Estranged Adult children

motherlodeDecember 28, 2008

I am raw with pain right now. My adult son who lives thousands of miles away from me arrived in my home town last week with his wife and children- he will be here for only a week and i have not heard from him once-i left 2 messages where they are staying but no response. at this point it looks like he does not want me n his life for some reason-i know i have made a thousand mistakes or more as a single parent but i always meant the best for the family. i went to college and worked full time so not much quality time with the kids. then they are grown and gone just when i do have the time for them. gee i sound selfish-maybe that is what he sees now. i just miss him and my heart is breaking-i miss my grandkids-have not seen them for over a year. it feels like someone has died-it hurts so darn much-how do i say goodbye?

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Are there other people you can do things with rather than wait for him to return your calls? Being with supportive people no matter what your son does would be good for you. Can you be sure he received your messages? Was your last interaction so poor that you think they wouldn't speak to you if you just went over?

Your past mistakes may be the furthest thing from their minds. Maybe they are just self absorbed and busy.

It is unlikely that they are putting the energy into thinking badly of you that you fear they are. (And that you are putting in on yourself.)

Fear is an ugly thing that steals time. If you can, just say a prayer for strength and peace of mind and just go see them. Tell them you know they are only here for a short while and you didn't want to miss the opportunity to see them. Unless they have said 'do not contact us' or 'we will not be seeing you this visit' (to your face or directly by phone or letter-not through someone else)assume the best and not the worst.

Don't sit letting fear steal whatever love there is between you all.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2008 at 1:51PM
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We've all made a thousand mistakes, don't let that be an excuse. Has something happened? How did you know they were going to be visiting your area?

You need an answer. I agree, why not stop by and visit before they go back. Don't be a doormat. Fight for your family.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2008 at 7:00PM
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all good ideas and advice-thanks so much everyone

    Bookmark   December 28, 2008 at 9:56PM
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My adult daughter stopped talking with me and she will not tell me what is wrong or what I did wrong. We did agree that we need counseling and that we would both seek a counselor. We have not had a conversation in a couple of months. I have tried calling, on chat and text. She did text me that she found a counselor three weeks ago. I followed up to ask if she made an appointment but she said that she was too busy to set an appointment. So I suggested I would set it up. Yet, she would not agree to this. So, I have decided to seek counseling for myself in order to cope. The Holidays have been very stressful. I miss her and my grandson.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2008 at 6:10PM
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Wow, Motherlode ~ I'm so sorry you're going through this, but don't give in to despair!
No mother is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and your son having his own children now, should enable him to understand how terribly difficult it is to be a parent.
Pray, ponder, and think as to what could be causing this. Get in touch with your son, call, leave messages. If they are not returned, write.
Tell your son you love him and want to see him.
Don't give up, Motherlode.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2008 at 9:45PM
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Thank you everyone for your support-i did hear from him today by e-mail. he says he wants to be left alone and he does not feel close to me. i feel like dying right now-like a knife through my heart. He said it was not anything i had done or said lately but an accumalation of the past years. as i said i have made many mistakes-married 4 times-and many other poor decisions. never alcohol or drugs were involved in my life at any time. whatever i did was with a clear mind so no excuses. i was adopted by alcoholic parents-abused into my teen years-married at 17 and he was the first of 6 children. i had no clue how to be a good parent but tried what i thought was my best-obviously it was not. now i am feeling sorry for myself but after his e-mail today this is how i am feeling-hopefully tomorrow will be better. take care all

    Bookmark   December 31, 2008 at 1:01AM
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lbarton_art I am so sorry you are going thru this, I hope the counseling helps and maybe she will go also. Is is possible for you both to see the same one?

    Bookmark   December 31, 2008 at 9:38AM
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hi everyone-just a short note to thank all of you for being here for me. it is such a lonely feeling trying to deal with this loss-and it is a loss. the shame sometimes washes over me like a tidal wave. i have to take a deep breath-the shame almost smothers me. for now i will allow myself to feel whatever i have to-this is a grieving-i know i have to get my self together soon as possible. one day i hope to report to you taht i am ok-tonight i am not ok. god bless you all

