Need Advice on 7 yr olds Bossy Playmate

missredDecember 3, 2008

My daughter(A) has a friend(B) at school. They've been friends since K and are now in 2nd grade in different classes, which is a relief. Except, that B still manages to push 'A''s buttons whenever she can. 'A' is very well rounded, friendly, well liked, 'B' comes from a shaky home (single mom with financial & relationship issues who shares her adult problems with her daughter- not good). Other than that, 'B' is actually a likable child, smart but, a little too 'mature' for her age. And bossy.

Our problem, as of late is an issue with 'B' taking 'A's lunch and using friendship as a leverage. (If you don't give me... then I won't be your friend). But, not just with lunch-- it extends into sharing of everything, borrowing randomly, hiding things when she doesn't get her way or just stealing. It's ridiculous.

They recently had a mounting verbal dispute at school where my daughter finally said all those things: "you take my lunch, you borrow my stuff, you steal, you're mean, then you're my friend...!!" So, she's fed up. The school staff had to get involved and she came home crying. Which breaks my heart. We had a conversation about standing up for herself and making the choice wether or not to stay friends.

We spoke with mom in the past about other issues (inappropriate touching 'games' with adult language, etc.) and she seems clueless like it's just some big hippy lovefest and all kids do this. I'm not buying it. We're liberal folks but, this is too much.

We need some ideas on how to approach this tactfully.

They go to a small school with a tight student body and staff so, being discreet and respectful is the most important.

Since staff has already gotten involved would it be safe to have a meeting with a neutral party? Or should we just take it up again with mom? Alone?

Anyone else go through this?

We don't want to corner mom but, she needs to know what's going on and maybe her kid needs some therapy for all the adult issues she's dealing with. But, how do you tell someone this??

Any helpful tips to an open path would be much appreciated.

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Good Morning Missred....

I think that I would call the school board office ( if this is a public school ) and ask them what the policy is about bullying. If it is a private school I would ask for a meeting with members of the board. These days they should be much more sensitive about this type of treatment from one student to the other. My children attend a private school and I would not hesitate to take whatever measures necessary to have this situation youngest is 10 and I asked her what is done for her class. She told me that if kids take advantage of another child (that is what they are teaching that bullying is) they are pulled out of class and spend the day with the elementary counselor. It only takes one act to cause this. They have to do that for much less severe treatment than your daughter has been receiving.

Are you saying that the bully has engaged your daughter in inappropriate touching? If that is the case I would raise I had a situation when my older daughter was in elementary school and the child involved was moved to another class...that day. I don't know how they handled it after that but I was assured by the principal that it would be handled. That is not to be tolerated. Not even once. It is lawsuit waiting to happen or guaranteed spot on the evening news. I think that is why the Principal moved so quickly in our case.

I don't think that the size of school should dictate the action taken here. I have taken teachers to task as have many other parents have in our private school and the next year their contracts have not been renewed. If a teacher was not doing everything possible to stop this I would be there everyday after school and would probably pull my child out of their class. As far a students behavior is concerned your school has a responsibility to provide a safe environment for each student. They are clearly not doing that. Take them to task. Do it today. You should not have to talk to the mom unless you are allowing your daughter to play with the bully outside of school. I cannot imagine that you are doing that. Do not allow the school to approach the situation as something that the girls need to work out as though your daughter is at fault in some way.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 8:58AM
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Did the girls ever play together outside school? Or was this always a school friendship only?

If things are happening at school, like lunch stealing, etc. then the school staff needs to be dealing with this!

As far as talking to the mom about the girl's issues I do not think that she will react well. I would leave it to her and the school social worker to determine her daughters mental health.

My sd had a friend like this who was very bossy. This was a girl who lived nearby us but went to a different school. It took my sd a long time but she finally told the girl she did not like playing with her because she was too bossy. My sd finally stopped answering the girls phone calls!

You need to help your daughter stand up for herself, like she did. She needs to tell the girl that she is not allowing her to steal from her and boss her around. Then she needs to steer clear of the girl.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 9:39AM
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