Marriage Question

TexasMama2000April 19, 2013

I was wondering if any of you have had my problem. I've been married for 20 years. I'm not sure why I didn't see it for a long time but my husband is just not the slightest bit romantic. I was dealing with it okay I guess but one day I was driving down the road and a really sweet, romantic song came on the radio. I flashed back to when I was in my twenties and dating a guy and we were dancing to that song. I just started crying because I realized how much I have missed romance. The thought that I will never have another romantic moment just hit me between the eyes. I've been sort of pining about it ever since.

I have tried and tried all kinds of different things with my husband to spark some passion and romance, but honestly, it's just not in him. He just doesn't have that attribute at all.

Have any of you experience anything like that in your marriage? If so, did you get through it? How did you get through it?


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Send him to the doctor for a prostate check. Many middle-aged men lose interest in libido when they develop prostate problems (or other physiological problems). It sounds like a complete physical is in order. Maybe his testoserone is low.

Is he stressed or depressed?

If your husband is healthy, then it may be he has performance anxiety. With a clean bill of health, he can use a medication for male enhancement - no embarassment in that. Suggest a male enhancement medication to him and ask him to give it a try.

His interest may just come back if he gives the prescription medicine a try - worked for my 70-year old neighbor and his 65-year old wife!

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 8:17AM
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If he doesn't have that quality, you need to focus on qualities (good ones!) that he does have. No one is perfect; he must have something good about him; you married him.

I'm not trying to minimize your sadness; I have a very romantic husband, so I don't know how you feel. but don't dwell on what you (or he) don't have, focus on what you do! :)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 8:32AM
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I'm assuming when you say romantic you're are referring to something broader than sexual interest. If not my response below doesn't apply.

My DH is not the outwardly romantic type either but I've accepted that and have gotten over wishing he would be different than he is. After 35 years of marriage, I'm pretty sure he is what he is and isn't going to fundamentally change.

There are many things I love about him and we have a wonderful, fun life together. No one is perfect and I don't dwell on his "deficiencies". I know he loves me deeply and that I'm his soul mate, even though he isn't the romantic type.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 9:16AM
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My hubby is not the romantic type either. He has surprised me a few times over the past 45 years. But, he is so good in so many other ways. He is a wonderful dad and has been a wonderful provider for us. Spending time with his parents over the years I knew why he was the way he was. I just don't think they know how to do romantic things or just how much it means to a person.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 9:34AM
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You are right, Gibby, it's not about sexual function. He has no problem with that. I'm beginning to not be so interested, though, as a lack of romance and creativity makes it very routine.

My mother died last year and it seems like I'm grieving all kinds of stuff including her. I normally don't dwell on it so maybe I'll just chalk it up to grief and start letting go.

Thanks everyone. It means a lot to just hear that other women have this issue and how they are handling it. Yes, he is a great person in so many ways. Romance and his self-esteem are the only things I'd change.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 10:16AM
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What is romance?? If I am going out for a day with my gal pals, my DH will wash my van and gas it up~~and listen to all my chatter about our day when I get home. He will come home from the gym and have stopped at the grocery to get me a candy bar or a treat I like. if I am just feel poopy some days he will ask, do you want me to get you a green burrito for dinner;)

My DH really is always doing sweet things for me, that to me is romantic. If I am out and about with the grand kids or our kids all day he will run out and buy me some take out so we do not have to cook and mess up the kitchen. I love everything he does for me;)

Every morning he asks did you sleep well?

It may not be romance to others but to me it is;) He is showing that he cares and that I matter.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 10:57AM
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YogaLady described my husband completely. Even "how did you sleep?" and I could give him a plate of cat food and he'd eat it and tell me what a good meal it was.

He is not what I'd call romantic, in the traditional sense. One time in one of those "tender" moments, I was laying in his arms and I said, "If I died....what would you miss about me the most?" His reply? "Your cooking." At the time, I was disappointed, but I appreciate him for his many good ways and I accept the fact that he is a simple person who likes simple me....and I am a simple person too. He doesn't buy me cards or flowers. I have no interest in those things but one time coming back home from down the coast where he was working, he got the guy driving the car (bunch of guys together) to pull over so he could pick a flower for me, because it was growing in a ditch and he knew I liked water plants, and he wanted to show it to me, in case I wanted to get some like it.