    Bookmark   January 5, 2009 at 3:52AM
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I know just how you feel motherlode. God bless you also and bring you peace.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2009 at 10:38AM
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I am feeling your pain. I have been told I cannot be in my son's home when he is there--that was worse than having my throat slit. He knew that of course. I see my grandchildren via the dil. I am not allowed to discuss the situation with her.
I am grieving and still cannot figure it out, but I am not going to figure anything out. Whatever is going on in his mind, he hasn't chosen to communicate that to me. If he won't communicate, I can't address anything. I will not beg and plead with someone that clearly wants nothing to do with me.
He has produced bad karma for himself. I have to live with myself and I will continue to be a good person. I contact my grandchildren and spend time with them. I am obviously not such a bad person that I can't interact with them. Therefore, it is his problem and he has to get it figured out or not.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 1:26PM
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My grandchildren from my son spent this weekend with me. They told me that my grandchildren from my daughter that I am estranged from said that they did not think they loved me anymore that, I was mean. That really hurt to know that my daughter is telling them those things. If I won't pay her bills anymore I guess it is all out war and anything is fair as far as she is concerned. I guess it is better for the kids to think bad of me then for them to be missing me like I am missing them but it still hurts.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 3:32PM
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Dear missed and donesonmom-hang in there and know there is a safe place to come and vent and share. the grieving is under lying and can surface at the drop of a hat for me. I just try to busy myself and am on a new site for estranged family memebers-even some men are there which is pretty unusal. Maybe some day I will see you all there and you can truly feel at home and at peace. I hate when grandchildren are used as pawns and leverage-that is just cruel. As grandparents as long as we are not abusive we do have rights-legal rights-to see our little ones. Yes donesonmom i feel so close to you as your situation is so eerily similar. I will return daily to offer any support I can and i urge all of you to take care of yourselves. god bless

    Bookmark   January 19, 2009 at 5:06PM
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I am also an estranged mother officially booted from the circle by one of my DIL's. Her last words were that I am too old to have a relationship with her or her family. At 54 (year before last) it was really a shocker in that her parents are much older than I. My son had already announced that they are a team -so what one does the other approves of automatically. When they went their way- so did 5 of my 11 grandchildren. She also told her children that all the gowns and outfits that I had sewn for them were not meant for them in the first place. I asked her why she needed to lie to the kids - and she didn't bother answering. The entire discussion and argument took place by email - over an hours time - I haven't heard from them since. It's not like I was in their face or visiting them and bothering them. They live 1500 miles away. We had not visited in 9 years at that time. We had talked on the phone maybe 3 or 4 times over that period of years.
I still hurt from this - but all I can do is keep remembering the small details as they pop up from time to time that should have fore-warned me it was inevitable. For example I was always the very last to know when a grand baby was born - she made sure to inform me of my place in line. She had asked me why she hadn't introduced her mom to me "before now" at least once a year - - and I still have not met her. When they went on road trips to Florida, they never stopped by. Yet, when they needed a special gown or costume - who did she always call first? Me. And I happily made it - just because I could - and I love giving. At the end she also told me that my son has said frequently that I do not have an ounce of good-will in my body. That dug in like a knife. He is my oldest of two boys and 2 girls - all age 29 to 35.
My other son and his wife didn't speak to me for 3 years (they live 5 miles away and have 3 children) because I never go to visit them. I haven't driven in several years due to spinal problems. They recently began coming over and writing email again - - but I am being very cautious as to what I say or how I respond. I am afraid now of saying anything that will drive them away - even though that wasn't a problem before. They seldom talk to the older brother up north because they "want to think on their own". I can only imagine what that means knowing the mouth of the other DIL. I am just happy to see these younguns again - my how they have grown.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 7:03AM
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Dear badhairdey

