Older Moms/How many kids?

chymFebruary 6, 2002

Hi, I'm an older mom, 40 with a three year old and one year old. My husband would love to have another child and thinks it would be great, I'm not so sure. We are both self-employed so one of us is always with the kids. Not that I care what other people think but people were shocked when I had #2 so would having three at my age really be strange? To be honest I am in better shape than when I was 20 but I work twice as hard now and am pretty tired at the end of the day. the clock is ticking and I'd just like to hear from other mom's my age and their thoughts.

Thank you.

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Pam_from_the_PNW

I'm 37 and have a 10 year old DD and a 6 month old DS. My DH is self employed and works from home as well. I would love a third child, although DH is still on the fence about it. I never felt our family was complete until DS was born and although I could be content with just 2 children, a third would be awfully nice. Most of my friends were surprised when I was pregnant since there is such a big age gap between our kids, but many of them have been so delighted at having a baby around again that I get lots of support from them and tons of babysitting offers from them and their teenage daughters!

I do wonder how well I will hold out by the time DS is in college though! I'm doing great now, but who can say what I'll be like in another 18 years!

My bio clock is definitely ticking pretty loudly these days. We're going to go about solving this by letting "nature take its course" so to speak. It took us so long to get pregnant the second time that it seems unlikely we'll have a third but, well... who knows!?

Pam

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 2:13AM
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trekaren

Pam,

How do we get our DH off the fence? I want another one (DD is 4 now and I'm soon to be 38). His biggest problem is his age - he's 45. He does not want to be too old to enjoy the elemetary and teen years. I tell him age is just an attitude and that he better get off that fence SOON!

tick tick tick

:-)

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 8:04AM
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Mommabear

If one spouse truly does not want to have another child I think you may be putting your marriage in danger by trying to "convince" your spouse to go along with you. Both partners should really WANT the child, not just have it because their resistance has been worn down.

My husband's cousin is in the middle of a very nasty divorce. His wife told him that she began to hate him the minute he impregnated her with their second child. A child which he "convinced" her to have. Now-there are other factors in the failure of their marriage and I feel horrible for them. I think such outcomes are more likely when one spouse tries to convince the other to make some large life changing decision against their will.

Just be careful and make sure that this is a decision that you both want before you move forward.

Mommabear

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 10:19AM
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trekaren

Oh he's just a little nervous about age. Not to mention, back in October, both DD and I had the WORST stomach flu, back to back with both of us having sinus infections. He's still reeling from a solid month of being the care-taker of the household and two sickly family members.

He loves kids and got bit by the baby bug a small bit when our nephew came along last spring. He's not against it, just undecided and nervous. And I'm trying to tell him that we don't have a lot of time so fall on one side of the fence or the other! :-)

Is there anyone out there (male or female) who has been down the path of 40-ish births already? How was it when the teens hit, being a little older than typical parents of teens? Better or worse?

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 10:29AM
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discotrish

Hi Chym, I'm your age and have a 2-1/2 year old and an almost 6-month old. I'd LOVE to have another. Actually I'd like two more, but who knows when the biological clock will run out, lol. Cherie Blair (British PM Tony Blair's wife) had a baby last year at age 45. Remember by the time you have the baby the three year old will probably be four or close to it, and will be able to help a lot with keeping your other toddler occupied. Also your children are close enough in age that you can just chalk up these early years to being a delightful blur and you will eventually get some sleep when you're 45 or so! That's how I look at it, anyway. My sister is 14 years younger than I am and she is the delight of the family! And the sixth child. I can't imagine life without her. Just some philosophical thoughts -- in the end you have to make the decision that feels right for you. Good luck!

Trish

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 10:33AM
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Pam_from_the_PNW

TREKaren - maybe a cattle prod would work?

Mommabear: As far as convincing DH of a third child, well... he was on the fence before #2 arrived as well and gave all kinds of excuses... too old, wants to devote time to child #1, financial reasons, could never love another child as much as #1, didn't want to risk having a child who wasn't as terrific as #1... and on and on and on. I thought we'd NEVER have a second baby. He's totally delighted with our newest little guy and has admitted that he could not imagine life without him now. He's fully aware that I do want another baby (just ONE more!) and that I'm not using any form of birth control (except of course the birth control of having a new baby around that really seems to put a damper on romance!) so it's a pretty mutual but somewhat passive decision in our case.

In your husband's cousin's case it sounds like the other factors were probably the cause of their breakup. To use language like she "hated him" after he "impregnated her" signals that there was something seriously wrong with their relationship.

Pam

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 10:39AM
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Mommabear

Pam:

You are absolutelty right. That marriage was doomed from day 1. There were lots of reasons for it, but the second child brought those reasons out and finished them off.

I just thought I would mention it to make sure that nobody tried to push their spouse where they didn't want to go (not the same as on the fence) or allow their spouse to push them in the wrong direction either.

I would not have a baby when I was over 40, but that decision is really personal. I don't think my situation applies to anyone but me.

Mommabear

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 11:00AM
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nadastimer

Pam,
I just peeked in here to see what others are saying. I'm too young to have to think about what you are. I just want to tell you that if you're not using birth control and your husband is aware of that, he has to know what would happen after 2 kids. If he was so dead set against it, don't you think he'd be making sure you were on birth control or he was doing something to prevent it? I think maybe he's just scared as he was with the other kids and just about every parent is when they have kids. Give it time and maybe someone will take care of the decision for you. :-) Most people who have kids that they really weren't sure about having will later tell you they were so glad it happened. I'm sure you would figure it out.

As for marriages breaking up over another child coming into the picture that wasn't wanted at first, I would say there had to be more going on there in the first place. That would be like saying you hate the child and there aren't many people out there who regret it after the baby is here. I did not plan my son but I would not turn back time and get rid of him. I also believe there are more children brought into this world accidently than ones that were perfectly planned but they're all loved the same. People don't usually divorce over the kids.

Good luck to you! From experience, I've learned not to push a big idea too much or the guy will say no. Give him time and see.

~Lesile~

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 11:36AM
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trekaren

Leslie! Wait! Maybe you are on to something!

Maybe if I start saying I *don't* want more kids, he'll do the opposite. That's pretty much what he does anyway! the opposite of what I tell him!

LOL

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 12:09PM
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nadastimer

LoL, Karen! I'm learning this lesson because we had DS when we had only been dating for a while. Well, I got pregnant when we had only been dating a while. We never talked about the future, just took things a day at a time and we felt comfortable and just knew we wanted to stay together and left it at that. Two years ago he proposed to me and I think for nearly every day since then I've picked on him about us not being married or at least brought it up at least once a day. He knows I want to get married so badly and he wants to get married, too. I ask him if it would be a bad thing and he says that it would be a wonderful thing. Then he finally told me that the more I push it and the more others bug him about it, the more he puts on the brakes. He just wants it to stop being such a big thing and people to except and belive him when he says it will happen. I got a promise that it would be this year but that's as close as I've gotten so far. That means I have 10 months to find out :-)(but a promise from him is as good as done, unlike other people)

I think guys can't handle too much pressure. They need time to think things out on their own and see. I've also found that when I'm all gung ho and ready for the second baby, he's not. When I'm not, he is. So maybe my theory does work? Who knows? LOL

Good luck :-)

~Leslie~

    Bookmark   February 7, 2002 at 3:16PM
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