I have known men who are real asses to live with....according to my friends who are married to them....yet they will always bring them a bouquet of flowers and a mushy card on Valentine's day. Those things mean nothing to me. Someone who will help me around the place....sometimes I have to ask, who was an excellent father to our child, who is kind and understanding about all the animals I drag home or are brought to me, who compliments my cooking and notices if I do anything at all around the house...will say something nice. A person who is genuinely a good person.....those are the things important to me.

I don't know your situation, but the only advice I can offer is to tell him exactly what you want. If that ruins the romance for you....tell him anyway. Even if you have to tell him every time. And brag on him all the time and tell him how much you love and appreciate him.

It is really like training a pet. You ask for the behaviors you want and you reward with affection and lots of "atta boys!" when he does the right thing. Even if you have to ask for it every time. And that includes the bedroom.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 11:13AM
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â¢Posted by YogaLady1948 (My Page) on
Sat, Apr 20, 13 at 10:57

What is romance??

Here is a link that might be useful:

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 12:00PM
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I'm not romantic.....and since the money is in a joint account, I've asked my DH "not" to buy me things with "our" money. We do everything together, so we're together grocery shopping, clothes shopping...etc. We adore each other, the spark is still there after 34 years.....but other than holding hands, cuddling, saying "I love you".....looking into each others eyes and seeing my best songs we candle lit dinners....not into it. :0) We share the closeness and experiences of a lifetime. Thats all I ever wanted.....

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 12:10PM
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My husband isn't romantic either. Occasionally he does try with the flowers but it comes off as stilted - like he's performing a role. I finally put him out of his misery and told him to stop with the flowers and cards.

But he takes out the garbage, gets rid of spiders, changes lightbulbs, fills my car with gas, dries the dishes, all those little things. Some wives may think that those are jobs that DH's SHOULD do but for my husband they really take some thought and for that I feel spoiled and that to me is romantic.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 12:32PM
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LOL Marilyn~~~what you said about men~~they are like training a pet;) I have told my DD's and DGD just that~~men are simple minded when it comes to us women folk. I have heard Dr Phil say to women on his show just that, and that we gals need to tell men what we want and they will do it! Also he tells ladies that men have a short attention span~~I have told my young DD when she is talking to her BF, she is using to many words shorten it up;)

My husband is my sweetheart and I tell him that daily and he does respond very well to that;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 1:22PM
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not to seem curt buit be grateful you have one and that he comes home everynight

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 3:46PM
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Well, Marilyn, you made me tear-up pretty bad. 59 years my DH and I have been married... he always has done the cards and flowers and remembers important days: not romantic, just sort of rote and he rarely made me feel, I guess really special. And I think, maybe THAT is what romantic feels like. So, during these last 12 years as my health issues have worsened, he has more than stepped up to the plate, so to speak, and been the best helper/caregiver anyone could ask for. Now, 5 weeks into recovering from a really bad fall and broken bone at the shoulder.... Has he ever been my hero! Without a thought, he drove our motorhome from Mexico near Phoenix to Oregon in 2 1/2 days, so my own doctors could see to my needs, he has helped me to lift this heavy bodyand to take care of ALL of my needs.... this hard Marine, who kind of grew himself up to be tough and strong and alone....until me. Isn't that the best!.,

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 3:55PM
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I'm going to guess that you want to feel more *cherished*. You said your mother had died a year ago -- maybe left a deficit of TLC?

Death always reminds us that life is finite. We reflect on where we are, where we've been, where we are going -- and with whom.

I'd experienced suitors who were 'romantic' and 'exciting'. I chose Honest, True, Kind, Good. Neither my DH nor I were crazy-in-love, and I sometimes wonder if one of the crushes would have continued to be exciting in that same way for almost 50 years. But that's not the path *I chose*, and we are happy together NOW.

I agree completely about asking for what you need and responding with enthusiasm for every move towards that. Men do seem to need to hear you (briefly) one day; think about it at least overnight; be reminded from time to time.

I think that men are the more 'romantic' gender, but learn to hide it, thinking it's not 'manly'. Maybe you could try a little more flattering attention? Couldn't hurt.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 4:57PM
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I don't know how old you are, but do you think you might be more emotional due to peri/menopause? I know I get that way sometimes for no reason, so I put it down to hormones. After a couple of weeks the touchiness goes away. Maybe it's not a good idea to read/watch romantic books and movies right now. :)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 6:15PM
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YES! Nanny98~~~that is the best;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 6:25PM
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I can relate to the "not interested" quote. Every bone in my body screams romance! Holding hands, a gentle touch, a long soft romantic kiss....that's what it is for me.