I can totally relate to everything you say about dealing with this sad event. It feels like we are grieving a death doesn't it? If you come to Estranged stories you will meet a lot of parents like us who are going through similar situations. We support each other best we can and it is so good to know you are not alone. Almost everything you write about I have gone through and it is only a month ago my son disowned me-by e-mail. He is 44 and I am 61. What possible harm can I do to him or his family as he lives 1600 miles away and I only see him every two years at xmas. And yet this past xmas he chose to ignore me as he visited his inlaws less than 10 miles away from me. The anguish and shame I felt did subside in time but it flares up every now and then. Thankfully I have 5 other children who love and support me. Hopefully you will check out estranged stories on the internet and we can chat more then. Take care and god bless you.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2009 at 2:45PM
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Why is it always the mother that is the one to bear the brunt & be blamed for the estrangement ?
My only son, now 30 was estranged from me & my husb ( his dad )for 3+yrs. He recently called to tell me he's joining the military. As a mom, I worried, went to visit him in another state. I stayed for 4 days. He seemed more matured and I thought nice change for him to join the military.
A month later, he changed his plan about the military, said he wanted to return to get a college degree and wants his father's support but he never dared to speak to his father. The reason was that 4yrs ago, our son returned to college,we helped him with his bills, but only after 2 semesters, he dropped out due to 'emotional turmoil' from his girlfriend; now at 30 and yielded nothing, he's still arrogant & verbally abuses me when I cared & called him just last week. The way he talked to me was controlling and very harsh. I cried but tried not to let my husb know. My son told me not to barge into his life since I'm not financially 'helping him out' It hurts a lot as a mother who was missing her child and wanted to give some real solid advice only. His disrespectful attitude is something that could'nt be imaginable in my days as a child. As a 1st generation immigrant, we brought him to give him a better life & opportunity only now to find we are losing him.
I'm just grateful that this is the place where I can vent.
Thanks and may all mothers that are hurt will heal by reminding themselves that they should'nt be put on this guilt trip over and over again.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2009 at 9:25PM
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hi mimismom-so sad about your situation. As you know I too am having estrangement issues with my oldest son. He has his masters in business and is successful and very well travelled. He is a self made man-i take no credit for all he has achieved. Just recently he decided I was not welcome in his life anymore so I do know some of what you are feeling. For me it was the shame and not wanting people to know this had happened. the sleepless nights and crying spells. 6 weeks later it is a bit better but because of strong people like you and the support I get at estranged stories. Keep your head high and love as much as you can anyone who you feel safe with. Take care and god bless-motherlode

    Bookmark   February 2, 2009 at 2:14AM
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thank you motherlode and all other mothers that bear with me this long post..
for reading & empathizing with me. My son, my only one was born naive but misled by this world. He is no more a 13, but 30 and though there seemed so much I haven't taught him, it's too late to 'mother' him knowing all I'll get is a slap on my face & verbally abuse me over and over again about how I wanted to leave my responsibility to his dad and put me on a guilt trip ride.
He has issues, but I see his motive....seeking his own identity with conflicting ideas. He said it hurted him when I left, but it's not like he was 'abandoned' as he put it. Due to the job nature, the father had to leave the state we live and moved out, my son was offered to go with the father, but he declined. He worked little jobs to get by & we the parents, though separated, still paid for his 1st year community college which he only went for 3 months. ( that was the 1st drop out in 1997, 2003 was the 2nd drop out due to emotional turmoil ).
Me & my son maintained communications all through those 7yrs when my husb was out of state working. However, my husb was the stoic type of man and we both were from a very conservative different culture. Father & son never had good talk all those years anyway. After a long 7yrs of prayers and my husband's perserverance of pulling the marriage together, I left my job, my state & my then 25yr old son, who then was a sales rep with a company that gives him an okay pay & med insurance. But throughout those 6 to 7yrs, he've always comes to me for '$ help' Looking back now, perhaps when instead of helping him out of love & sincerity, he misthought that mom did it for sense of guilt ? Meanwhile, all through that time, I was encouraging him to get a basic degree or get some training to do skilled job. He throw temper on me and several times I have to almost call my security guard to throw him out. He co-rented an Apt with his 'buddies,' whereas I lived in a studio. Mother & son do things together and we did share a bond.
During the yr 2003 when my son was in college, we helped him with his bills; however, he dropped out with multiple issues that wouldn't have been an acceptable excuse from our parents. My husb refused to continue enabling him his lifestyle and no backbone but treating us as an ATM.
My son had been disrespectful & screams at us saying we've abandoned him . He keeps reminding me he's my son, family, blood related etc.. and that he's got 'entitlements.'
He's manipulative, & I know he does has a lot of anger towards us, but also the society and the world owe it all to him...
As a mother, I love him, but he's an adult and have to know there are consequences along with their words & deeds.
I tried 'dying to self' to resolve a lot of other issues, but my son will be a knot in my life, I know.
I can only deal with it by submitting him to God's hands.
I pray for him, constantly forgive him, but have to beware of him because sad to say, I just cannot trust him easily.
Any other mothers who love, but know they can't trust their own kids know the pain that goes with it.
We grow old, we will be sick & be more frail; who's going to be there for us except yourself & your God ?
Anybody can be confirmed that the children will take care of us just like we did to our parents ? and with respect and honor them just simply they are 'PARENTS?'
Sad reality but it's written in 2Timothy Ch 3.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2009 at 11:06AM
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Dear mom-is he on drugs?

