What to do?

fun2golfNovember 6, 2003

I have a son who is 37 years old, married with a son 17 and a daughter 6. He is still married to the same girl and both children are from this marrage. My son has had a drug problem for about 18 years. He has been in jail and has been to re-hab several times. He is also is ADD. He was diagnosed with the disorder about 10 years ago. He was put on medication for it. The medication as far as I can understand is the same as his drug of choice..meth. He continues to skip his Drs appts. and I assume gets his drugs elsewhere. He has not been a good husband or father in all the years of his marriage. When he got out of jail about 4 years ago, he was doing o.k. He slowly fell back into his old ways. I have been dealing with this and trying to help him for a long, long, time. I don't want to give up on him, but I can no longer deal with all of this. I have come to the conclusion, that all I am doing is being an enabler. His wife and I have therefor given him an ultimatim.He either decides to clean up his act or he is going to be sent out on his own. I would really appreciate any opinions on this matter. Am I wrong in doing this.

Thanks for your time.

Bev

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SandiD

Bev, I don't think you're wrong in doing this. It's actually got a name - Tough Love. He's got to want to change - you, his wife, nor his kids can make him change. But, don't let him use ADD as an excuse. Folks with ADD/ADHD are very intelligent. I hope that his doctor who's treating his ADD is aware of his addiction. There are other drugs available that are non-addictive.

My brother has been in & out of trouble (read jail) since before he was a teen and he's now 35. He'll go through periods where he begins to act what society would term correct behavior and would begin back-sliding shortly after. I can't keep track of how many times he has done the roller coaster bit. My mom was/is enabling him.

Tough love is very tough to do. I'd suggest that you & your daughter-in-law (maybe the kids too) get some counseling. I remember when my brother first started getting into drugs our entire family would go to the meetings, counseling sessions, etc. I think you've show a great deal of courage to do this. My prayers are with you & your family.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2003 at 6:42PM
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fun2golf

SandiD
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate your input. Sometimes you just need someone to talk with, or someone to listen to you. I think my daughter-in-law has asked him to attend counseling. I don't know if he will or not. His Doctor is aware of his problem, that is why, I don't understand why he keeps giving him that type of medication.It seems like he is doing more harm to him than good. I do know at one time the Dr did try to put him on different medications, but my son..of course said they weren't doing any good and he was having bad side affects from them..It is so hard to believe anything he says anymore, as he has lied constantly about things. I guess I have rattled on enough. Actually, I just wanted to say Thank You..
Bev

    Bookmark   November 6, 2003 at 10:34PM
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sheilajoyce_gw

People will not change until they finally KNOW that they must. Things have to get bad enough that they finally decide something must be changed. If you prevent that bad enough from happening by enabling, you make it easy for the addict to continue with his addiction. If you let the consequences happen, eventually the addict will discover tht things are too uncomfortable to continue and he will determine he must chnge his ways. Everyone has a bottom to hit before that discomfort of changing looks better than the discomfort of continuing with what they have always done. That is the principle behind ceasing enabling or Tough Love.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2003 at 3:46AM
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fun2golf

Excatly correct. He has been given his ultimatum, so one can only hope and pray that he chooses the right course. Time will tell. Thanks for your input.
Bev

    Bookmark   November 8, 2003 at 6:11PM
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sheilajoyce_gw

Cann't remember who said it, but it is one of my favorite quotes:
"Change is an ocean voyage in a leaky boat with a mutinous crew."

    Bookmark   November 9, 2003 at 9:16PM
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