But since we are not together anymore my mind is more preoccupied with sex.....every which and heavy sex.

your resident DJ

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 7:29PM
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TexasMamma~~one thing I do with my DH, is when we are out on a date or vacation, I would say you have to do 3-5 PDA's 'Public Displays of Affection' on your own, not me touching you and you touching me back. 2 of them have to involve a lip kiss;)

He always gets a giggle out of me saying that and he does do it~~but only the amount I quote;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 7:47PM
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HMMM SamK not sure I can says the 'M' word here, so watch some 'Sex In The City' DVD's and get some ideas;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 7:50PM
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lol..if your dh puts up with slightly mis-shaped top (breast lumptomy) and nothing left after hyst (cervical cancer)being overweight, and not the best housekeeper..but comes home everynight, takes out the garbage, and put up with my cats, 4 kids, and has never been out of work in 43 years....i can do without the flowers, candy and extras...

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 8:08PM
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I gave up. but I was married about twice as long. No idea I came up with for any time spent together worked.

Now, I am divorced, and after an initial shock, I am rather happy by myself.

Good luck on finding a better way to work this out for you.


    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 8:43PM
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Samkaren, don't take this the wrong way....i don't know you very well, so shouldn't say this, probably, but it sounds to me like you really miss him a lot. I'd go over there and "take some". Hey...for old time sake. It might make you feel better or it might make you happier that you are splitting up. Nothing ventured......nothing gained. That's what I always say. ;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 9:58PM
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Marilyn, I like you more and more;)

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 10:04PM
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I have been married for 39 years and I think that the romantic songs and books and movies are just a fantasy for most of us. I feel like a lot of the other posters here. I can do without the flowers and cards and other things like that. I have a husband who comes home every night after work and has never been without a job. He has never hit me. He doesn't drink or smoke and usually doesn't spend money foolishly. He knows I like to got to the casinos and he doesn't but he never says anything to me about it. I have a sister who lost her husband when she was in her 40's. I see how lonely she is now that her girls are gone and they live 3-5 hours away from her. I don't think I would like to be in her shoes. It is tough to sit all by yourself. I think I will keep my husband just the way he is.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2013 at 11:32PM
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samkaren.....that's sex! lol not romance.......
I would describe romance as a type of foreplay......if your already "hot and ready to go".....why spend the money on cards and candy.....wink!

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 12:23AM
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I was away from my computer yesterday and am so surprised at all the comments to my thread. Thanks so much everyone! Reading your comments makes me feel that I'm not alone, even if you don't have my same situation.

My husband is also a good, honest man. I'm not looking for rose petals, candles or anything like that. I guess it's passion. A meaningful look or a question about my life would be nice. I feel like we don't connect on an emotional level at all. I love our life together, our home, kids, grandkids. But as the flame grew dimmer every year, by now we feel more like roommates than spouses. Absolutely no passion or tenderness.

I have tried many times over the years to explain where I'm coming from, my fears and needs, and exactly how he could help. For a while he'll make an attempt, but it's usually all sputtered out after a few weeks. I suppose it bothers me most because without the passion the sexual part is just way too mechanical and a turn off. I feel obligated to have sex with him, but thank goodness it's usually dark so he can't see my face. I'm a very sexual person, but I just want it over with because it's super boring.

Wow, I can't believe I'm sharing this with you all! This is my deepest secret and I had no idea what to do with this. It's really turned into a painful part of my life but sharing it with you all helps a lot.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 11:06AM
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Marilyn you are so wise and smart! You are entirely right on this score. I have always said actions speak louder than words and taking time (which is valuable) to do things for you say "love" to me. Find your own romance to focus on, pick whatever song you like and tell him it is "our" song. Flowers die quickly and what does that say about "romance" but if you need them, order or buy them yourself. Tell him you love him frequently and if necessary ask him after "Do you love me?" be ready for the old standby - I told you once I loved you if anything changes I will let you know. LOL. but eventually he will get the idea.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 11:20AM
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Does your husband know you felt a moment of sentiment? If not, perhaps what you are missing is emotional intimacy. "I know you and get you, you know me and get me."
This is the stuff that fulfills. often, romance and sex is evidence of this. but intimacy is where its at. dancing would be empty in a 20 year marriage without e.intimacy. i highly recommend perusing your own ability to be emotionally intimate. that will bring more chance of change in your marriage than complaints of his lacking. :)

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 12:41PM
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TexasMama, I know exactly how you feel as my DH has no romance in his body but I've lived with it for over 50 years and will continue to do so. The first couple of years were okay but from then on nada and no talking about it improved things, he's just the way he is.