    Bookmark   February 2, 2009 at 12:13PM
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Thanks motherlode for your concern about my estranged son..this 30yr old of mine; No this I can be so sure...he won't do drugs cos he's also a physical trainer, takes protein shakes for the training. I last saw him in Sept, he said he stopped that too. I'm even doubtful if he had the money to do drugs. No, I'm positive about it. His rage & temper outburst at me is a mirror of his insecurity and low self esteem. His narcisstic behaviour and self centeredness is going to ruin him eventually.

Today I was at my doctor's for a surgical consult, I'll go for my CATSCAN coming Friday, I'm not worried. I entrusted it all to the Lord. I will however send my son an email later tonight. I don't want to call him at all. If I do, I might end up again depressed, miserable & will not do any good but harm towards my health. He will verbally abuse me but I won't give him that chance & I don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm a mother, and yes, even if I only gave birth to him, I don't think now at his age, parents OWE him anything anymore. I'm even considering changing my will later.
Time & time again, I said I'll forgive, but emotions are real and it does get under your nerve & ruin your everyday living if one is being controlled by those unhealthy feelings, right ?

    Bookmark   February 2, 2009 at 4:26PM
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Dear mom-i am sorry if i ask too many questions but you hear about steroids and how they cause outbursts of anger-i guess i am looking for some logical explanation for you. My son is just very cold and distant-period. No outbursts or guilt trips although I do feel very guilty just by his estrangement. the answer to your last sentence is 100% RIGHT. I hope all your medical tests are good and the outcome is all is well. At estranged stories we had a huge forum on wills and such. Take care and god bless you

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 1:25AM
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Dear time my son talks to me, I'll try to ask him about the matter on steroids. He did take that when he was training. Thanks for your concern about my medical condition. The doctor yesterday said it could be a bowel growth. I know God has His plan for me. I know I can trust in my Lord.

    Bookmark   February 3, 2009 at 3:13PM
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Dear motherlode,
Thanks for your supporting kind words. I'm scared of the IV contrast for the catscan, but got to do it anyway to get a proper diagnosis.
I miss my son, worried about his future, but if God is good, HE will give me time and direct my son his paths.
I will keep my faith & not loose hope until I don't know anything & my name is called by GOD's angels.
Just say a prayer for me if you can....all of you mothers out there...lets all keep our faith because we love our children. We are mothers, and mothers don't give up but keep our hopes high even though we might be trashed down over and over again.
Have a great day.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2009 at 9:35AM
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Hi mimismom-the most important thing for you to focus on right now is your health-everything else will play out as it is supposed to-the only thing you can work on right now is following doctor orders and your faith in god-i will pray for you as well and send me very best wishes to you-take care and god bless-

    Bookmark   February 7, 2009 at 1:28AM
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I am so sorry that some of you are going through issues with your adult children. Sometimes when your child marries things change drastically. I have known situations when a spouse wants it to be all their side of the family. There is little a parent can do when this happens. I would never have done this to my husband or his family.

To those that want to hand money over when they are adults, it is never a good thing. They will never learn to make it on their own. I read a passage a long time ago that went -- It is not what you do for your children but what you teach them to do for themselves that makes them ready to go out on their own.. This has been a living passage for us. Our children worked for special things they wanted along the way. Sometimes we paid half if it was a costly item. They worked a summer job during college to have extra spending money during the school year. We paid their college but they had to help with the fun stuff they thought they wanted or needed.

It makes me wonder why just one child would turn off a parent and not the others. Tells me the spouse has alot to do with it. I feel for the grandchildren. The love of a grandparent is priceless. I pray someday the children will know this..

Children do strange things when it comes to parents sometimes. It may not really even have anything to do with what you did or didn't do. They are in a different world and sometimes it is just the way it is. Often the parents suffer the blunt of it when they clearly had nothing to do with it. Try to keep busy and continue loving them. Someday they may just surprise you and show up with open arms. I will pray for all of you.


