I need a mother's opinion.

buffy_durstDecember 16, 2001

I have posted here in the past on some issues and I feel that you guys can give me the best advice on this. I have been married for almost 3 and a half years. A few moths ago things changed. I can't explain it. I am no longer happy andmy husband and I are contemplating a seperation. My mother has always been a little overbearing. Don't get me wrong. I love her to death, but I am worried about how this will effect her. She is under a large amount of stress recently and I don't want to upset her anymore. I know this will. She divorced when I was 11 so I think she kind of knows what I am going through. Please help me. Have any of you gone through the divorce of a child?

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whazzup

It is very stressful for everyone. Sorry, but there's no way to avoid that. Just keep in mind that after the wounds heal, there is life after divorce. Your mother will adjust once the shock wears off. Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2001 at 10:08PM
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sorry_noemailgiven_com

Mothers want what is best for their children. Yes, it will be a shock, and something that will take some time adjusting to. But just let her know that this is for your happiness... that it is for the best. I know my mom would adjust to the news quicker (if it were me in your situation) if she knew that I would be *Happy*. Let her know that your current situation is not bringing you happiness. Most moms are more worried about their children (and granchildren) in a divorce than themselves. Let her know you will be okay.
Sorry I can't help more. I wish you the best of luck.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 1:21AM
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buffy_durst

Thank you so much for your help. I can't help but think about her and how she has her own problems and this will just bring more. I have been up for a week thinking about this. I broke down on my husband last night and told him about how I have been feeling lately. He was so supportive and calm. I feel so bad about everything. I keep asking myself if I am just being selfish. I mean why should I hurt so many people just for myself? I am rambling now so I will go. Thanks again.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 2:19AM
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marsteller_yahoo_com

Are you contemplating divorce just because you're no longer happy with this man? You don't give much info here. I hate to be a hardnose but marriage isn't always wonderful and you won't always be happy with it. It is something that you have to work at to make it work. You took vows for better or worse not until I am tired of you or not happy with you anymore. Have you taken a long hard look at the situation to see what may be a root for your feelings of unhappiness? It may not really be your husband at all. If it is then you need to really talk to him and see if there is something you could try before you seperate. I just went through a similar experience with my DH and I almost left but I didn't we talked all night about different issues and both agreed to do whatever it took to rebuild our marriage. It hasn't been easy and I haven't always been *happy* but our marriage is becoming stronger and I feel our relationship has gone to a higher level. I hope I'm not coming on too hard on you but I would hate to see an unnecessary divorce. Good luck.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 7:55AM
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ferrifamily_yahoo_com

My thoughts exactly Donna. If I'd divorced my husband because for a few months I wasn't happy, my marriage wouldn't have lasted 3 years. I hung on, though and we worked at finding what it was we loved about each other and fairly quickly found each other again. We've been married for 10 years now and I am so glad I didn't give it up during that relatively brief unhappy spell. All marriages have their ups and downs but it is a commitment and it requires dedication and effort on both parts. A few months of feeling unhappy is not enough to end a marriage over IMO. It's a reason to work extra hard and have lots of open discussions with your partner in an attempt to find love and friendship again.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 8:44AM
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aileen

You have not been married long enough for all the kinks to have been worked out of your relationship. You may be just getting over the Honeymoon Glow. Even if you got a divorce, you have no guarantee that you would then be happy.

I am another one that can remember bad times. It's too easy to forget the good ones. I know now, that after years of finding out what is really important, that he is the only one that could make me content. but I had to try to make him happy too. It takes work on both sides to make marriage work. Sometimes it's 70% on the wife's shoulders and other times the burden falls on the husband's.

Give yourself some more time and talk over things with your husband. The important thing is what goes on between you two. You may be surprised at what you can accomplish.

Then, later, if you do decided that parting is the best thing to do, and sometimes it is, don't worry about your mother. You couldn't prevent her divorce, you might can prevent your own. You are the one that has to live in an unhappy marriage. Not her. It's your decision. don't let your worry about her, influence it.

Be sure you can define "happy"

As a mother, I can truthfully say that it would not have bothered me in the least if one of mine had gotten a divorce. I fact, I really, really wish that one of them would.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 9:23AM
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blhvn_nomlpls_com

I agree that before you take this drastic step, you need to really dig and find the problem. It doesn't actually sound like it's a problem with your marriage, if you just told your husband recently. Have you discussed this with your dr? You could be suffering from depression, or perhaps a hormonal imbalance, thyroid problem--any one of a number of physical or emotional upsets that are coloring your view. Even if your health checks out, you might give a marriage counselor a try. You sound as if you really had a great marriage at one time and I think you owe it to yourself to see what the problem is before you toss everything away.