No holding hands, cuddling, etc in this household. I get jealous when I see how my SIL treats my DD, hugs her, pulls her down on her lap, etc. Yesterday she told me that he even calls her sometimes to tell her 'I love you'. Haven't heard that from mine in years.

He has been a good Father and provider, though I worked up till 7 years ago to help do the providing and most of it after we moved from CA to MO.

No, he doesn't do the little things like take out the trash, gas up the car, etc., I do all those things. Once in a long time he'll ask if he can help me with something like bring in the groceries from the car but that's about it.

I was gone for two days doing a yard sale with my DD and DGD and stayed two nights with them, and when I hot home the dog showed more love for me when I got home than DH did.

I'm used to it but I, too, would like a little affection shown on occasion like a spontaneous hug or peck on the cheek. I can't remember the last time I was kissed with a 'real kiss', well over 45 years.

His good points are that he never complains about the things I do or buy, does some of his own cooking, and is very tolerant of my elderly, 82 year old brother living with us. So, guess I'll keep him.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 12:45PM
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Maybe for starters, ask him to sit down in front of your computer and read this.......He doesn't have to know for sure that you were the one to started the post.............but maybe he'll get some idea of what it is that you need!

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 3:16PM
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Texasmama, perhaps today's post by our friend, Moni, will help you:

as women age...

Posted by OklaMoni (My Page) on Sun, Apr 21, 13 at 13:40

This is really funny! :)

What I Want in a Man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

  1. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised (Age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries

  1. Seeks romance at least once a week
    What I Want in a Man, Revised (Age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange
the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with
screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

  1. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised (Age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the
couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and
fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion

  1. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised (Age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't completely miss the toilet.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 3:27PM
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Texasmama, he's not going to change. Don't expect some kind of spontaneous conversion. It won't happen. And maybe he is like Donna's husband and just won't change, no matter what you say or do. As for the bed, I am no Dr. Ruth, but who said he has to run the show? I think women expect too much out of men sometimes. Without being too graphic, find something that gets you in the mood....whether it is a sexy book, a little wine, smoking grass....hell, I don't know...whatever. Then you take a more active role and don't let him set the pace. Nothing is more flattering to a man than being able to turn on a woman. (Even if you have to do most of the work yourself....let him think it's him.) Tell him you want to try something a little different. Shake things up a bit. Don't wait for him to come up with this on his own. And if it is a colossal least you tried. Don't take it is something within him, but if it is really that important to you, know that you tried. And don't forget that you may never have him pick this up on his own. You may always have to be the one who sets the pace and asks for what you want. If that spoils it for you...remember he is a good man. Another thing I would suggest is talk to him more. Outside of bed....share things with him that you might not normally talk about. Intimacy really doesn't begin in bed anyway.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 3:33PM
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My DH did have a romantic side - when he felt like. Flowers once in a while and notes. I found out too late that it was all a farce. As for wasn't that he wasn't interested in sex...he was...just not with me. No passion whatsoever for me. One of the reasons I left. As for the "M" word I can only say "THANK GOD"!!! Better to do it myself the right way then wait-and wait-and wait for him. Read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and took notes...Found it educational.....and believe me I am all for furthering my education!!!!! Also..have been over to see him a few times. got a hug but it felt more like just a friend hugging me. I do miss him and yes I would love to jump him. But that is never going to happen so I don't dwell on it.

your resident DJ

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 5:07PM
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OK, now who DOES have a romantic, passionate DH? (Or once did? LOL)

Are there just 'two kinds' of guys? How does a guy learn? Just what makes some guys pull women to them...and some not? (What made 'the Fonz' of "Happy Days" a chick magnet?) I am going to guess *confidence*.

At his 40th high school reunion my DH pointed out a classmate who had been 'the Fonz' of his class. He was a nice looking, slightly short guy, attending with his much younger (fourth) wife. He won the contest for the person with the youngest child still at home -- a three-year-old.