    Bookmark   February 8, 2009 at 11:00AM
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Thanks motherlode and God bless all mothers here...
I thank God that my catscan was normal ! (( Ah ! ))
However I had to pray the Lord's Prayer as that metallic taste came along after the IV contrast was in my system...I knew I can't give up on my son as yet. I have yet to follow up with my doc this afternoon & do other checks.
The Sun is out today amidst the blues & the clouds...a new week, a new start. Have a great week everybody.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2009 at 10:06AM
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Hi motherlode,
Praise the Lord, my CTscan was Normal. I'm on medications now for the pain and it's better.
My son is still unemployed, but I know if I tell him to work in Burger King, I'll get yelled at..due to his arrogance, he thinks it's a waste of time & he doesn't belong there. I will pray to the Lord for granting him humbleness and enlighten him his path. As a mother/wife,
I will also pray to be mindful & peaceful with all that's going on around us...only God is our hope and salvation. To whom shall I fear ? What can Man do to us ?
Please keep me in your prayers.
God bless you...and please know that you are an inspiration to lots of us mothers out there.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2009 at 10:02AM
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So very happy things turned out well for you mimismom-your words are kind adn reflect the support and inspiration I have received from others. Best wishes to your son and all your family-hang in there and stay strong dear-take care and god bless

    Bookmark   February 11, 2009 at 1:01PM
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I have just found this web site. My adult son and his family, wife and two young grandsons, have been estranged from us since last Oct.08.
He basicly has refused to allow us contact with our grandsons until we admit our wrongs and crawl back to him with regrets. His life choices have been reckless leaving he and his family without permanent income. There are many other issues, too many to explain all. We have always been available for he and his family to whine and complain to us, about their circumstances, offering advice when asked. Yet at this point, he has choosen to punish us, hold the grandchildren as blackmail until we come around to what he wants. We have never had an easy relationship with our DIL, but have tried to hold our words and accept the slights. I am having a hard time moving on. I am at a 'log jam', trying to look for the happiness in life.

    Bookmark   February 23, 2009 at 12:58PM
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Very sorry to hear of your challenges at this time Sierramom-I see you are at estranged stories now and I know you will get the full time support you need there. Stay strong and know you are doing your best at this trying time. I too have been estranged from my oldest son since last year-take care and god bless

    Bookmark   February 23, 2009 at 9:45PM
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I am the mother of a son who is 34. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was very young. His father and I divorced when he was almost 3. It was just he and I until I remarried when he was 11. I have always been there for my son. He was very active and is very bright, but could not focus very well in school. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. He was never aggressive. He did attend college for a year, but dropped out. No one is perfect. I made mistakes, but I have always loved my son and really tried to be a loving and caring mom. He was very immature, but around 30 years old I saw him begin to mature. Every time we talked on the phone he would end each conversation with "I love you Mom".

He has had a girlfriend for about the last 4 years. I have never interfered with his choices of friends since he's been grown. I will be honest here. I'm not very fond of his girlfriend. She has a lot of issues. She was abandoned by her mother when she was a baby and I don't think she got much love from her stepmother. She is very domineering and moody. With all honesty I can say I have never said an unkind word to her. I have shown her kindness. I took care of her daughter for 9 days (who was 11 years old) when she and my son went on vacation. They didn't give the child any money nor did she thank us when they returned. I bought her daughter (who likes to paint) brushes, paint, drawing pads, etc. and was glad to do it. I know I'm getting pretty wordy, but I need to vent.

Their relationship has been rocky. My son would come home after a fight until I told him that he could not continue to run home every time they had a fight. I told him he had to decide - either he would be with her or not. This was a couple of years ago. I thought things had improved in their relationship. I never ask about their relationship. They are grown. Eight months ago she called me and told me she was pregnant. I admit my first reaction was one of concern. I didn't know if they were getting along or not. However, she assured me they were doing fine and I told her I was very happy for them. Everything was going fine until about a week later I got a call from my son asking me to come pick him up he was moving out. I told him I couldn't drop every thing at that very moment but if he was sure I would come as soon as I could. Well that wasn't good enough for him. If I couldn't come at that instant than not to bother and he hung up on me. Well he went to say with his biological father (first time ever) for about a week and then returned to his girlfriend. He did call me and apologized.

