My 18 year old daughter is barely speaking to me

cmadisonDecember 13, 2009

I know this is long but my life is complicated so pleas forgive me!

I need help! My daughter graduated last June, and turned 18 in September. My husband and I decided it would be best to move out of our house because we could not pay the rent and had to move in with family. My oldest daughter moved in with my mom and My husband, and 2 other children moved in with my grandmother. My husband had just started driving a truck and was gone for 6 wks at a time.

For 2 months she had been telling me she was moving out of the house as soon as she turned 18, so I didn't think she would be angry with me. About a week after we were finished moving out of the house her and my other daughter who is 16 went to see their very absent father in Oregon.

Within a week after visiting her father and his wife, Satan, my daughter decidied she was moving up there.

They were going to help her go to college, get her a car, board her horse, that I bought but could no longer pay board on for free. I knew that they were not capable of keeping their promises, but she decided she was going anyway.

So the plan was, she would come home when her sister did, and she would stay until the end of Summer. During this time, she would not barely speak to me.She talked to Satan everyday and evaded me. She started saying I don't want to tell you to everything I asked. The day she was supposed to leave for Oregon she called me crying. She said she was not going. She cried and she talked to me like she had always before.

That did not last. She still talked to her dad and Satan everyday and they kept trying to talk her into going although their true colors started showing through.

Since September my daughter refuses to tell me anything. Although she is nice for a day when she wants something.I have paid her board, thrown her a burthday party, made plans to go to San Francisco, which she cancelled because she had a hair appt. I lost 85 dollars on the hotel.

She refuses to get a job and blames it all on me. Recently she got back in a relationship with her dopey ex boyfriend and that has just made things between us even although I have not said one negative thing...which is why I am so stumped. I am actually minding my own business I just keep asking her why she wont talk to me. At this point I have lost too many tears and my heart literally hurts when I think of her. Now I am so angry I am tempted not to buy her a Christmas present!

So if you have any helpful words fo me please let me know.

Corey

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peanutmom

Corey, my heart goes out to you. I have had similar problems with my 17yo daughter. It is very difficult when you are stuck with dealing with a child basically on your own. Your daughter is now out of school which is leaving her without a direction to follow every day. She is also having trouble coping with what she wishes her father were and what he really is. Unfortunately, your daughter has figured out that she can upset you by acting out. I am also pretty sure that she knows how you feel about her father and stepmom. No matter how hard we try to hide it, it is diffucult to handle a messed up situation that is further complicated by heartless people. Your daughter has been living with you for most of her life obviously and knows what buttons to push.

It also seems that your life has been hard financially lately. That breeds resentment in teens. It is unavoidable. If I may offer some advice, I would recommend that your daughter try to find a part time job. Anything that will give her some money of her own and something to do at least some days. You can't make her work, but maybe a little less help from you could push her to do what she is going to have to do anyway, grow up. You shouldn't expect to fix all of her problems yourself, she is a teen and technically an adult. Maybe you have other options, but with out knowing more about your life I can't see them right now. I wish you the best and hope you can make yourself start seeing your daughter as an adult. It is what she is going to need to move on. As far as dealing with her father, she clearly knows the situation and isn't expecting change, but it won't change the fact that she is going to do a lot of wishful thinking. She will grow up, all you can do is offer her moral support.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2009 at 10:08AM
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sweeby

First - Stop calling your daughter's stepmother Satan. That's not helpful for anyone. Like it or not, that woman is in a position to have a major influence on your daughter's life. It can be for good, or for evil. Guess which one you're encouraging by referring to her as Satan? Even if you think no one knows how you feel, you're not that good of an actress.

If she's a witch, your daughter will see it.
And if her Dad's a loser, she'll see that too, with or without your help.

Getting a job and paying for some of her own luxuries (like a horse) would be great for her. Once she meets the 'real world' head on, she'll have a lot more insight into your situation.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2009 at 6:15PM
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oilpainter

I agree with sweeby.

The best thing you can do is try to keep the lines of communication open. Let her know you love her and would welcome her home if she wants to come. Don't badmouth her father and stepmother. If they are as bad as you say she will see it sooner or later and you bad mouthing them makes you the bad guy.

Remember her at Christmas and her birthday, and special occasions, but don't go giving handouts just because she is sweet as pie. You are not trying to buy her love and she doesn't live with you, so you are not responsible for her.

Try not to be hurt by the things she says and does. She is young and finding her way.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 3:04PM
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khandi

Now I am so angry I am tempted not to buy her a Christmas present!

That sounds so childish!!

My daughter turns 18 in 2 weeks. She used to tell me EVERYTHING. Now she doesn't because she feels like she should have some things to herself, and I respect that.

Your daughter will talk to you when she really needs you. In the meantime, you have to let her be her own person but also encourage her to do something with her life so that she's actually LIVING and not just EXISTING.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2009 at 10:06PM
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finedreams

My oldest daughter moved in with my mom and My husband, and 2 other children moved in with my grandmother.
it sounds very chaotic, I don't even understand where everybody lives, where do you live? with grandma, husband or kids or your mom? DD is probably frustrated and lost as well and now dad lied to her. I think she wants to live with dad because she wants to have a normal family living all in one place. she certainly needs to work and go to school but she needs guidance.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2010 at 1:26AM
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azzalea

Are you a very young mom? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but there are a lot of things in your post that sound very immature--the Christmas present thing, calling people names--those are not the way adults handle problems. I think, before you start to work on your relationship with your daughter, it might be a good idea to work on your own level of responsibility and caring.

Now, I realize, that if you are in such dire financial straits, that you've had to give up your home and parcel out the family among other family's homes, you've probably got a LOT of issues (aside from your relationship with your daughter) to deal with. And maybe you're just a bit overwhelmed at this point. But your daughter is still a child, even though the government says she's old enough to vote. She still needs you. You still need to parent her. Yes, it's a whold lot more difficult to parent a 'legal' child--that doesn't mean it isn't essential, though. And the situation is only compounded when the parents aren't together and on the same page regarding how to parent. But for your daughter's sake, you simply have to put those things aside and do the right thing for her. She's being a typical 18 year old. None of them really want much to do with their parents--that doesn't tear up your parent card, though, it just means you have to work a little harder and more creatively to do the job you signed on for 18 years ago.

Honestly--if you hang in there, and get across to your daughter that you're still her mother, still love her, still will be there for her, she will almost surely come around in a few years. My dd was dying to get away from us (and went to college about 1000 miles away to prove it) at that age. BUT 10 years later? she's annoyed with us because we're moving 30 miles away, she calls me at least once a day just to chat, we get together for dinner or lunch or just to visit at least a couple of times a week. Sometime between age 22 and 25, they really do turn back into normal human beings, so don't burn any bridges that you won't be able to rebuild when the time is right.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2010 at 11:14PM
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yoyobon_gw

It reminds me of my granddaughter.
She was a baby who talked quite late.
We always said that we wished she would learn to speak....
And when she finally found her voice, we weren't real happy with what she had on her mind !!

Sometimes silence is not the worst thing. LOL

Enjoy it.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2010 at 7:59AM
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