With 28 years of marriage experience, I can vouch for the fact that every minute isn't filled with sunsets and merry-go-round rides--but there are more than enough of those minutes to make hanging in there and working on your marriage worthwhile. Remember--love isn't just for the good times--true love shows itself when the bad times arrive--be they financial, emotional, or the challenge of raising a teenager. Good luck.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 9:57AM
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talley-sue-nyc_att_net

Yay, Skye!

Thanks for pointing out the need to check into our PHYSICAL states first, because they so often influence our emotional states.

Also, a physician can help you find a counselor as well.

If you're most worried about your mom (wrong focus: worry about you and about your husband, and about your marriage), you'll allay her fears and worries best by thoroughly sorting out your unhappiness, and by clearly identifying a way to restore your equilibrium. If you've done your emotional homework, whatever you decide (I'm rooting for the marriage--I liked the sound of his "calm, supportive" reaction to your distress) will be something your mom can calmly accept.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 12:50PM
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amygdala

Talk to your doctor, and get a recommendation for a counselor. They can help you to sort out your issues, in a way that is confidential, and which will help you get your own best solutions.

Your mother has her own biases, thoughts and feelings about everything probably. She is also your mother, and will probably feel like she wants to be or should be supportive of you. You can ask her what she thinks of your husband. Does she think he could be or is a good spouse in general, or what areas would she think are his weaknesses?

Talk to someone who can help you sort out the influences you have. For example, people can be depressed, or have dysthymia and react to that instead of making decisions in their own best interests. Also, sometimes when attaining a goal, or seemingly having worked to get someplace a person can feel a sense of 'let down' which can have a similar effect. These kinds of feeling states a person can have, or be in, can feel like they are reality (when instead, they are particular feeling states and reality may be different). Another thing might involve feeling 'in love' and/or being very emotionally reactive to different things. Being or feeling very emotionally reactive can give a person a great euphoric 'high' when 'in love' (or when feeling like they are winning). That usually goes with an exagerrated low when that phase changes (as it normally does in marriage when building a more permanent relationship). These kinds of things can reinforce each other, and are basically biologically-oriented maybe issues of temperament. Even so, a good counselor can help you learn better self-insight and help you learn how to help yourself in making these kinds of tough decisions.

Your mother will probably always be there for you, even if she has to work and grow as a person to do that. (Mothers have overcome deeply ingrained personal opinions, to be able to keep up a tolerable relationship with their adult children). If you need help sorting yourself out, and making a good life decision with this issue, talk to your doctor and get a recommendation for a counselor. They can help you help yourself.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 12:56PM
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nene227_aol_com

Been married 26+ years, and I often tease my husband and tell him that I have NEVER thought of divorcing him......MURDER, yes - but never divorce!

If I had used divorce to try to "fix" all the times I was not happy with my husband/marriage, I would have divorced at 7 years of marriage, again at 18 years, and the most recent would have been December 31, 1999!!! But I can assure you that all of those times had NOTHING to do with him, but a whole lot to do about ME! I was not happy, and divorcing DH would not have made me happy - I had to first find happiness for myself, and that is not always outside of your marriage.

I suggest you get the book "Surrendering To Marriage". I really enjoyed it, and it spoke volumes to me. Just my .02 cents.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 1:47PM
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buffy_durst

Well, I understand where you are coming from. A large reason for my unhappiness is that my husband cheated on me with a woman at work twice his age! We have talked about it and he says it meant nothing, but I cannot seem to get past it. That is a reason we are contemplating seperation. The word divorce has never even been spoken. We just kind of feel if we took some time apart to reevaluate our relationship and why this happened we could be stronger.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2001 at 10:32PM
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Carlotta_Bull

Your worry about your mom is of concern to me.

I think you need to get into counseling to get past your sense of betrayal & anger towards this man. He needs to get into counseling to find out why he's straying from his marriage........ Does he feel like there are three in the marriage - your mother, you & him?

I wouldn't separarate, though. Do your counseling within the confines of your marriage & THEN make a decision about where you should go.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2001 at 1:32AM
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talley-sue-nyc_att_net

Working past cheating is possible--there are many, many couples who've done it. But it isn't easy--at all!

I'd hate to try it alone, without a counselor. I'd need a marriage counselor for the marriage, and someone who'd work with me as well, especially if my unhappiness was around before the cheating episode.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   December 18, 2001 at 10:20AM
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StephanieD

I've read some people's marriages become stronger after an affair because they go to counseling and learn to communicate better and realize how much they love each other. However, some people's marriages are never right afterwards because of mistrust and betrayal--Time is the only way you will know about your own marriage.

I think you should not only see a marriage counselor but see someone who is there just for you. You need to come to terms with your own feelings now before you can make a life altering decision.

I think your mother is probably just trying to protect you - she may be afraid of you being all alone. You must stand up to her and your husband and do what's best for YOU! No matter what the future brings, I believe your mother will come around and support you in whatever decision you make.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2001 at 12:58PM
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