Since then I have had several conversations with his girlfriend about having a baby shower. Then all of a sudden the calls stopped. My son has not called me since the apology. I called and emailed and no one returned my calls. Finally, I called my son's job and he asked the receptionist to ask me if it was an emergency. I said no and to tell him I was just calling to see how he was doing. He never called back. Then I received an email from his girlfriend telling me that there was no need for ME to call their jobs. I had called her job before to talk about the baby shower or just to say hi. I admit I was upset and emailed her back and told her I would call my son's job, his cell or his home if I was concerned about him. I said that being a mother I was sure she could understand my concern. She wrote back and said as a mother should would not handle a non-emergency situation the way I had. This made no sense to me because I hadn't heard from either of them so how did I know what had happened. She also told me the baby shower had been postponed. This was about 2 weeks before it was suppose to take place. When I had called and left messages about the shower she didn't even bother to call me back.

So this is where we are now. Oh yes, she sent me sonogram pictures of the baby. The only thing she said was here are pictures of your grandson. I have not called my son since he never returned any of my calls. I have not sent any more emails. My heart is breaking. I don't know what I could have said. If I am asked for advice or an opinion, I give it. One of the last conversations I had with the girlfriend she raised a couple of concerns about my son. I told her I could understand her concerns. I don't know what she has said to him and I'm beginning to think she could have told him anything. My son has never treated me like this before and I am at lost to understand it. Some days I am really sad because (as I use to tell him) I miss his face.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2010 at 1:04PM
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Hi Mothers,

I feel for you all. My son estranged himself from me and my family over 6 years ago. He wrote me a letter saying he didn't want to have anything to do with us, to think of him as dead. I have been as good as I could be toward his wishes but sometimes I sent a gift, a card, an e-mail (no letters really just forwards). At most times I have had at least one way to get in touch with him. But do you know what it feels to not have any means of communication whatsoever? Lately I was faced with an undeliverable e-mail, an undeliverable letter and a disconnected phone. I have never even tried to call him before. (It felt claustrophobic!) The only reason for trying to get in touch is his birthday is coming up and I want to send him a card and maybe some $. I have always been of the belief that the mother should "keep the door open" and this is why I'm sending the card. This son is turning 31 years old and has had a girlfriend (at least I think they are still together for about 7 years). I am always fighting with myself over respecting his wishes or keeping the door open. I think it is wrong as a mother to not try to communicate at least on a birthday. Since it's been over 6 years I don't think it matters what I do now. I just can't wait another 6 years or whatever time he needs - I need to let him know I care for him now! Should I toughen up and not send the birthday card?

Thanks, Cricket

    Bookmark   September 24, 2010 at 2:39AM
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Hi have recently become estranged with my father. It began in a very strange way. A minor incident - my stepmom demanded an apology - i refused to apologize as I was fed up with her. I called my dad crying and said "I think it would be best if you didn't stop over here anymore" and he said "i think you are right"..!! Communication pretty much stopped right there. I blame myself for letting it escalate to this point, but I think with the way things were going, it was just a matter of time. I am really frustrated that my Dad just doesn't seem to get it, what is really going on, and I am completely unable to communicate with him. It just hurts so much, I have completely shut down. Here is a letter I wrote to him today, but I haven't sent it yet:

Dear Father,

I am writing this letter to you because I would like to clear some things up. First of all I love you very much and this estrangement has hurt me a lot. However, due to my inability to communicate with you, I do not believe you are even aware of the true nature of this rift. Your wife is a part of it, but mainly this rift is between you and me.

As it stands, it does not feel like my love for you is reciprocated fairly. Maybe this is unjust, but this is how I feel. I feel like your world has grown so small, that your granddaughter, Sarah, and I don’t really exist to you beyond how we affect your relationship with your wife. For a while now, even before the incident with “the mosquito”, when you came and visited Sarah or I, it felt as though you were sneaking over to see us at the risk of earning disapproval from your wife. Do you know how much this has hurt me?

When all this started, you came over to my house and we talked a bit, but I think you may have forgotten what was said. I remember you basically told me if we did not apologize to your wife, the two of you would be divorced by the end of the month. Seeing this written down now, you must surely realize how unfair this was? It was these words that forced me to evaluate my relationship with you. Making peace with your wife is what I have always done in the past so that I could maintain a relationship with you.....

First however, I needed to look at Sarah and what was best for her as she is just a child and I think we should all be looking to what is best for her first. I am a good mother. Sarah is a very good child. I have raised her with love and kindness the way I learned from you when I was growing up. Please don’t let your wife’s notion of how a child should be raised taint this. Surely she cannot be a good judge of this as we are all aware, even her, of what a sad and abusive childhood she had.

