Abused Mother of 20 yrs.

whattodo70December 20, 2011

Hello,

I need some advice, I am being verbally abused by my 20yr old daughter. Here's what happened: Her and her boyfriend made dinner for everyone and then the next day I come home from work and the dirty dishes are still sitting on the counter. Even though she has been home all day, I start cleaning it up (because I start talking under my breath and loudly placing things in the dishwasher) she comes in and screams, WHAT IS YOUR F**KING PROBLEM? I said, "Nothing" she said, "THEN YOU BETTER STOP THROWING THINGS AROUND!" I said that I was not throwing things around and that she had been here all day and there was no reason for this kitchen to look the way it does...She then gets in my face and screams, "IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CLEAN UP YOUR F**KING HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO GET UP OFF OF YOUR LAZY AZZ AND CLEAN IT! NOW YOU BETTER STOP THROWING THINGS AROUND! and, walks out of the kitchen. She has been this way since she was about 13 yrs old and was even on mood stabilizing medicine at one point. She now has a son and it just breaks my heart to know that he is watching his mother treat people like this. What should I do?

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mkroopy

Uhmm...assuming this is a serious post and not a joke, the answer is fairly obvious my dear....if your daughter is living with you (you don't say that but I am assuming it from the post), then YOU are the problem....it's bad enough letting an adult child live at home, but one that treats you with even a hint of disrespect should be tossed to the street immediately. Kid or no kid...this little b*tch will never grow up until she is forced to. And I am not speaking out of line here....I have a little 14 year old b*tch-in-training at home that I am trying my hardest with, man I know it is not always easy. But....since her "issues" started when she was about 12 1/2, I have been telling her the same line...and I mean every word of it: You don't take High-school seriously, I am not spending a cent of the money I've saved for your college for you to go to some lame school to party for 4 years, and the day you turn 18 you are out of the house, no questions asked. And if you have a baby, don't expect me to help raise it, let you stay in my house, or support you in any way.

Hopefully hearing these things for years will keep her on a good path....time will tell. If this kid lives with you...she needs to be booted out TOMORROW...or she will never change.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 10:27PM
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whattodo70

mkroopy: Yes, this is a serious post....and, yes I have been dealing with this for quite sometime....Just never had the courage to ask advice from other sources before, because frankly, I am so embarrassed that this is happening to me that I have tried saying, "no not me" but, everytime I feel "oh she is changing" the next week or month we are right back in this boat. Just mentally tired and stressed...

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 10:51PM
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azzalea

Okay, first, get past the 'being embarrassed' and letting that keep you from doing what has to be done.

Next, start documenting EVERYTHING this girl does--if you have any text or e-mail communications along the line of the verbal exchange you described, PRINT THEM OUT and store them in a VERY secure place that your daughter cannot access.

Then, you need to get yourself to a lawyer and start the procedure for having this girl declared unfit to be a parent--she obviously is, but you need to legally get custody of her child and to remove her from your life and his.

Just because we're related to someone toxic by an accident of birth DOES NOT mean we have to allow them to hurt and abuse us time after time. She's an adult--if she isn't respectful in your home, she needs to find her own place. If she isn't a good parent, she needs to have her child taken away so he has a better chance at life.

I know that probably sounds harsh and extreme, but we've had to deal with toxic family members. They DO NOT CHANGE. Well, except to get worse over time. If you care about yourself and your grandchild, it's time to step up and take the responsibility for improving the situation. The funny thing about it is, if you make your daughter responsible for herself, you actually will be doing her a favor, too.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2011 at 8:21AM
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popi_gw

Your daughter is treating you in a very disrespectful manner, but this has been happening for years.

I agree with Azalea.

I think your way of handling the messy dishes needs some work. Ask her to help you clean up, next time, instead of just grumbling under your breath. Of course she should have done it, but you need to try and reduce the explosive way your house is working. Try to take control, you really need some professional advice about how you can do this.

I feel for you situation, because I know a lady who is in the same situation. Her daughter is 30 and is bossing her mother around. The mother does not know how to manage the situation. It is very difficult, for me, her friend, to help out of this awful situation.

Perhaps you have a friend that you can turn to and ask for help or advice ?

Good luck with it all.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2011 at 12:49AM
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dreamgarden

"She then gets in my face and screams, "IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CLEAN UP YOUR F**KING HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO GET UP OFF OF YOUR LAZY AZZ AND CLEAN IT! NOW YOU BETTER STOP THROWING THINGS AROUND!"

I'd get this witch out of my house YESTERDAY!

She is living in your home. She is making a mess and expecting you to lick her shoes when SHE does something wrong.

If you don't get a handle on this now, you will live to see what elder abuse is about.

PLEASE take the good advice the other posters have said and do something now, while you still have the time and strength.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2012 at 1:34PM
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RD991

My mom and younger half sister have this relationship also. My mom complains to me often about it. She has even asked me to go with her to visit my half sister because she knows she will not act out in my presence.

My advice to my mom, as well as to the OP... She abuses you because you have allowed her to abuse you. My half sister is a spoiled brat. She still depends on mom for everything and in the process treats her like crap. And yet mom keeps going back for more. Why? Why live like that?

One thing I have learned. If I have a problem, I need to look at what part of the problem is mine.

Ironically.. my mom can be abusive with me and my children and I am starting stand up for myself. It's dysfunctional at best.

I choose not to live this way and that is why I am not backing down anymore.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2012 at 7:07PM
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HLAnder

You know, its not that easy getting someone to leave your home, apparently adult kids have more rights then the parents, and nowdays we have to go thru the " eviction process" which can be costly and lengthly.....its frustrating!!!!

    Bookmark   July 18, 2012 at 2:24AM
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azzalea

HLander--exactly--which is why this woman needs to document everything, and get a good lawyer who can help her with all the issues.

One other thing, that probably needs to be considered. I know OP stated that the girl's been this way since puberty. But that doesn't preclude the possibility of drugs (either abused prescription, or illegal) playing a part in this case. Might be something to look into, and see if it wouldn't be possible to get her into either rehab, if needed, or a residential program that will help with her emotional/mental issues. That's tough, though, patients can often sign themselves out, before they've received enough treatment to be of any help.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2012 at 10:47AM
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