Lost my son to a hateful person

lharklessDecember 30, 2012

I never thought that my son would turn his back on anyone in the family, but it has happened. He not only turned his back on me, but for the most part, all of the family. He got with this woman over 5 years ago. He met her at work. My son has always been one to fix people or try to save the hopeless. He had a daughter with a girl that he had a one night stand with and has been a good father to her. He meets this vulture at work and they started dating. I didn't know at the time, but she was married and her husband was in jail and going on trial for murdering the man she was having an affair with. Of course she was the "victim" of all of this and would play the victim role in everything that she has gotten herself in, including claiming that I am trying to destroy her family. This is my middle son involved with her. He and his older brother were inseparable, working together, living together and hanging out together. That was until she came along. She had three children with her now ex husband before she divorced him while he is in prison. The parents of the young man who was murdered tried to get their son to leave her because she was no good, he was murdered before he could get away. She has gotten my son to get custody of his daughter so that he would have no contact with her mother, she tracked her ovulation so that she could get pregnant and was claiming she was trying to keep from getting pregnant. She didn't want my son talking to any of his female coworkers and when my grandson was born, she had my son quit to stay home with all of the kids. My son left her for a few months and could only bring his my granddaughter with him when he moved in with me. He told me that he couldn't afford to fight her legally to get my grandson away from her since he wasn't working. She would not let him see my grandson except at their apartment while she was there. My son also had told me that he didn't like the way that she treated my granddaughter and that she was mean to her. My oldest recently saw her take the shampoo out of the shower and tell my granddaughter to take a shower. When she asked my granddaughter if she washed her hair, she said yes, the gf then went to my son and said she wanted her punished because she bold faced lied to her face. My granddaughter just turned 7. My grandson is 4. I never got to hold him as a baby, was not allowed to know how to spell his name until recently and didn't even know that my son was not able to give his son his name. I am not allowed to have my grandson visit without the gf, and he told me not long ago that I was not his grandma. My son rarely talks to me now at all and we were very close his whole life. The conversations that we have are very brief text. I am assuming because this way she can see what I say. She has him believing that she is a victim being pushed to the side by our family. Not one member at all can stand her because of what has happened with my son, granddaughter and grandson. My grandson has never even met my father. My son doesn't sound like himself when he talks and looks very sad. I had surgery the beginning of the month, when I got to my room, I found out that my granddaughter had been placed in foster care. She had been taken to a behavioral health hospital and they told them that they were not going to be picking her up. I don't know why she was not placed first with family except they say that my son has a say in where she is placed. I am working on having her placed with me. My son does not see that he has been brainwashed. He doesn't see that the family he is allowed to have is only hers and he has had to give up his friends, except people that she says he can be friends with. At one point, he thought she was cheating on him. She would sleep with her cell phone locked, she would lay on it and sleep at the other end of the bed. I feel like I am missing part of my heart. I don't know what I can do. I need him to see that she is brainwashing him and ruining him, our family and his daughter. He claimed that putting her in foster care was in her best interest, and that they had to put her there to keep the other kids safe. Her kids from the previous relationship are 9, 11 and 13. I live in Indiana and don't know my rights as a grandparent, but I will do whatever I can to save my granddaughter and my son. If there is anyone who can help me or that has advice, I would appreciate it.

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mountain_lady

Dear Iharkless,

My heart go's out to you. 1st thing that i would do is get your granddaughter back into your home. I am sure there are some hoops that you will have to jump in and out of with the state. But If you can do it please do. as for your son. He is going to have to want to leave her. and he is going to have to see that he isnt happy with what is going on.
for your grandson most states have what is called grandparnet Rights. It might be something to check on. If your state does have it you can sue them for vistis with him. just like if you where the mom and husband had custory of the babies. You set up visti's that the child is in your home away from them. giving you time to know the child and be there for the child.

and for your son. He is an adult and needs to find that he dont want this anymore. and he needs to walk away. when she is at work and her other kids are at school all he has to to is walk out with his son in tow and go right to the courts and file. till court there is nothing that she can do about it . She sounds to me like a crack pot and only thinging of herself anyways. But again hun your son has to want to leave. Be strong and keep your head up and do the 1st thing and that is get your granddaughter.

I understand your pain. living it myself other then its my daughter and 2 granddaughters.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2013 at 7:53AM
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worriedone

It is painful - but sometimes you must put some distance between you and the drama. He will live his life regardless of whether you are hurt by it or not. They are HIS choices. He has made them. Love him as much as you can and just accept.

I know somewhat of the big hole you will now try to fill. I don't have the murder threat surrounding MY drama, but I have lost a son to someone and it hurts.

What I DON'T HAVE in my life is arguments. Nasty looks by her and him. The sideways glances. The faces made behind my back. The lies she makes. The temper tantrums. The not showing up at planned events and they say "Oh, was that tonight?" Bull crap. No more.

In its place I have peace. I am with those who DO love and support me and make me smile. For that is what I want MY life to have in it and I love them back.

For what its worth -- you are not alone. But don't waste your life, your emotions, your energy - THE INFLAMMATION~ - on someone that finds it intrusive. For, you will lose.

Take care!!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2013 at 8:51AM
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