Your wife is an alcoholic and you are co-dependent. I think deep down you must realize this is true and how this has affected your relationships with other people in your life? The last time Sarah went over to your house for a sleepover, your wife drank herself into oblivion and passed out in front of Sarah and you did nothing. When I saw you last, you suggested that I send Sarah over to see your wife because she was feeling down. Sarah is a 6 year old child, with thoughts and feelings of her own, not an object to be used to cheer up your wife. I am sorry that I have to say this, as it seems obvious to me and it should be obvious to you. You have lost my trust. I don’t believe at this point in time that you are capable of showing proper judgment or perspective where Sarah is concerned.

I could delve deeper into all of this but I think I have pretty much laid it out. I need you to think (your wife aside); you are my father and I am your daughter and your wife should follow YOUR lead it this: What kind of a relationship do you want to have with me and with your granddaughter? What are YOU going to do the regain the trust that you have lost?

Sadie Jones

    Bookmark   October 27, 2010 at 3:27PM
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I see that after reading all these posts that because there is estrangement, no one is communicating, and no one really knows what is going on, on the other side. My situation is no better, I just can't seem to communicate my feelings to my father. I just hurt so much, I am afraid of what I will say, or worse backing down since I have made a stand (in my mind) on my stepmothers alcoholism and my fathers codependency. I worry about exposing my daughter to them if we re-establish a connection and their behaviors continue.
The sad thing is for the most part, I had a great childhood, and was raised by my dad. I have so many fond memories, I just can't believe it has come to this. He re-married when I was about 17 and he has changed so much in this marriage, I hardly recognize him anymore.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2010 at 4:03PM
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Merlotbel...I can understand your position regarding your daughter and your father and mother in law.

Instead of breaking off all communication perhaps you can think about meeting your father in a park away from their house. You still want to see your dad- that is important to you and your daughter.

Try to keep things simple, to avoid confusion and stress for you. Just decide on a course of action and stick to it.

" I worry about exposing my daughter to them if we re-establish a connection and their behaviors continue. "

This is really the issue and it is very reasonable to have this fear.

    Bookmark   October 27, 2010 at 10:43PM
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"I worry about exposing my daughter to them if we re-establish a connection and their behaviors continue."

I agree that this is the issue and a very reasonable and natural fear to have given the circumstances. It was a fear that I struggled with in coping with my husband's family--the alcoholism and co-dependency issues and DENIAL. It was/has been a constant problem and issue.

"I just can't believe it has come to this. He re-married when I was about 17 and he has changed so much in this marriage, I hardly recognize him anymore"

That's the problem in family dynamics and issues involving alcoholism and co-dependency. It's not always about the alcoholism either (the substance), but the underlying cause of the alcoholism as well. My MIL was filled with rage--she sought to self-medicate rather than to deal with the source of her emotions and she behaved in very hurtful ways towards others heaping emotional abuse on them rather than dealing with herself and her issues.

I always felt my husband changed so much whenever he had entanglements with his family, my in-laws and these changes were not for the better. It was difficult not to get sucked into their games and the ugly dynamics of their relationships--who and what they are. They were very hurtful for everyone. They brought the worst out in him, which takes an enormous toll on others.

I think you do stop recognizing people in these circumstances. It changes people in profound ways and not always for the better. Some of the hurt you may feel is acknowledging the loss and it is loss.

I wish for you the best with this...

    Bookmark   October 30, 2010 at 4:40PM
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Hi there,

I would like to thank everyone for the feedback. It meant a lot to me.
I finally got the nerve to give my dad the letter. It went better than expected...he wasn't mad, he just called me and said that everything in the letter was true but that he just didn't know what to do about it.
Anyways it was a bit of a breakthrough I hope and I feel alot better now that he knows how I feel and it is not the end of the world. I had to stand firm though, in that we would not be reuniting my daughter with his wife anytime soon....At least I don't feel like I am carrying around this huge burden anymore..

