirement
dh and i have been having trouble deciding where to...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™