Step daughter problem close to xmas ...please help

fabzinjDecember 22, 2009

I think I have a very sad story to describe here but I need some adviceand I donÂt know that is me if IÂm doing the correct thing or if IÂm way wrongÂbut I just want the best for my kidsÂI will describe what is going on for the last 10 years and you guys let me know what is wrongÂ:

My wife and I are together for over 13 years and she has 2 daughters one of 29 and the other one 19 we got married 10 years ago and we have 2 kids my son of 9 and my daughter of 7Âsince the beginning everything from the side of the daughters was only hate they always blame me for take her mom away from themÂand make my live so miserable any way many years pass and now the second daughter finish high school and went to college and my wife wants to keep her room as is and no one allow to get in even thought my 2 kids share the same roomÂI talk to my wife that since her daughter doesnÂt live in the house we should give her room to my little one and she refuses and the reason why is because every weekend for the last 6 months her daughter only come home for the weekend and as soon as she come home she is going out and she sleeps out of the house in a relatives houses Â? Why I told my wife that her room is not a closet that she must stay at the house an used or elseÂI will take that room for my daughter but she always refuseÂneither the less she was always mean with my kids and not even say hi to them or anythingÂand to me she always insult me and say gross words even in front of my kids when she was under edge she call me the police because she blame on me that I took a calculator from her room and even my wife get in her sideÂnothing else to said but just the next morning after that day she found the calculator under her bed and come to me to say sorry after all the big showÂright away I call the police and I make the police take her words to put it in the police reportÂ? Do you believe that?

Years ago I use to have business with South America and all the things that I bought come to the house and she was stealing from me one day I say something to her and she got crazy and start getting everything and throwing everything all over the house when I saw all this I just walk away and I called my wife and told her what it was going onÂwhen she arrive home the house was spotless like nothing happened that makes me look like a big liar Â?

Another opportunity she was insulting me in front of my kids and I couldnÂt take it no more and I took it from her arm and I send it outside until her momÂs come from workÂguess whatÂshe went to the hospital to the emergency room and said that I broke her armÂa big and very well plan to get me in jailÂbut thanks god the doctors knew that she was lyingÂbecause she didnÂt have anythingÂand even she bring me police to the door of my house and they were ready to take me inÂand even with my kidsÂfeel so embrace because I work so hard to have my house in a nice neighborhood and all my fellow ask me what is going on or just look at me as the bad guy of the movie.

This morning and just to finish she pass in front of all of us not even good morning to no one and went to the basement and her way back I said how hard is to said good morningÂand she right away star raising her voiceÂand I said no moreÂthatÂs it because I told her when she turn 18 that no more shows or raising voice in the house I told her show is over now no more police or shows because you were under edge Âwell she star with the famous word I Hate you and all this in front of my kids when we having breakfast how nice ehhhÂof course my wife always defend her against everything saying that I provoke thatÂand that was enough I said this morning she is got to goÂpack her things otherwise IÂll do itÂI wonÂt take it no more I wonÂt take her insults or offensives words the worse of the worse that in front of my kids.

She get into her room and start screaming that IÂm leaving and my wife begging her to stay a whole new showÂI took my camera just in case and I record the whole thing.

Personally it was very strong experience for my kids and personally to myself I wasnÂt raise in that kind of environment and I canÂt take such an aggression.

After that I took my kids to school and of course they were crying also I told them to calm down before we get to schoolÂthat nothing will happen.

I know this is just few days before Christmas and I know that my wife for now on will make my live very miserable but guess what I have my kids and the rest believe me I donÂt personally careÂmany times I told my wife to get divorce because her daughter but things happen and we still together.

Now you guys decide and help me how to approach all this conflict that to me looks very complicated.

Email me

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First, I'm not going to email you. If you want to see responses you will have to look here.

I don't think this is complicated at all. I would suggest that your family life is a disaster and that you should part ways. You say you've told your wife to get a divorce; why don't you file, instead? And it's not just her daughter that's causing all of this grief. Your wife is a part of it and I suspect that they would blame it all on you.

My opinion is that you all need to get away from each other.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 3:27PM
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pretty much that is true...and the worst of the worst my kids are seeing all these events

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 3:29PM
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Look I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or embarrass you, but one thing that screamed to me throughout your entire post was the fact that you continually refer to the your youngest children as 'my kids'--as though their mother was nothing to do with them. That says to me, that the disfunctions in your marriage go way, way back and you participate. Most parents refer to their children as 'ours'. The fact that you don't include their mother as a parent to them in everyday speach says a lot, I fear.