    Bookmark   November 4, 2010 at 2:50PM
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Blood is thicker than water
a song about estranged loved ones
Hear it at URL:

Here is a link that might be useful: Blood is thicker than water

    Bookmark   December 25, 2010 at 3:54PM
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I haven't talked to you all in a while. I suppose due to always trying to avoid the subject of the pain I suffer without my children/grandchildren. I have to say, there is a " Point of NO return". I believe I have hit that point.about three months ago I wrote my oldest daughter an e-mail. It wasn't about our problems or anything. I simply wrote her to be cordal and let her know I am thinking about them and keep them in my prayers. I did recieve a letter back. However, she did say some very hurtful things while still being rather cordal and somewhat nice. can anyone out there tell me why I feel I'm unable to respond now? I have wrote another letter but for some reason I can't bring myself to send it. Just to refresh everyones memory with my three adult children and myself; I have been told everything from " your DEAD to I don't trust yand will not allow you around me or my family". These things have all been told to me without giving me a reason. They refuse to tell me what I have done or not done. It's been 2-3 yrs now and I can't seem to bring our family back together. I am a Counselor who apparently needs counseling. But I don't know what I have done to anger my children to this point. So, really don't know how to get through this. What I am trying to do now is move on and live my life as I see fit. I really believe there is no fixing this at this point. They have hurt me so bad, I can't go back.I'll never put myself in that position again. During these 3 yrs, I have had 3 heart attacks and was completely alone. Have no friends or family. I live alone and feel as if this is how I'll die...alone. And at this point in my life its ok. I am going to join some clubs and take a self-defense class and get involved and start living. I believe that is whats best for me now.
My grandchildren wouldn't even know me now. And as far as my kids....they have wonderful lives and are all well-to-do. So I really don't have to worry about them. I have raised children since I was 16 yrs old and worked my entire life. Put myself through college and made sure my children never wanted for anything. I am very proud of how I raised them and wouldn't change anything. I am also very proud of my children as adults. So, therefore I must have done something right, considering how well they have turned out. Let me give you an example of what one of my children said to me when I found out he was going to Iraq. I told him " sweety I will be so worried, will you please let me know as often as possible how you are?" I was told that I was selfish.....he said see its just about you mom! because I said I would be worried. I didn't even comment to that remark....I was beside myself. Can anyone tell me what I'm doing wrong?
Love ya guys! Hang in there. Some how...some way...hang in there! Thanks for listening. Nana

    Bookmark   August 12, 2012 at 4:17PM
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I am truly sorry to all the parents here, and as an estranged child I have come here in an attempt to understand the other side so to speak.

I have noticed however, in the few threads where estranged children attempt to explain, or suggest that the parents look inside themselves for the answer...they are met with gasps of 'how dare you suggest I did anything wrong- this is all their fault'.

Now I have to say, that reaction is the EXACT problem. When you react that way, there is no way to open your mind to what the person is trying to tell you.

I imagine many parents have reacted this way to their children, and the children have no idea what to do. When children get to a certain age, they have their own minds, they like to make their own choices, and they should be allowed to speak their minds and be treated with respect. The same respect that you expect as the parent. Children are not your mini me. Respect the as an individual, love them unconditionally, and you would not be having these problems.

I have attempted to tell my parents my issues, but I was met with rejection and denial. If you cannot face that you have a problem, how do you expect to fix it? If your child is treated badly and cannot express themselves in order to change your behavior, what choice do they have?

If you constantly blame, how will you look at yourself?

These children are a product of their upbringing.

It they are so easily controlled by their spouses....were they perhaps living in a controlling household, controlled by you, so the new spouse is competition?

Rejecting a child's spouse affects your child, and the couple's children. It is incredibly selfish to inflict your negative feelings just because you feel the choice of spouse isn't good enough.

When a person falls in love, that is for them to determine who they love. Deal with it. When GOD joins two together in marriage, NO ONE should EVER attempt to come between them.

I think the main issue is controlling parents who are unable to let go, who then turn to money as their means of control.

If your child is behaving selfishly, perhaps you were selfish. They are not getting their needs met, quite the opposite, or they would be participating in the family.

It's so much easier to blame, but none of it 'happened all of a sudden and I have no idea why'

If you really want to know, look at what happened just beforehand. Remember what you said, what you did. Remember that your child might hear all the bad stuff you have been saying about their spouse to other family members. You have set up a situation where they cannot participate in the family normally because you have spent so much time bad mouthing them.

Children need support when they are starting out their lives, not judgement and interference from parents.

You think your children don't know what you think and say about them. They know. And it affects them very deeply.

As as the parent, it is YOUR JOB to fix what you have done wrong and heal the relationship. Stop playing the victim if you truly want to move forward.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2012 at 11:41PM
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