Have you ever backed out of a euthanasia app't?
For months I've been agonizing over end-of-life decisions for my two dogs (ages 14 and 16). It's been crazy-making, which perhaps explains what happened this morning.
Without boring you with a lot of detail, the basic situation is that the dogs do not need to be put out of their misery; I'm the one who's miserable. But I love them, and they both represent happier times and a deep connection to a daughter I lost.
Anyway, after yet another difficult night last night and not nearly enough sleep, I told myself it was wrong to wait until Angel (the older one) became sick or incapacitated, for that would be sentencing her to suffering. I firmly resolved to have her put down today. After several hours of procrastination, I called and made the appointment. And then I fell apart.
I cried myself into a nosebleed and a sick feeling. I kept telling myself I could call and cancel the appointment, but I pushed on. In pouring rain, I installed a comforter in the front seat of my car, and stuffed treats in my purse to feed Angel on the way to the vet. Angel, my Angel. My loyal protector for 16 years.
Angel just didn't seem any more ready that I was. I prayed to my daughter to give me a sign that I was doing the right thing. I changed my clothes, snapped a leash on Angel, told Wolfy to stay, and we left the house. I walked down the porch steps. Angel jumped off them like a puppy. That was all the sign I needed.
We went back in the house, and I called the vet's office. "I just can't do this right now," I said. "Okay," she said, as if people make this call all the time.
I'm wondering if they do. I've had dogs and cats for over 40 years, and have made many brutally wrenching end-of-life decisions for them. But I never backed out of this kind of appointment before. As my dad always said, there's a first time for everything.
Have you had this experience?
Here is a link that might be useful: Angel and Wolfy - the whole story