Never Wax Your Hoo-Ha (A Funny..Long)

jasdipMarch 22, 2011

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on..........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Fix dinner, watch the grand kids come and go.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet..

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).

I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out.... I must stay conscious... I must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe.... OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not!

I touch.. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake ... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop� My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right ???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.... in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.

'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now ... I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......how bad can that turn out???

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bee0hio

LOL LOL LOL!!!
I'll say this .... you sure know how to tell a story Jasdip!

Good luck on the hair coloring.... we'll be waiting with bated breath for the results!

    Bookmark   March 22, 2011 at 8:51PM
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Kathsgrdn

I've tried to wax my legs in the past, most God awful pain you ever felt...took me about 20 years to forget that pain and stupidly try it again. I refuse to do the hoo-ha, though. No way. I've shaved that before only to be tortured with non-stop itching for days afterwards. I don't know how anyone stands it.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2011 at 9:09PM
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carol_in_california

I am sorry for your pain but I had to laugh and laugh.
I guess one of the nicer things that happen after menopause it that hairy who-whos are not a big problem. LOL

    Bookmark   March 22, 2011 at 9:34PM
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JoAnn_Fla

I know that wasn't you, at least I hope it wasn't.
I added it to "Just for Laughs".

    Bookmark   March 22, 2011 at 10:44PM
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jel48

I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. I couldn't catch my breath. I had tears streaming down my cheeks and had to take my glasses off to wipe them out of my eyes! Had to do that at least 3 or 4 times! LOLOLOL!!!!!! Jasdip this has to be just a joke and not about you, right? If not, I aam sooooooooo sorry!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 5:09AM
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taigen_gw

Oh my goodness this was hilarious!!! I laughed so hard at your poor demise.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 7:49AM
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jannie

That is so funny! I use those wax strips on my chin hairs. Use a regular shaver elsewhere.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 8:55AM
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MariposaTraicionera

Thanks. I needed a laugh, and I'm sorry to laugh at your expense, but you should do stand up comedy!!

I won't be waxing near my "hoo-ha" anytime soon. Not even going to try the razor. I think jungle fever ain't so bad after all, lol

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 11:10AM
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Jodi_SoCal

I'm glad everyone in the office had gone home for the day when I read the story. Else they would have been subjected to wild reels of laughter and witness to me having to mop up my tea sprayed desk. LOL

Jodi-

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 11:47AM
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ravencajun Zone 8b TX

A couple years ago someone posted that on another forum I am on and we all thought it had happened to her LOL then the next week I got it in an email. I have no idea who it really happened to or if it is made up but man we had some laughs over that one. Glad to see it is still making the rounds and spreading laughter!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 11:52AM
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SunnyDJ

That has to be just about the funniest thing I've ever read...Now to get the image out of my head!
OH MY!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 12:41PM
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jasdip

Hey, guys. This did not happen to me, that's why I wrote "A funny" in the subject line.

It sure is funny, that's why I had to share it with all of you!!!

HAVING SAID THAT, remind me, that if something like this were ever to happen to me, I will not share it with you. You all had FAR to much fun laughing at my poor, miserable, painful expense!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!!!!!!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 1:18PM
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joyfulguy

Hoo wooda thought that such a ha-ha ...

... could have travelled so far ...

... for so long!

I remember hearing a story much like this, a couple or more years ago - was it here? I forget.

I did approach opening this thread with some trepidation ... but couldn't bear to miss one o' jasdip's stories.

ole joyful ... who'd better get running outta here, fast, I figger!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 7:29PM
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JoAnn_Fla

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 7:32PM
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kayjones

Did any of you happen to see the show "The Kardashians", when Kourtney waxed Kloe's hoo-hoo? That was the funniest show I have ever seen.

Kloe's husband, Lamar, was coming home that evening, after being away for a long while, playing for the Laker's - Kloe had Kourtney applying MAYONNAISE to see if she could get the pain and redness to go away!!!

I about pee'd on myself, watching that show!!!!

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 8:50PM
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breenthumb

"Kloe had Kourtney applying MAYONNAISE to see if she could get the pain and redness to go away!!! "

Should-da used Windex!!! Amazing what's on TV these days.

Jasdip, that reminded me of some hilarious old KT posts. Before my time, but brought back from archives. Thanks for posting. I needed that hearty laugh.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2011 at 10:31PM
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kayjones

Where are the archives?

    Bookmark   March 24, 2011 at 2:32AM
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breenthumb

Wish I knew. Someone at the KT knew how or where to access them. Maybe they'll show up?

There was one from someone who got stuck in her bathtub. Remembering that one saved me from doing the same thing when my back went out. I'll practice getting in and out with clothes on before I go for a soothing soak.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2011 at 7:59PM
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JoAnn_Fla

If your referring to the old stories, I have them also.

Here is the second one
http://ktgatheringplace.weebly.com/funny-kt-threads-2.html

All this is on the "Just for laughs" page.

Here is a link that might be useful: Funny Threads

    Bookmark   March 25, 2011 at 8:11PM
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breenthumb

joann fla, of course, what a treasure! Thanks.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2011 at 10:16PM
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lazypup

Where are the photos to show us how the color came out?????

    Bookmark   March 26, 2011 at 10:27AM
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mawheel

OMG! I laughed till I cried! I didn't realize that it was just a story, but it doesn't matter --it's too funny not to be enjoyed. My next stop is Joann's "funny threads".

    Bookmark   March 26, 2011 at 2:56PM
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