Someone I dated in college said his father took him to a 'house' on his 16th birthday, and 'the girls' taught him about pleasing a woman. (Wish I had a picture of the expression on my face during that little revelation. And, no, we did NOT do show and tell.)

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 6:28PM
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i do get the hand holding, and always have... and he always offers his arm when the ground is wet and icey...and omg better than sex, he rubs my feet!!!

i always tell ladies never to fall into that after divorce sex... i did with my first hub, and was almost ashamed..and it wasn't the same...

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 7:02PM
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My dh was the romantic type mmmaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnyyyyyy years ago,then along came the kids,and since he was military he was always going off to some foreign land.Over the years the romance part of life in some respects fell by the wayside.We still loved/love each other,and showedit in different ways.

I didn't want the flowers from the florist,as I grow a lot of my own.I do like the cards and the notes and we still do that.

After he had his stroke a lot of things changed but we worked thru it all.He went into a deep depression for awhile which really concerned me.I'd find him sitting in a chair crying and this was so not like him,up to that point I had never seen him cry,even at funerals etc.I called our dr and told him my concerns,he set up an appointment for us,and put dh on some antidepressant,and that helped,and the fact that I now knew why he was depressed,also helped.

Life went on,i got dh interested in gardening as he was bored,not being able to work anymore or do some of the things he used to do.I told him he could do whatever he wanted on the lower level of our yard,and the first thing he wanted was a pond.So I took him to home depot,he got all he needed and a sunset book to show him how to build it.It was all good from then on,he took a great interest in everything gardening and now we work together on the gardens and all the things we want to do.

Fast forward to 2008,i had 2 major surgeries,and he took over everything,the cooking cleaning laundry etc.He still does all of the cooking,grocery shopping,and he washes and dries the laundry,i put it away,and I do the vacuuming,dusting .Wework together in the yards and garden,but we have someone who does the mowing,trimming and stuff for us,we do the rest.

It works good for both of us we both have a few hobbies besides gardening.

We just celebrated 55 years married this past Friday.
Life is full of ups and downs,you just have to work things out where you get the most out of life.

I have found over the years that some people sit around waiting for someone to take the first step.We are both very independent,i got that way during his military years(21) of those.If I need something done,i'll try and do it,if I can't then I call dh,and he does the same.If neither one of us can't do it then we call ds#1.He helps us out a lot now since we're both up there in years,and they don't want us climbing ladders these days and such.

Everyday is a gift,some are just better wrapped than others.

OK off my soapbox now,didn't mean to get carried away.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 7:04PM
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When my husband was alive, he did everything he could think of to love/spoil me - I miss him and thank him for all the loving things he did, every day, for me.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 7:50PM
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Be happy that you have a good husband...that romance is for the movies and those love songs you hear on the radio! Certainly there are a few men that continue to be romantic forever but those guys are few and far in between! My husband believes that he's the romantic type...HA...LMAO! Is it the farting or the belching? HAHAHA! J/K! kind of...

Usually that romantic guy is only around for the dating process then he disappears....forever....

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 8:52PM
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YEA! just got home from going to a swim meet with DD#1 in LA~~@UCLA~~~nice day lots of fun, nice lunch out. Last night I wanted ice cream (I have not been eating it for about 8 months now) Came home today to some Rocky Road ice cream in the freezer~~~that is my romance;)

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 8:58PM
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Maybe we read too many harlequin romances or watched too many sappy romance movies starring Jennifer Aniston and what's her name from Grey's Anatomy. I don't know.

Maybe we've set the bar too high for our men. How do we show romance for our men or do we?

I always thought, and incorrectly it turns out, that my neighbours had perfect husbands and perfect children. I didn't realize until after my kids graduated from high school that their friends weren't perfect and I didn't find out until my friends and I went away for girl-holidays that husbands weren't perfect either. I'm not saying that the husbands were bad people because they aren't but they're not harlequin romance heroes either.

Interesting discussion.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2013 at 12:06AM
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Maybe he feels the same way (mechanical?) and just doesn't know how to broach the subject. "She'll think I am a pervert or wonder why all of a sudden I want to try new things".

Maybe you have the same worries?

My vote is to bite the bullet and be more directive about what you want (not bullying or blaming, just directing). Once you get past the first fluster of it, maybe you both will be happier?


    Bookmark   April 22, 2013 at 9:11AM
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