From your description, you're not a functioning family--just a bunch of angry people who all live in the same house, who have little in common and who don't get along on the most basic levels. I don't think anyone here can solve your problems for you in a few paragraphs.

Not telling you what to do--certainly--but were I living in the situation you describe, I'd be making serious plans to end the marriage and start over on my own. Now, that may or may not be an option for you. Your post sounds very much as if you are from another culture. Maybe divorce and starting over isn't an option for you. Would you be able to get the family into some serious, heavy-duty counselling? Seems to me that only a really good professional would be able to even make a stab at helping you all find a ground where you can co-exist in more peace than you're currently experiencing.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 3:44PM
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10 years is such a long time to live in this stressful situation.

You are right to be concerned about the younger children, who see all this yelling and conflict. You should really think about putting them in a more harmonious situation. What does their mother think about that ? Surely she would want the best for them, and realize that their current situation is not ideal ?

I agree with azzalea, when she says it is curious that your refer to the children as "your children", but this could be the way that you express yourself.

Perhaps you could start with how YOU address the 19 year old...perhaps you could make a plan to avoid any conflict with her. You behave with dignity.

It is difficult to address all the issues here, but the starting point is the younger children's welfare and your own methods of dealing with conflict. Those are the two issue I think you should address first.

Good luck with it all, I hope that you find some helpful information here.

People will not send you emails, and it is not wise to post your email address here.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 7:09PM
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Oh, I missed that point! I did notice that you referred to the younger children as "MY" kids. But I missed that you have been married for 10 years and that they are the children of this marriage. I'm sorry; I thought they might be your children from another marriage.

I totally agree with what azzalea and popi said about that. So again, why did you tell your wife to get a divorce; can't you do it? And yes, I realize that yours is a different culture from mine.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 8:04PM
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I see things differently than others here

First I don't this you are a native English speaker. You may not have put things the way a person who has English as a first language, so I won't take any of the words to heart just the gist of what you are saying.

I can't see any mother keeping a room for her older daughter to visit occasionally while her younger daughter does not have a bedroom.

This 19 year old is a spoiled brat and her mother made her that way.It seems to me you are part of the problem. Did you try to make friends with this girl when you and her mother got together. Have you ever once stood up to your wife when she's being unreasonable. It seems to me when things get tough you walk away. That is no way to iron out differences. So your wife yells then yell right back at her. Don't use the excuse of the younger children. Living the way they are now is worse than a little yelling.

If you want peace you have to stand up to both your wife and this girl. I recognise that you are worried about losing your kids if you do initiate a divorce. A divorce may be in the offing if you do what I'm advising but it won't be initiated by you. I strongly suggest you document everything that goes on once you start standing up to them. Pictures and video don't lie.

First clear out all this girls things, don't throw them out or anything. Box them up for storage, or give them to her. Then move your younger daughter in and don't stand any nonsense about it. If your wife leaves then don't allow her back in. If you want to work things out then have her agree to have some counsilling and if you do this then you must go too. Things are never one sided and you share the blame for letting things get to this point.

    Bookmark   December 24, 2009 at 6:45PM
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I have met men (I didn't date them but have met in social circumstances) from a different culture and they refered to their kids as only theirs and in case of divorce they would take kids away from the mothers because kids are THEIRS (the fathers'). It is a scary notion but it seems to be very typical in some cultures, mother gives birth and does phsycial care of the children but they are not fully hers.

I had a friend who married a man from different culture and even though originally he didn't want to go back to his country they ended up going. Their marriage turned out to be awful, he was emotionally abusive, but she was never able to file for divorce because that would mean to lose her children. In that culture men get the kids and women get maybe little visitations or nothing. And if a woman refuses this arrangment they make her life he&& and poison the kids against her. Thsi lady used to come back home visiting her parents and cry how stuck she is. Then she just disappeared. I don't know what happened to her.

I think it could be that OP asking hsi wife to file for divorce because then he can claim that she is the one abandoning children and he will get custody. If he files it is a different story.
I am anot biggoted and was not born in the US myself but it is what it is, different cultres have different attitudes. Not good or bad just different.

Not to say OP is this way but it is very suspicious that he refers to their children as his.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2009 at 11:08AM
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Decide what makes you happy and comfortable and then act in your own best interests.

You're probably too big to fit on a dashboard any way.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 8:30AM
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